i let him down....i wrote over 70 poems from the heart, to fill a book. Shall i give it to him?

[misspearl]

I really let him down, i really disappointed him. Its been over for a month now, i think.

Since the day it was over i've written poems every single moment that i had a thought that made me want to cry, or every moment ive had an idea or inspiration. i have about 70-80 of them now, and i want to put them all in a book nicely finished up.

 

Without sounding lame, I want to give it to him. I know he still loves me, and the last time we exchanged communication he said that he still thinks i am precious and that no one can be like me.

In his moments of anger, before this text, he said we'll never be together again. But can love overcome these conflicts, even after everything? On the note we left it on he said that he'll never get over me, that we'll still be soul mates, but that he has to try and move on even though he's going through hell. He even said he doesn't want to be with anyone else even if it means being alone forever...drastic i know, but we were really crazy about each other, despite this barrier between us which now exists and has pushed him far away from me.

 

If i send him the book...if he knows how i feel deep down..maybe it will make a difference. What do you think?

[coloradio]

It's a little confusing, because it seems to me that his emotions are all over the board right now. He says that you will never be together again, but then he said that you are soul mates. Maybe his saying, "we will never be together again" was just his admission and acceptance of the harsh truth, but regardless, it's a little difficult to gauge his emotions.

 

Given the fact that you and him have both had over a month to sort your feelings out, it's possible that he feels differently now. I can't really say yes or no on sending the book. It comes down to your gut feeling. You know him better than almost anybody, and if you think he would like it, then go for it. But you have to ask yourself: do you want to give him false hope, or just show him that you care? Depending on the content of your poems, it could go either way. Of course, a book full of poems from his ex-girlfriend would be priceless to him, but it's hard to tell what kind of emotions that would instill in him.

 

Who is trying to get who back? Or is there any attempt at reconciliation at all? If he is trying to get you back, it would most likely give him false hope. If you are trying to get him back, then it might push him further away. I'm definitely not qualified to give you a cure-all answer, because I'm new to all of this. All I know is I had the same dilemma as you: I wrote her a song a month or so before we broke up, and I would never let her see the lyrics. Yesterday we decided on NC for awhile, and I gave her the song concealed in an envelope. I was very hesitant, but my situation is different than yours. I am the dumpee, and I am trying to get her back. You are the dumper, and it really depends on whom is trying to get whom back.

 

I hope this helps!

[misspearl]

Heey sorry i didnt make things very clear, HE is the dumper.. i explained in my previous thread the exact situation.

 

He broke up with me (for the 3rd time) because ive let him down so much... not in ways that are to do with love , just effort in terms of arguments and drama. After big break ups like these, He has two personality modes... sometimes hes emotional, and loving , but sometimes he supresses his feelings and he's cold.

I'm hoping the book will open up his heart.

I would like him to remember that our feelings are not that different, and that we should be together no matter what...

Its true though, what you say about pushing him away- i definatley dont want to do that...

[atelis]

i think instead of writing poems, you should be suggesting that you both need counselling. neither of you seem to want to try to work something out, but yet you both seem to cling on to jealousy and this co-dependancy you have. to me, i think you both confuse love with dependancy, but that's just from where i sit. i think two many people throw the love card out there, but true love is about commitment and sacrifice.

[misspearl]

Yeah of course true love is about commitment and sacrifice. There's no doubt that we've both done that. Although from his part I have not made as many sacrifices as him which is why he feels hurt.

 

counselling is something i 'd be happy to do but whilst we're broken up, I cant exactly knock on his door and invite him out to a nice session! I have to find a way to make him realise that we should be together first... I just thought the poems would be quite romantic. I would give in, if I were in his shoes and received that book. But I'm a lot weaker than him in those respects.

[coloradio]

One thing I have learned from my experience and reading others', is that, quite evidently, the ex whom you are trying to win back has to want to be with you again. There is no convincing. Don't make the mistake I did and try to sell your ex your product. Throw your offer on the table, and hope that he takes it. Of course, it's okay to make the offer look fancy and attractive, but shoving it into his lap will only make him throw it on the floor.

 

Do your best to show him that you are still interested, and you would like to work things out, but do not become desperate or too romantic. People often make the mistake of becoming too romantic too soon. They forget that they are, in fact, not with the person anymore, and still treat him/her as if they were still together. I'm very guilty of doing that. All the advice I'm giving you is what I have learned in the past month and a half.

 

Of course, you could take the other approach, and appear to be fine. It may register to him that you are moving on, and thus start to pursue you again. It sort of boils down to what type of person he is, however.

 

I would give him some more time, but I am not really sure how you would bring up counseling. Maybe once you start talking more frequently and getting comfortable with each other again, you can start talking about your relationship. If one thing leads to another, maybe mention it.

[Kahdeksan]

Hi misspearl, while I feel your hurt and anxiety, I really can't help but wonder why it's taken three break ups and all the same, the grounds for breaking up have always resurfaced. Usually when there is a lot of drama involved it spells out loud and clear that there is a lot of negative energy being thrown about, involving pessimism to down right selfishness.

 

While it would be deemed romantic to send the beautiful and thoughtful poems, perhaps now is not the ideal time to do so... it just may be that these poems are what is needed to push him away even further. I know from past experiences that getting letters from ex's is a somewhat agonizing experience and most of the time I just wouldn't read them. Too many painful memories too soon to be confronting.

 

Now would be the ideal time to be working on yourself, focusing on your issues. Get yourself seen by counselors and after a few weeks you could try contacting him again. So don't send them yet would be my advice. It's just too soon and the emotions way too raw.

 

 

 

The pains are still raw...

[misspearl]

True, that does make sense....thats my dilemma though. I mean, im not sure if its best to give him whilst emotions ARE still raw, because that might make him relate to the poems more, have greater emotional reactions to them ,and really make him feel and understand me. (a big problem between us right now is general trust issues and communication had always been a problem).

OR , I can do what you suggest and wait until all the emotions are completely tamed. But then in such situation maybe he'd be less moved?

[atelis]

with respect, i think you are missing the point a bit miss pearl. the reason you guys keep breaking up isn't because there is a lack of lovey dovey stuff being thrown around, its because you argue too much.

 

what your boyfriend needs to see is something that will change the pattern of your relationship thus far and a romantic poem while a nice gesture does nothing to change the underlying issue at hand........the arguments.

 

perhaps you are better off writing a letter that suggests you are ready to seek counselling in order to save your relationship and then keep it as a happy, positive relationship

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Kahdeksan. Also, the way you are trying to win him back is pretty much more of the same kind of behaviour that you were using during the relationship which didn't solve anything and just made things worse. The poems you are writing are just words...they are not actions...they are designed to create drama (him getting all misty-eyed about you)..they are not designed to fix your issues. You just want him back and then what? You will go around the same merry go round again. What you need to do is completely back off and work on yourself..work on the issues (self-esteem, co-dependence) which resulted in all the fights and breakups. Do not do the tug at his heartstrings manipulation tactics....that's just avoiding the real issues. Focus on the real issues first and only if you two have a more emotionally healthy relationship should you give him the poems.

[Kahdeksan]

Crazyaboutdogs really hits it home, misspearl, her advice are always real and precisely to the point.

 

However it's a real pity you didn't put as much effort into working on yourself, as you did with your creative writing though. Especially if issues such as trust is involved, not to mention communication. That to me is more important than working on the trust issues. You have to be able to establish a form of communication first before ironing out any other impending issues at hand here.

 

So yes, do as CAD suggested and set aside the poems for now. Heck, when you've sorted yourself out you could start a letter or conversation with your ex when you open up the communication's line by playfully saying you had written a mountain of poems waiting for him to wade through, heh. That would get him laughing... hopefully.

[misspearl]

But that's where the whole trust thing stems out... i'm always like "no it will be better this time i promise, I'll do anything"

 

but we fall back into the old routine.

 

so he wont believe me this time, thats more likely to make him laugh...lol. because its the 10th time ive said i'll change, we'll change etc.

 

I thought maybe if I show him how much he means to me emotionally he might stay with me long enough to stick it out, or just say fine its worth all the drama because of how much of a priority he is in my life.... uuuuhhh i dont know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Basically what you are saying is that since promising him to change has now been overdone and he won't believe it anymore, you are now going to try another manipulation tactic and see how that works. You spent all this time writing poems rather than doing what really matters..working on yourself. I think now you should actually PROVE that you have changed before trying to get back with him. You seem to want to do everything else BUT make the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship.

[Kahdeksan]

Misspearl, he already KNOWS how you feel about him, so the poems in this case will not open his heart as he is in no doubt a lot of pain and is wading through a lot of emotional issues. Some on his part and majority from yours I take it...

 

So do you see what the fundamental issue here is? It's that you've been giving him false incentives to come back into your arms and neither of you were willing to make the efforts to change. This is NO GROUNDS for reconciliation.

 

It's actually very hard to make things work when staying together whilst addressing a lot of the issues. You know what needs to be changed, and this you must do now, and nothing to assuage him to come back to you for the time being, because you'll only make room for more break ups.

 

Calm down... and acknowledge what you're going through... your anxiety is getting to you and you're growing desperate for his company. Which are all normal in post break up circumstances. However if you can identify your neediness to be with someone out of codependency then you're one step closer to self awareness.

 

I want you to take a read of this article here: link removed I hope it helps and hits home the issues you're going through.