Tough situation...would love some advice.

[skittles75]

Hello,

I am brand new to this site. Let me first say it's great to know that there's people out there experiencing the same thing I am, and it really helps to read other people's stories and their suggestions on how to move forward.

 

A brief synoposis of my situation before I get into my current challenge:

 

I have recently broken up with a girl that I was with for about a year and a half. It was "mutual", although really it wasn't. For the first year of our relationship, I have never in my life been happier. And I believe that she hadn't been either. We both thought we would be together forever. We moved in together after a year, and slowly everything started to change. She gradually started to become detached and was showing less and less affection for me. We would argue more and she always seemed to have an attitude about something or other. I was not completely innocent either, but my distance that formed toward her was a direct result of the way she was acting toward me. We talked about it several times, said we'd try harder to get things back on the right track, but as hard as I tried, it never happened. The last month we were together was agonizing, and it became clear that it wasn't going to work. We agreed to end it. So as you can see, although we agreed to end it, it really wasn't mutual because I still loved her very much and would have done anything to make it work, but it was her whose feelings had changed. I just let her off the hook by not making her actually be the one to pull the trigger. But believe me, I don't have the feeling of someone who mutually broke up with their significant other...I feel very much the dumpee.

 

Anyway, I have since moved out and the break up blues hit me full force. All the usual suspects; can't stop thinking about her, scared she's with someone else, no appetite, trouble sleeping, etc. I didn't think it would hit me this hard, but it really has and I'm struggling day to day to try to get through it.

 

Now here's the toughest part.

 

We work at the same bar...granted we both do it only once per week and on different nights. But for years we have both hung out there, and I have a lot of friends there. And unfortunately, not the type of friends that I would hang out with outside of the bar, so the only time I see them is there. Well, I have run into Her there twice over the last 2 weeks and it's awful. First of all, She looks SO good and that makes me miss her obviously. Secondly, she seems SO happy. It's brutal to see her so happy when I'm so sad.

 

Other than the two instances that I've run into her there, I have had no contact with her. I've resisted every temptation to call, to text, to email and know very well that in order to get over this, I need to completely have her absent from my life. But there's always the chance I'll run into her at the bar. And the few times I have seen her there, it sets my progress back significanlty. I have very much reduced the time I spend there, but it's still iimportant to me to spend some time there because I have a great time (when she's not there of course) and get to see people that help me take my mind off of things. Quitting the one night per week job and stopping going there altogether does not seem possible for me, believe it or not the one night a week nets me a lot of money over the month and I need the job, plus I would not see people anymore that I very much like hanging out with. But there's always the chance that she may be there and thereforee I will never be able to have the complete No Contact that I need to help me move on.

 

Very sorry for the long, drawn out story...any suggestions or encouraging words would be so greatly appreciated. Help is needed!

[atelis]

i'm sorry for your pain my friend. you are not alone here.

 

is there no other bar you can work at? i know it's hard, but you really need to look after your emotional health right now and it's cearly very difficult to see her and be around her. you even said that it's holding you back from healing.

 

you may be doing fine a for a couple of weeks and then yu see her and the feelings start rushing back. some times you need to make that sacrifice for your own good.

[skittles75]

Thank you atelis. Just hearing that I'm not alone helps to some extent. To answer your question, sure, I could potentially quit and try to find something else. But in doing so, I would no longer see a lot of people who are important to me. Unfortunately, it's a catch 22. The thought of cutting all ties with this place seems almost as bad as it was losing her as sad as that is to say...this place has been a part of my life for a very long time...it would be like Norm never going back to Cheers (not sure if you've ever watched the show, but you'll understand what I mean if you have). But you're right, seeing her is not at all good for my emotional health. I'm struggling with the whole scenario...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think you should quit going to a place you enjoy going to just because your ex may be there. I think in the long run you will end up feeling resentful if you give up something you enjoy, people you enjoy being with, just because she may happen to be there.

This is not a Western Movie "this town ain't big enough for the both of us". This is a time where you need supportive people around, people you can chat with which will make you feel welcomed and supported. She ripped your heart out...don't allow her to ruin your social life as well. It will be tough the first little while but over time it will get easier. Also, you really don't know just how happy she is..that could all be a front...for all you know she is thinking the same of you. Let her be the first one to blink and get out of Dodge...you stick where you are and enjoy your friendships and your job.

[Kahdeksan]

Skittles, firstly a great big hug for you, mate. I know how hard it all must be. You're a lot stronger than you've lead yourself to belief.

 

Crazyabout dogs is absolutely right. Don't let her dictate your way of life! I also wanted to add that since you work at the same bar, could you perhaps ask for different hours? Some bars close up late so hopefully there are hours for you with which you could avoid her and still keep your job.

 

Things have to get tougher for them to get any easier, and you will have to wade through hell to recover from your pain. Don't stay there... but go through it, the grive and all. Things will get easier in the long run, provided you focus on you and not on obsessing about having her back in your arms. Also understand that if she was to get back with you it would NOT be the same. She wouldn't be the same person you once fell so happily in love with. People change and she has changed, her heart's not there anymore...

 

Sending you lots of positive vibes!

[atelis]

skittles, why not ask management for some time off from there just to let you heal a bit. If you are that close to the staff and management, they would understand your situation and give you that time and let you come back when you feel like you are a bit stronger?

 

It's a tough one and i know it's a hard decision. Ultimately, you need to look after your emotional state as best you can while not cutting off the things that are important to you, but sometimes somethng has to give

[skittles75]

Thanks guys, your kind words and suggestions are so appreciated.

 

Crazyaboutdogs...I completely agree with you. I don't at all want to stop going to a place that I enjoy and have been a part of for years just because there is the chance of running into her. I'm sure I will continue to hang out there and just desperately hope I get lucky in the fact that I'm not there the same times she is. If we are there at the same time, well then I'll just have to keep my cool in the moment, and deal with whatever feelings arise from it later on.

 

Kahdeksan...thank you very much for your kind words as well. And I know you're absolutely right about her not being the same person I was once with. Luckily, I've accepted that already and am very aware that it's over and I need to move on. I have no allusions about getting back together with her. But unfortunately, it still hurts very much to see her. It would probably be a little easier if when I saw her, I got the impression that at least she missed me or was the least bit sad. However, she has given the opposite impression. Maybe it's real, maybe not, but it kills me that she seems so damn happy. And I've never known her to be a good actress, I believe it's real. And I'm fairly certain there's most likely someone else...I don't think she could be this way if there weren't.

 

Atelis...I have considered your point of view as well. I know that completely eliminating any chance of seeing her is vital to my recovery. I just don't believe it is possible though. Asking for time off to recover is unfortunately not an option. The last thing I want to do is let everyone who knows me and her there to know that a.) I'm suffering and b.) that I allowed her to chase me away from what is important to me. Ideally, I'd love it if she stopped going there. But I can't ask her that. I don't want to let her know that I'm suffering. I don't want her to have that boost in her ego. It's important for me to try to stay strong in her eyes...if even for my own self confidence.