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Falling in love with a commitment-phobe


SmintyMinty
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Hi! I'm feeling confused and lost here...I've been seeing this guy for nearly 3 months and he told me from the start he was commitment-phobic. His longest relationship was just under a year. I thought we were making progress and he was getting more serious about me: he's been making all the right noises - says he wants to spend more time with me (because of the distance we only see each other on weekends), he wants us to date exclusively, calls me his girlfriend, I've met his friends and he suggested we spend Valentine's weekend together. When I said I was going speeddating with a single friend as a favour he got very upset and asked me not to go. But then 2 weeks ago he called and said he wasn't looking for a full-on committed relationship which has left me all confused as the way he behaves with me when we're together says the opposite.

 

I really feel like I'm falling for him and I am afraid that if I told him how deep my feelings have gotten he will just freak out and bail out on me. Everytime I think he's getting more long-term ideas about us he pulls back on me...like the other day he said that he didn't think weekends were necessarily "ours" and that we should feel happy going off and doing other things without each other. He even said that we should keep things "casual" which really stung as i didn't see us this way. But then when I saw him last week he was very intense with me and told me he wanted to see more of me and he's more affectionate and loving with me.

 

We also have real problems communicating when we are apart during the week and I do feel neglected - he calls me twice a week if I'm lucky, sometimes texts me once a day and doesn't always return my emails. I can go two days in a row without hearing anything from him at all. One time he didn't contact me at all for 4 days and this was in the early days and I had to tell him I was unhappy and then he put in more effort. I feel like he's doing the bare minimum during the week so he can see me on the weekend and I feel lousy as he always leaves it as long as possible between phone calls as he can get away with before I get mad at him. I feel like I can't call him as I don't feel he wants me to as I would be interrupting him in something or invading his life. I've called him before out of the blue and he switched me to his voicemail straightaway. And since then I've always left it up to him to call me. It really hurts as I don't think I can mean all that much to him if he doesn't feel the need to contact me often when we're apart.

 

Basically I'm confused as when I'm with him he leaves me in no doubt that he likes me a lot and makes plans for us but then when we don't see each other during the week it feels like he pulls back and is emotionally distant from me. Our phone calls are like ones I would have with a guy friend and not my boyfriend. I feel awful...he makes me so madly happy and so sad. I've thought about ending this every week we've been together but I have developed stronger feelings for him than I've admitted to him. We have a lot going for us and I don't really want to throw it all away but at the same time I am conscious that I can't be the best I can be for him and show him how I really feel without thinking that he might panic and break things off.

 

So I don't know what to do...has anyone else had a similar experience and advice? Should I just break it off now or hold out for longer? I know I love him but I'm afraid he just sees me as a weekend distraction and a bit of fun. He has told me that he doesn't seem me as just that but I have a hard time believing him...Am I just being paranoid? The signs are there that he cares for me very much (we still haven't slept together and he hasn't acted any differently to me)...

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I think you shld just walk away and find someone better......

 

having long term plans and backing away? he is playing mind games with u frm wad i see.

 

let mi tell u my situation now with my gf and maybe u will feel better. i have always made long-term plans for my relationship and i am only 21. she's 19. but it is always her who always feels that we shld take things as they come as we do not know what will happen in future. that is her pt of view as i feel that as long as love exists, any problems can be solved.

 

my another advice would also be to follow ur heart. find a quiet place and do some deep thinking. the ans may just come to u. and try to look on the brighter side of things too.

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Thanks for the advice guys...I had a deep think about it and I think it's just time to walk away... I know he's playing mind games and I have told him to stop it but he keeps doing it and it's making me very unhappy. It's almost as if he wants me to feel insecure with him and never sure if he totally wants to be with me and I don't understand why. I can see how it's affecting me - I'm usually a really happy kinda person and lately I've just been crying nearly all the time and feeling very unhappy although he doesn't know this.

 

I have never had this many problems with a guy early on in the relationship and it's just so much hard work when the beginning is the good part. But how to break it off with him?? He definitely won't be expecting it and I know it will break my heart...

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good to see that if have made up your mind smintyminty.

 

my advice now would be that no matter wad, you just have to let him know(either in person/text/or call) which ever u are more comfortable with. nobody will ever expect a breakup, so just be calm and let him know your reason and it may just turn ard.

 

 

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I know I am worth more than this guy is giving me. He lives a half hour train ride away and I will have seen him only twice only this month. He makes plans then backs out or makes them more vague and last-minute the closer the date comes to the point where I'm never sure if I will see him or not. He never does little things to show he cares...I'll travel to see him and he won't have seen me for a week and he won't even be waiting for me on the platform when the train pulls in...He'll be sitting in his car and I have to go out to find him. That tells me he doesn't care about me all that much. He'll cook me dinner sure but then tells me afterwards not to get used to it as it's not a regular thing and just to impress me in the beginning so really I take it that means nothing?!! It confuses me as I was the one not that interested at first and he pursued me hard. He has told me he likes me but after 3 months I just don't think that is good enough. Like this weekend he blew off a date with me on the Friday so he could party on Saturday and said he wasn't sure if he could see me the Sunday even though it was his idea to see me on both Friday and Sunday a few weeks ago.

 

I think I knew what I had to do all along, I just needed confirmation - I saw the red flags all the way and usually I follow my gut instincts and I felt it was wrong but I really wanted things to work out with him. I know it will be hard but I know I am better off without him. I will let you know how it goes...thanks everyone!

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