Today, I will admit that I have problems..... (VERY LONG)

[Hero_99]

Today I will admit to the world that all is not well with my life, and never has been. I am the product of an abusive co-dependent marriage relationship that failed and now I am left alone to pick up the scattered and torn pieces of my life, which has been nothing more than a catechismic cycle of creation and destruction.

 

I was born to parents that should have never had children. This may seem harsh to say this, since I owe them my life, but I have to be honest; my parents were horrible parents.

 

Therr was of course a time before I was born, and before my mother and father met. My mother was raised by a poor family who chose to life as recluses on some desert mining claims out in the middle of nowhere.

My mother knew very little about the outside world or how a functional family lived, as all she ever knew before she met my father was her horses and pet dogs. My mother had absolutly no idea how to live in the world. My grandmother did not teach her how to cook and clean or how to do women's work at all. She grew up sort of tomboyish in a way never really knowing the diffrence between masculine and feminine, but then again so did my grandmother who use to hunt deer for food back in the early nineteen hundreds as parts of california were still being settled. My father on the other hand grew up in a rather well to do family of politicians and engineers who themselves came from very rich predecessors. Through my father I am related to two hollywoodactors, a famous civil war soldier, and one very closely related united states president. My great grandfather was one of the engineers who drew up plans on the panama canal, and my uncle had worked as a politician for the government in california and once drew up plans to run for California Govenor.

 

You would wonder why my father would choose to marry a woman who had that much of a social gap between the two families. The awnser would be that my father was the rebel of the family, and was actully kicked out of home when he was seventeen years old. To marry my mother he pretended to have a convincing conversion to christianity in the seventh-day adventist church by attending an adventist boarding school for one or two years. He quit going to church shortly after he married my mother.

 

Apparently my father treated my mother well for the few couple of years that they were married, and he soon found himself a good job doing contract work for southern california edison. Somewhere between the time that I was born and my sister was born my father began doing some hard drugs, which has been a guilt factor for my parents mainly because my sister was born blue faced and half sufficated by the umbilical cord, and has had severe learning disabilities all her life.

 

I don't remember a whole lot of bad things about my father when I was exceptionally young. I only remember going fishing a few times and some of the play equipment he built me and my sister. Until later when I started to become more self-aware at about the age of seven or eigth do I start to remember problems.

 

There was one time that I remember that I actually tried to commit suicide between the ages of seven, eight, and nine. Some of them were blatently in front of my parents especially in front of my mother. I would put knives up to my throat and threaten to kill myself in front of them, and for no reason that I can remember except that I had such horrible social anxiety.

 

My father never had any respect for me and my things when I was younger. I remember that one time there was a pair of stilts that I constructed out of wood when I was visiting my grandparents. Two weeks after we got home I went outside and saw my father cutting up my stilts and when I asked him why he said it was because they were no good. I felt like he was telling me that things that I made wern't good enough to be kept around. There were also some rocks that my grandfather had given me that I felt to be very special.

One of them was actually a piece of golden ore that had bits and pieces of real gold inside of it. I kept them behind the window sill near the kitchen sink all lined up against a rack that was there decorativelly. One day I noticed that they were missing, and I didn't know where they went to until a few days later I was walking around the sand lot outside of our property and saw my stones just hurled outside. I found out later that my father did threw them there.

 

Then there were the times where I wanted to please my father by doing a good job at things. Not only did he nbot reward me by my hard efforts, he didn't like the way I did things. He wanted them done a certain way and if I didn't do it the way he wanted he would not be contented.

 

My father also had a nickname for me, which not only bothers me now, but it bothered me then as well and I made it very clear that I didn't want to be called that. He called me a little bastage. I hated it because it sounded to much like he was calling me a bastard, and I even told him that by saying that I am not a bastage. He never took me seriously and just called me that regardless.

 

I never knew why, but when I was in the first and second grade my other classmates would always laugh at me when I would dress and they saw me naked. I remember that sometimes I would just ignore then, but I remember often feeling horribly humilated by this.

 

When I was a little older than this it got to where I would refuse to play sports even. I remember that during p.e. classes I would only do just as much as I had to, and would never actually try to play the game. Sometimes I wouldn't play at all and would just pace around at the far end of the field.

 

My father was also not a very popular person in the community. In fact, the neighbor hood kids called him psycho. And by that I mean that if you were to say the word psycho, they would immediatelly think of my father. For example, some kids were shooting off some illegal fireworks a few lots down from where our house resided, and my father didn't like this. He could have just called the cops, but instead he took out a shotgun and shot it over the top of the childrens heads scaring them away from the property. This wasn't in the country I mind you, this was in a residential surburbal type resort area where you wouldn't normally expect to see people fireing off shotguns in the middle of the night.

 

The last time that I had lived with my father was about august of 1993 when we were at a family reunion.

My father had gone out drinking with my great uncle that night, and my mother got worried and went out looking for him. My father had gotten home before she could find him, and was angry that my mother wasn't there since he wanted to leave. I don't remember how it got started, but my father got into a fist fight with my uncles and and the police were called. My father was actually arrested for this and spent a few days in jail. In the mean time it was decided that me, my mother, and my sister should go stay with my uncle in missouri. We went back, packed up everything we could, and headed to the LAX airport.

 

My mother separated from my father atleast twice that I know of before we finally left California to live with my aunt and uncle in missouri.

 

We ended up in a really odd situation, since my aunt and uncle and two of my cousins were all staying at my aunts sisters house who was not realated to us. I had to sleep in a basement for three years that had a leaky foundation and cold damp cement floors, and there was no one close by who I could really be friends with. I was often depressed and lonely, and was probably in a state of deja vu.

 

Probably the only real social relief I got besides going to the local middle school was that there was a seventh-day adventist church a few blocks down the road from where I lived which I attended on saturdays, and in fact am still a member of although I have discontinued attending worships and have become somewhat backslidden. If you would ask me what denomination I am I would still consider myself an adventist.

 

In this church the first girl that I would consider to be my girlfriend I met when I was 13 years old. She would come to visit my church every so often with another family that attended there. It was always so blatently obvious that she liked me; she would always look at me in the eyes and smile. Well, I only saw her off and on for about a year until when I was about 14 or so. I got brave enough to start inviting her to do things with me when ever the church had an outing. Well, she started to hug me alot, and would always sit with me.

 

I remember that one of my younger friends use to tease me saying that she was my girlfriend. I actually got upset at him for doing this. I actually was somehow ashamed to actually admit that I had a girlfriend, and in fact I would sometimes try to deny this in my own mind. I remember making a comment once when I was younger that one of the reasons I couldn't get a girlfriend was because my mother embarrased me.

 

I guess you could say that problems started forming early on. She told me that she was raped by a guy much older than me who was highschool aged. I am wondering now if that somehow correlated with the rumors that she had a rather active sex life. Somehow I wasn't mature enough to see this as a sign that I shouldn't have ever been with this girl, but she liked me and we got along for the time being so I didn't think much about it. I was actually very very flustered and couldn't really control my emotions very well, but I tried especially hard when when I was around her.

 

The real trouble began when one saturday afternoon she went with me over to an elderly couples place out in the country for the afternoon where there was a lot of property with a creek large enough to swim in flowing through it. After lunch me, her, and my sister went down to go swimming. I remember that we were talking about some things. Then suddenly, she started to show me her breast. I don't know how my sister never noticed her doing this, and in fact, I have a pretty good incilnation that the way things were going I would have quickly had become another one of this girls sex partners.

 

What I didn't know is that my mother was watching from behind some bushes, and when she saw what was about to happen she came out and told us to come back inside the house. I don't think that she especially liked this, and in fact stared making up imaginary boyfriends afterwards on the way back home, and continueed doing so until I finally left her alone. I actually felt very hurt and disrespected that she took that approach and I was hurt for weeks and I still have not recovered entirely from that incident.

 

I had one other girlfriend after this that ended in apparent tragedy that I have forgotten the details about, and was just as flustered about as the previous girl and just as hurt or probably more hurt since I still had baggage left over from the last one.

 

I am actually very hesitant about having a girlfriend and I have been ever since these two girls. In fact, I passed up having some good relationships with girls mainly because of the deep seeded hurt these girls inflicted upon me. I have a horrible fear of girls hurting me the same way over and over again and I feel almost like I am scared for life from it. On the other hand I have a desire to be with one for fear of being lonely for the rest of my life.

 

About 1994 or 1995 my mother had found another man who was a recent convert from the first satellite prophecy seminar presented by pstor mark finley from the "it is written" television series. Me and patrick had it in from the start. Strange since I got along with him great before he moved in to live with me, my mother, and my sister. Not only was he verbally abusive he was also physically and emotionally abusive and very controlling. I would not let him control me and it made him very upset. He even tried to punish me for not letting him control me by insisting that he would not drive me anywhere that I wanted or needed to go, so I had to walk several miles through springfield to get to school and back every single day or anywhere else I wanted to go unless I could get a ride somehow with friends or something.

 

When I was seventeen I moved out for the first time in my life to continue my last year of highschool in a little town called nevada in the southwestern corner of missouri so many miles above joplin. I lived with my pastor's parents who were obviously still living back in the 1840a and I am not joking about that. I worked with them on the farm they owned and learned what it was like to be a farmer and planter. In a way I have to say that I owe a lot of gratitude to them for allowing me to stay there. I actually learned how to work well from and I was healthy as a result.

 

I stayed there for a little over a year and then returned home to my mother to attend community college.

I got a job working at a fast food restaurant that summer then switched to a better paying janitorial job

in which I worked nights and was a bit isolated.

 

Between my fast food job and college I was starting to attract some rather cute girls, but from my unresolved emotions and fear I never really took the incentive to ask any of them out or to have any exclusive relationships with them. I had one girl who was telling everyone that she wanted to date me and kept dropping hints, another one insisted that I give her my phone number and personal address and kept asking me odd personal questions like where I worked and the like. I actually had several girls who were after me like this.

 

College was alright for the first semester, but I ended up in a deep depression for the 2001 spring semester and dropped out of school. I had such chronic depression that I remained shut inside my room for an entire year and gained atleast 50 pounds. The was probably the closest I had ever felt to being imprisoned in my entire life and indeed I was.

 

My mother and step father didn't know what to do, so I pleaded with them to help me get to an adventist school where I could meet people my own age who were active seventh-day adventist, as I was desperate to curve my depression and lonliness.

 

Well, believe it or not it actually worked for the time being. I grew inspite of my upbringing and made many new friends, lost 50 pounds, and am an honors student. I began to awake from my slumber and find awnsers to why my life was so miserable, awnsers I would not had received if I stayed where I was.

 

I am still not as healthy as I should be. I still am a bit dysfunctional and sometimes I have a hard time taking care of myself. I don't always sleep and I often don't get more than four or five hours of sleep a night.

 

I want to live a healthy lifestyle, but I don't always know how, as I am sure I still have many many unhealthy habits that need to be compromised. Somehow I need to find a way to get a right balance, to get my needs meet, but I am struggling horribly. I don't want to live as an abuser; I don't want to abuse or hurt anyone else, and I don't want to be hurt myself. I don't want to blame all women either for the way some have treated me in my life. Just like all people some of them are bad and some of them are good. My mother was sometimes very controlling herself and getting to know the bad ones when I was young didn't help my perception of them either. I know that there are some good women out there...

 

I need to get back to church more often, I stopped attending sabbath services regularly back in 2001 and I have only been back a few times since. Atleast I can have the privaledge of knowing God when I am still young.

 

Sometimes I get depressed, like now, and I write long letters like this to help get the hurt and anger out that I sometimes feel against the world and certain people.

[lil_mamarains13]

I am sorry you had such a rough childhood, and met the wrong girls. Life is all about risks though. You can't shut yourself up, and never experience anything. Things are going to hurt, but you have to learn to heal and move on. You need to go out, meet people and experience things that you have never done. It is time to forget about getting acceptance or approval from you parents, and become a man of your own. You don't need to have approval from anyone to be proud of yourself. Someone you least expect or may not even know my approve of your work or accomplishments. Don't fall for someone else who has a lot of problems either like the girl who was raped by an older guy. Rape does different things to girl, it either makes them very permiscous (not sure how to spell) or it shuts them down where they don't want anyone to even look at them. You have enough baggage of you own, and you don't need to pick up someone else's too. Everyone has had hard times, and yes some have had worse than others, but you have to learn to heal and live life to it's fullest. I am not going to say you won't get hurt again by another girl because most likely you are, but it is better to have loved, and lost than to have never felt that love for someone. It is time to break down some of your barriers and start living life one day at a time. I hope I helped some, and I wish you all the luck.

[vfunkera]

hey Hero_99,

 

I am very shocked at reading this, because i have read your replies before, and you were someone that always seemed to stand out in terms of advice and experience. You have never sounded like you have let any of your life experience effect your unbiased and excellent advice. Obviously today is a different day. Don't let it put you down.

 

Your life story and its events are not unusual and are exceptional experiences. You have gone through things that a lot of people haven't, and we have gone through things that you haven't. You are unique. Let your experiences guide not just yourself, but us as well (as it has done on me already). Let our life experiences and what you haven't that we have guide you. I am aiming to guide those who go through break ups. Learn from what experience teaches.

 

Hero_99, your past is the past. The way you have been nurtured and its experience has made you who you are. this is the same for everyone. Make yourself a better person, and know all points of the argument before coming on the conclusion. You do not have a very posotive experience with girls. Read posts here about love, and what it does. To have someone close to you, and understand you. What it feels like to open your heart to someone.

 

Your 'Angels', as luckystar calls in a recent post, are your fears and insecurities fighting with the army of experience, and your experience is not good in terms of love and childhood. thereforeeee you will be scared and defensive towards most of these usual good things. Its important to live your life to the fullest, and experience everything.

 

Your advice has made a difference in my life Hero_99. Hopefully i can do the same for you. Your advice had made a difference for a lot of people. Learn from what experience teaches. Time cannot be rewind, and what has happened has happened. All you can do is learn from it. Hopefully you will open up to girls. You will marry. You will be anything better then the father you had for your own son/daughter. You will advice your wife and she will advice you. You will advice us and we will advice you. THIS goes for anyone and everyone. I am sorry for your rough childhood. I am sorry for all the pain in the world. I am sorry for the mistakes we make that push our love ones away from us. Learn from experience and from each other.

 

Good luck .

[Hero_99]

Thank you, I am glad that people here appreciate whatever advice I can give; however foolish, frail, and human I really actually am, just like everyone else.

 

Well, it was actually my birthday a day or two ago when I posted this.

I don't know if it was that that sparked this sudden depression or maybe it was also caused by what has been happening in life over the past couple of months, as I have been receiving large doses of the reality of my life lately, and I know some of the problems are direct results of my childhood experiences.

 

I also see this among people that chose to be my friends. I see a selective pattern that they have certain tendencies that I am beginning to hate in myself. I believe that that is one of the reasons why they each in fact chose to be my friend.

 

I see problems that I don't like and I don't want, and it is hard not to feel that I have to distance myself from people to keep from doing to others what in fact happened to me. Even if it means sacrificing close relationships.

 

I'm sure most of you can probably guess that there was also a girl involved with this, and there was in a sense. In fact, before I started getting to know her I had no real self awareness that I had some very rigid self protection instincts engrained within me that has basically prevented me from getting my emotional needs fulfilled and at the same time has prevented me from learning some valuable life lessons.

 

I don't know what else to say, but I feel whatever type of a relationship I could have had with her has been destroyed. Destroyed because of me, because of my poor outlook on life, my fears, my anxieties, and my dysfunctional living, and also since she also has some severe problems like these other girls. Maybe it was for the better that she left.

 

I need to be strong and do what I have to do as a man, no matter how hard or how difficult it is and how many hoops I have to jump through.

 

You guys are absolutly right that I should not let past rejections phase me. Rejection of course is much less painful than a life full of lonliness and regret; unless you allow yourself to live with both.

 

Whatever happens atleast I have confidence that I can survive regardless of the difficulties. I still have a lot of life to live and there is still time to make that much more of a diffrence if I can only change and minimize my faults and flaws.

[vfunkera]

That's the spirit!

 

Set yourself some goals, find something to live for. The only reason i am keep myself going in this life is to find love again- i had a taste of it, and it was all i ever wanted since then.

 

My signature is the real outlook on life, and what i read when i regret doing something. There are a few other quotes that i use and rely on heavily, and that is that after the dark night, especially when its lonely, comes a bright day. All you have to do is keep your head up, stick your chest out and handle it. Its a struggle everyday, just roll on and the better days will come soon.

 

Good luck Hero_99,