Still something missing?

[Archivist]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been feeling strange recently, i've followed all the steps to recovery mainly "no contact" but its only started to happen properly two weeks ago, since my ex kept contacting me or we kept running into each other.

 

Its been four months since my realtionship ended with what at the time seemed like my soul mate. She broke up with me, didn't betray me but she really hurt me not long after our break up. In the beginning i spent alot of time with my close friends and kept myself busy. It seemed like it wasn't really working because i'd still be thinking about my ex no matter what i was doing. Later on it started to get better and i was starting to feel better about myself. Well since then, these past 2 weeks i've not done anything, i've not really been in contact with any friends, and i've not gone out (I deliberatly did not go out this weekend because i knew my ex would be there). I still see one local friend so i've not totally cut myself off from everyone.

 

Am i going backwards in healing? sometimes it seems like my life it getting back to how it was before i met my ex. But now it seems different i haven't felt like going out or spending time with my friends. I just stay at home and i'm fine with that, except sometimes i just think that something is wrong with me. Does it seem like i'm going backwards in healing? I no longer have the strong "need" for my ex, i have accepted what has happened, even though i have not yet forgiven her fully or agree with her actions. Is this normal or do i need a kick in the butt to get active again? Just recently i seem to have stopped trying to recover and have no direction. It feels like i'm missing something, i know my life is not normal yet but i can't pin point it. I think a big part of this is because my ex and i share the exact same friends, i met her through these same friends. We both have other friends, but we have the same "main" group of friends the ones we are with most often.

 

I wonder if anyone has felt this way before or can shed any light on why i am feeling like this. Thanks for your time.

[Michael2]

Here is your kick in the ass..lol.

 

Imagine yourself on a rollarcoaster, you are gliding along climbing the hill ( this represents you overcoming and dealing with the breakup. You go out, live life, hang out with friends, take on a new hobby, and for once you smile), then suddenly the coaster dips down and you are free falling ( this represents you breaking down , your heart breaks, your eyes swell and burst with tears), then suddenly things level out .

 

What you are experiencing is normal.

 

When my ex and I first broke up I was distraught. Life was over as I knew it. I spent the next FIVE months in a blur, yes 5 long depressing months. Lost 20 pounds, couldnt concentrate, was involved in a car accident ( with a brand new car none the less). Then one day, poof, I woke up. I felt alive again. I picked up a new hobby (guitar), worked my butt off at work, signed up with a new gym, began to build a kick ass cd collection; studyed for my GMAT's and financial exams, I was occupying my mind with thoughts of ME and not her, not us, not anyone but ME.

 

THen one day, I woke up and I was depressed again. THings were blurry, drowning in a pool of misery, it was horrible. Square one again, and I had no idea why. BUt this time, it only lasted a few weeks, and then I would cheer up again.

 

I was and still am on that rollarcoaster, but each day, the pain slowly vanishes, and when it does reappear I am able to overcome it. Dont get me wrong, it is STILL VERY DIFFICULT. What I am trying to get at , is that you will be on this coaster for a while, but one day it will be better. Promise. Good luck my friend

[jclaam]

Hey there,

 

It always will be weird if you and ex share the same group of friends. Don't feel weird if you don't feel like going out on the weekends. Maybe you just need sometime to yourself. It takes time to heal and like you said that you are getting better. But you are still thinking about her. There is nothing right with that because she was vital part of your life for time you guys were together. You just can't forget all that over night or in span of couple days. Having the no contact is good because it gives both you guys time to heal or gives her time to really think about whether she wants come back to you. If you even want her back in your life. Lot of people including myself, we tend to think that in order to make sure that our ex don't forget us. We must constant remind them with all the crying, begging, and telling them how much we miss or love them. I have learn from it that it really doesn't work and it would only drive them further away. I know this from experience and it was really painful when I finally realize that by me doing all the begging and crying to her. It was not helping the situation, but it only worsen the situation. Hang in there and with time your pain slowly heal. I know that it might seem like it right now. I think you will be okay. Let going the person we dearly love so much might be one of hardest thing we have to face in our lives. But when you finally do let go, it will be one most gratifying experience you will experience. Good luck!!

[Rainswept]

I'm sorry your going though this...I think I can relate with you alot on this...it seems your breakup must of been pretty difficult than the norm..and trying to avoid your ex in the meantime is also normal, but after a long period of time , you might also find yourself maybe alienating your friends aswell..I don't really understand this all either myself...But I know that its not something that just ends on its own, Maybe you don't want to hear what new info your friends have collected, or maybe you don't want to see your ex drop by with a new significant, as much as you may think your handling it...your putting the actual "letting go" on a shelf, and you spend more time at home cause you don't want to have to deal with those possible possibilities....I understand your friends are also the biggest reminder of your ex aswell.....this all pretty much sounds like me, I would change my circle of friends alot, I would spend time with other friends, and then shift around, but I would try to avoid my main "friends"..and this ultimately led me to agoraphobia, and I would spend my time in my room, which led to obsessive disorder, where like another poster added about a music collection...I can't tell you how much music I bought, but I would eventually move onto another obsession, I restored a 1989 Pontiac Firebird, after that I had nothing, so I had to find another obsession, etc etc etc, this is all over a girl I dated 3 years ago..technically I might of gotten over her, but there was that thing in my life that eluded me...and (this sounds like the title of your post) and for 3 years I did not let anybody in, I finnally am attacking the source of my problems and I am getting better and better, I don't really know the reasons for this behavior, but I can say your not alone, and your not crazy..But my advice is to not ignore this...seek comfort in friends, and go out and try to move on, it will hurt like hell, but don't deny the pain, cause if you do, you'll keep the pain at a close distance..and it could be a life changing and personality changing thing..maybe even counsling could help you through this terrible ordeal, I really feel for you, I hope you make it through

 

Hope it works out..I hope I was a little insightful

 

~rainswept

[Archivist]

Thanks alot guys, i should have known myself its just one of those days. I just needed reasurence. It is very hard letting go of someone you loved so much. They really do make you do the strangest of things eh? Its going to be difficult for me, because shes still going to be a part of my life whether i like it or not, its just unavoidable, unless i move outta town or change my friends, i dont even want to do any of those things.

 

I know no contact is the best thing, but i doubt she does miss me, well sometimes she shows that she does, but she can't miss me that much shes dating my "friend"! All this was after our break up tho, but hey still hurts, they knew it would hurt me too. Anyways enough about that. I need to concentrate on myself maybe i'll froce myself out again this weekend. Thanks again guys takecare i hope the future brings us much more happiness, and good luck to you too.

 

edit:

 

Hey Rainswept,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from, no contact is one of the best solutions, maybe sometimes its not, i do feel like i'm alienating my friends over this. When i was out with my friends i'd sometimes see my ex around, i could get through the day, but it always slows down my healing. So i've decided to try no contact for real this time, but i also feel like i'm cutting my friends out. I do often shift from different groups of friends also, each time i feel as if i dont actually fit in anywhere. How are you feeling now? do you still see yuor ex? how does that make you feel?