Inequal Values

[MollyElise]

I have never considered myself a very moral or value based person, honestly more hedonistic. During the last couple of years I have realized that I do have a very strong moral and value system, they do not agree with mainstream America though.

 

I believe in the innate goodness of people. I believe in truth and justice and life. I am an optimist. I believe in Karma. I desire fulfilled happiness. These are my beliefs, and I feel like are the base to everything in my life.

 

Very quickly in my relationship with my boyfriend I realized that he was much more pessimistic. We have had several arguments that are leading me to believe that he believes in almost the exact opposite of my core beliefs.

 

Up until now I have gotten upset regarding things he has said, but have excused them to myself as being something he didn't really think, I don't know, I thought maybe he was just trying to be dark and cool. I am beginning to believe that these things are really his true thoughts and feelings.

 

He believes that money will make you happier. He thinks that it is his right to take revenge on people. He thinks most people are stupider than him.

 

Just typing those things boils my blood, they go against everything that I am. How can I think about marrying this man and having children with him? We have such a wonderful relationship and he really is not very dark in the majority of areas of his life. He is sweet, helpful, loving, tells me Im beautiful everyday, and desires me constantly. AND he keeps a job, pays his bills, has no children and calls his mom every week. He's an absolute doll and we have excellent communication. We have been able to discuss and get through hard times in our relationship already. And just this week I have been thinking that he may be the "one". Maybe its the stress of that idea, I don't know.

 

I cannot talk about what he said tonight, it really gets me too upset and is not very important I believe in this discussion. I have told him something similair, I am concerned regarding my reaction right now, I need to figure out how I feel and think about this.

 

I want to know should I compromise my values?

 

MollyElise

[Ash]

In part, it's our whole upbringing. We've been constantly educated and exposed to a fairly rigid set of beliefs. I you don't accept them 100%, then you start to feel guilty, and get judged harshly by others. You're right of course. Just because your system of values is slightly different from others doesn't make you any less of a person, and doesn't make how you are any less valid.

 

Thanks for putting it so well MollyElise. I know first hand it's not a viewpoint that is popular with everybody, and it takes some courage and fortitude to state it as you did.

 

Are you sure your boyfriend is the exact opposite? Or does he just differ in a few ways. His beliefs for example. I don't believe money would make me happier, but I understand the belief some people have that it would make them happier, and I don't see why I should not let them have their beliefs. Revenge is never truly sweet. It will always backfire. You may have a victory, but at the expense of knowing you've hurt somebody else. And as for people being less intelligent than him, on the one hand it may very well be true, on the other hand, it's not something to be flaunted.

 

I guess what I'm saying, is there anyway you can reconcile what he says in such a way as it isn't a point of contention, but is rather a difference in viewpoints? Let him see it his way, and you see it yours. Don't try to convince each other that your viewpoint is the correct one, no matter how much you believe it is. Just let it turn slightly sideways in your mind so you can convince yourself that their viewpoint isn't wrong, it's just a bit different, and if you look at it in a specific, certain way, part of what they say has a little bit of merit.

 

I think you've reached a soul searching phase. You have to sit back and decide whether the differences you appear to have in values is enough of an issue to cause problems. Marriage is a huge step, you'll have to live with this person and his system of beliefs for effectively as long as you can imagine. If you can accept his beliefs, you'll be okay. But he must also accept yours, and you need to be convinced he has. Neither of you needs to change what you think, but I do think it's important the you agree to disagree at least. I would doubt either of you will really be able to permanently change, and trying to for the sake of taking your relationship to the next level is something I think you should consider very carefully before attempting to do so. Take great care, make very sure before you take the next step that it is the correct thing to do.

 

If either of you does change beliefs, it must be accepted by whoever changes that it be permanent. Accepting each other for how you are now is likely is slightly less difficult, but not at all simple either.

 

You have to decide ultimately whether to compromise your values. From what you say though, where you've now reached the point where you've become comfortable with them, can you afford to adopt a change for you which is unnatural, and maintain that for the rest of your life? Will you be giving up some of your soul to do this?

 

You have to be true to yourself ultimately, or happiness will always elude you. I know you have such strong feelings for your guy, just please consider where you go next.