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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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This thread was a great read....Its got many interesting and helpful posts, and thanks to everyone who wrote....I wish the best for all of us*

 

My BU was definatley a G.I.G, compounded with a 15 year age difference...

It has been the most painful and devastating event in my short time on this planet.....

 

I was agreeing that my BU was a G.I.G and these points from Andy* only confirmed my beliefs:

 

Yes, yes, yes and yes....to every single one of those points...especially 3, 4 and 8....

 

The only difference with my situation is that the greass really was greener on the other side....They're still together now 1 year later and her contacts have stopped.....

 

Which proves that rebounds can work, so try not to put much creedance in waiting for 'them' to fail......

 

From suffering through that the only advice I want to impart is: If there is someone else on the scene, try to fade into obscurity as fast as possible.... The reason they are contacting you whilst establishing their new RS is for their OWN comfort, not yours....And by 'being there' for them, all you are doing is making it a smoother easier transition for them.....

 

Even dumpers would attest that only after the contact and fire had died down and some time had passed with no contact, did they start to miss what they had and do the 180*.......

 

This thread helped me and I'm sure it will continue to help others who have had to lose something so special......Thankyou*

 

And thanks again to ENA for being here....A big shout out to all you newbies*...I still miss my partner 14 months out, but that excrutiating, chest crushing, life sucking pain that I know you are feeling has subsided somewhat... So hang in there*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

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Hi,

as I read this thread I thought this happened to me. But I am not sure, whether it is just a regular brake-up (divorce), because of the emotional affair or is it actually a G.I.G.S.

 

Two months ago I (27 years) had a safe, happy marriage (almost 1 year) and reliable beautiful wife (25 years). We were together for 4 years before we decided to get married. Three months ago I noticed that my wife has suddenly changed. Her attitude and behavior towards me and her parents changed. She became annoyed and defensive for no particular reason. She also became depressed – I thought it was because of her recent exams (postgraduate study). Needless to say, that I supported her and put every minute of my time into relationship and fulfilling her needs. It was not uncommon for her to become depressed from time to time.

 

However we were still intimate, kissed as usual, hug and held each other… She even told me that with every day she loved me more… Than finally I asked her why is she still depressed even after she passed the exams. The answer was – “I don’t know”. But this depression seemed to me a bit different than her previous depressions. She started to work extra hours and became distant, so I once again asked her what is wrong (she never liked “what is wrong” questions, because her mother used to press her with such questions when she was young). She told me that “we” have emotionally detached and that she doesn’t know what she wants, that she is not happy, that she is not being herself, that she needs to be alone, free and that she wish to experience life, meet people, party and have fun (she was never a party girl. She was quite the opposite - very hard studying, serious, mature, religious person and I never held her back, I even encouraged her to go out with her friends).

 

Few days later I questioned her again. She confessed that she has feelings for a coworker. He is 29 years old, has a two year old daughter, not married but probably separated. He doesn’t share any of her beliefs (not much of a moral person if he is hitting on a married woman), however he is authoritative, egocentric, very communicative, likes to hang out and party (total opposite of me). She told me that they think alike and that he is a good person. Finally she told me that they held hands and that they even kissed. This hurt like hell.

 

Now how can those two answers fit together – being alone and kissing a coworker? I gave her time to think on this life decision. She moved to her parents’ house for a few days. We went to marriage counselor once, but it was of no use, she said that this would have happened sooner or later, if not with him then with someone else. There was no remorse whatsoever. Of course she kept “seeing” him, so we divorced.

 

I am still torturing myself with questions like what is wrong with me, what have I done wrong to make her go. What did I miss, why she changed so suddenly, why didn’t she try to save our marriage? No answers.

 

What do you think? Is this G.I.G.S. or just regular divorce because of an affair?

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The problem I have with the idea of G.I.G.S. is that it presumes the person who's doing the syndrome-ing is completely un-self-aware and selfish, and hasn't communicated their needs with their partner at all. I also refuse to believe that most break-ups haven't been a long time in the making. I know that in my case, my husband saw the writing on the wall long before I told him I wanted a separation--he just refused to heed the signs, however overt they were.

 

All situations are different, of course, but sometimes the grass really IS greener (for both people) on the other side.

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What do you think? Is this G.I.G.S. or just regular divorce because of an affair?

Hi Replaced*

 

I am so sorry to read your horrific story....mainly coz I went through the same thing...

 

Do you think you could copy and paste your post to a new thread in the Healing section? You will get more support and replies if you do that....

 

I will look for your thread and post when I see it...

 

Stay Strong

Regards

K2*

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My god... This is exactly what happened to me. In a period of two days, we went from falling asleep while cuddling in bed, to a "no touch, no contact" situation. I had been talking about wanting to get married not long before, and we had been dating for a year and a half. She was 21, and immidiately she ran off with friends, stopped contacting me, and dosnt even act like I ever existed... It makes me sad to see this is a common thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi guys,

 

I'm wondering how many of the dumpees on these boards realised that when the dumper comes back it isn't all that great. I mean they left you, usually without any major reasons (due to the passion being gone, loving you but not being in love with you etc.), they come back usually because something went wrong in their new relationship and hoping that you will take them back. If you take them back without even a glitch I think you either had too little time to think about it (that's why NC is so good) or you are too afraid to not let them in ('I will never meet anyone else' etc.). You should really step back and look at everything and seriously rethink the whole break up situation. I know you still love them, but come on, they left you, usually because someone new entered the picture. Imagine you were married, what would happen then?

 

My ex left and jumped straight into a new relationship with someone who apparently makes her smile and is so good to her, although I know it's about the 'new', the excitement. What was I during the last 8-9 years of the relationship? what about the trust, the certainty, the support? Don't get me wrong, a week ago I would've taken her back with open arms, but slowly I'm starting to see what happened and why. Remember fascination is a strong feeling and even though the dumper might have feelings for you, this new thing in their lives will probably win, at least for now.

 

The problem I have with the idea of G.I.G.S. is that it presumes the person who's doing the syndrome-ing is completely un-self-aware and selfish, and hasn't communicated their needs with their partner at all. I also refuse to believe that most break-ups haven't been a long time in the making. I know that in my case, my husband saw the writing on the wall long before I told him I wanted a separation--he just refused to heed the signs, however overt they were.

 

I agree, normally the future dumper makes effort (or at least some sort of effort) to communicate their needs, but sometimes it's not as clear as it should be. My ex told me she broke up with me because I wasn't showing her love or telling her that I love her, even though I was caring and been there with her for the last years, through good and bad times. During that time she would also distance herself which made it hard for me to show my true feelings, I mean how can you honestly tell someone you love them when the other side is moving away from you and something isn't right? I actually started changing a lot during the last couple of months, but because she was away she couldn't see that and someone else entered the picture who said all the right stuff. She probably felt good about it, felt chased and attractive (though I was always saying that she was great looking, but I guess she got used to it) and I think that finally gave her the nudge to break up. Now she denies the new guy had anything to do with it, but I'm pretty sure he played a part. I think long term relationships are the hardest as both sides get used to things after a while and tend to focus on what's wrong, rather than how much is good.

 

the_dawn

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hello all,

 

I posted on this thread many years ago. I just wanted to show people what a difference a couple years can make.

 

I stopped talking to my ex a long time ago (8/08) and I can tell you that, since then, we have never spoken again. I have been dating someone new for a year and a half now, and there has been no signs of the ex suddenly realizing her mistake because of GIGS (if she ever actually had that).

 

I just wanted to let people know that life really does get better and you do learn to realize that your exes don't matter as much as you think. If they left you to see if there's anything else thats better out there, then so be it. You'll find someone else that will make you feel just as good about yourself. Don't let one person's actions define the rest of your life.

 

This is still a great post by MayDay11. I'm sure someone will find the advice given in this thread very helpful. And, as much as he does give hope to those looking for it, everyone does also have to realize that the ex may never come back at all (as MayDay11 has also stated in his posts). But life does get better. I'm proof.

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Good thread, can really relate to it as I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because he has GIGS. We'd been together since we were 16, I'm his first kiss, girlfriend etc.

 

The only anomaly is that I was the one who broke it off (intuition clued me in that he had feelings for another girl), and he said he never would've broken up with me over this if I hadn't broken up with him because he was happy with me, but just "curious". I suspect he was scared to lose me and scared of the possibility that he could be making a huge mistake. We also had no issues prior to this, literally hours before I asked him about his feelings for this girl and the subsequent break up, we were saying "I love you"'s.

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  • 5 weeks later...

This is such a good read it's actually hard not to keep tabs on things.

 

One thing is for sure, it begs the question.. What on earth is it that brings my heart into a situation where I know for a fact, I walked into a lonesome separated woman's situation with full hearted capabilities, knowing that she may recover to a point where she felt like dating and seeing what was out there again?

 

I sure wound up with a confused, volatile situation on my hands, when she refused to commit, I pushed, pushed, pushed, and she backed away, got more defensive, but insisted we remain friends friends friends.

 

She still says I'm the best friend she ever had.. but four months ago we had a talk about where we stand on sex.. I told her frankly, if she sleeps with someone else at this point there is no chance of a relationship with us, and I refused to be treated like I was someone's "second choice"

 

She obviously has GIGS, because she wants to see what's out there.. she's said that much. She has leaned on me as a friend and confidante, even though my push for a stronger bond between us has been not only mixed signals from her, to her actually becoming jealous and keeping me from dating other people.. but.. simply put, she doesn't know what she wants.. insists on being "alone"

 

I honestly think there's somebody else in the picture, she hasn't said as much, so the bottom line is this:

 

She claims she has "abandonment issues" and has sucked me into talking to her twice, for the sake of keeping me around as a "friend" but the answers to me are not that clear. I can't remain friends with her, when the price to my heart having such an unconditional and true love for her, is too high to watch her date other people.

 

My attitude towards sex isn't exactly an easy one either. It's pretty restrictive and she has a point.. GIGS and any form of commitment is a real deal breaker when it comes to sex.. if you've been with me and you want to date other people I can understand it, but don't break *that* bond?

 

She'll call my bluff, I'm sure of it.. and not come back feeling guilty that she did, and knows that I will disrespect her for doing so and nullify any chance of whatever "reconciliation" there is.

 

I just don't want to be morally hurt by this woman's actions, and I can't stick around to be her friend. I had to go No Contact, which is hard because we are kinda like soul mates, but I don't really understand what my hang ups are about sex and the bonds it creates between two people..

 

I just know that I won't be in any form of 'relationship' where someone that knows my sense of loyalty and honour and dignity as well as she does by now, doesn't realize that no matter how free she is to choose her greener pastures, I can't allow her to disrespect my morality by her sleeping around to test the water and see what's out there. I don't care if it happens once or a dozen times, once is enough.. I won't let her come back.

 

Call it my deal breaker.

 

It sucks, because I had to tell her I can't talk to her any more, and I've left the door kind of open to a possible friendship maybe a bit later.. but

 

The more I go through the no contact phase, the more I realize the only one that's going to get hurt here, is me.. she's free to choose, and I'm free to move on..

 

I don't LIKE GIGS syndrome, because it tends to assert you will always be there in some capacity to fill the role in that they choose to put you, friends or support or structure. The problem with the idea is, I am the only one that gets hurt if they choose to keep me as a friend.

 

Why is being friends with an ex lover such a valuable commodity to a confused female GIGS dumper? As far as I'm concerned, all it is is a security blanket in case the grass isn't greener?

 

It sucks, because it hurts.. It would be nice if she would just "come to her senses" but I suspect, she's going to cross lines I have already clearly stated, are deal breakers to my heart, and to my life.

 

*letting go is kinda like trying to tip over a coke machine.. You can't do it in one push, you have to rock it back and forth a few times* - Jerry Seinfeld.

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I found this in my box and I'm not sure if it's GIGS or something else.

 

Hi Shari,

 

Looking for your input...

 

I lost my dad to cancer when I was very young. I remember that he and my mom fought constantly when I was young. I (hope) turned out fine growing up without a father, though I often wonder what it'd be like if he was here.

 

I seem to have a pattern of not being able to settle down. In the past, I found myself often dating several guys at once. I'm also very indecisive by nature. Reminds me of when I was little, I often couldn't decide which flavour ice cream to get. Now that I'm 23, I'm equally indecisive when it comes to men. I tend to make men very attached. At age 20, I was faced with 2 proposals from then boyfriends. I was too young, and they were not men I saw a future with.

 

My problem seems to be (and I speculate), that I purposely date guys I don't see a future with (stereotypically don't-look-good-on-paper type of guys) just so I can avoid settling down. The problem is, they tend to get attached quickly. Maybe I shouldn't date?

 

Could I be commitment phobic? How do I break out of this pattern and learn to date guys I consider LTR material?

 

Thank you,

candy

 

 

Can anyone else relate to me and this problem? How does one go about describing and resolving this problem? I'm scared of him and I'm scared to take things to the next level. I think Paris Hilton can relate because she seems to go from one relationship to the next herself, but I don't want to let history keep repeating itself. I'm willing to receive a change.

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  • 1 month later...

Ok I read this whole thread and definitely think this deserves a bump.

 

I had never really pinpointed GIGS as my ex's reason for leaving but I think that this is it.

 

OK: so we're both 25, we were together for 2 years. Around 4 months before the break up I became very busy studying for a huge career altering test and I became distant. I didn't call her as much, I became lazy, depressed, and didn't treat her perfect. When we did see each other once or twice a week (with a bahamas vacation sprinkled in) we had great times like always. I did become more critical of her though, but I wasn't abusive towards her. She handled it and never complained. Still I regret this.

 

 

Anyway with me not around as much she got closer with a guy from work who had just been dumped by his fiance earlier this year. So he probably made her feel special, she filled his void, and he probably filled the void that my distance created.

 

Finally in late July she got drunk and kissed him while I was at home studying.

 

I found out and called her out on it, and she asked for a break. I was devestated. She said things haven't been good for a long time ( I never saw any indication, though I can see now that it wasn't the most exhilirating few months). We were still always intimate, having great sex and she never made any of these problems known.

 

We talked daily during the break bc I had no idea about NC at the time or nonchalance or anything. I probably came of as soooo needy and pathetic while she wanted space. Meanwhile she was always texting me to wish me luck on studying and such so we always ended up talking heavy relationship stuff.

 

Finally 3 weeks after the break she broke it off, citing that this guy had nothing to do with it, that they were friends and that there was nothing romantic there now. I tried to mutually agre and say it was for the best, and she confided that she could get over all the pain down the line and would be open to trying again, while at the same time she made it clear that she'd be open just as equally to moving on. She said let's be patient.

 

After 1 or 2 more episodes of being needy she said that I had to realize we were broken up and stop being needy. I said you're right, we should just take time and space - and that's what we've been doing. 18 days NC, then I texted her for her bday bc I didn't want to burn bridges for the future, she responded kindly.

 

That was 3 days ago.

 

I think it's quite clear that we have a GIGS. THis guy treating her like gold since they are friends, me treating her hot and cold since I'm in a 2year relationship with her and comfortable and miserable bc of the studying.

 

Anyway insights into GIGS and my situation? Alternatively, keep posting your GIGS stories (dumpers and dumpees) they are extremely interesting.

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I think this isn't the BEST advice ever because i would say a good amount of people who break up and the one who has the "grass is greener" syndrome actually wants to break up, they just don't want to hurt you. So in some aspects you're right, they will say they love you but are not IN love with you. But i would say roughly 80% of breaks ups the dumper usually will have someone in the wings and about 99% of those dumpers will never tell the dumpee they had them in the wings and will simply try to let the dumpee down as gently as possible. This isn't advice with colors and rainbows but i'm trying to be as realistic as possible. I guess what i'm trying to say is "grass is greener syndrome" isn't as common as many think. Atleast in MY oppinion.

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Hi Griffey,

 

I don't think it's clear this is GIGS. I think the definition of GIGS is when they leave you suddenly even though everything is ok in the relationship, which wasn't the case according to what you've written.

 

I think there was some attraction (well there had to be something) between her and her workmate and that's why they kissed, might've been a stupid drunken mistake as well. She was probably feeling taken for granted and with you being distant and him being there for her it's quite easy to see how the whole thing happened. I'm not saying this is right of course, don't get me wrong, I'm simply trying to explain a few things, most of which you already know.

 

I'd focused on what she said initially, to take a step back, let some time pass and see were you both are later on in life. You both need time to get over what happened and it's good you agreed with her and stopped initiating contact. I'd be a bit worried about her not communicating her needs whilst it was all going a bit sour, that is always a red flag, cause what happened is she turned to someone else for comfort instead of going to you and talking about it. Actually this is a two-way street as it looks like you had problems with communication, getting a bit lost in all the studying, acting distant and pushing her away. It might play a major role if you two decide to get back together, so that is definitely something you both should work on.

 

Regards,

the_dawn

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So I am going through a breakup with someone who had depression and was recovering from bulimia. We have a great relationship with very much love, high compatibility and no conflict.

 

I think She is trying to protect me from herself and not make herself feel pain by distancing me right now. Is this some version of the grass is greener? Does she think that because she will be approaching this on her own and not involving me, her life will be better and mine will too?

 

Kind of a unique spin on it I guess...

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WoW! great post! (i know it's a couple years old)... this pretty much details my situation to a "T". her age, the symptoms, saying that if we're meant to be then we will be together again and that she "can" picture us growing old together, everything... only thing is that i'm not holding out for any hope of getting back together. once i found out she lied to me, her best friend, and others... that was it for me... the new guy was already on the side pre-BU and she quickly introduced him to her friends; and some of mine; a little more than a week after the BU. like another post in this thread i'm pretty sure this new guy my ex- is seeing was in some sort of LTR recently too and something happened... not going to dwell on that, that's their deal to be each others rebound... i'm not looking for a rebound.

 

still dealing, but slowly healing...

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just want to say that this is the exact situation that I am going through now. I cannot believe the similarities. I dated my boyfriend for two years and like yours, it was very secure and safe but not the crazy firework thing. I met another guy and I had crazy feelings for him and fell in love. I left my boyfriend and was with the new guy, but for whatever reason, I just couldnt let go of my boyfriend and act on the feelings. As of right now I am getting more serious my ex boyfriend, but I am doubting my love for him. I just don't now what to do.

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Honestly, that sounded really condescending. Of course it can be a crisis when someone leaves you.

 

Some people commit suicide because of break-ups. Would you consider that a life crisis?

 

 

I agree. Depending on a person's state of mind at the time a tragic event occurs whether it be a breakup, break or a simple falling out, it could lead to a crisis. Because of the tumultuous times we live in - in this world - almost anything can be considered a crisis.

 

It's really discouraging when comments don't appear to be given in a supportive spirit. I thought that's what this site was for.

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We have to feel good about ourselves. A person should not be seeking validation from another person. What happens if that person suddenly or progressively begins to invalidate you slowly over time? It can happen. It does happen. It has happened to many of us on here. Be careful. And no one should ever allow himself/herself to be defined by the actions of another person.

 

I'm not being critical here. Just wanted to point out the flaw in those statements.

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PJPaul,

 

I agree that, not only here, but in general, people do not really seem to know what true love is. True love does not upgrade nor downgrade partners. They stick with that person, through thick and thin and effectively communicate to work through difficulties and problems that may arise. Love is not selfish and it seeks the interests of the other person ahead of its own. It's not a denial of self...but a willing give & take between 2 well-rounded adults who are emotionally healthy...it's compromise. If you've got 2 people who view their commitment to a relationship in this way, you've got a recipe for success.

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I just want to say that this is the exact situation that I am going through now. I cannot believe the similarities. I dated my boyfriend for two years and like yours, it was very secure and safe but not the crazy firework thing. I met another guy and I had crazy feelings for him and fell in love. I left my boyfriend and was with the new guy, but for whatever reason, I just couldn't let go of my boyfriend and act on the feelings. As of right now I am getting more serious my ex boyfriend, but I am doubting my love for him. I just don't now what to do.

 

??? oh geez, not sure which post you're referring too, but if it's mine then... are you my ex-???

 

haha, just kidding... i haven't contact w/ my ex- for a couple months, but i know she was/is confused... it's difficult to keep NC when i know this, but she asked for her space and i'm going to respect that even if she lied to me and was dating someone else immediately post BU... it's a struggle, but i have to stay strong and stay NC for me!

 

in your case you might want to take a step back from your current situation and re-evaluate things. let your current BF know the truth (please don't lie to him, it'll only make things worse for both of you in the end) about how you are feeling, if he truly cares about you, he'll take a step back and let you have her space. love takes time and will not just happen overnight, in a few weeks, or months (true love i believe). weeks or even months is nothing compared to whole grand scheme of things when you consider being "together forever".

 

back to the GIGS...

 

what i've come to realize is that even if it was GIGS (or not), I played a part in it somehow = 1/2 of it... i am not perfect and will never claim to be even close to it. i'm learning much more than i ever could about myself and would never have done so if i were still in the relationship... i'm not expecting her to come back to me, but at the same time whatever happens, happens...

 

in the end i'll be all the better for whatever.

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