"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[phaze]

Tripped- continue not to talk and assume the worst. Stick to what you originally said to her. First and foremost, it will help you move on and has the side effect of making her miss you. Trust me, I was where you are not too long ago. Cut off contact now, no trying to get messages to her, no FB stalking or posting sad status messages, no looking at pictures of her, etc. This advice was hard for me to follow when I was where you are but after going through it, it makes all the sense in the world.

 

I'm sorry you have to experience this. The community is here for you and the people you need to trust now.

[tripped]

I cant do that. I've tried. I love her still and I dont want her out of my life. I'd rather live years with this exact same amount of pain than never hear her voice again. But I refuse to be a chump as well. That's the problem I guess.

[Jantje19]

I think my ex-fiancée is going through the same thing. We've been together for 3 years and she fits the profile. She broke up with me like 2 weeks ago. The first week and a bit were very hard, the usual emotions like crying and getting angry etc. Reading this topic has helped me quite a bit to understand what it going on and start accepting it. I feel that I will be able to get over her, but there is still one problem currently.

 

It was a long distance relationship and I would visit her every few months. She moved to Scotland to work in October and I was there for 5 weeks when she moved. Now the hard part is that I have a ticket booked for in 12 days to go visit her. I have iniated no contact for now and suggested we'd speak again 2-3 days before the flight. I don't know whether it would be good for me to go visit her. It's kind of a dilemma because the flight cost 190 euros and my parents paid for the flight. They planned to be alone for 1.5 weeks and have their own little holidays at our own house.

 

What should I do here? She says she still wants to be (best) friends. I know I don't want to be, especially at first. I do feel that after such a long and good relationship it would feel very wrong to break up online and not see each other ever again. Then there's also the subconscious argument of my parents not enjoying their time as much then. I know the last thing shouldn't matter, but it does a little.

 

Any ideas on what I should do? I know the parents' argument is wrong and you guys will give me advice to not base my decision at all. Any other advice though?

[Lucy1982]

Has anyone had any success in getting someone back who has GIGS? I'm into my third month after him saying he needed "Space to think about things..." I still have no definitive answer and I'm beginning to wonder if you can ever get someone back who suffers from GIGS/commitment phobia... has anyone had any luck reconciling?

[kvb10]

Wouldn't your parents understand the situation? I think it might be easier to stay at home and deal with your parents being disappointed than to go there - it could be really hard. I'd just wait and see how the conversation goes a few days before the flight and then decide.

[Jantje19]

I told my parents about it and they both suggested I'd stay home. They said it would probably not work out well to be there for 1.5 weeks with an ex. It feels pretty good that I told my parents, because it feels more 'real' now. I still have to figure it out for myself if I want to go or not.

[headwreck]

Could you change your ticket and go somewhere else? I'm not sure if you can do that....

[Jantje19]

It's a non-refundable and 'non-changeable' ticket, so no. I'm just gonna have to stay at home and leave the ticket be. I'm pretty convinced it's the right thing.

[kvb10]

Good idea! It's the safest thing for you and the best for your recovery.

[Loxxt]

WOW! Just wanted to thank Mayday for this post.

 

I used it as a base for my story (see post, if u have any advice I'd be more than happy to hear it!).

 

Everything he said hit the nail square on the head. Too bad my ex doesn't realize what he's doing... I know he already has doubts and is sad but he's almost in denial just pushing forward at full speed with this new girl. (Although I have it on good authority that she is pushing him and he's just going along with it - why? I have no idea...)

[butterfly0424]

WOW! Just wanted to thank Mayday for this post.

 

 

 

Everything he said hit the nail square on the head. Too bad my ex doesn't realize what he's doing... I know he already has doubts and is sad but he's almost in denial just pushing forward at full speed with this new girl. (Although I have it on good authority that she is pushing him and he's just going along with it - why? I have no idea...)

 

My ex's girl has him convinced he needs to see a therapist for anger issues. I find it funny because the 3 years we were together, he never showed anger issues.

[Loxxt]

My ex's girl has him convinced he needs to see a therapist for anger issues. I find it funny because the 3 years we were together, he never showed anger issues.

 

 

 

Wow, that is odd. I believe that when people start relationships based off of ones they were just in (as is the case of rebounds/grass is greener) they are not themselves. He may be taking his anger/frustration of what happened/is happening with your relationship out on her. Bringing this kind of baggage into a relationship only dooms it to failure. Or in the best case scenario, won't be an easy relationship to be in. I've been in a VERY brief rebound. It only lasted for a few months. I left one bf (who had A.D.D. so that didn't help) for one who was stable and treated me like a queen. Suffice to say after a while I noticed I didn't really like him, just liked what he represented in what was lacking from my previous relationship.

 

As hard as it may be, I know the only thing we can do is avoid any kind of updates/contact with them. Be it through friends or them trying to contact us directly.

[valo26]

Well, This happened to me, I was really stressed out the last few months of 2010, i was paying attention to her, we were together for 3 years, I was her everything, i was just an idiot, and was only worrying about my work. To make a long story short, I'm 25, great job, very successful, a total packaged, good looking, all the good stuff, she is 21, gorgeous all that good stuff. We were great together, got along great with the family my family loved her, her parentes loved me, but on december 24th I got a little drunk, got into an argument and I broke up with her, i was a total a$$, said that i wasn't happy anymore, broke her heart.

I came back 2 days later, she wouldn't take me back, i begged and all that crazy stuff guys do when we know that we lost that wonderful thing that we had.

I kept pressuring until she told me to leave her alone. Come to find out, she was dating somebody else right after the break up, a week later, that broke my heart, how could she????? I was so confuse about the whole thing, we talked once, after that, she know she can't come back to me, after what she did, never, I'm still healing from it, i think about her all the time, NC since January, so I'm making progress, besides there is a few females that keep my mind busy. Thanks to everybody on Enotalone. You guys are great.

[Lonewulv]

I've finally found the thread that describes my breakup the best.

 

We're young, we've been going out for over a year. We had our issues, but for the most part everything was amazing. Our love for each other was unbreakable. after some unfortunate turn of events in my life, I started to change. I got angry at stupid things, and we argued more. We had a break for two weeks in early december. i thought I lost her, but she came back. That night was one of the best i've ever had...things went pretty good for the next two months, but a little disagreement turned into a big argument and we didn't speak for a week. She came back, and said she would give me one more chance. I told her i wouldn't mess up again, and I didn't. I was starting to get a handle on my anger issues and we didn't argue, but...she changed after the last break. She wouldn't say "I love you", and when I told her that I loved her, she didn't reply the same way. it ended on a great night. We cuddled and laughed, had sex. After the sex, I brought up the fact that she seemed so distant. She looked me in the eyes and nodded. Thats when it all fell apart.

 

She said all the arguing and my anger caused her to fall out of love with me. She cried, and I started to as well. I drove her home. She gave me a long kiss and told me that she loved me....(but you said you didn't??...). i sent her an email the next day. It talked about all the good times we had, and that if we worked hard, we could make our relationship better than it ever was before. later she told me, that when she read it she cried, and she wanted me back...

 

She called me a few days later and said that she just wanted to be alone, and that she needed to "learn to love herself before she could truly love anyone else (BS...)". long story short, she kept giving different reasons for why she left. on top of that, a friend introduced her to a guy and shes taking him to prom. I think after he came in the picture, she was able to handle things a lot better. She became completely cold and indifferent towards me. I opened my heart to her and she didn't even look at me (and she was texting this new guy at the same time...). Numerous times she would say "I hope you find someone someday, so we can be friends". The last time she said that she left the "I hope you find someone someday" part out. Shes been partying and drinking a lot, which isn't like her. She called me at one of these parties for no reason a couple weeks ago. She kept saying she was "bored"...like she wanted someone to "save" her...It didn't turn into much. we spoke on msn a couple days later. She said the call was a complete coincidence....yeah right. The conversation moved to the phone, and got pretty deep. She was mad and brought up stuff about how I was so mad all the time and stuff like that. At the end...I said "I hope that when you think of me, you don't just think of the bad times..." she started to cry and said "I don't". Thats when I said it would be best that we didn't speak. three weeks later, she contacts me through msn. Nothing important really, I think she just wanted to talk. two days later she did it again, this time it was even more pointless. It seemed she just wanted to talk to me. this was about a week ago. Haven't heard from her since. Though, she hasn't been on much. I've been feeling kind of down lately...i think because i've been kind of waiting for her to come back online...

 

I realize that my anger issues, and our arguing had a lot to do with her decision, but I can't see why she couldn't have tried to work it out with me. New guy, partying and drinking, was on and off about her feelings and reasons as to why she left. Clearly its a case of "grass is greener"...

 

I realize my faults and I know I have to fix them. I don't think i would have come to that realization if she didn't leave me. So if everything happens for a reason, thats it. I've made it past the "pedastal" stage, I've left the old RS behind and i've came to realize that I do love her. My pride isn't hurt, im not upset over rejection. My poor attitude greatly contributed to her decision. She even said that it was unhealthy for her. Im not going to let that go. So i've decided, that Im going to fix all my problems and make my self better than I ever was, and, Im going to get her back. I will. Call my crazy or nieve. Its weird. Most people, from what i've read, listen to their gut. And usually, there gut seems to tell them to "move on". For some reason....its not like that for me. Its like my gut it saying "DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU CAN GET HER BACK, AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!". A lot of you probably think im setting myself up for failure, but i believe in my gut, and in the power of belief. Look up the concept of percieving your own reality.

 

All in all i lost my girl. I made lots of mistakes and I have come to terms with them. Im going to fix them, for me, and for her. I will show her who i am again, and get her back by my side where she belongs. I believe, we both deserve that.

[abigheart]

So I haven't gone through all 37 pages but thank you for whoever bumped this! Holy crap...this is my situation down to a T, I even sort of laughed 'cause I felt like he was writing my story like countless others on this thread. Athough I never really acknowledged that it was "GIGS" Now I'm definitely realizing that it is. I guess I needed it seriously defined like this to get it into my head.

 

Sigh. The thought about greater chance of reconciliation made me feel better but I have to stop counting on these things. aah!

[Tangz]

Great post.

 

What do you guys reckon, someone following this 'syndrome' what do you reckon their reaction would be to the dumpee moving on quite quickly/limiting contact/improving themselves? This is in a situation where me and my ex are remaining friends but contact is limited as to not dip too much into the "we are good as friends so we're better off as friends"...

 

OP said the dumper usually realises that the grass isn't greaner on the other side, so that coupled with the dumpee ACTUALLY moving on quickly showing that they are unaffected - what do you think the reaction/how they would feel?

[epson391]

So I haven't gone through all 37 pages but thank you for whoever bumped this! Holy crap...this is my situation down to a T, I even sort of laughed 'cause I felt like he was writing my story like countless others on this thread. Athough I never really acknowledged that it was "GIGS" Now I'm definitely realizing that it is. I guess I needed it seriously defined like this to get it into my head.

 

Sigh. The thought about greater chance of reconciliation made me feel better but I have to stop counting on these things. aah!

 

Im in the same boat with you my friend.

[Tangz]

Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

Not entirely contradicting, I think she has made her mind up. I don't know if there are strong reasons tho.

Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

Yup not too much of a warning before

An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

Yup hangs with her old mate quite a bit now, definitely drinks more and wants to go out more (about 2 months before break up she turned this way)

Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

Yup says she will love me forever, still cares about me, just reckon the spark has gone

Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

She fancy's someone now however I dont think she will pursue anything for a little while yet.

 

And yes she ticks the box of being young, told me she wants to do her own thing, definitely wants to explore more and see what else is out there. We had such a spacial relationship, gave each other soooo much space and always did our own thing anyway so it was weird she said that (she even admitted herself "I want do my own thing and yeah I know i could always do what I wanted when I was with you but want do it on my own"

[Tangz]

This post intrigues me because 6 months before my relationship ended I had thoughts of wanting to be single/expericing other people/"grass is greener" even though my GF was the most perfect person with no negatives and was exactly what I needed/wanted. We also had a great relationship.... I wasn't the dumper now that the relationship over, I am the dumpee and I am hurting now that its over.

 

It is really quite weird that you can be withsome who you love so much, who is so perfect and have such a great relationship but you still have times where you want to let it go... I did have a small feeling for another girl and I often wondered if I could leave my GF for her... in the end all these feelings/thoughts I had were outweighed by having such a great girl and a good relationship but I can definitely see where this guy is coming from and why people DO leave their partners who are so great for them, who they love so much, for this "grass is greener" reason. And now that im dumped and it IS over I can see why dumpers do come back (as I am hurt by the relationship being over it was probable that I if I did leave my GF for grass is greener reasons I would be upset about it in the end).

[Lonewulv]

Man....this is like.. completely identical to my situation...only difference is, she made it clear that she REALLY does not love me anymore (which I think is bs) and she didn't start partying and drinking until a week or so AFTER the break. But everything else: reasons not well thought out, no warning, showing interest in another guy yet doesn't seem like she will pursue anything serious. YET...

 

I believe if I improve myself and become better than I ever was, she'll see me and snap out of it. She'll remember how amazing our relationship was and I know she'll miss me. power of belief.

[Tangz]

If your relationship was special no doubt she will wake up to it. Why did she say she didn't love you anymore?

[freegirl116]

Mayday, your explanation is extremely insightful and when I read it I thought 'wow somebody finally understands what I'm going through!'

 

My ex is going out with somebody incompatible, when we had 'the talk' he couldn't really give me any reasons as to why he'd moved on other than 'it just happened' he moved on rather quickly and think he's already in love. We did attempt the remaining friends part but just ended up sleeping with one another and that did not help matters. So I decided that I'd get the hell out of his life and that's the way its been for the past 2 weeks. I may be working with him soon (we both work for the same company) but I am dreading it! I don't want to be friends because it confuses things, I don't really want him back either... I just want him to realise he made a mistake but I don't think he'll realise that until his new relationship starts to go sour...

 

Anyway, thanks for your thread! It really clarified things for me.

 

Also Daegas, your post was always extremely interesting and I do think in that respect you are right. However, I do think that for anyone who wants to be in a committed relationship that could potentially progress to marriage etc then you have to realise that the 'honeymoon period' isn't going to last forever and if you want your relationship to last you have to work at the relationship to keep it strong. Of course there is going to be a part of you that wants to break it off, find someone new and experience it all again but that can just become an addictive cycle... if you're lucky enough to find love then both partners need to recognize that making it last isn't going to be a walk in the park...

[Lonewulv]

If your relationship was special no doubt she will wake up to it. Why did she say she didn't love you anymore?

 

Yes deffinately.

 

She said she didn't love me anymore because of my anger issues, and our arguing. Now i know you may be thinking "well then thats not GIGS...you were just an ass...". It wasn't like that. We got into an argument a couple weeks before, which ended in us not speaking for a week. She came back, and said she would give me one more chance. I promised I wouldn't slip up again, and I didn't. the next two weeks were great. Not one argument, i was getting a handle on my anger. Things were great. But....she seemed different. She wouldn't say i love you anymore, and whenever I did, she wouldn't reply with the enthusiasm she used to. After one awsome night, after SEX none the less.....i brought it up. She said all the arguing and my anger, caused her to fall out of love with me...After I drove her home, she gave me a long kiss and told me she loved me.......though 20 minutes before she said she didn't....so. Things were going great, yet she ended it anyway. Said she didn't love me, then she still did. later she was introduced to the new guy, and I guess that made hiding her true emotions a lot easier because she had a new guy to vent to. Then the drinking and partying came. Thats the way she goes......GIGS. classic case. Now I won't lie, realizing it really is just GIGS and finding out that its likely just a faze, gave me even more motivation. i will get her back. Some how...I just know i will. i've had my heart broken before, but never before have I felt like this...you know how...when your bf/gf leaves you, you get this.....almost like a whisper. Something keeps telling you in your head to "move on"...."this will pass". You don't want to listen. You try to ignore it, but in the end.....you can't fight it, and you just accept it and eventually move on. For me, with her....its not like that. Its like something in me isn't letting me give up. Its screaming "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!!! YOU WILL GET HER BACK!!!". Well. If it feels like that. Im not going to ignore it. I love her, from the bottom of my heart. I WILL GET HER BACK.

 

Anyone who hasn't, I suggest you look into.....The Secret......

[Tangz]

Sounds like she still loves you, sounds like she fell out a bit after ur anger n stuff like that but you dont just switch off love because of that. My gf kinda did the same I think, I would get angry sometimes (we never had any big fights but sometimes I would say things I shouldn't) and I think that pushed her away a bit.

 

Yup im the same, Im moving on but I still have a voice saying that one day we will be togeather again - which I believe may happen but not for 1-2 years at least. It all depends how I play it out now. As OP said no contact/VLC is the one thing that drives someone with GIGS back to you as they truly miss you that way. You want to avoid slipping into the friend zone also. You just have to find the right balance of moving on and wanting her back to avoid yourself getting hurt and to avoid yourself venting emotions at her (i.e she may do something and you might take it to heart/the wrong way and get angry which is not gonna help your cause). Best idea is that if she gets togeather with someone is to avoid that part alltogeather and not think about it and don't even ask her friends about it or ask "what shes been up to?" in an effort to see if shes been seeing him. basically pretend nothing is even going on. It helps me anyway.

 

Im gonna watch The Secret when I find some time, looks interesting.

[crymeout]

mayday please read my thread in the healing forum......

 

would love to hear some insight from you.....

 

brief description...

 

3 years together

left me end of jan

we was txting LC he was being nice and seemed interested in what id been up to

he then randomly told me he met someone but was upset he found something out

turns out this women was married was cheatin on her husband and got pregnant and she had a termination

i asked him if he was seeing her before he broke with me as it all makes sense now how he changed towards me

he never answerd

i feel hurt

used

taken for granted

i know i do not want this guy back

as he has done the worse possible thing now and i can never be with him again

morals and respect mean alot to me

hes spoilt my love for him, hes killed it

but i am going out my mind trying to make sense of it all

why he would tell me anyways

why he wont tell me the full truth

why he was txtin as friends we was getting on well and them BOOM and now nothing

 

i hate this, please help