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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


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And you as well....but it does get better.


And if it helps in the slightest, my ex came back after two months and wants to work things out.


I personally am not sure how I feel about that after all the things that have happened. But I feel alot better now that the "control" is in my court again.


I will keep my fingers crossed that yours realizes that the Grass isnt greener on the other side. I know the pain and angst you are going through. The self doubt, the "why's". I struggled with this myself and was alone. My ex didnt ever check in with me or my emotions at all.




(((((e-Hug))))) back at ya


I really don't think my ex would come back to me, becuase unfortunetly I think in this scenario for her the grass will actually be greener. It really drums down my already low self esteem and if she did ever come back I don't think I could put myself in that position again.


All I hope for now is a happy future. Here's to a happy future *clink*

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welp...im another victim of GIGS....my story meets 100% of the criteria


im 26, my ex is 22....we were together for 3 years and she ended it just after this past thanksgiving


our relationship... started friendly, than touchy feely, and than she chased me, i made her work for it, and finally fell for her after she asked me to be her boyfriend for the third time. Beautiful, smart, innocent...great qualities....but something about her reminded me of my sister which is why i was a bit reluctant at first. I eventually saw past that and fell in love with her.


She idolized me, she has always chased after me. I wasnt taking her for granted, but i definatly had the slight upper hand in the relationship


I spoiled the crap out of her....and always did extra special things for holidays and anniversaries (more than just a card and gift), that was more or less, my way of showing appreciation, rather than verbally.


My faults... being older, i started to become a moralizer during our relationship... trying to teach her how to get out of debt, learn to solve her own problems, do good in school, work more, etc etc. I know it wasnt the best quality to show but i wanted to be her protection because she never had a father figure in her life.


Last few months... Things were getting a little slower after we got back from a vacation in August, we werent having sex as much, started nit-picking eachother more, basically just more friction than usual...but nothing that couldnt have been worked out because in reality we were so compatible other than obvious differences due to age. It was just a transistional period in our relationship.



Her wake-up call... All of her friends came home from school over thanksgiving break, and she got the chance to go out and party for a few nights. I usually never accompanied her when she went the bars becasue i dont drink, but i trusted her and always let her do her thing eventhough i usually had things to say about it.

But that pre-thanksgiving night, she had "the time of her life" while out drinking...which also happened to be the night she met the GIGS guy.....a past friend from her highschool days.


The almost breakup... two days after her wake up call, she came over to hang out and acted really sad and confused. She started to cry and say "i dont want to do this anymore".

I replied, "what are you talking about? are you saying you want to break up?".

She said "no, i love you, youre my best friend, i cant lose you."


The break-up... the following week, she started to distance herself....she seemed like a totally different person to me.... and pointed out every fault i had...and finally the next weekend broke down crying after i questioned what had gotten into her after that night out with her friends. She told me that woke her up to reality, how much fun she could have, forget about her responsiblities. I tried my best to convince her its only a phase and it will get boring once you realize youll go out and see all the same people doing the same thing. (mistake)

she wanted to find out for herself, and she let me go.... we were both hugging and crying for a few hours.....very emotional for both of us.


I wrote her a letter... a week later agreeing with the breakup....about how we needed the time apart to find ourselves, but also stating how much id miss my best friend and all of the memories


Found out a week after that she had a GIGS guy... So i brought it up just to get closure and she told me this guy was there that night she went out, but i just took it like a man and accepted it.

Evnthough i was upset, i reliezed this guy was my opposite...and the fact is....he couldnt offer 10% of what i offered her...and he drinks, smokes, smokes weed....everything she told me she loved that i didnt do ... so i dusted off and figuring this guys isnt competition....went NC.


Christmas came... I wasnt really lonely until Christmas without her, she sent me an email about how she missed me and asked how i was feeling. I was stupid, broke NC, and i emailed her back saying i was sad without somebody special for christmas. We went out to get food and a broke down....and said something along the lines of "i know we need this, i dont mind that somebody else is kissing or touching you, but i dont want nobody else to hold you". But she told me that she was so happy now with the new guy (honeymoon phase happy)...however she did shed a few tears when i called her by her petname. i love yous exchanged.




.... i heard from a friend reading her facebook that the GIGS guy is giving her the casanova treatment and chasing after her (btw they are in a relationship, according to faceboook eventhough she was denying it to my face, and still has tons of pictures of me still up there)


i didnt ask for this progress report, a friend of mine stupidly blurted it out.


Week later... She called and left a voicemail...to wish me a happy new year and wanted chat. I didnt reply.


Three weeks after that...

I just got this email.....


"Heyy.. today i had my first day back at school.. tomorrow i start going back to the pottery studio.. i miss you a lot.. its so weird not talking to you .. im fine for the most part but if one little thing gets me upset then things start to build up in my head and i cant stop thinking about all of it .. how are you doing? peachy got a hair cut the other day ..and i was thinking about how we always laughed at her because she looked so silly.. my mom and i went to the that resturant last monday! it was really really good!! thank you again.. i hope i hear from you soon!!



I just cant tell if this is her honeymoon starting to wear off and reality catching up...being nostalgic...and honestly missing me...



or her just wanting me to feed her ego...



.... should i just ignore this and stay NC without saying anything, or should i reply and tell her we should go our own ways and not talk anymore.


It still hurts and i miss her , i think i want reconcilation, but ill never know unless it really presents itself.

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It's hard to decipher..........


On one hand it's easier to see somebody like her getting drunk on the fact that she's got the cassanova treatment from her new man and yet she's also pining for some attention from you. Like everyone says around here, if they're not asking to work things out, then chances are it's an attention thing. They want the comfort of knowing you still care, like training wheels on a bike as they get deeper into their new relationship.


Don't get me wrong, there's obviously at least a few doubts in her mind right now. This is the one semblance of hope you have.......but like you're asking, is it better to respond or not .........or even outright tell her she cannot have access to you like that while she's with her new boyfriend.


I think a real shocker to her system would be to ask her if the new man knows she's saying these things to you.

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im still stumped on whether to reply yet....perhaps wait til i get another email


my birthday is in a few weeks and i think shell still call or email me then... its obvious to me that shes still in the attachment stage with me as she never really got a chance to let go....she just buried it. she had her fun in between semesters and her new honeymoon but now its back to school and shes starting to relize im not going to be there to help her with homework and studying as i always did.


it hurts because the last thing i told her was "i love you" and she said it back, im afraid im being too cold by just flat out ignoring her email. but at the same time i feel in charge of the situation, i feel the mixed signals must really be making her wonder.


naturally being the first long term relationship for the both of us...i cant blame her looking for that honeymoon spark... maybe she figured itd be there forever with us and once it wore off after a few years, it was time to find it again.


still confused at this point as to whether i should implement indifferent LC, cold NC, or just tell her we shouldnt talk anymore.

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Many of these posts seem so similar to my situations.


I'm 27, and my ex (though hard to say this) just turned 25 this past Wednesday. All of this stuff came about exactly two weeks ago, so I'm going to throw it all out there for any thoughts.


So, my relationship with my ex started 10 years ago when we were 15, and I was 17. It's a gay relationship, so 10 years is a long time in the gay world. We have lived together for 7 years, and prior to living together, had that angsty teenage relationship of ups and downs. He moved in with me right after he graduated high school. We have definitely grown up together, and we've had to find our way together a lot. I feel that our relationship had the normal good moments and bad moments of any relationships. Our arguments were never huge ones, and they usually didn't last long.


Three years ago, after we had moved to NYC, my partner admitted to me that he had feelings for a guy he worked with. For about two months, the two of us struggled together through this. He sat on the fence whether to leave or stay, and eventually, he decided to stay in the relationship. Nothing happened with the other guy-- no contact, etc. It was something that my partner said he regretted deeply and felt that it caused a lot of pain; however, he was happy and secure in his relationship with me. We moved on. It was easy to considering that he never left and never did anything with the other guy-- just had feelings. (The other guy also admitted his feelings to my partner).


So, that brings us to two weekends ago. My partner and I spent the Friday evening together, going to eat, laughing, talking about the day, making jokes, etc. Throughout the week, he had mentioned that he had some plans on Saturday with a guy who he is currently working with, and I thought it was a little odd that I wasn't invited, etc. We argued about it a little, and it was eventually dropped. The two of us continued our Friday evening, going out with a friend later that night, etc. like nothing had happened. The Saturday came, and he carried forward his plans though it made me very upset. When he got home on late Saturday afternoon, he was ready for us to do something, but I was pissed about everything, so we began talking and discussing things. He admitted to me that yes, he had feelings for this guy, and he thought the guy might have feelings for him. Nothing had happened between them, though. He went on to tell me that he loved me dearly, could spend the next 50 years with me, that I made him happy, etc. but that he also felt very dependent on me, felt that he couldn't always make me happy, and also felt that since we had been in the relationship for so long that he felt like there were some things he might regret later in life if he didn't do them. He also said that he felt like sometimes we were just best friends rather than a relationship. In my opinion, after 10 years, you grow into something like best friends. Doesn't mean the passion is gone. It definitely wasn't for me. We had even been intimate on the Saturday morning, and he's the one who started it. By the end of the evening, both of us had many tears, but he decided that he could push back his feelings and stay in the relationship.


On Sunday, he went to work, and I knew what time he got off, so I parked where he couldn't see me. After he got off, he and the other guy sat in the parking lot and talked for over an hour. No contact between the two of them at all, so that gave me a bit of reassurance that no cheating was happening. When he got home, we had the same conversation again. This time, he was sitting on the fence for awhile but finally decided he needed to end the relationship to see what else was there, that it was the hardest thing he's ever done, that he loves me, that he feels like he's lost something for me, that this new guy provides a spark/connection, that this could be a huge mistake but he's willing to risk it, etc.


His idea was to move into the guest room, so we could continue to financially make it. By Tuesday, I couldn't handle it anymore. We constantly talked about the same stuff over and over while he sent and received texts that made him smile from the other guy.


*Some history about the other guy-- he was also in a relationship for about a year and a few months and had just moved in with his boyfriend on January 1. He broke up with his boyfriend on the Monday-- the day after my partner ended things with me. I have heard a lot of rumors about the other guy and how he sleeps around a lot, has problems with commitments. When I brought these up to my partner, he said he knew about all this and blamed it all on the guy's ex-boyfriend. Some of the stories I heard about were before he even dating the other guy!


On Tuesday evening, we both decided it was best for him to go stay at a friend's house until the following Monday to give us both a way to clear our heads. We agreed on no contact for the entire week. I asked him to please think about everything and not cloud his judgment by seeing the other guy every single day and night (since they already worked together anyhow). When we met up on the following Monday, he admitted that he had only stayed at his friend's house for the first two evenings and had stayed with the other guy the other 4 nights. On the Wednesday after he left, he also admitted that the two of them had "Made out and stuff" because they both revealed their feelings. He said nothing sexual had happened; however, I know this isn't true because you don't sleep over with someone for 4 nights when there are mutual feelings and nothing happens). He went to parties and out to bars and blew through his money during the week. He's still doing that now! He said he feels like he made the right decision, just can't be in a relationship right now, etc. Of course, it broke my heart into a million pieces because I love him and am in love with him. He said he knows how I feel about him, knows that I think we are soulmates, doesn't mean that one day we won't meet up again in the future, wants to share his life with me, wants to be best friends because thats what we have always been, etc.


On Thursday, he took me to the doctor for a procedure, and after it was over, told me he had plans to meet the guys family for dinner. He took this guy to meet his dad the day before, etc. He also told me that he and the guy were talking relationship and both could see it being long-term (even though he previously mentioned he just didn't want to be in a relationship).


So, I am heartbroken. Completely. He wants me to come and see his show that he is performing in this weekend, and I had planned to go yesterday but icy weather cancelled performances. One of my friends suggested that I stop answering his calls and texts because it is the only way he will miss the relationship and the friendship rather than having his cake and eating it too. So yesterday, I tried it. He txted me at 11:15 informing that the show was cancelled, and at 12:30 and 3:10 sent texts to ask if I wanted to try to see the Sunday show. I didn't respond to any of these. He called twice in a row at 6:30pm, and I didn't answer. He also didn't leave a voicemail. At that point, he called one of my friends, and she sent him to voicemail.


I just am beside myself, really. I love him, and I feel deep down that the two of us are soulmates and meant to be together. I do understand his need for space and to have some independence, but he's hopping into another "long-term" relationship in less than two weeks. It's a hard pill to swallow. I really, really would love the chance to reconcile and fix things but am not certain that day will ever come. We have to have some form of contact because he has to help with the rent for a few months, and we share another bill together. What to do? What to do? Is there an end in sight for their relationship, or will he find what he wants there instead of with me?


Any thoughts on the subject? Advice?

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anyone else see an chance of reconciliation with that email, or am i just beating myslef up?


I don't really see it at this point. I have an ex who sends me messages like that all the time and while she still cares for me and we talk about reconciliation more often than not, nothing has manifested (this has gone on for almost a year and a half now).


Either way, I'm not too serious about it anyway so it doesn't have any affect on me. She gets her fix from contacting me and finding that comfort (got her to admit it yesterday) then she can go for days without contacting me again.


I think people are just that way whether they realize it or not. You should just concern yourself with moving on right now and stop thinking about reconciliation.

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would it be a bad idea to send mayday's original post to my ex gf. i was suffering from exactly his type of gigs. and it caused the greatest relationship to end. she also was suffering from it a bit as well. we both were in a rut, and both suffered from the same thing.


dated from 19-24 for me and 17-22 for her. she has since moved away to be with her family, ive been l\c for months, and n\c for about a month now. i just sent her a letter trying to reconsile things. if she knew about gigs think she would maybe understand more? she is also seeing a guy already, started dating him 1 month after we broke up. but its a long distance relationship which is very weird for her, but she said she wanted her freedom. i was very controlling but realize this now. i really wanna try to fix this. she's the love of my life and i let her just walk out of it. ive been feeling like crap for 4 months now, its just getting worse and worse.


i found some songs that describe exactly how i feel, would it be wise to send them to her? or should i just leave it alone? being far away from me now, the chance of getting back together are slim to none i know, but i feel the longer i wait the less chance i have. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Just leave it alone.....if it truly is GIGS, she will realize this on her own accord. You pushing this in her face might only push her further into the arms of her rebound. Almost to the point where she may force the relationship to work so she cant say I told you so.

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Just leave it alone.....if it truly is GIGS, she will realize this on her own accord. You pushing this in her face might only push her further into the arms of her rebound. Almost to the point where she may force the relationship to work so she cant say I told you so.


it's so hard to just leave it alone. she was planning on going back to school in the fall, and already has summer trips planned with this new guy.. it's not looking too good for me.

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Ah! Today was awful. I went to see his show that he was in (that the other guy is in), and it was totally torture. Nothing but torture. I even almost walked right into the other guy! Ah!


Anyhow, he didn't call me today or text me about seeing his show, instead he called another friend that was going. After the show, I did not wait around to see him, and he told my friend that he thought that I didn't even see the show. He also sent me a text that simply said, "Sorry I didn't see you after". To that, I did not respond.


Later this evening, I found out that last night, he called one of our mutual friends who I happen to be a little closer to. He told her that he feels like everyone is mad at him, and that he feels guilty, and that he feels like a monster. He said that he just felt that I was ready to commit to him for a lifetime, but that he is 25 and has things he needs to experience and can't give that to me right now. He told her what a great guy he thinks I am, and he knows how much I love him, etc. He also told her that he and the other guy are "official" and have been for a few days (or whatever). My friend told him that he just needs to do what he needs to do but she told him to not contact me through texts and phone calls because I am struggling with this a lot more than he is. He may be struggling, but he is off having fun, going to parties, going out, etc. She told him that she has also urged me to do the same- no contact unless it is business related (rent, bills, etc.). She said he seemed very confused or torn and didn't seem to know what he really wanted. I am so worried that if I tear off all communication from him that it will have negative consequences. True, right now, I cannot be a friend because it's killing me; however, we have 10 years of history together. I will, at some point, want to be friends if we never reconcile. She also thinks that this is a fling because he is (and the other guy is too!) a little flighty and irresponsible and immature. Both don't seem to know what they want or need and have nothing grounding them.


All this is rambling, truly; however, I just really miss him and love him. I hope that its true what all my friends say-- that he needs to fly for now, and that their relationship will most likely fail. Hopefully, he will miss me enough to want to try to fix things. Ah! Scary-- especially the no contact.


Any advice is welcome!

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JohJoh, I have to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. Ten years is a long time for any relationship (gay or straight alike), and you two do have quite a history. It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong, but you cannot control or coerce the other people's opinions or passions or reactions.


He has made his choice. I know it hurts, but you being hurt about it won't bring him back. He's not going to run into your arms because you're sitting at home crying, lamenting over his departure.


You need to take this time to really evaluate what you want from your own life. Go to the gym, take a yoga class, read or take a class. All I see here is you reacting to him or waiting for something from him. Take the power back in your own life, and lead your life. You may find at the end of it, that you like being single, or, you just don't need him anymore as well.


The best revenge is to live well. To thrive. To be happy. or like my ENA-BFF 'satz says, "Don't get bitter. Get hot."


Hope this helps.

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Do you find with GIGS that they tend to bite at the bit to get into fights. just very small retarded things just send them off the edge?


yes, little things my gf was doing were driving my crazy. someone as simple as not putting her dishes away or picking up some trash she left behind was driving me crazy. everything is so insignificant now. but at the time every little thing kept building up to the point it pushed us apart.

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Thanks for the response.


I do feel like I am in quite a bit of a slump. I feel very lost and confused and empty, and of course, it is an awful feeling. I am keeping as busy as possible, though, and it does help. I'm rehearsing for a musical right now, and on nights that I am off of rehearsal or work, I try to fill it with going out with my friends, etc.


I do think that it is driving everyone a bit crazy because, truly, all I talk about is him. What if this happens, what if that happens, etc. Truthfully, no one knows what will happen. I think people feed me the things that they know I want to hear, but I also am told that I need to start moving on with it all. Tomorrow is two weeks since he left, and I am not sure of when it will all start to get better. It is very difficult for me to do the no contact thing, without texting or calling him, or answering his texts and calls. When you've talked to someone pretty much everyday for 10 years, and you've lived with them for 7 years, how can it just be such an abrupt cutoff for communication. Of course, he has someone he has fallen to immediately (the new "long-term" relationship he is in), and I have my friends; however, it's hard to come home to an empty apartment where all I see is him and all of his stuff. (He only took some of his clothes, his toiletries, a mug, some tea, and some DVDs). I do have a sense of false hope, I think, in which I want his new relationship to fail, and then he will maybe have a chance to think about everything. Right now, I don't know if he's had much alone time because he and the new guy work together and pretty much spend every waking minute of the day together. It is definitely a huge adjustment for me, and I promise, I am trying to trudge forward; however, it is definitely the slowest pace I've ever moved through anything...

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Ah, we had to talk today about the rent situation. We texted for a bit about it, and then I eventually called him to talk to him about it. He thinks I should try to get a roommate for the remainder of the lease--until September--and I'm not all against it, but if we break the lease, he has to pay every penny of that!


So, the big news is... I asked him his plans for where he's planning to go because he can only stay at his friend's house until March. I suggested that he and the new guy get a place together, and his response was, "actually it has been discussed. I mean, not in details, just some what-ifs, but we've talked about it just a little bit". Wow! It took me by surprise but made me laugh a little. He's only known the guy since about September, but didn't even start hanging out with him until the beginning of January... leaves a 10 year relationship, starts a new "long-term" one in less than a week... and is already planning to move in together! Can this even work or last? It's just so crazy-fast! It blows my mind!

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So funny. I have been going through this myself a bit, off and on. My GF is amazing to me. Such a wonder to be around for the most part. I do love her, but I also am worried because I don't feel MADLY INSANELY, INLOVE WITH HER.


That being said, I know she is special, and very dear to me, but I also, at times, find myself wondering if I'd be happier single. Or with someone else. But then it changes back to me being happy again.


So I have no idea what is up. Maybe im just scared of commitment or something.

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Ahhh... So I am trying to get better about having little or no contact with him... It kills me though because, of course, I want to talk to him and see him... Yesterday, he only texted about his mail. Well, today at about 5, he texted me to ask me if I had rehearsal for my show tonite. I didn't respond because I was actually scared that he wanted to come get more of his stuff from the apartment, and I was dreading that. I continued with my plans of meeting my friend for dinner, and while we were eating, he called me three times... every ten minutes. I didn't answer. Finally, at 6:30 or so, I texted, "What did you need?" His response was "Oh, I was just gonna call and see how you are and thats about it really." I waited thirty more minutes and sent a text back to say, "I'm good." Ten minutes later, he sent a text asking, "How's your show coming along?", and once again, I waited for about thirty minutes and responded, "Fine". I was looking through Facebook at some of our mutual friends' pages, and I saw that his new boyfriend had plans tonight with one of their friends, so that's why he was texting me... this first time in two weeks that he's had a free moment away from the new boy, and he's texting me... I mean, seriously?! What's he trying to do? I don't feel that he has any intentions of fixing things with me right now, but why does he text and call so much?! AURHGH!

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Ah, I am still getting calls and texts from my ex just saying hey, or how are you doing, or the weather is nasty, is work busy, etc. I don't think he is doing anything but trying to keep me in his life as a friend. I am thinking he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is still with the new guy 24-7... working together, hanging out together after work, always together, urgh. (We are all in a small social group of theatre people, so I get reports from everyone all the time!)


Tonight, though, I found out that he and the new guy are planning to move accross the country together in a few months. By May or so. To me, this whole thing is so impulsive and crazy-fast, and it makes my head spin. I cannot figure out what to think of it all. How can there be so many quick changes? Leaving a 10-year relationship and starting a new one two days later, planning to move in together within a month, planning to move to a completely different geographic area in a few months. How to deal with this? It completely makes my heart drop because, duh, I do hope that he'll realize that the grass isn't greener. Each day for me is truly less emotional, but my feelings aren't changing. I love him and miss him more and more each day...

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I think "TGIG" syndrome is exactly what my ex is going through at the moment.


My ex girlfriend and I had been going out for nearly three years. I am 20, she is 19.


She broke up with me last Friday. Her reasons? There were differing ones. Nothing exact. She said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Lately her lifestyle had changed and she had been going out to clubs and places a lot more with her friends. Everything that Mayday put in his first post, basically.


Obviously this sucks. I still love her and want her back, but first I did all the wrong things. I was being needy and harassing her when I should have backed off and given her space, but I didn't know the rules at the time.


Then I started to read the advice on the internet. The no contact rule seems like number 1 with every break up, so I followed that over the weekend. The problem is we still see each other at work so I thought I'd just be nice and smile and say, "Hi" and look confident.


Today when I saw her I was nice and we spoke when we bumped into each other about how our days had been, etc. Nothing about the break up.


The problem I have with this is, what if I fall into the "friend zone"? What if she just thinks I'm taking this break up really well and that she thinks we're both better off without each other?


It's so crazy, all I want to do is ask her how she's feeling about us and if she has been thinking about me, but to her face I'm acting really normal.


Can this strategy backfire?


I also have concerns that she is seeing someone else, and I'm totally in the dark about what to do there.


Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

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Everything in the first post describes my situation perfectly. I would say the only thing is that we were only together for 6 months. However, things were very serious, and up until about 3 days before it happened, she was planning things for us to do months, if not years, into the future.


When we first broke up, she would text me constantly. One of her reasons for the break up was another guy, so I didnt want to hear it. She would contact me daily saying she was sorry, but needed time to think, and I would tell her to not even bother talking to me unless she could tell me she wanted me back 100%. About a week after our breakup, I realized that this wasnt the bet approach, so I called and said that I was willing to talk to her and take time. She said she didnt know if we should talk for a few weeks, but that after she had time to clear her head then we could think about getting back together. We have barely talked for a week and a half, but she has been talking to that other guy. I dont feel like this is fair. Should I continue not to talk, or should I call her and make things finally over if she wants to be with this other guy?

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