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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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What if your girlfriend breaks up with you and is crying hysterically while doing it? And then tells you "you know I can't say no to you but I have not been true to myself lately". And then touches the back of your neck and leans in to give you a kiss on the cheek while saying goodbye. Is this a sign of a person suffering from the grass is greener syndrome?

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Stevemc............that is very typical of someone with a borderline pathology. The person is emotionally liable and clearly has object consistency problems. I would recommend you read the book "I hate you, don't leave me". Your girlfriend (ex) is clearly trying to exert some control over you, its very likely its unconscious and shes not aware of it. Behavior of this type usually follows a period of closeness where perhaps you have gotten to close or she fears you may be wanting to leave her.

 

What better way to leave a relationship and damage someone psychologically than to send mixed signals like shes doing. This is to keep you close but not too close and to stop you from moving on too quickly as she wants to have her cake and eat it!

 

My advice.........give her, her cake and let her choke on it and never look back.

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Mr A.

 

My gf left me exactly how you explained. down to the T. Bringing up things that happened yrs ago. Justifing every move she made all to "convince" herself that she was doing the right thing. Granted we dated for over 5 yrs. But never saw this coming.

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Hi Dumped........I was with mine for 7 1/2 years and kicked to the kerb for someone she barely knew (co-worker). I had a mental breakdown, took 3 months off work, went on AD's went into therapy.

 

She left me at Christmas last year. Placed our joint home on the property market within 3 weeks without telling me. Laughed to her friends about leaving me, re-wrote her facebook and bebo page to exclude me like i never existed, refused to communicate with me, slept with my replacement the night she left me, never once showed any remorse or guilt. In fact continues to hurt me financially as she wont sell our home now that I want it sold. I have not seen or spoke to her since 05th January last year...........

 

I have recently entered into another relationship and can see that its totally different. I was being abused emotionally and wasn't aware of it. I have since learned a lot from therapists and friends in the psych industry that shes borderline, has all 9 symptoms (rare to have all 9).

 

I could probably tell you a lot about your ex from the way she left........Any of these come close????

 

  • Suffers from depression, mild and dysphoric and passes within a day or two.
  • Probably loved stuffed toys or put on a child like cute voice when she wanted something.
  • Was always pessimistic and had a black and white view on things and people.
  • Nothing you ever did was enough, your relationship was like Groundhog Day.
  • She always talked negatively about friends behind their backs.
  • Everything stressed her out, jobs and study etc...
  • Did not get on well with family members.
  • Never took responsibility for any arguments you may have had.
  • Projected her flaws onto you, made you feel that your the one with problems.
  • Reinforced the view that she would never leave you and that your the "best"
  • Pitted her friends or family against you, possibly telling you that "such person doesn't like you" for no valid reason.

 

I could go on......................

 

On loosing my ex.............I found myself!

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mr_abandoned,

 

You mentioned how your ex-gf slept with his co-worker. Well same with me, five years together, 2 years living together, found a co-worker 8 years older who is in a relationship with his gf for 6 years. I got dumped and the day she dumped me the guy texted her and right after leaving me she ran to the guy. The co-worker told her that he is unhappy in his relationship and promised that he is going to leave his gf of 6 years for my ex so that they can be together.

 

They had been talking on the phone for hours and night (4-6 hours) and going on dates together for two weeks. As soon as I found out, I confronted her. She dumped ME telling me she had been unhappy for a year. I took all of the blame like an idiot and admitted faults I shouldn't have and let her run away guilt free.

 

Anyway, my ex acted the same. No guilt, no remorse, made me a patsy and blamed everything on me. Said I have a bad "attitude" and that I didn't love her anymore. She has no sense of wrong doing. She hid the new guy from her friends and family so that it didn't look like she cheated. She made out with him two days later and was in bed with him a week later.

 

I never once pointed a finger. I regret this. I want to tell her that she cheated and she left me for someone she thinks is better. Its been two months since the breakup and she is HIGH off of the honeymoon phase. Do you think I should send her an email and tell her the wrong she did? We haven't been in contact since the breakup.

 

Is it common that people who leave for grass is greener hide the new person from their family and friends as to avoid accusations of cheating? She justifies her action by saying she had been unhappy with me for a year.

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There is probably a link between emotional immaturity and craziness!

 

I have been on the GIGS side of a relationship. I was the dumper in a long term relationship with my ex a few years ago. After I came to my senses and asked her back, she had moved on with another guy and I was completely devastated. It was like a nervous breakdown for me. I had never been so depressed and frantic. She never took me back because I betrayed her trust and simply was not interested in me anymore. It was a life changing event for me and has forever changed the way I approach relationships. I had to first become very depressed and overcome a strong addiction before I was to have some semblance of what love or a healthy relationship might be.

 

After recovering from addiction, I have dated for the past year. Its something that I never really learned to do properly when I was young because I just found myself in one monogamous relationship after another. However, I started trying to enjoy the simple things in life and asking important questions about what is real love, future, and family, etc. and my standard of women naturally increased.

 

I randomly get contacted on facebook by a woman who lived in my old hometown 12 hours away. I had never met her, but I remembered seeing her face in highschool. Anyways, she randomly started talking to me on facebook because I seemed interesting. I enjoyed our conversations and decided it might be worth meeting her in person. We meet and we had really great chemistry both mentally and physically. I come back to my town 12 hours away and we keep talking and decide to meet again. By this time we are starting to develop feelings for each other. Things move fast and we end up seeing each other a few times. I meet her son and her family and spend thanksgiving with them. Things seem to be going really great. We seemed to be in love and both want the same things out of our relationship and future. I come down to her area to spend christmas with her and her family and the night before she tells me that she thinks we moved too fast, she doesnt know what to do with her life, its too soon since her last relationship, she doesnt feel the same way about me as she did before, etc. I was taken off guard because we seemed to be having a perfect time together and she seemed to be really into me the day before telling me that she loved me, etc.

 

I was super hurt and shocked. We were staying in a hotel room that night and I told her that I wanted to take her home, that I was not comfortable staying the room with her for the night. (I was all crying and stuff) So I took her home and she was feeling all guilty for ruining my christmas or whatever and I told her "As hard is this is for me to say to you- Please dont ever contact me again, Im very hurt". And I left.

 

I have been very upset over the last few days and I wonder if I closed the door with her by telling her that. I know she was stressed with holidays, her son, his father, her mother complaining that she was acting irresponsibly with her kid by leaving the kid with her all the time (even though I suggested we take him with us, but the kid never wanted to go)

 

Im just worried that I didnt handle the situation right or was not sensitive to her needs by telling her not to contact me again. I miss her a lot and am confused why she would act so drastically.

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I have been on the GIGS side of a relationship. I was the dumper in a long term relationship with my ex a few years ago. After I came to my senses and asked her back, she had moved on with another guy and I was completely devastated. It was like a nervous breakdown for me. I had never been so depressed and frantic. She never took me back because I betrayed her trust and simply was not interested in me anymore. It was a life changing event for me and has forever changed the way I approach relationships. I had to first become very depressed and overcome a strong addiction before I was to have some semblance of what love or a healthy relationship might be.

 

I would love to hear more about this side Hanuman. what did you feel when you broke up with her - what reasons did you give? and what made you decide you made a mistake? after how long?

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  • 2 weeks later...

This was a great post. This happened to me a little over a year ago. My ex and I dated for 10 years. We were engaged. About 6 months before the breakup she started saying she wanted to go to couple's counseling. I agreed, and it came out with the stress of getting married that year. She said she was confused as the spark was no longer there. We both decided to hold off on the wedding till we were better. We stopped going to the counseling due to cost, and her belief of ineffectiveness. The month before we broke up she started going out with her friends drinking. In the ten years we were together she may have only drank about a dozen times at most and always said she hated going out. We broke up, and I find out that she was 'emotionally cheating and it wasn't right to me.' A week later the new guy was already moved into her house before I had moved my stuff out. A few months later that relationship failed as the guy was an alcoholic, lost his job, went back to his ex, etc. She started talking to me again. I talked about getting back together. She said she still loved me and we have something special, and that she could see us together again. However, she said she couldn't give me an answer right now. I said I expected that as an answer, that I still loved her, she was my best friend, but I couldn't keep that up. I haven't talked to her now in about 9 months.

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I agree with a lot of what is written here. At the end of the day, people are completely different in personality and we will all deal with relationships in different ways. And there are people who leave a partner because they believe the grass will be greener.

I definetly agree with Mr Abandoned.

 

However, does anyone agree that it can happen in shorter relationships and it is not always a woman doing the dumping?

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This post makes so much sense. I am trying to deal with a breakup myself and I feel like its a GIGS, f only people settled, compromised with even an ounce of what they already have. We've broken up before but I found it hard to let go and kept going back to him with no change to our status.

 

I was never really successful at the NC rule either, but I've made up my mind to start now. He is perfect in every single way and even if thinks we would not work out, I still love him and I know he's a good person. I am willing to let go, it is breaking my heart and I feel like I will never feel the same about another person again, but I have to do this for our sakes.

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However, does anyone agree that it can happen in shorter relationships and it is not always a woman doing the dumping?

 

Without a doubt to both. I have a good friend who recently pulled a GIG on his GF of 8 years. He's never done it before, but that still doesn't excuse it in my mind. When he dumped his GF he came over and asked me to tell him how I felt about it and for me to be as honest as possible. I told him what I think of the GIG BS and he thanked me for my honesty. It didn't change anything, but he said I have given him some insight into how his ex must feel.

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I have the deepest appreciation for anyone on this thread who has had their heart broken. When I was on the receiving end of a break-up from someone I loved more than anything, I found it impossibly hard to be happy for a really long time.

 

But this thread is really scaring me. Seriously, there is a degree of damage and bitterness here that I feel goes beyond what's healthy. I mean look at statements like this:

 

I have ZERO respect, compassion, understanding or empathy for these type of people. They are one step above rapists, murders and child molesters in my book. They use people like sexual sociopaths and are serial monogamists. They are weak, immature and selfish beyond forgiveness.

 

These types of people being people who break up with people. Well I have broken up with a number of people who wanted a hell of a lot more from me than what I could possibly give them at that time, and none of those times was easy, or fun, or anything other than painful and frightening for me.

 

Nobody should be labelled a sexual sociopath and barely better than a child molester or a murderer, because they failed to fall in eternal, unwavering love with the first person who fell in love with them.

 

As for Mr_Abandoned's post, again, no. Pathologising something as simple and common as no longer having feelings for someone doesn't do anyone any good. It just leads to more false victimisation, resentment and the impossibility of forming real and happy relationships because people are so bitter and burnt out from their previous ones.

 

 

 

 

These "people" for want of a better word are immature borderline scum. People are not disposable items, they are flesh and blood and have emotions and feelings. These "people" that have GIG's wreak havoc and destroy peoples lives, all because they cannot deal with the reality of being in a mature relationship.

 

Or they can, and you're just not the one for them. It sounds like such a terrifying thought, but it's anything but. Maybe they loved you as much as they possibly could, for as long as they could. And maybe it wasn't enough. Hardly what I would consider "scum".

 

And that goes for my ex who broke my heart into a million tiny sharp pieces. It's ok, people are allowed to broke my heart. It doesn't make them scum. It happens.

 

 

The psychopathology of the person with GIG is quite stark and there is massive overlap and co-morbidity with cluster-B personality disorders (GIG is a pure search for narcissistic supply). The person who has GIG is emotionally liable and their emotions shift quite dramatically at the turn of a switch.

 

Let's all please take a breath and remember that GIGS is just a popular expression, not some sort of violent psychotic personality disorder. Being dumped by someone with BPD does not mean dumping is a BPD feature.

 

Its worth mentioning that this is NOT a breakup as its total ABANDONMENT. A breakup suggests that the dumpee has some say in the events, being left for GIG is total abandonment and a devastatingly cruel way to treat someone you supposedly loved!

 

Once again, I appreciate the feeling behind this, because it hurts so much. But I fail to see what the "good" alternative is here. Staying in the relationship? But they don't want to. They want something else. Do they need to marry you and die married to you, even if they don't love you, in order to do the "right thing"?

 

Because screw that. I'd rather take three more doses of the pain I went through last year after being dumped than having someone stay with me when they don't want to.

 

Leaving one partner for another is crazy.

 

Clearly, "crazy" is an open, contested concept. That's your definition of crazy --mine is... well, never mind.

 

Mentally unhealthy people don't fall out of love.............they fall out of reality !

 

I have fallen out of love. I have broken hearts. But so has everyone else. That's just the nature of love. You don't get to pin it down with laws, expectations, and certainly not with deterring phsychological jargon like this post was attempting to do.

 

Things in love are what they are. The more pointlessly bitter you get about them, instead of learning from them.... the more bitter you're going to be. That's pretty much it.

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I think thats why my ex gf left me

 

    I love you, but not in love with you

  • I dont feel like this is the end for us, but i cant ask you to wait for me

  • I just want to be single for a while

  • couldn't really give me a proper reason why she felt this way
  • she was always telling me how I was her ideal guy, marriage kids etc
  • fours days after a really nice time together, her buying me an expensive painting, she phones me up and ends it
  • we were together 6 years

 

3 months later and she is in a new relationship! So much for wanting to be single for a while lol it probably wont last, but will i hear from her again? who knows?

 

We never fought, whenever we were together we always had a great time, it came as a shock to me anyway.

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But this thread is really scaring me. Seriously, there is a degree of damage and bitterness here that I feel goes beyond what's healthy. I mean look at statements like this

 

If unfiltered and unedited for your feelings responses to actions you find yourself doing scare you then maybe you should stop the actions that elicit this response?

 

These types of people being people who break up with people. Well I have broken up with a number of people who wanted a hell of a lot more from me than what I could possibly give them at that time, and none of those times was easy, or fun, or anything other than painful and frightening for me.

 

Nobody should be labelled a sexual sociopath and barely better than a child molester or a murderer, because they failed to fall in eternal, unwavering love with the first person who fell in love with them.

 

You seem to be describing an adult, mature breakup. Not a repeated behavior in relationships that causes the greatest pain you can inflict on someone without physically hurting them or one of their loved ones without a care or pause to consider the damage done on the way out the door.

 

Also, notice that I said in the first line in my post that my thoughts and feelings on this subject wouldn't go over well with everyone. I know that some people are capable of leaving a relationship that has run it's course without using another human as a stopgap measure so they don't have to be alone. I know I've left relationships and didn't have someone waiting to run to. And that's what mature, emotionally stable adults do.

 

I'm not asking for undying love, I'm asking for the same common courtesy most people would give a complete stranger in regards to their feelings when it comes to someone they supposedly "care about". If that's too much to ask of a person, then that person needs to avoid relationships like a rabid pit bull and just play the field. There is no excuse for leaving a trail of broken people behind you simply to feed your over inflated, yet eggshell fragile ego.

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    I love you, but not in love with you

  • I dont feel like this is the end for us, but i cant ask you to wait for me

  • I just want to be single for a while

  • couldn't really give me a proper reason why she felt this way
  • she was always telling me how I was her ideal guy, marriage kids etc
  • fours days after a really nice time together, her buying me an expensive painting, she phones me up and ends it
  • we were together 6 years

 

Painfully typical of this type of person. They give you nothing so they can keep you hanging around for Plan B in case their new "love" doesn't work out. Only after they've convinced themselves that they're going to make it with the new person, or you inform them that there's no chance they can ever come back do they tell you the truth in as much detail as you can handle and more. It's a way for them to dump all the guilt they've been carrying around and move on while you get to spend god knows how long trying to piece together what little peace of mind you had before they opened the floodgates.

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Painfully typical of this type of person. They give you nothing so they can keep you hanging around for Plan B in case their new "love" doesn't work out. Only after they've convinced themselves that they're going to make it with the new person, or you inform them that there's no chance they can ever come back do they tell you the truth in as much detail as you can handle and more. It's a way for them to dump all the guilt they've been carrying around and move on while you get to spend god knows how long trying to piece together what little peace of mind you had before they opened the floodgates.

 

As soon as she told me she was going to start seeing someone, i wished her and her family well in life, and i disappeared of the radar.

 

she said she's not sure what will happen with the new guy, but she'll see, and she wants to try move on. Hardly seems like theres too much hope for her new guy, if she's not even over me yet! Why start a new relationship under those circumstances? Doesn't make any sense to me, I must admit I have lost a bit of respect for her now.

 

Oh yeah, when she did end things with me, she was also saying that she really had to keep convincing herself that this was the right thing to do. This GIGS makes a lot of sense to me now.

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This seems to be how my relationship ended. She couldn't give me a definate answer as to why she lost feelings for me until 2 weeks after. Then all of her reasons didn't feel right, they just felt like common situations in relationships not reasons to break up.

 

She had fallen for someone else within the last month of our relationship at the same time the she lost feelings for me and just days after we split she started seeing him.

 

Becuase of the situation I have also lost my home, my pets and will most likely lose my job. When I first spoke to her and asked her how she was feeling she said 'less stessed' and has barely shown any emotion at all. All she seems to want to do is get me out the house and out of her life. She doesn't even ask how I am, which hurts like hell becuase I have hit rock bottom and the one person I thought cared about me couldn't give a * * * * .

 

The week before we broke up and before I mentioned my insecure feelings about this other guy she said she loved me twice and held me in bed for the first time in a long long time. She talked about things we should do and things we should buy - right up to the point where we broke up. She even said that she needed time to decide what she wanted and wanted us to just carry on as normal. The day after she said we may break up I went to a family meal for her birthday and she prestended everything was normal and mentioned nothing about the situation.

 

In the end I got so torn inside that I had to sit her down as ask - are we working on our relationship or not? and when she finally said 'no, I want to break up' my entire life seemed to just fall apart infront me and there was not a thing I could do to stop it. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body.

 

Since the break up I have had to be signed off work (which I feel guilty about) and I have no clue what to do with my life. I am devasted. Completely lost and on the edge.

 

Worse thing is that I did everything for her. I looked after her and cared for her from the bottom of my heart. She chewed me up and spat me out when the flavour had gone.

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And you as well....but it does get better.

 

And if it helps in the slightest, my ex came back after two months and wants to work things out.

 

I personally am not sure how I feel about that after all the things that have happened. But I feel alot better now that the "control" is in my court again.

 

I will keep my fingers crossed that yours realizes that the Grass isnt greener on the other side. I know the pain and angst you are going through. The self doubt, the "why's". I struggled with this myself and was alone. My ex didnt ever check in with me or my emotions at all.

 

(((((e-Hug))))))

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