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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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Now that I have read this thread, I am confused again because my gf showed all the features described in the gigs definition except that of new relationship... weird stuff...

Lighthouse i think i must have read a thousand diffrent threads, and come up with so many explanations in my head, as you say the gigs does run true apart from the other relationship. It could be they think it is easier to work through it on there own, or not work through it as the case maybe. And that there is no way they can deal with a relationship and us at the same time. My ex was saying she is sick of fighting for relationships, but we never once fought, she never got anything of me apart from love. I used to get txts off her in middle of day saying thank you for understanding me. I let her off with so much because i knew how her head had been messsed up in past. Maybe to much at times. But she cant look back at me with anything but to say that i was good to her. So atleast through all the pain i can have no regrets of how i treated her.

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From what I'm getting and again, is that GIGS folks will never be satisfied. So no matter how good you are/were to them, they only see the next horizon. I dunno. The new relationship can also be a new lifestyle, or some change to them. I don't think it has to be another person at all. Though my guess would be 9 times outta 10 it's a new 'exciting' person. Boo.

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I got the I love you but am not i love with you. He just said that he doesnt feel that way about me anymore, that he still deeply cares about me, and that I need to find somebody who loves me.

 

Yeah I think that line is such a cop-out. Parsing love like that - I just don't buy it. To me it's shows a certain immaturity emotionally. Or a gutlessness in dealing with their partner. Needless to say I don't like that phrase. lol

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amanda, i got the "i love you like a bestfriend or a sister only. the spark has died."

 

i think its BS.

 

It is BS. Loving feelings just dont go away. Even after months some of it has to be there. I think that it is an easy way out. Its a harsh thing to say to somebody.

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"The grass is greener syndrome" break up does NOT mainly happen to women between the ages of 20-25, it happens to any sex at any age. Infact, if anything these type of break-ups are particularly common among older women (30-40) being dumped for younger ones. "The grass is greener syndrome" rarely comes out of nowhere yet it's developed as a gradual process of ongoing strugless in an existing relationship. Rarely does anyone leave their SO for someone else under the influence of this state of mind if the relationship is healthy and passionate. The grass is greener syndrome is not as much of an unexplained phenomenon as people might think! It's almost always as a direct result of lack of balance in a relationship. It is why almost always people get dumped for others who take their place who are opposites to them in major ways. It is to balance out what the dumper is emotionally/physically/intellectually mispositioned in. For example, one who is in a relationship with a person who is overly organized, plans everything, has set schedules, meetings, etc. will get out of this relationship and into the arms of a complete andventurer who lives for the moment. Years of living the "scheduled" life has taken a toll on the dumper and he retaliates but replacing his SO with someone opposite to them. Same holds true for other issues and there could be hundreds of other reasons similar to the above mentioned for this. Introduce a good balance into the relationship and this syndrome will no longer be an issue in most cases.

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I just finish reading the whole thing. I love the whole thread since my ex seems to be experiencing the syndrome.

I wish there where a story where the dumper came back months later. I would love to know If they feel like a new person after GIGS. almost like a butterfly transforms after going into a cocoon. or instead they feel like they found themselves back again. Like a bear who goes into hibernation to survive cold winter.

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thanks a lot for his post.

you're right, finding the real reasons are so difficult because there are no real reasons anyway.

i can relate so much because this was what happened to me last july 16 of this year. my boyfriend for 3 years, suddenly changed.. his actions, his words, he started drinking heavily too and usually comes home drunk. i did not notice it until now that you've pointed it out. and it hurts a lot because i can't understand him.. at least i did what should be done, i stayed away and let him sort his life out. im not planning to get back with him if ever he realized what he did, because i can't trust him anymore..

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alot of this sounds exactly like my ex. When we were together for the first two years she was this very innocent homebody type girl. We broke up for this same reason, but didn't live together..she saw someone else (a guy who is nothing like me) and then later we got back together. It has happened again now only we live together and she has given me a whole bunch of reasons...she doesn't wanna settle down yet, etc.

 

The worst thing she said was that she was dissatisfied sexually which was a real blow to my ego. She had told me she was this way in every relationship she was in though (told me this before we had sex). So our sex life consisted of me going down on her (only thing that worked for her) and then she would get me off but get nothing out of it. I don't know if she was just selfish or what but I don't know what else I could ahve done. She acted not interested in full on sex and I still stuck by her because I loved her.

 

Now she has turned gothic, is partying more, and doing God knows what else.

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1. Love you but in love with you line given. Also said she's not sure whether she's making a mistake or not etc.

2. No warning at all. I was overseas for 2 months where I received some of the most touching love letters. Then I land at the airport and she delivers the bombshell.

3. She started a new job six months ago. Started to go to clubs with girls from work and also some sci-fi type conventions.

4. Her new boyfriend is a US-based actor she met at one of these conventions. She's based in the UK, can never be more than a few days away from her family. So yeah, I'd say pretty incompatible. Also, she began this relationship a matter of days after our break up.

 

What do you reckon? Classic case of GIGS I think.

 

Sad thing is, true to the OP, even if she did come back to me now, it could never work. Very sad and the whole thing has really hurt my pride and trust in women.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yep. Me and bf broke up one month ago, out of no where, dated for almost 2 years. we had just come off a great fourth or july weekend and were planning another vacation for next year and he decides that he does not want to be in a relationship anymore. He wants to be single

 

I probed also, and could not get an answer. His answers kept changing, I thought to myself "he is too old for this" (hes 35). I thought he was cheating (emotionally), a million things ran through my head. Our relationship was coming up on that engagnement point and I guess he was not ready.

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I know i am sounding like everyone one else, but it was like this was written for me.

 

1. everything is great, planning holidays then dumps me out of nowhere

2. starts hanging out with people he has not seen in years and starts drinking again

3.hangs out with a girl he normally would not give the time of day to

4. But texts me and says he wants to be friends and he is sorry he hurt me and that he will miss me but cant be with me.

 

Even though things suck right now Mayday you have helped me.

I was getting a little bit sick and tired of thinking about everything i could have done wrong.

 

Thanks for making me feel a little better x

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im going through this type of breakup, but it is made more horrific by the fact that we were long distance, i moved to be with him, we were on the verge of him sponsoring me to stay in the country as my de facto partner. i went on a holiday to my home as a birthday treat to myself. and he sent a letter to my parents house to break up with me. after three and a half years.

he filmed me waving goodbye at the airport. KNOWING he was going to ruin my life. and he cant seem to give me a reason.

how do you move on from this stuff??

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  • 2 months later...

Wow, I cant believe I found this thread. I am not joking but this has helped me massively understand and in some degree come to terms with what I have been going through over the last 4 weeks or so.

 

I have been dating the same girl since we were both 16 and have been together for 5+ years. It has been the best 5 or so years of my life and I genuinely though she was the one I was to spend the rest of my life with, first love etc. Her parents and family loved me and everything I thought was perfect.

 

We recently bought a house and spent some months renovating it, she loved it, buying all sorts of things such as bedding, pictures etc and to everyone else she was the more enthusiastic of the two of us about moving in together. The time to move in was getting closer and closer and then all of a sudden BANG!

 

Over the last 4 weeks or so, something had changed. She wasnt as lovey dovey and touchy feeley as usual. She didnt seem interested in sex and was quite happy to just go to bed and fall asleep (this was not like her). I dont believe she was getting this need from somewhere else, as the usual signs of cheating werent there i.e changing appearance, going out all suddenly to party with friends etc or even shaving down below to some sexy brazilian.

 

We were slowly on the decline and I could sense it. I got a text message a couple of weeks ago, where she said she wasnt happy etc although at this point she did not end it. I went round to her house (parents) twice to have discussions but never got anywhere. She never said I want it to end, just she had mixed feelings and loved me but didnt love me like that. All the usual wishy washy things really. It took a further week before she said she does not see a future with our relationship and that she wanted it to end.

 

I was naturally devasted, it wasnt as if I had any clear answers. That was until I read this thread and I feel as though I totally understand the situation now.

 

We were on the verge of making a large commitment (moving into house) and she seems to have got cold feet and began wondering if this is what she wants for the rest of her life. I think this is a classic case of Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

 

At the moment I dont know whether there is another man involved, I wouldnt have thought so but at the same time I wouldnt have thought this would happened. Going off what I know and feel I think she appears to have got cold feet and typical Grass Is Greener Syndrome in wanting to know if something better is out there for her.

 

I am probably bound to say this, but I doubt there is anyone else out there who will love her the way in which I did. I think she will ultimately found this out whether it be in one, two, three, four, five, six or whatever months down the line.

 

The sad thing is though, I cant wait around for that day. I have to now move on with my life and get back into the game. If the day does come where she admits she made a huge mistake etc then unlike this situation I will be in control of it. If that ever arises, I may have met someone else by then, I may not who knows but I know that from this day forward I need to move on.

 

I have been No Contact now for 8 days, although it will be difficult due to us having to sell the house. However we have third parties who are dealing with that on our behalf which makes it easier.

 

The heart breaking part is I now that what we have is honestly the real deal. We have just finished our house and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her. I can honestly see her at some point in the near future coming back and realising the mistake she made and unfortunately I cant guarntee at that time that I will still want the same things.

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its like you have just read my mind!

 

My problem is that i have the grass is greener syndrom but i have not spoke to my patner of 6 years!

I dont know if i should tell him which will end in a breakup or dont say anything and it will hopefully leave me!

 

Gem

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its like you have just read my mind!

 

My problem is that i have the grass is greener syndrom but i have not spoke to my patner of 6 years!

I dont know if i should tell him which will end in a breakup or dont say anything and it will hopefully leave me!

 

Gem

 

I would personally say tell him. I have read fair bit about this recently and it seems the feeling just doesnt leave you, it can make things worse even potentially to the point where you might cheat on your boyfriend. If that happens, then you will feel much worse as will he when he finds out.

 

If you dont want to say it is grass is greener syndrome, tell him you feel like you need a break. Something along the lines of time apart for a couple of months to find yourself and figure out what you want from this life. If you do this and break the relationship, please know you are running a big risk in this guy never wanting anything to do with you.

 

I guess it depends how much you believe in the relationship. My ex-girlfriend ended our 6 year relationship with me through the typical phrases as "It's not you, it's me" and "I still love you, but I am not in love with you" and I honestly believe that if it is meant to be, then it will and we'll get back together. However in the mean time I am no contact with her and moving forward with my life and looking forward to what the future holds. It may take her 12 months to realise she made a mistake and by that time I could be happily in a relationship with someone else. Alternatively it could be the best decision she ever makes and she might find Mr Right. You just dont know.

 

I guess what I want to get accross is that whenever you end a relationship, you run a big risk in losing that person forever.

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omg this is exactly what happened to me! He loves me and wants to be with me but thinks we need to work on ourselves first. He's completely lost at the moment and doesnt seem to know what he wants in any aspect of his life and i had been thinking that this is the reason he was freaked out about our relationship. He was feeling trapped in a future but he didn't know what future he wants.

 

Thankyou so much for putting this up. I was having a really rough day today and missing him like crazy and this puts things in perspective again.

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Thanks for you advice, i know he will be in my life if we do end the relationship as we have a 4 year old daughter and he would want to be there for her, so i would like to keep things civil for her sake!

The main reason i have not told him about my feelings is because of her! i really want what is best for her. I know she would take our split very hard as we are a very close family!

i need to figure things out asap as we are due to marry in 2011.

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Thanks for you advice, i know he will be in my life if we do end the relationship as we have a 4 year old daughter and he would want to be there for her, so i would like to keep things civil for her sake!

The main reason i have not told him about my feelings is because of her! i really want what is best for her. I know she would take our split very hard as we are a very close family!

i need to figure things out asap as we are due to marry in 2011.

 

Wow, that is a tough situation. It does sound to me as though you have "Grass is Greener Syndrome".

 

Make sure you do think things through carefully and do not make any rash decisions. I assume you have read through this thread, but if you havent please do. You will see some posts from "dumpers" who suffered similar feelings and now regret ever ending their relationships. I doubt these will help change your feelings though.

 

The only time "dumpers" truly realise and regret what they have done is much further down the line, i.e 6 months or so. By that time your ex-partner could have moved on and met someone else. It is a huge gamble to take and can change your life forever.

 

Is he aware that something is wrong? Have you been giving him the cold shoulder recently, perhaps not being as affectionate as usual both in public and in private? If you have, he probably knows something is wrong.

 

Is there anyone else involved with you? For example, another bloke at work or the gym who you have been talking to much more recently and seems a nice proposition?

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No he has no idea somthing is wrong, we are a very affectionate couple. i try to be as affectionate as i can so he know there is nothing wrong!

 

There is one guy that i have met and we get on quite well, everytime i think about the grass being greener, i see myself with him. but im not sure this other guy feels anything! Its hard to tell! Although im having 'feelings' for him i think it is one sided as he hasnt mentioned anything about that kind of thing! then again he might have these feelings but dosent want to say because im with someone. Oh i just dont know what to think right now!

 

The hardest part is my partner works away for a week every month and i have often thought about getting the guy round while he is away. although i never have.. yet!

 

I have been bottling this up for about a year now so want to say thanks for reading my post and giving me advice! This is the first time i have shared this with anyone!

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