bekker Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Hi.... this is my first post, so here goes: I'm a 23 year old university student, and I live with my boyfriend, who is 31 and is completing his Phd. We have been together for 15 months now, and have been living together almost as long. The situation gets complicated by the fact that he has 2 daughters, aged 6 and 7. The woman he had them with was never his wife, and they were only together for about 3 years. He recently told me that teheir relationship went like this: They met in december, he asked her to marry him in january and she said yes, he asked her for kids in february, they tried once, and she got pregnant. Shortly after child one was born, the relationship got rocky, and thinking that he wanted to make this work, they decided to have another child. she got preganant right away again, and they had the second child. About a year or so after the second child was born, he left her due to her very unreasonable behaviour and personality. First of all, before i go further, I want to say that in no way am I defending my boyfriend on this little story I've just shared. In fact, this story is a huge sore point for me, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, to the point at which when I think about it a lot, I feel the need to vomit. They split up, his life went on for a while, and then he met another woman a few years later, and again asked her to marry him a month after knowing her. He left her before the wedding as well. I met him because he was my professor. Through a few flirty emails after the course was finished, we went on a date and have been together ever since. (In case you haven't noticed, he takes relationships very quickly. However, when I comment about this, he claims that 1) that is only true of his past, not now, and I'm not being fair. and 2) I didn't say no to any of his fast pace actions, so it's just as much me as him. I feel really stressed out about the girls. I have a lot more money than he does, and as a result I find myself supporting the girls a lot. I don't mind this per se, because i love him and i love the girls and I want to help. But I feel unease about it. I can't help but feel sometimes like all I am is the supplier of money and new things. I told him a while back that I feel like an outsider in the family, and his way of making me feel more included was to "let" me take on more responsibilities, like cleaning, and cooking and laundry. I told him a few months later that I was exhausted from all that I was doing (on top of going to school) and he got defensive, saying that First I complain that i feel like an outsider, then I complain that the changes he made weren't good enough. The girls don't listen to me unless they like what I have to say. I am an anglophone, and they are francophones. I have worked extremely hard on my french in order to be able to communicate with them (i am very near fluent now) but they don't take what i have to say seriously, and they just make fun of me for my accent. (I realize that they are only children, but it still makes me want to cry every time.) Also, he told me very early on that he knew he wanted two kids (girls, which he got) from the same mother, and as a result, he had a vasectomy. This means that I will never have my own children. This crushes me. Just writing these last two sentences have resulted in me crying. Then there is the girls' mom. She is manipulative to no end. she is always calling us making demands. also, it was decided during the custody hearings that she would make all government claims for the kids, she would get the money and then she was to split it 50-50 with my boyfriend ( custody is joint, alternating weekly). She has always been very difficult to get the money from, but ever since she found out that I have money in my bank, it has become downright impossible to get anything from her. She lies about costs, and always says that she's lost the receipts. she demands that he pays her 50% of all of her purchases, but refuses to pay us 50% for ours. She threatens to take the girls from school while my boyfriend is at work and keep them even when its our week. On top of that, my boyfriend is very easygoing, and doesn't want to have to fight with her all the time, so he often just gives in. This includes going and picking her up (with MY car) and taking her where she needs to go. I have talked to him about this. I have told him that he chose to not be with her, so why does he act like he still is? I have told him that it makes me feel like an outsider, like I'm the second woman in the house. I have even given in, and told him that fine, if he wants to help her, thats up to him, but I don't want him using my car or my money to do so. He always gets very defensive about this topic, and makes me feel like I'm creating problems. I don't know what I'm looking for. Advice, help, comments, whatever. I think more than anything, I just really needed to gt this off my chest. I love my boyfriend so much. If I didn't, this wouldn't be a problem, I wouldn't be with him anymore. So right now, leaving him is not really an option for me. I am too physically ad emotionally weakened from all of this to start again on my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterina Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 I would have never chosen this for myself. If I was a young, rich girl- I'd go out and have fun...not shackle down with a man who already has two half grown children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Find some inner strength. You only get one shot at this life so make the most of it. if your unhappy, make yourself happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 From the way you frame it, it sounds like he is using you. Where are you getting the money from to support his kids? Your job? It seems like maybe you should take a step back, say you want to date him but need more space. Don't take care of the kids or him financially, and see if he is what you really want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bekker Posted September 12, 2008 Author Share Posted September 12, 2008 From the way you frame it, it sounds like he is using you. Where are you getting the money from to support his kids? Your job? It seems like maybe you should take a step back, say you want to date him but need more space. Don't take care of the kids or him financially, and see if he is what you really want. I make very little money from my job, as I work only part time in a cafe. I have a trust fund set up for me, and since my parents have gotten to know my bf and the girls and seen how they are struggling for cash, they have given me extra in order to help out. The reason I don't feel like he is using me per se, is because he regularily talks about how he doesn't want me to feel like he's just with me for my money, and wabts to make sure that I know that. The problem with that is, it's all good and dandy to say that, but so long as I live with him, there are only so few things I can cut back on. Especially food, which is a major expense, because I want to eat good food, so either I pay for the groceries so we can actually make decent food, or we all eat crap food. I can't very well buy food and label it with my name and say "no one else can touch this" thats what college roomates do when they don't like eachother, not what a family does. I do understand your point though, that stepping back could give me the air I need to figure things out, I just think that given the emotional state I'm in, I'll be so miserable being alone that I'll come back regardless. Find some inner strength. That is something I'm definitely trying to do, but it seems that my strength is very inner, and takes a lot more searching than I realized to find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Ah but it definatley will be there. You'll find it. Just stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karvala Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 The fact that he's openly saying he doesn't want you to feel like he's with you only for the money is a tacit admission that actually, that's exactly what he knows he's doing, and he knows it's so blatant that he has to get in a pre-emptive strike to try and take the heat out of it. And he's right: he is using you, and it is blatant, and you can see it, which is why you raise that possibility here as well. Obviously, I would ideally tell you to leave him/them, since I can't really see this working out to be honest, but if you really do want to stay, then at least insist upon 50% payment for household down the line, he pays for all this children's stuff, and your finances are kept separately. How much he squeals in protest at that will be a measure of how much he loves your money rather than you. It will also help stiffen your resolve to deal with the situation when you witness his ugly reaction to such proposals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuhl282000 Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 A lot of heavy baggage to deal with and thats not even covering your emotions and how you feel .....i could not do it myself ........ I want some peace in my life ...........its way to short for crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Sometimes, love is not enough. The sooner you get out the better. Has he even addressed his children's rudeness to you? Sorry, but he doesn't sound like he's really a grown man. He doesn't seem to discipline his kids, gives in to his ex's unreasonable threats, "includes" you by asking you to be a maid...what are you getting out of this that you could not get from another man with fewer issues? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterina Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 To me, its mind boggling that a woman who seems attractive and young would just willingly give her life away like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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