In a rut

[fern9]

I think this is my third post or so...

 

I feel like my wife and I are in a rut that we can't get out of.

We've tried talking about our issues but it hasn't helped or it has turned ugly.

 

She wants to feel more loved, me I want the same thing...

 

Here are some ways that I would assume this would occur: effective and open communication. We lack this. I think she talks to me like a child. If something goes wrong she will ask rhetorical questions and back me into a corner. I hate arguing with her. Now I just try not to talk to her that much.

 

She feels things would be better if I was more organized, didn't make a mess everywhere I go and didn't create clutter. I'm buying a larger house (which frankly scares the crap out of me because our relationship is pretty rocky and this house will require a good amount of remodel work) I have made an attempt to reduce my clutter mess etc. and have done a good job considering but its not good enough for her.

I really don't think a different house is going to make a difference, but she thinks so. Its almost like she wants a house big enough so that I can have everything in the basement and essentially have signs of me out of the house.

 

Caring touch: She thinks I only touch her when I want sex, which is now at a frequency of almost once per month. I have often made attempts to touch her caringly but she cringes, says I make her claustrophobic. I don't touch her anymore. The other day she asked me if I kiss differently now because she doesn't like kissing me anymore.

 

Spending time together: This really goes back to communication. I have no desire to spend time with her because something will trigger an argument and our time spent together is no fun. We don't enjoy the same activities... example: She wants to go to high school football games because that is what she did with her father before he passed away. I can't even stand to watch pro or college football let alone high school kids.

She feels like we only get together to eat and drink.

Often I'll come home from work and she is frustrated about something and since I don't like the way she vents (which is because it feels like, even though she is talking about something or someone else, that it is directed towards me, which is part of our communication issues) I just steer clear of her for the rest of the evening.

 

We are both really unhappy. She gave me an ultimatum for a marriage date and I often find myself laying in bed at night wishing that I had not given in. The lack of sex also really sucks, I think if we had some sort of sex life I could put up with so much more, funny how that works.

 

Our 1 year anniversary is coming up, it feels like we've been fighting since the discussions about the prenup. She even punched me on the last night of our honeymoon. I know marriage is never what you expect it to be but this is the worst relationship I have ever been in.

I feel like we both need to work on our communication skills. But if she continues to communicate with me the way she does I will not be able to handle it. I need to work on communicating my emotions better to her, be more specific and detailed oriented and apparently work on my memory skills.

But it seems to me that she has more issues below the surface with everything having to be so organized and clean the whole time or maybe I am just really messy and unorganized.

I also wish I could express the way she talks to me sometimes to the reader but I can only say that it makes me feel small, upset and it makes my head hurt.

She also often brings up something along the lines of "well I was raised..." as if comparing our upbringings, she was raised in a rural area and although I lived in that area for a while I had a more suburban upbringing. I've told her I don't like that but she tells me she is just stating the truth and is not comparing our upbringings. Funny though how it is usually mentioned when complaining to me about something I have done or said.

 

Finally how do I find a good counselor? The prettiest ad in the yellowpages? How do I know who is good? I know she'll want one that is christian based, me I'd rather have one with a psychology back ground because I don't think praying about it and bible study is going to help.

 

At this point I think we really resent each other.

[Catdancer]

I used to work for a domestic law attorney and we used one counseling service that was really good. We recommended them for marriage and family counseling as well as mediation. Do you have an attorney who could make some calls for you and get a referral? Also, you could ask your family doctor for a recommendation too.

 

As to your other problems...I think counseling would be a good first step.

[redhearts]

She has personal issues, shes holding a grudge on you because of the prenup. The prenup is sort of a I don't trust you sort of thing, well its not really, but seems that way to some people. She has emotional problems she hasn't let go of. You shouldn't marry unless all issues are resolved. You don't marry with an unhappy relationship.