dillydilly Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I NEED HELP I have a boyfriend. We have been together about 2 years now. When we met we never talked about religion. I explained my religious beliefs and family traditions. He as well participated in all our social family events and holidays. I have not yet been able to meet his parents. A year after we had been dating he disclosed that his father was a Jehovah Witness and that he grew up between religions. His Grandmother was a Christian. He told me that currently he is not in a religion but that one day he will make a discussion and he knows it will be Jehovah Witness. He said that he will not participate in any holidays, festivities, or anything outside of the religion beliefs. He expects his wife to accept and understand his choice and follow his lead. He also wants his children to grow up this way. This leads to my issue. I am a Latino women that has grew up in a catholic environment. My family is very festive and loves to have social family functions such as birthdays, holiday celebration etc.. I want to embrace those family values in my children as well as share that and other wonderful experience with my husband. Family is what makes me complete. Originally I didn’t care what religion he choose just as long as we can both continue to participate in each other’s life openly. His form of compromise is ‘he will be selective on what he will be able to do’. But he does not want his children to celebrate any holidays or birthdays. Which I feel will be an instant segregation in the house whole and with each others family. I must stress currently he is not in a religion. This is what he wants in his future. It’s now crunch time. We have let a year pass without coming into a solid conclusion. It’s pretty much a deal or no deal. Any suggestions??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whiskers Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 If he won't bend and you won't bend (and in fairness neither of you should have to for the right person) then it doesn't look like a marriage will work. Though it isn't ever easy to accept when something is over, it's harder when its over before it's really begun and especially when everything else in the relationship fits into place. Sadly, you want everything he doesn't and vice versa and it's an awfully huge issue to brush under the carpet and hope that something can be worked out. I'm so sorry for your situation but the man that's meant to be yours will embrace all that you want to embrace as you will for him. XXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supa_gurl Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 This to me, does not sound like a compromise at all. If he can not accept that your religion is an important part of your life and your future children's lives, I think it is time to decide on finding another life partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapseinjudgement Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Id have to agree with the others. Part of finding that 'right' person is finding someone that shares similar beliefs with you. Its obviously important in your life and family to live a life with those celebrations (which there is nothing wrong with) and he doesnt share that. So maybe hes not that 'right' guy. sorry to say that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 So, have you not been allowed to meet the parents because they are strong believers (JW)? There's a belief in that religion that it is very important to marry only others within the same religion. In fact, it's possible his family has been shunning him while he has been dating you, or he has been telling them that you are a practicing Witness. His idea may be that eventually, you'd embrace his religion. I'd ask to meet the parents now. If he says no, after all these years, or is unwilling to give you the entire story, I'd walk. All I am saying is that there is a possibility he has been sitting between worlds and claiming nothing up til now because he has feared losing his family if he marries you. It's very odd to me - JW actually has a long history of tension with Catholics. He couldn't have chosen a belief system any more antagonistic to his family. Religion aside, your bf does not seem to be in a place where he knows what it is he wants. He does not sound to be in a place near ready to be considering marriage, IMO. So there is that to consider possibly as well when making your decision. To me, it sounds like you know what it is you want and are ready to do it. He may just not be the right man to be doing it with, at this time and possibly ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Religion is massively important to people, spiritually as well as culturally (as you know from your own family). It concerns me that while he is outside of the religion now and not observing it, he knows that he is going to go into it and have it be a strong part of his life. And expects you to be the one making the most concessions where the children are concerned even though your faith is active and strong within your family already. I wouldn't let myself think that just because he celebrates with your family now, that it won't become a major issue when he does convert, and make the tough choices now rather than end up in an unhappy relationship with your own beliefs and family participation compromised. Treat is as though he is a JW now, rather than on the way to becoming one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Every JW I have known (a few, not many) do not do well when married to partners of other religious beliefs. Their divorce rate is high. However, when they marry other JWs, their marriages are close and strong. There was this old JW couple who lived in my neighborhood, how devoted and close they were! Find someone Catholic and you will have a close relationship where there is much sharing and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 In two years, he hasn't introduced you to his parents. That in itself would be a problem for me. Could you live a life not celebrating Christmas with your children and the rest of your family? What about your children's birthdays, Hallowe'en, Mother's Day, your mom or dad's birthdays etc.? I know that I couldn't. What exactly does he mean when he expects his wife to "follow his lead"? Does he expect you to convert? This is a huge issue and one that isn't going to go away if you stay with him. I think you need to give serious thought to ending the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dillydilly Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Help!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dillydilly Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Here is an update! We had the discussion and didnt not come to compromise. He see it one way and I see it another. I guess people are right when they say two people must be equally yolked for the relationship to blossom and stay strong. I was pretty sad but I agreed. I guess its time to move on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Dilly, I think you're doing the right thing. Religion is a huge issue and it sounds as though family celebrations are very important to you (me too). You'll find someone to love who's a better fit for the life that you want for you and your future children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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