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Christmas in my family means arguments


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The annual argumentative drive towards Christmas has begun early this year. Every year its the same thing, my wife wants to fly accross country to visit her family, and I don't want to.


I argue that its too expensive to do every year. She fires back that we need to move closer so it won't cost so much.


I suggest that we create two savings accounts (in addition to our joint account that pays the bills etc): One for things she wants to do that I don't, and vice versa. That way I don't care about the cost and she can fly as often as she can afford. She fires back that separating money like that scares her.


I mention that if I demanded to see my family every year, there would be no way we could see hers every year. She says that's not a fair reason to keep her from seeing her family every year because I don't even want to see mine every year. She can't see my point that it doesn't matter how I chose to spend my fair 50% of those resources, be it visiting my family every year, or doing something else and visiting family every other year or every 3 years.


I've offered to go every other year, but that's not enough she says - she won't get to see them for 2 years at a time. There is no solution that involves her not seeing them EVERY single year. It would be one thing if it involved flying between major airports, but no... her family lives in BFE nowhere and we have to fly into a dinky regional airport ($$$). So every year I'm forced to burn money and my vacation time - and I've about had it. What's more, I met her in college, and she agreed to move away even after I asked if she was 100% sure - and told her we wouldn't be able to visit every year. ARRRGGG!


I'm sick to death of this fighting and always letting her get her way. The last two flights to visit her family are still sitting on my credit card.


Anyone have any ideas how I can put an end once and for all to this annual fight? I completely hate Christmas now.

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Sounds to me like neither of you is willing to compromise. Why don't you try sitting her down and saying that you want to work together to come to a solution that is financially reasonable and also considers both of your desire to be near your family over the holidays...


My only other advice would be to stop visiting your familes at Christmas and begin with making your OWN home-based traditions. Make it a romantic time for you two to spend with each other.

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Also, perhaps you should re-read what you have written and notice how focused on yourself that post was "my vacation time", "my credit card", "she said she was 100% about moving away"


As I see it, it looks like she was more tied to her roots than you were willing to see when you married, she wanted to marry you so she said either what she felt at the time or what you wanted to hear, and now she is lonesome for home...


just saying...

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I think you two need to find some way of compromising, find a happy medium between going at Christmas every year and going every two years. Did you give up at that point? Try tell her that while you understand she wants to see her family, the expense, frustration and usage of vacation time is frustrating to you. Offer some compromises and try find something that satisfies you both. What is her main reason for going? Does it HAVE to be at Christmas? WHY does having separate accounts for personal spendings scare her so much?


1) You both go to the Christmas every other year, and in the off year she goes on her own either at Christmas time or at another time of the year when things are cheaper.


2) You go there for Christmas one year and invite the family out to see you the other year. Thus, you can have Christmas at home.


3) You skip Christmas but visit her family every year when flights are cheaper and there is less crowding and hassle. Maybe use some less-popular holiday dates so you don`t have to use as much vacation time. Christmas flights usually cost a LOT more than less popular times of the year, and airports are often a lot more busy and hectic as well. Make your own Christmas traditions.

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That's quite a predicament and I understand. When my X and I moved halfway accross the country I realized how much I missed my family, while she was okay visiting hers once a year. We always did Thanksgiving with her mom, and Xmas with my family. Kinda sucked only seeing them for 5-days once a year... I missed out on a lot of family stuff.


BUT... I think she is being a bit unreasonable. A relationship is about compromise so you two just need to sit down and talk about it. Have a few suggestions, but also ask her what she thinks a good compromise is. Good luck...

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