Fighting, what amount is 'normal'

[SenorNieve]

While I am really sure the responses to this can run the gamut from none to everyday, I'm curious about other peoples experiences in long term relationships.

 

*This is about verbal, non physical elevated discourse*

 

My wife and partner of close to 10 years and I fight regularly. Very often about stupid things that gets elevated to bringing up past problems and turning into full on battles, sleeping in other rooms, etc. It can be about anything, important or not. It often revolves around perceived rather than concrete problems, ie (why did you phrase the question in that manner rather than this). It even frequently occurs in the middle of the night when my wife is sleepwalking... I tell her she is sleepwalking, she tells me she is not, gets mad, and it's on.

 

I am putting these descriptions out here not for resolution with them, but more to identify the types of fighting I am discussing, not issues such as money or infidelity, but just standard bickering between long term partners.

 

So, I come from a family with very little yelling, a small, fairly quiet group of people. She comes from a family with lots and lots of brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. All running around, screaming at each other, a lot of yelling from parents to children, etc.

 

I find the constant arguing to be a huge deal, a massive drain on me emotionally. I've also never been with another woman that I have fought with like this. She considers it to be much more normal, says that any long term relationship has a huge amount of arguing and work involved. Thinks the only reason I haven't experienced this before is my relationships never lasted long enough (previous women only lasted max about 1.5 yrs)

 

So, I put this out... What is a normal amount of fighting in a healthy long term relationship?

[doityourself]

Wow, I could have wrote that post myself

 

married 14 years and yes me and my hub bicker all the time at eachother, I think we get bored and then find ourselves egging on eachother, I like it, Im very openmouthed and he bites when I take it to far. I use to worry about the constant argue but its usually about stupid things like why did you do it this way and not my way kinda thing. I Love him, wouldnt have it any other way.

[beaglegirl]

I think it depends on you and your spouse. If you can't handle the arguments then you need to do what you need to do. you make your decision about it. there is no set standard of argument allowed in a relationship. there are those who periodically fight, those than fight calmly and those that bicker about every little thing.

I too grew up in a place where yelling only took place in extreme circumstances. My bf grew up where yelling is part of the daily routine and the main form of communication. We both act accordingly to our backgrounds but we have found a middle ground that keeps us together. I used to crumble at every fight and analyzed the every word.. what did this or that really mean?? -type of stuff. I dont know I just hit a point when I realized that even though it bothered me sometimes I always stayed and that must be for a reason. I know he is just yelling sometimes and I learned to honestly only hear what is really necessary. I realized it was just part of our communication with each other and if it works, then fine.

if you can't deal with it then you need to speak with her when your both calm and explain what you can and can't deal with. you also need to look at whether you are unhappy about the frequency of your arguments or if you are unhappy because of what you argue about. If there are festering issues than that is another problem in itself and the yelling may not be fixing it for you.

[summerpeach]

My ex and I would fight at least once or twice a week.

He also comes from a background of "yellers" and him and his ex wife and his ex g/f have full out battles, Though he denied it.

 

Fighting daily is disgusting, not normal and shows little respect for one another.

It causes such emotional damage.

[PixelPusher]

Sounds exactly like my Xmarriage. With us it got to the point where the arguing was just unhealthy. Any amount of arguing is okay AS LONG as you can resolve it in a healthy way. Name calling, put downs, bringing up old arguments, etc are not healthy ways of conflict.

 

Not sure what to tell you but I don't think it's the amount of arguing, its the KIND of arguing you two are doing. Doesn't sound too healthy. Maybe see a counselor?