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A relation of almost 5 years...need some advice


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Hi everyone. I saw some threads on this site and was happy to see such intelligent responses. Anyway, here is my scenario.


We met on emode back in April, 2003 and talked to each other. She was already done with freshman year and I was about to finish high school. Anyway, I felt like she wasnt my type so after a week I ended it. A month later, I ran into her at a dance club my friend took me to and I ran into her. We danced for a bit and then she went back to her date. I started talking to her after that and we began the relationship.


She was very into me and at first I was not. I was unsure what college would bring, and this made me not as needy as she was. We ended up breaking it in August on my terms. A month later, I realized that I was unfair to her and brought her yellow roses to show I was sorry. Several weeks later, we started talking on AIM again and she was with this guy. It was a long distance relationship and he was an idiot basically. She would complain to me in our phone discussions about him and at one point, I called him and and threatened him to start respecting her. Soon after that, her and I went back together. October 22 2003 was the day and that was what we considered our anniversary.


Once again, she jumped right into the relationship and I wanted to take things a bit slower. We would see each other on the weekends since we went to different colleges. Several months later, we started having sex and for the both of us, was our first serious relationship. However, I was clueless what it involved, because I was inexperienced.


A year later in Fall 2004/Spring 05 we had fought more often and had fights/breaks and at one point, broke up a close friends relationship based on something I suggested to her in confidence. I was hurt that she told my friends gf something I wasnt even sure of, and I lost a friend. Also, even now, my friend Dave refuses to be around her, when I asked him if he could just get over it. We are close friends so it would frustrate me b/c I dont have many friends overall. This is because I am tight with all my friends. That following summer, towards the end, I broke it off with her again. I felt I needed to realize things on my own and see if I did better in school.


So from the end of summer to December, we were not together, but we had talk here and there. She came up every so often and we had sex. I didnt intend on it, but it just happened that way. Anyway, there was a turning point for me when I met a girl who my friend joe liked (theyre now engaged). She is a gorgeous girl who was nice, a rare combo, lol. She actually liked me and we ended up hanging out in my apartment one night and she put the moves on me. We kissed a bit but I was so drunk I passed out. She wasnt drunk as she only had a few shots. The next day, I did not want to pursue her because I realized that I loved my ex. From that day, I wanted to be committed and when December came, she asked me and I said yes. I never told her about that point I had, because I didnt want to hurt her. I played it off as if I didnt meet anyone.


Now my fourth year in school comes and I realize I have a fifth year of school left, because of the way my college ran certain courses. My ex was now finished with school and working full time. I became involved in my school work and developed a fierce pride in my math work. There were times when tests were on the horizon and she would want to spend time with me. I would say I cannot because of test/quiz and she would try to persuade me. I would get mad and say things like your major is a lot easier than mine and your 3.9 gpa was much more attainable. In essense, I belittled her major. In December, I helped her get a new job in AIG as an old school friend was my contact for it.


Now the summer comes and I have an internship for AIG at the same location.

I was busy that summer since I had wanted to take the first Actuary exam, the 1/P. It is a difficult test and we didnt see each other until the weekends. Once in a while she would stay over and we would spend time together during the week. I ended up not passing anyway and we took a trip to Pennsylvania for a few days. It was a great trip.


So now here comes my fifth and last year of college. I had 15 credits of junior and senior level math classes (5 classes) and was very distressed. I was constantly negative and upset. We would still see each other on the weekends but I was very busy with school and some classes were very time consuming. I ended up doing ok and finished a rather difficult semester. The last semester comes and with only 12 credits, 2 being math, I had free time for once. I would call her more and pick up the phone more when she called. However, in February, I was stressed out by one class because of the teacher being hard to work with. I was coming from my mothers house and Amanda kept calling me and being mad from an argument with mom, I picked up the phone and started yelling to not call me while im driving and what the hell does she want. I also said why do I bother with this relationship. Normally I hate picking up my cell while driving, but with those two factors I was angry and said something hurtful. The next day, she took off work and came to see me later in the day. She was so upset and I said I was sorry and didnt mean what I said.


After that, everything started working out better until I was ready to graduate. That same professor who was tough to work with failed me, and I had to take an independent summer study to finish before next Fall. In July, I had a lot on my mind with job searching and completing the course, plus working part-time. I wanted to see Dark Knight on opening night with my friend Dave, the same friend I couldnt persuade to let go of old crap. My ex wanted to see this with me too, but I wanted to see it with Dave, and I wasnt paying twice, since my income was low. I also didnt like it when my ex paid for me as I wanted to provide. On Aug 1, I had become mad at my ex b/c she was not sexually into me when I tried. I went to a friends place in NYC on the 2nd and on August 3rd, my ex dumped me.


Her reasons for it were that I was negative and when I was nasty to her, it belittled her and broke her heart. We did have our fights and bickered a bit, but it seemed like she took everything to heart. Over time, she felt like she was not in love with me anymore. Hence the I love you but not IN love with you. She said that she wouldnt care if I met a girl in the city and left her. I was devastated, and she was expecting me to curse her out and leave in anger. I have never in my life been so depressed as I was expecting to marry her. The first week I was beside myself as I could not believe what had happened. I couldnt do the NC or LC for no more than a few days after the first week because I was in such sad state. I started to work on my problems as I had nothing else to concentrate on besides what my ex was doing. My ex asked for space and I wasnt ready to do that yet.


In exactly a week, she met a guy at a house party and gave him her number. They started talking and hanging out and she told him that she just got out of a serious relationship. I found out the following weekend when I called her because she was saying things like sorta and kinda. I asked if they did stuff and she said "not yet", then followed by a "I dont know." The weeks move on and I still was not ready to do NC or LC as I txt/email/call every 3-4 days. Labor Day weekend I had an emotional episode and she turned off her cell. The next day, I tried calling her again and she kept hanging up and texted me that she was done, I hadnt giver her space, it was over, she was over me and to move on. I will get over her over time the txt also said. I was very angry and I finally got her on the phone and we argued and I said that it wasnt over because my feelings wont die. I'll find out that we both said this out of anger.


The following friday, September 5th, I called her up at 4pm and for 43 mins we talked. I found out that she and the new guy were fooling around and she said to me they were sorta seeing each other. I was hurt but I also felt like she wasnt thinking about me or realizing that I need a chance to show her I've changed. That night, I check my e-mail and I have an interview at AIG, the same building (Big building btw).


The following monday, I get out of work which was from 12-8:30pm. I go to her house and we talk. We talked about everything. We both exchanged tears. It turns out, they are actually going out and have had sex twice already. She claims that he has been really good to her. She wasnt cheating on me, she really did meet him on Aug 10th. She said that she has spent a couple weekends completely with him. She also claims that she thinks about me a lot in her personal alone time, and brings me in conversation a lot to the new guy. She said that she asks her friends and family if she did the right thing. To show her I have changed, I sang to her because I knew how much it meant to her. I never sang/sing. I also said that I forgive her because if I were better to her this would not happened. (she said that she would feel guilty)


After our 2.5 hour talk, I realized that this is a rebound relationship. She knows that this relationship was rushed, but as she puts it, it feels right. Also, for some reason, I have this new found strength to do NC or LC. We had agreed on friday that the 25th we would talk. But I dont want to be the one to call, as it makes me look like I'm waiting around for her. Also, I told her that I plan to start working at AIG soon, and I dont have other options as my current job is a door to door sales rep for verizon fios (it sucks).


This is a very long story and if you read this, thanks a lot, lol. What are your tips/thoughts?

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My opinion...give her the space she wants and focus on your life. She doesnt sound like she's ready to get back into a relationship with you and if you push, you will continue to push her away. Just back off and give her space and time. If this is a rebound, it wont last long anyway...most true rebounds dont.


And dont call her on the 25th. If she wants to really talk with you, she will call you.

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She is with someone new so it is time for you to back away. Yep, she is definitely in a rebound relationship and being very unfair to the new guy. She should be thinking of this supposed new love during her alone time, not you. However, her emotions and dealing with a breakup by immediately banging someone else and fancying herself in love is not your problem. Your problem is to really reflect on how you behaved towards her during the relationship...how you dealt inappropriately with stress (by lashing out at her)...how you weren't honest with her about your extracurricular activities during the break you had etc. Change doesn't happen overnight and getting back together with her right now would be a big mistake anyway. Both of you need months to cool down and reflect. You can do this now..she is not ready yet...she will only be ready to reflect on things when she finally realizes that embarking on a rebound relationship was a big mistake. So back off and focus on your life and improving yourself. If she is still with rebound man on the 25th then I would suggest that you do not have a talk with her. That is incredibly unfair to the new guy...if she wants to betray him that is her problem, but you shouldn't get mixed up in that. Talking with exs should only happen when BOTH are NOT in relationships with others.

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Obviously at this point its not possible right now as she ran into another relationship with another guy. But it's agreed that she is calling me on the 25th. Currently, she said that talking comes first before hanging out again. When I told her that when we do talk I want to reconcile. She basically said she doesnt know about it yet anytime soon, which I know is because of the new guy's presense.


What do you suggest to do when she calls? I dont want to hear about the new guy and I will tell her that if she brings him up. I will want to talk about her, about me, and what has been new in our lives. Thanks

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