Commitment and security for an insecure person

[theWalla]

I am in ways an insecure person. I've always been critical of myself and those around me. I have a lot going for me, and I know my criticisms are usually not grounded in reality. But nevertheless, I often feel things are wrong even when they could not be more right.

 

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman. It is a very loving relationship. There is a lot of trust built up between us. I would say its a highly functional and healthy relationship.

 

But I admit, sometimes I feel insecure about it. Even though we have committed to each other (verbally) for life, I still cannot shake that tomorrow it all could end. I could say something, she could say something... This has me looking at everything that is said very critically. It has me worried constantly. It makes me feel like I need this constant reassurance from her that everything is OK, that she loves me and she is attracted to me, even though she gives no indication that anything is wrong. We both know this is a problem. I try my best to ignore it, but it just build in my head until I start complaining to her about things she may not even be doing wrong. I fear it is hurting our relationship.

 

This is my obsessive personality trying to undermine the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

In the past, I felt that marriage was the solution to this. It would pretty much be that security blanket so to speak. Make me think that the commitment was unquestionable and that the relationship could not just suddenly end like before. But I know now that is the worst reason to get married.

 

My question is, how do I gain this security? How do I feel this commitment? If it is my personality that is undermining my ability to feel these things, how do I address that? Will being in the relationship for a longer period of time make me feel more commitment in security? The relationship has only been for 15 months, and is my longest to date, so I am really in new relationship territory.

 

Thanks!

[AJ Auteur]

Since this is new territory i don't think its so far out there to feel insecure. Experience/maturity will cure most of your insecurities in time.

 

I'd think to gain security in the relationship you'd have to be secure in yourself. You have to have an idea of a strong secure you in your mind and work at becoming that person.

[bentandbroken]

That's pretty tough being that it's something that sounds somewhat uncontrollable. I would say being in the relationship longer would help supress those feelings, and make you feel better but at the same time it's been over a year.

I would really look at your situation, the last thing you want is her to be driven away ... right? My boyfriend was insecure a lot, and we were in a relationship for four years!! It ended up driving me away, but we're back together now ... he still acts insecure from time to time, I kind of think it's something that's going to be with him for awhile he just knows how to control it now.

That could be what's going on in your situation, just control it as much as possible cause' it could lead into something not so good. If the case is really bad, maybe try getting some professional help? That would seem pretty extreme, but if this is a major problem in your life that could affect your life for a long, long time ... then I would say it was best to get some professional help.

If it's minor then I would say just really know what your getting yourself into, and cut her some slack as much as possible. Also maybe put yourself in her shoes, think of what it would feel like if she did what you were doing to her; to you.

 

Good luck with everything =)