same old break up stuff, seeking advice/help

[pendar]

Hi,

 

Well same as everyone else here I'm experiencing a terrible break up. It's funny how you don't even know such forums exist when everything is fine, but when things go wrong..... anyway thank god that these things exist.

 

My story is long, I'll try to make it as short as possible. I met this girl more than 3 years ago. She was (and still is) a classmate in University. When we met, it was the fist relationship for both of us. I was really afraid of making a serious commitment so from the beginning I told her that I'm not looking for a long term relationship and this will probably end after our school finishes. I realize that this was a HUGE mistake I made, and it's mostly why I'm feeling so bad.

 

Anyway, despite this, things SEEMED to be going very well, and we fell very much in love (at least I did, and I THINK she did too, there was no evidence that I'd think otherwise).

 

From time to time she'd ask me where we're going with the relationship and I'd tell her let's just live in the moment and don't think too much about the future. The most recent time she asked me was 2 months ago and I managed to convince her to maintain the relationship for at least til school ends and then we can see where things go.

 

But all this time I did EVERYTHING for her and loved her to death, bought her gifts, felt responsible for her school work, and I did everything for her (there was some things that she wishes I'd done more, such as her demands that I fully show my affection for her in public, which was something I thought was a bit "high-schoolish" and I thought we were past that phase).

 

Anyway, all this time, she was also EXTREMELY loving and sweet. Then it happened, one day she was asking me what I want for Valentine's day. The next day she comes in calss and she tells me i've been up thinking all night and this relationship is going nowhere and I want to end it. You can imagine what a blow that was.

 

Needless to say, since then I've been feeling like SHIT and I realized how much I love her (especially the past two months I fell SOO much more in love with her). I've tried everything to win her back, I've had many talks with her, and couldn't stop crying. I've told her that I know I made a mistake and that I no longer want to end this relationship after school ends.

 

She tells me that she has had that thought in her mind for such a long time and that she kept thinking to herself taht this is going to end and that there's no point. She says she's not IN LOVE with me anymore (altho she says she still loves me!! I don't get the difference). I'm telling her Ive changed but she says so have I and I don't want to continue this, even if you tell me we're not gonna end it.

 

Anyway, I just can't believe that she's not in love with me cuz I've always thought and truly believed that she was. She keeps saying she's really sorry for breaking my heart and that that's the only thing which is bothering her.

 

We still have to see each other in class every day till the end of the semester, so it's really hard.

 

It's been an emmotional roller coaster, I don't know how to act when I'm with her. Sometimes I'm super nice to her, some times I cry as soon as I see her, sometimes I'm mad at her. But she's like a stone now and just keeps saying we gotta move on.

 

Oh and I should probably mention this cuz I think it's important. She didn't want to have sex and didn't felt comfortable with it, so all these 3 years, I respected her decision and we never had sex (even tho we practically did everything except having actual sex). So is it fair for her to be having such high expectations from me when she denied me sex for three years?

 

I dont know I'm just confused. Thanks for reading this.

[SwingFox]

Hi pendar,

 

Thank you for posting your question on eNotalone.com. I have read your posting and I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I understand that things must be very very hard for you at the moment.

 

First of all, I would like to explain you that feelings of falling 'in love' and falling 'out of love' again don't happen overnight. She stayed up all night, because that night it really hit her. I think she has had that emotion for quite some time already.

 

You ended your posting with the words: "I am just confused". That implies that you're looking for answers. Please know that you might not like a few of my answers or you (or others) do not agree to it, but I will share my thoughts with you:

 

I believe your girlfriend has been in a very difficult situation with you. You kept saying to her over the period of time that you are not looking for something long term. You already said yourself this might have been a mistake. I believe that she tried to stick with you anyways, hoping that you would come around over the period of time. Unfortunately, even after two months before all this happened you still told her that you were not looking for something on the long term.

 

Besides that she asked you to be more affectionate in public. She was asking you to show to the world how much you love her and allow her to do the same to you. I would like to give you a new point of view over this subject. I don't think that showing affection is a bit "high-schoolish". Want to hear proof? Well, you're reading text from this guy right now. I am going to 31 and I LOVE being affectionate. Both in public AND being intimate in private.

 

I think the combination of all this has hit her hard and I believe exactly that is the reason why she wanted to break away. She has tried so hard to talk to you, too, unfortunately in her perspective without getting anywhere.

 

You also addressed a point that was very important to you. The fact that she didn't want to make love to you. I understand how you feel about that and how much that must have bothered you. However there is a group on people on Earth that choose to make love first time, after they got married. In fact, there is cultures on Earth that swear by that!

 

Now what?

I am sure you're thinking by now: "How is this all going to help me?". First of all, I hope I gave you new insight in this situation. If you really consider to see what you can do to get back together, it will need a lot of talking and patience from your side this time. I have reasons to believe that you telling her now that you DO want to continue your relation with her after school ends, is confusing her a lot and she might even have a very hard time believing that.

 

I hope I was of help for you and I wish you good luck with all that you do.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[pendar]

thanks for your post SwingFox.

 

Many other people I've talked to also say the same things. And I guess that's what's killing me now, knowing that I was largely at fault for this, and that I can't win her back no matter what I do.

 

The worst things are being reminded of her EVERYwhere that I look at and remembering all the good memories that we had and knowing they won't be happening again. That's just shattering. Heck, she's bought me half the clothes I have, how am I supposed to not be reminded of her?

 

The second hard thing is imagining her with another guy. Altho she still hasn't been going out with anyone else [i can imagine the HORROR of other guys here who've seen their exes with another guy after they break up] and frankly I don't know how I can cope with that when it happens to me.

 

Also what's bothering me is that she seems to be ok with all this, I mean just a day before she told me to break up she was showing me sooo much affection, but now she keeps telling me to find a new girl and move on and seems to be having no feelings for me.

[pendar]

and you gotta understand I did EVERYTHING for this girl.

 

Her parents live out of town so she's alone here. So me and my family trated her as one of our own, she was invited to EVERY party, she spent SO many nights here and I took such good care of her.

 

She's also a year older than me and that was always an issue for her. I guess that was an important factor in her decision.

[pendar]

Oh my god, ok here's my advice to everyone:

 

NEVER EVER watch Requiem For a Dream alone, on valentines day, a week after your girlfriend has broken up with you.

 

 

God, I was beginning to feel a bit better today, but now, after watching this damn movie, (censored) man, it's the most damn disturbing movie I'd ever seen.

 

damn

[bornagainhard]

Listen good to me pal and hear me now. ............................You are too young to be with your future wife. I will tell you some things to think about. I am 35 now and just broke up with the best woman I have dated in my life. I will not go into the issues of why we broke up right now, but we were together over 4 years and it was the happiest any woman as ever made me.(I have had many serious relationships previously) and dated a lot of hot women with nice racks.

 

The reason I am posting this is I remember ten years ago I met a girl I thought I fell in love with and things of course fell apart after 14 months. Well I can not begin to tell you how badly I wanted to fix things and change and all that other crap a desperate guy will do because he thinks it's the best way to get her back......it is not. This is going to be difficult for you but please save this and remember it later. We all change and I guarantee in 5-8 years you will not be the same person you are today. The things you want now will not be the same in the future.

 

That girl I mentioned above of 14 months began dating and married her next boyfriend if you can believe that and I heard through the grapevine that she already has at least one kid by this guy. What I am saying is do not talk to your ex and completely ignore her when you see her in class.

 

NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF A WOMAN WHEN THERE IS A BREAKUP. THEY WILL LOSE ANY RESPECT THEY EVER HAD FOR YOU AND CONSIDER YOU WEAK.

 

Hang out with good guy friends you have had for years and share war storeies, you will feel better about things and yourself by doing so. Never be sad only be mad at your ex until you find somebody new.

 

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS THINK ABOUT HER OR MAKE UP EXCUSES TO TALK WITH HER OR LET HER THINK YOU EVER HAVE ANY FUTURE INTEREST IN BEING WITH HER(EVEN IF YOU DO). THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER HAVE A SHOT WITH ANY WOMAN LONG TERM IS TO WEAR THE PANTS FOREVER, EVEN AFTER YEARS OF COURTSHIP. EVERY TIME I HAVE STRAYED FROM THIS MENTALITY I HAVE GOTTEN BURNED. EVEN WHEN I THOUGHT "SHE WAS THE ONE."

 

Hey Pendar, it is so much better to know now instead of getting married to the wrong girl, settling down and having kids, and getting a divorce. I have never been married but my last relationship was the closet I ever came. Now I am back to hanging out with my buddies that I neglected while I was spoken for. Pendar think of this.....what if you ended up marrying this girl by some twist of fate, having a kid, then getting a divorce. She sues you for child support, gets a new boyfriend and then you have to pay for the party on your own dime while some new guy enjoys the life you gave her, while you are stuck in some dump because you can not afford anything anymore because you have alimony.

 

Years from now you may miss her but you are still young enough to date and find a good girl that won't jerk you around. I blew my last relationship by working too hard and trying to make things perfect for my girl. I was too tired to do anything with her and keep her mentally off balanced and in my palm. Woman love a guy that won't take their crap and women will constantly challenge your authority if they are interested in you. They want to see if you have a backbone and a good candidate for a family. From now on I will never relinquish the reins in a relationship to any woman and will always be in control. When you can ignore a woman and show her you have no interest she WILL CALL YOU LIKE CRAZY IF SHE THINKS YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS IN YOUR LIFE BESIDES HER. I FEEL TERRIBLE RIGHT NOW THAT I DID NOT ADHERE TO THESE PRINCIPLES THE LAST 6 MONTHS OF MY RELATIONSHIP, IT RUINED IT. NEVER AGAIN WILL I LET A WOMAN HAVE CONTROL, NEVER. GOOD LUCK AND SORRY FOR THE LONG POST-

[pendar]

Dear bornagainhard ,

 

That was absolutely the best advice I'd been given and you have no idea how much it made me feel better and how much I appreciate it.

It's been 2 weeks now and I'm beginning to feel a LOT better. I tried talking to her a few other times (unfortunately I hadn't read your post then!!!!) and she made it quite clear that she's made her mind.

 

I think that I've pretty much accepted that fact now and I'm beginning to move on. I still care for her, specially for her studies, mostly because I enjoy helping others with their studies, so I'm helping her with hers. But I certainly dont have any false hopes now and i'm beginning to think that maybe this was all for the best.

 

thanks a lot again for your advice, it was immensely helpful

 

cheers

 

Pendar

[bornagainhard]

Your welcome Pendar. Just trying to do my good deeds. The women in my life I have loved have not been thoughtful or considerate of my feelings. Just wanted you to know there are still some good people left in the world. Please remember, all women are a little cra