Boyfriend's new (annoying) job

[junebirthday]

Hello all,

 

My bf and I have been dating for a little over 7 months. Everything was going brilliantly until he had to take on a second job to pay off some old debts. At first, I was thrilled to know that he was tackling them on his own (as opposed to getting deeper in debt or running to parents), but now i NEVER SEE HIM. It's almost as if he's left me for another woman (not implying that!). It's horrible. He works one job from 9-5pm and then a second job Mon., Tues. Wed. and Fri. from 10pm-6AM!!!!!

 

I have 2 nights free and we used to sleep over eachother's houses both of those nights. Now...he works both of those night and i am alone. No sleeping over. I have one day off (Sat.) and now, he needs to catch up on sleep on Sat. Don't see him Sat. unless late in the day. If i have any free time during the week, i USED to go to his house to see him, but now, i stay far away for fear his trying to regain lost hours of sleep. And inevitably all this lack of sleep has caused his libido to be non-existent. We have sex maybe once every month or so (down from about 4x a week)

 

Truth is, i feel almost completely abandoned. I say almost because most of his free time is spent with me (and my kids), but even the quality of that time has gone down (he's sleepy or cranky). And now, he's telling me "I have no time for myself!" There's so many people and jobs that have stake in his FREE TIME that i simply do not know how to handle this. Am i not being understanding?

 

The one consolation is he calls all the time, writes me emails from his day job and when we are together, he's very warm and loving as always. There's no other woman. But i feel like i've been dumped. i don't know what right i have (after only dating him for 7 months-- but we have known eachother as friends for 16 yrs) to complain about this extra job. Do i have any right? Should i give up on this man? i'm at my wit's end.

 

Thanks

[duppy_conqueror]

well, ask him about it. how long does he plan on keeping this job? is it possible that he can downsize shifts in the future at all?

[Batya33]

His schedule sounds similar to many doctors, lawyers, investment bankers and full time students who also work almost full time, as well as people who work full time and have full custody of children. It's not that unusual and it sounds like this is temporary. If your preference is to date someone with a 9 to 5 or 6 job that's fine especially since this isn't a marriage where it's "for better or for worse" - you're entitled to have fun!

 

One thing you might want to do - get involved in other activities so you are not waiting around to see him.

 

But, yes, you need to decide what your values and preferences are and what your goals are in this relationship. It doesnt' sound like he's a workaholic or particularly focused on a career - this is purely financial and temporary, so I would take that into account.

[emmie_g]

When he's finished paying his debts off he will most likely quit 1 job. If you love him then i guess you just gotta stick it out till then.

[junebirthday]

He's definitely not a career guy and it is just temporary as he plans to go back to teaching next fall. And believe me, it upsets him just as much as it does me. I guess i'm just not very understanding or patient. And though i do have a ton of activities to keep me busy, i kind of have this *fantasy* that my free nights should be spent with my bf

[d24]

i kind of have this *fantasy* that my free nights should be spent with my bf

 

the problem is in that part of the sentence.

your choice to say SHOULD instead of would.

 

you obviously feel like he SHOULD spend more time with you as opposed to hoping he would, which is in itself negativity which isn't going to help this situation.

 

If you've spoken about it and you know it's temporary, then the two options are still there for you. Stick it out and learn to deal with the fact that he has less spare time for you. Or leave him, and find someone who can give you the attention you feel you SHOULD be receiving.

 

Side note here, there's no such thing as normal, so SHOULD shouldn't come into the equation. It's what you want, not what you deserve. If you want more than he can offer it can never work out in my mind. Just a thought.

[Scorpion Fury]

Uh, just when does he sleep?

[miss_chris]

Are you living together or planning on moving in together? Maybe he wants to pay off his debt AND start saving for a family with you. Ever think about it? Maybe this burden is really a blessing in disguise. There's nothing wrong with a little extra money lol. I hope this is tempoary for you. Not seeing your SO really sucks..