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Story from tonight. Broke my LC rule.


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So I got home from my office tonight and started to get ready for the gym. Something in my head said to call my ex-wife. Not the usual I wonder what she's doing she hasn't called in 4 days thing this was the 'something's wrong' feeling. I ignored it and continued changing as the feeling got stronger and yeah, I caved. On the rare occasion I do call her if she answers it's with a happy sounding "Hey there, what's up?" Tonight it was a sullen "Hey" all I said was "What's the matter?" Nothing she said. "I'm not your husband any longer you don't have to lie to me. Pretend I'm someone else and out with it."

She teaches third grade and had a lousy day, really lousy. I was empathetic because my day sucked too and just listened. She made a comment about quitting and doing something else. I told her to not do that since even though we seem to forget it we always find out that the grass is never greener on the other side, more talking about the divorce than her day at that point, "Ain't that the truth" She said.

I said her she needed a veggie burrito from her favorite place by my house, she'd feel better. "Naw, I'll forage for something here, I don't want to leave." I had changed clothes and was already in the car. You can't spend nearly 2 decades with someone and not know what they are really saying. I knew that tone.

I put the phone on mute for a second ordered and had it made before she knew what was going on then drove to her house. As I'm nearing her street I asked if she was expecting company. No she wasn't, glad I asked that would have sucked. She kept talking and when she paused I asked her if she could do me a huge favor. She said "Sure do you need to go? "No" I say "but could you open your front door?" This all happened in a span of 30 minutes.

She did and I tell her that I didn't need to come in. That I just wanted to drop something off and I handed her the burrito

She invited me in. We talked she teared up a little and was glad she could talk about it with me that she felt much better. After 20 minutes I told her I should go and at the door I looked her in the eyes and told her I was glad she felt better and hoped for a better day tomorrow. She usually kisses me goodbye and gives me a little hug. This time I leaned in and kissed her it was small and short but damn it she let me. The hug was a little longer too.

I have never done anything like this since the divorce in July but tonight I felt like I should. I'm glad I did and don't have that "Damn, that was stupid." feeling. I am going back to speaking to her only when she contacts me but I am wondering if a simple "Hope today is a better day for you." text tomorrow morning would be appropriate. Or do I let this stay in her brain awhile?

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I would send a short text ... but then I'm crap at these things, so - seriously - don't!


Really, think about it. Now is the perfect time to give her space to think about you, especially after what you did last night. I pretty much guarantee that even a sweet text message right now will make her pull back a little, or at least make her realise she needn't try ... but you do need her to try. So sit back and wait, and be your cheerful self when she calls. Because she will.

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Well I didn't check this and sent the following this morning:


7:28 Me: I hope you have a better day today.


7:30 Her: Likewise for you my friend. What time do we leave on Sunday?


A few days ago I told her that I am driving the 250 miles to Orange County on Sunday to go to IKEA and get stuff for my art studio and she asked if she could jump in on the trip.

So Sunday morning we hit the road at 7 am for the 500-mile round trip to Costa Mesa. In town she is reticent about what she wants and what she is thinking so I figured that with just the 2 of us in the car with no distractions she might open up a little bit.

I was a little on the fence about the text, didn't regret sending it but was unsure of the outcome. Her very quick reply leads me to believe that it wasn't a bad idea, but something I am certainly not going to get into the habit of. Because just like you said, I don't want her to pull back.

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Well we took the trip, 600 miles total. We had lunch with my ex-wifes folks and had a damn good time. Her mom put a bug in her ear telling her that the 2 of us need some therapy about all that went on and is going on. To define our roles in life after the divorce and to figure out what this all should look like. Since we don't have kids and everything was divided up there is no reason on earth for us to communicate or see each other again. Since she broke no contact and I've been in LC we do spend time together and spend just about all day on each Sunday together and we both still love each others' company.

On the drive back I told her we needed couples therapy and she agreed to it. I also told her some things from an apology letter I wrote but have yet to give her. It was a pretty somber moment in the car. The letter is an apology, me taking responsibility for my actions that led to the break up. Nothing more, nothing less. I think some things took her by surprise. She sat mostly looking down with a sad look on her face but a few times she looked at me in total shock. I guess I should have that stuff sooner eh?

Not much was resolved on the trip, but a lot was said and I'm glad it's out there and she agreed to therapy so I wouldn't call it total failure.

She just called me and asked if I'd come keep her company in her classroom during open house we had a really good half hour conversation so I think I might give the letter to her tonight. There are some things in there that I think she needs to be able to read to process on her own terms. I'm debating posting it here to see what you all think.

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