approaching women you find really attractive

[Jester75]

question for ENA'ers:

 

How does someone with little self-confidence, who *wants* to be able to approach women, overcome their fears to do so?

Fears are of rejection, looking/feeling dumb, getting shot down etc.

 

example - There was a very cute girl at a store I was walking through (was a womens clothing store, but I used it as a shortcut to get to another part of the mall) who really caught my eye, and I smiled at her and said hi, but realized I had absolutely no idea how to talk to her, or what to do/say. I don't know if I am too old for her or she is way out of my league or anything?! It's like my brain came up with a million reasons why it wouldn't work, even though I was thinking about her days afterwards.

 

This has happened a couple of times. Where I see someone I am very attracted to, and want to talk to them, but don't have the confidence to do so. It makes me kind of mad at myself.

 

Secondly, how do you know if someone is "out of your league"? does that really exist? I know I am not brad pitt or anything, but I am not bad looking. I feel my biggest problem is lack of self-confidence. I find myself attracted to certain types of women (curvy, short, cute, green or blue eyes) and I want to purse that because I have been in relationships where the attraction wasn't there and I don't want to go through that again.

 

sorry if this is rambling.

 

Jester

[Clementine orange]

question for ENA'ers:

 

example - There was a very cute girl at a store I was walking through (was a womens clothing store, but I used it as a shortcut to get to another part of the mall) who really caught my eye, and I smiled at her and said hi, but realized I had absolutely no idea how to talk to her, or what to do/say.

 

This kind of "cold call" is pretty difficult even for guys with lots of confidence. The complete stranger while she's at work pickup is the toughest!

 

Your should practice on girls you know a little better, or with shared backgrounds or surrondings (work, school whatever) or at a mingling place like a party or nightclub etc where you are expected to make chit chat and meet others.

[Clementine orange]

question for ENA'ers:

 

Secondly, how do you know if someone is "out of your league"? does that really exist?

 

 

Don't even think about this "out of the league" business. You'd be surprised...besides its' all subjective anyways. Just go for it and know that most of the time you will probably get rejected and the vast majority of those rejections have nothing to do with you.

It's the successes that make it all worthwhile!!

 

it's hard not to take it personally but it is really important that you don't.

 

Good luck

 

hang around this site long enough and you'll get some more tips!!!

[tom1607307597]

I can understand what you're going through. Approaching girls seems impossible sometimes because I always have this idea that most girls would rather be with someone with an athletic body than someone who is really skinny. Anyway here's something I thought of a while back to help me stop focusing on all the bad things I see myself as. Most things can be fixed through money or through other ways (imagine for sec that you have all the money you ever need, knew the right people, etc.). If you narrow down what really is holding you back and get rid of the things that can be fixed, you're just left with being "scared" so to speak of talking to them. So I guess my advice would be don't focus on your insecurities, like in my case being skinnier than the average guy. Besides there's no way you can read her mind and figure out why she wouldn't talk to you, so don't focus on all the reasons you're brain tells you its a bad idea. Of course it's easier said than done, but it really helps out when you aren't thinking "does my breath smell, maybe I should smile more, etc." in the back of your head while trying to talk to her.

 

A girl out of your league is usually considered to be someone who is more attractive as you and who probably turn you down, but like clementine said it's really not set in stone who is out of your league. Not all attractive girls are like that though.

[Gray Fox]

The odds increase for a girl saying yes for every girl that turns you down. Always keep in mind it's inevitable that a girl will say yes. There is no easy way to build confidence you just to force yaself to chat with girls you don't know then it will become easier.

[akuni]

I give you props for having the guts to say hello to her.

 

You have nothing to lose by talking to someone new. Really, your throwing yourself out there, and if there's no interest it's their loss. That's how I've taught myself to be a bit more carefree around strangers. Go for it, instead of thinking about every reason why it shouldn't work, just think - what else do I have going on? I bet it's a lot less interesting that talking to someone completely new and getting to know them.

 

best of luck

[bostonbruins24]

This kind of "cold call" is pretty difficult even for guys with lots of confidence. The complete stranger while she's at work pickup is the toughest!

 

Your should practice on girls you know a little better, or with shared backgrounds or surrondings (work, school whatever) or at a mingling place like a party or nightclub etc where you are expected to make chit chat and meet others.

Yes,the ''cold call'' is difficult and I don't think the majority of relationships begin in this manner,if you can do it then great but I think you are better off focusing on women in your social circle have cute friends] co-workers.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

One thing that may help a great deal is, every now and then when you see a beautiful girl, smile big and tell her she's beautiful. Being this direct is usually bad for getting dates, but don't do it for a date... just do it for practice with no expectations. Even though she might be taken back a bit by a stranger telling her she's beautiful, she'll think about it later on and feel pretty good about the compliment. Plus you'll have said something nice to someone and made them feel good so you'll feel good. And most importantly, you'll have practiced opening up to new people.

[Dating Coach]

question for ENA'ers:

 

How does someone with little self-confidence, who *wants* to be able to approach women, overcome their fears to do so?

Fears are of rejection, looking/feeling dumb, getting shot down etc.

 

To really maximize your chances of success you need to first build your self confidence and social skills.

 

For me, building my self confidence started when I really hit the gym and became muscular. It made me feel attractive when I had pecs and biceps bulging out from underneath a tight shirt. For you it could be the same or it could be just that you picked up a hobby and became better at it than most.

 

Secondly, I really worked on my social skills. I was always a friendly person but I didn't have much confidence in my ability to flirt with women. I overcame that by practice and by reading/speaking to experts on the matter. The more I learned and the more I practiced the more confortable I became and all of this combined to send the right confident signals to the women I engaged with.

 

This all didn't just happen for the girls I liked at the time. I really went through a lot of failed dates or interests before I started finding success. This means it's not wise to bank all you have on this one woman. Accept that this one may not work out and be prepared to move on to the next.

 

example - There was a very cute girl at a store I was walking through (was a womens clothing store, but I used it as a shortcut to get to another part of the mall) who really caught my eye, and I smiled at her and said hi, but realized I had absolutely no idea how to talk to her, or what to do/say.

 

Doesn't matter. It's a good start. Keep doing it and the more comfortable you become with the first words the easier it will be to converse more.

 

I don't know if I am too old for her or she is way out of my league or anything?! It's like my brain came up with a million reasons why it wouldn't work, even though I was thinking about her days afterwards.

 

Who cares if it doesn't work or if you are too old? If she rejects you then you learned something very important: That you need to move on and no longer waste time with her. The quicker you learn this the less time you waste.

 

This has happened a couple of times. Where I see someone I am very attracted to, and want to talk to them, but don't have the confidence to do so. It makes me kind of mad at myself.

 

Use this as motivation.

 

Secondly, how do you know if someone is "out of your league"? does that really exist?

 

It exists if you think it exists. The moment you decide that someone is out of your league then that's the moment that they probably are. By deciding this, you have decided that her value is greater than your own and that message is almost certainly going to be picked up by her subconsciousness. It will kill her attraction for she will feel that getting with you would be settling for less.

[psychoanalytical]

Man u're setting urself up for failure.

 

Let me see... Some techniques adopted from behavioural psychotherapy may be applicable... For example,

 

1. Systemic desensitisation: Grudually increase ur exposure to subjectively attractive girls. Increase ur exposure from 30sec to 1min to 5min etc etc over 6 months. Then u'll get over them and realise they're just normal people.

2. Flooding: Go up and talk to as many attractive girls as u can. U'll arrive at the same conclusion but much faster.

3. Deep breathing exercises, muscle relaxation training - take deep breaths when u see an attractive girl - it'll calm u down (lol honestly it works).

 

Gotta remember though, girls who are really attractive most often either have other guys too shy to talk to them (and make a fool of themselves in front of them - which is actually embarrasing for both parties), or have guys coming on to them way too strong (again, embarrasing). I think u'd b surprised that they actually want to just have a intellegent and good conversation with a member of the opposite sex once in a while.

[CrazyKing]

Anytime I get my doubts about approaching someone I think: "Just DO IT"... You'll loose much more if you don't approach her...

[Mguy92]

I just don't. I'm way too scared of getting a negative response, and I'm far too shy, but don't be like me, Jester. Approach whichever girl you find attractive, it could make all the difference.

[Rammspieler]

The odds increase for a girl saying yes for every girl that turns you down. Always keep in mind it's inevitable that a girl will say yes. There is no easy way to build confidence you just to force yaself to chat with girls you don't know then it will become easier.

 

Tell that to those poor souls who suffer from True Forced Loneliness a.k.a. Those who have spent years asking women out and it's a rotund "NO" every single time.

[Son Et Lumiere]

"Tell that to those poor souls who suffer from True Forced Loneliness a.k.a. Those who have spent years asking women out and it's a rotund "NO" every single time."

 

Very true indeed. People (deliberately) seem to forget that life itself does not owe you a happy ending. There are people who for no fault of their own have lived unfulfilled in so many ways, so the belief that the rule of logic etc is poor and lacks evidence that such happiness is guaranteed for everybody, providing they ask out every single woman they come into contact with.

 

When you want to talk to a girl who you do not know, it is always best to do it, but only if you feel confident. If you can feel your heart racing and rushes of anxiety, then in my opinion, I would refrain from making contact.

Your inner state is not stable or content enough in order for you to lose your anxiety and self assessment. This is important when talking to a girl you've never met before....and for a good reason: You have to expect the worst. If you are feeling comfortable about yourself with very little nervous tension within, being rejected in any way is easier to take, especially when you chose to expect the worst with little care for the outcome in the first place. Girls will reject you. Even when they smile and flirt - believe me, this is not a sure sign way of telling you they are interested in you long term......THIS can just a sure sign way of telling you they want your attention ....to boost their ego. And once the attention has been won, a sharp dismissal can often be the eventual outcome for the male.

[Cooperstown]

Buidling on what has been said here I do have another question stemming from this. I'm a really out going person with 99% of the people I meet but for some reason when I find someone attractive I generally freeze up get and stop talking. Any preceptive person can pick up on this, I have however started to overcome that and I'm getting more socialable in that regard. My question is if you find someone attractive at in a social setting and she's with a group of friends, either all girls or a mix(if it matters elaborate) how do you single the girl out and actually start a conversation without interrupting the group of friends? Do you just wait for her to separate herself and make your move then? Or do you just go in and hope for the best? That seems to be the area I'm struggling with most. That and where to actually meet people is difficult, it seems it's somewhat hard to find attractive mid 20's females but I'm pretty sure I just don't know where to look. Suggestions please.

[Son Et Lumiere]

The key is to not show women any respect. As soon as you show some respect she will see you as a soft lovable loser - and women hate lovable, cuddly, sweet men. They want hard, hunky, hot looking edgy, shaven headed, cool, sexy - lustful men. The kind you see in Prison Break. You need to be that kind of man and if your not then forget about it.

[Carmine]

The key is to not show women any respect. As soon as you show some respect she will see you as a soft lovable loser - and women hate lovable, cuddly, sweet men. They want hard, hunky, hot looking edgy, shaven headed, cool, sexy - lustful men. The kind you see in Prison Break. You need to be that kind of man and if your not then forget about it.

 

Have you gotten any positive results from this approach?

[crosstownTraffic]

Geez. I just wrote a thread on approaching a man I found attractive OP.

 

"Yes,the ''cold call'' is difficult and I don't think the majority of relationships begin in this manner,if you can do it then great but I think you are better off focusing on women in your social circle have cute friends] co-workers."

 

you know I have found this is really not the case, at least in my experience. I can think of at least 5 bfs I have dates, and all the latest ones that I met thru a "cold call" basis.. i.e. i did NOT know them before we met... so it can be done, you can meet a complete stranger, show you are interested in them, and end up dating them!

 

and for myself, I don't really go for the shaven headed look in the least, but maybe you are just spoofing us with that last line, no?