He's 40...

[JadedStar]

When we present these hypotheticals they are only meant to give the OP and others who might have the same question food for thought. At the end of the day anyone is free to date anyone they want so we are only providing some different viewpoints for a person to help make their decisions. We can't keep anyone from pursuing an age gap relationship by our posts. All we can do is say:

 

-You have to have a thick skin. Many people will judge you right to your face, others behind your back. If a person is too sensitive to deal with this criticism they probably lack the maturity to really deal with a relaitonship that has a huge age gap. This doesn't mean i think the criticism is fair or just, just that it WILL happen.

-Lifespan. When one is 40 and the other 60 the likelihood that one will be a widow or widower much sooner is vastly greater than relationships of same age.

-Income. Retiring isn't like it used to be. Most folks do not have very good retirment plans and those that are out there, as we know, could crash. The person needs to be aware that if she is 45 and he 65 lifestyles could change and she might be working more than she used to.

-Possible maturity gaps. This may or may not be a factor, but i can tell you that one male friend of mine who is 26, and probably one of the most intellectual and mature friends I haveor at least way up there on the scale, is STILL is very much 26. We are 15 years apart or so and if i were single i could almost see myself dating someone thta age if they had his maturity but at the end of the day there are STILL a lot of things that would make it impossible for me. And we are talking about someone who is at the very high end of brains and maturity.

 

These are just a few of the biggies, and none of these are set in stone. I am sure many can argue each one of those points wiht a dozen or more caveats. That isn't the point I am making> The point i am making is that these are things to CONSIDER, not that they are hardfast rules or outcomes. That's all. This is why i get frustrtated when i get the "why are you being negative" stance on these posts because it isn't about being negative, it is about trying to give an OP as much variety and viewpoints as possible so that when they go off and make decisions they felt they did get some good food for thought from all of us.

[mellybelly]

When we present these hypotheticals they are only meant to give the OP and others who might have the same question food for thought. At the end of the day anyone is free to date anyone they want so we are only providing some different viewpoints for a person to help make their decisions. We can't keep anyone from pursuing an age gap relationship by our posts. All we can do is say:

 

-You have to have a thick skin. Many people will judge you right to your face, others behind your back. If a person is too sensitive to deal with this criticism they probably lack the maturity to really deal with a relaitonship that has a huge age gap. This doesn't mean i think the criticism is fair or just, just that it WILL happen.

-Lifespan. When one is 40 and the other 60 the likelihood that one will be a widow or widower much sooner is vastly greater than relationships of same age.

-Income. Retiring isn't like it used to be. Most folks do not have very good retirment plans and those that are out there, as we know, could crash. The person needs to be aware that if she is 45 and he 65 lifestyles could change and she might be working more than she used to.

-Possible maturity gaps. This may or may not be a factor, but i can tell you that the one friend of mine who is 26, and probably one of the most intellectual and mature friends I have, STILL is very much 26. We are 15 years apart or so and if i were single i could almost see myself dating someone thta age if they had his maturity but at the end of the day there are STILL a lot of things that would make it impossible for me. And we are talking about someone who is at the very high end of brains and maturity.

 

These are just a few of the biggies, and none of these are set in stone. I am sure many can argue each one of those points wiht a dozen or more caveats. That isn't the point I am making> The point i am making is that these are things to CONSIDER, not that they are hardfast rules or outcomes. That's all. This is why i get frustrtated when i get the "why are you being negative" stance on these posts because it isn't about being negative, it is about trying to give an OP as much variety and viewpoints as possible so that when they go off and make decisions they felt they did get some good food for thought from all of us.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Well said. The same reasons you gave your opinion, is why I gave mine. Variety, and to consider all sides of the issue. When I first opened this post, the majority of the people responding were blasting her because of the age difference.

[JadedStar]

And i felt your post was fine - the only thing i was responding to was the part about saying some of us needed to do priority reassessment and personally slamming some of the differing views. It doesn't matter to me if everyone disagreed with my post, i just want to still be able to post it without defending it. Hope that makes sense and no hard feelings. Not on my part.

[mellybelly]

 

And i felt your post was fine - the only thing i was responding to was the part about saying some of us needed to do priority reassessment and personally slamming some of the differing views. It doesn't matter to me if everyone disagreed with my post, i just want to still be able to post it without defending it. Hope that makes sense and no hard feelings. Not on my part.

 

No hard feelings either!

 

I'm sorry if it seemed I was slamming differing view points. This wasn't the case. It was more the way some people were presenting their view points. They were against the age gap without providing much reasoning for why they were. I feel that this kind of response isn't very helpful to posters. You have provided some reasoning to what you believe, and I think this is what will help the poster.

[itsallgrand]

Is he able to interact with your friends without giving off the weird 'dad vibe?'

 

Too big an age gap in my opinion and issues will start to come out of the woodwork over time in my opinion.

 

LOL. That cracked me up. Weird dad vibe.

 

I happen to agree with the others who have said, there are bound to be some issues here.

 

But if it is looked upon as only sex, well, that's different, IMO.

 

IMO, which doesn't mean much but is what it is lol, that's all that could be there - sex and some strange validation on both ends.

Him - that's he is still virile and can get a young chick.

You - well, i'm not even going to say it. I think you seem to have a real tendency to be attracted to not only older men (which isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself), but ones where the main focus is sexual.

 

That's how you could possibly be settling - not that the men are older, but that the vibe I seem to get is that you seem to think your only appeal as a woman to a man is being a honey/young.

 

Just my opinion!

[zenbabyk]

This is what you wrote in a previous thread:

 

 

 

So, in order to get over the Brazillian Player guy you briefly dated, you get yourself drunk, make out with a 40 year old and now start dating him and saying how happy he makes you...and you are upset because you want your parents and friends to be happy for you. I don't see that you yourself are a very happy, content person. You are floundering and grabbing any man who pays attention to you...Brazilian players, much older men etc. As I said before, the age gap is the least of your worries...it is how you are conducting your life that is most disconcerting and probably what is disconcerting to your parents and friends.

 

 

At the time, I was still crazy about the Brazilian. I had never felt that way about a person before, and I do really think that I was inlove with him. Like I have said multiple times before, I dated someone for 3 years and I had never even felt the crazy love/lust whatever you want to call it, with him.

I DO have a great connection with the 40 year old, I'm not CRAZY inlove with him, but I do care a lot about him, and really enjoy my time spent with him.

For instance, today was the first time in a couple of days where we had contact. & in past relationships I like to talk to the person I am seeing atleast once everyday. (Not that I do... but ideally I do like the contact.)

 

Anyways, at the time when I first made out with the 40 year old, we were both wasted... and I was upset trying to get over someone. I was, and still am very embarrassed that I made out with him the first night that I met him. However, that is as far as we have gone, so I don't agree when some might think that I am attracted to men that can be more sexual with me. The Brazilian was an exception, and I didn't even get that intimate with him, because when I was helping him clean his apartment I found a used condom, and was completely disgusted and decided that he was probably not the safest person to have sex with. ( yeah yeah... I know he used protection with whoever he used the condom with... but just the fact that he was seeing me and sleeping with others was a big red flag... but still I couldn't shake the feelings I had for him... but i could resist the temptations of taking our physical level all the way.)

 

 

I don't claim that I am mature. I am far from it. All I was saying was that I have had a lot of life shaping experiences happen to me, and I am comfortable with who I am, and I don't see myself changing much more. To be honest I don't really care what others think. I am used to the " Did you change his Depends today?" Or when I'm out to dinner, or lunch with him, and he slips to the bathroom having the server ask me if we should wait for my dad to order or not. I mean seriously? He doesn't look that old... I don't think that I look that young? ( I mean does my profile picture look like I'm 12?)

 

Truth is, is that when we go out we hold hands, we hug, we dance. I really don't care what strangers think... and I don't honestly CARE what my friends think, the ones closest to me are supportive, but I'm just honestly sick of hearing my so-called friends tell me that he is creepy before they even meet him.

[JadedStar]

Fact is, tho, that he is old enough to be your dad so the servers are not being mean by asking that question. MANY people have a child at 20 years old. You dont have to look 12 for him to look like your father - he is old enough at his age. But if you get angry over innocent things like this it probably is going to be real tough on you because I seriously doubt any waiter would have asked that question with malice and it was innocent.

[CakeLove]

Yes,..people ARE going to think he might be your Dad. I am 42 with a 22 year old son. You really cannot get upset for people for thinking so...because it isn't a crazy notion! YOu might just have to come up with a tactful way of telling them that this man is your sweetheart..not your father. And try not to become defensive. As a female, I probably couldn't take someone asking if my boyfriend/girlfriend was my child...it would make me feel even more ancient ! My husband's mother is 61, and married to a man who is 47. I could never do that. It's on me though...too insecure.

[ronnyt1]

A large age gap can be a problem. No age difference can be a problem. Any relationship can be a problem as you already know. If you all decide to go further with this relationship I suggest you spend a lot of time discussing age related issues such as children, etc. My wife and I did and 22 years later our 15 year age difference is still not an issue.

[bostonbruins24]

It's not very likely that the relationship is going to last or be long term ,why can't the OP just enjoy it for what it is,a casual relationship that feels good for the time being.When I was 20 I was always attracted to much older women 35+,so that part of the attraction isn't unusual in my opinion.

[My Advice]

19 yrs isn't necessarily too much of an age gap. People have had successful relationships and been much older and younger.

 

If he makes her happy, support them being together.

[My Advice]

Age is not really just a number if we are realistic. For those of you who did well with large age gap relationships, my hats off to you and you are obviously mature people who have your head on straight. Unfortunately not all people will fare so well with 15 + year gaps.--

 

 

Jaded people have trouble faring with people in their own age range. That doesn't mean every relationship with an age difference that is unsuccessful is because it was the difference in age.

[ginger007]

Any relationship, age gap or not, can bring problems. My advice would be to not get involved with anyone if you're going through a vulnerable period. That's how I ended up in an age gap relationship, and since it was under negative circumstances, it didn't end well and I completely 100% regret it and feel disgusted by it, I've blocked it. But of course not all age gap relationships stem from negative circumstances.

[crosstownTraffic]

what I dont' get is why you've turned a dating situation that is only a month old into a 5 page thread! She's having fun, they are both legal... he's not proposed to her yet... or even had sex.. I'm guessing.....

Why is everyone getting so serious about this? Please be sure though if it does turn serious you are very careful about birth control OP. He may not want to be a dad again at 40.....

Meanwhile leave them alone.. i guess...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Everyone, she already broke up with this guy a couple weeks ago (he quit calling her) so this thread is basically obsolete.

[zenbabyk]

Yeah, we did break up

He did contact me yesterday to apologize.

I told him it was mean, and that I was confused, and yes, I did miss him- but I don't think that it would be a good idea to start things up again.

[Mutley]

Yeah, we did break up

He did contact me yesterday to apologize.

I told him it was mean, and that I was confused, and yes, I did miss him- but I don't think that it would be a good idea to start things up again.

 

Wonder if he was just trying get a hit of young stuff again.

 

(sorry, I'm cynical)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Hmmm... wonder what he was doing during his absense? Another woman in town visiting him, or he trotted off to date someone else for a while?

 

I think unless he had a really good excuse for disappearing you are wise to not take him back or see him again.

[Convoluted]

he's just another bead in your string of bad relationships....