He's 40...

[JadedStar]

Exxxxxcellent. This is a worthwhile perspective. It also makes sense that if you're a young woman who feels like she needs someone in her life to be a stabilizing influence, then an older man is certainly going to fit that bill in spades. And if your family life isn't up to par, and doesn't fulfill you then dating an older man can be like an instant family.

 

But that is basically what CAD was saying all along....that is why i really quesitoned why the "motherly" thing was brought up. Her post was objective and if i didn't know her could have also been written by a man, younger or older, or a younger female. The post was not reflective of an age group or gender IMO. CAD mentioned she is not a mother, and I do not know if Bestrong is either. Not that it is even relevant.

 

Offended perhaps was too strong a word. Shocked might be a better description of what i was feeling as i read that post about their age and motherly instincts being the catalyst for their replies. I very much get the flavor from your posts that you like to date women much younger than yourself, so I am sure you have that bias when you respond, and that is your perogative. I surely have no issues with that. I just did not read any type of bias at all out of CAD or Bestrong's responses. Some of the replies here reflect EXTREMELY strong bias, but not their posts in this particular instance. I didn't say you have dated younger women, however, i am talking about the flavor of your posts suggests that you would if the oppty arose. And i am not slamming that.

[Mutley]

This thread has devolved into sticky tar pit.

[jettison]

Is it not worthwhile to bring up that a mother would likely have a stronger opinion about an older man dating a much younger woman? Would she not? Who would likely be more worried about a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old girl? A 40 year old mother who has the kind of life experience to perhaps have seen this stuff first hand, or a 23 year old guy?

 

Again JS, I pointed that out because mothers are perhaps going to have firsthand experiences with this kind of thing, the kind of experience that I, frankly, don't have. This is the opposite of a diss on you, or on mothers, or on, as I put it, more mature women. I understand that we're behind the interwebs here, but to insinuate that I'm somehow being sexist here (if that's what's being insinuated) is really unfortunate. I love women. All women. Every age. I love my mother to pieces, my sister is my whole world, and you couldn't find a single person that I've ever dated who wouldn't vouche for me, and also say that I wasn't always respectful.

 

This thread is just getting a little nervy right now.

[zenbabyk]

I am not saying that I want to marry him. I am saying I could see myself marrying him. That is a huge difference. I said that in every relationship I have to think to myself " Could I SEE myself marrying this man?" & if I can't, then there is no point.

 

I simply saw my ex brazilian guy because the other night I ran into him when I was with the 40. He suggested that I get closure. I didn't meet up with the Brazilian to re-kindle things, because awhile back I made up my mind, and knew that he was bad for me.

 

I might remind you that me and the 40 year-old are just simply dating, nothing exclusive right now. We have only known eachother for a month, and I don't know if I want to get tied down right now. He expects a lot out of this relationship. I know he wants kids someday, and with each day passing he is not getting any younger. I really like him as a person, he has great morals and beliefs, he is a very hard-worker, but he also knows how to have a good time. He has never been married, he has no kids, so he doesn't have any string attached that would make this age gap any harder on me.

 

I know 21 is VERY young. I don't feel 21. The past couple years has really shaped me. I'm not saying that I won't change again, but I am comfortable with the person I am. I know what I want to do in life, and there isn't much stopping me from doing that.

 

I know that he graduated high school the year I was born. & don't get me wrong, that does bother me. But what bothers me the most is that he IS a great person, I DO have a lot of fun with him, but I really don't think that people will just be happy for me.

 

Do you have to be immature to want your friends and family to just be happy for you? Can a mature person not wish that?

 

I know he is getting old. I know that he does not want to go out every weekend because he has for the past 19 years. I don't mind watching the history channel with him on a Sunday and ordering pizza. I'm a home-body.

 

I simply came on here to ask if 40 was too old for a 21 year old.

Thank you for making my skin thicker.

[JadedStar]

Following her posts I am not getting the feel that she is a strongly mature 21 year old. She was kicking her ex in the "b a l l s" a few days ago. Good for your parents for having a strong relationship with a 17 year gap. I am giving my take on my experiences and there are way more than just one and they did not end well. Does that mean NONE will end well? Of course not. But that was not the point of this. The point was giving our view on this so as to add to the discussion and give a more holistic view. I'm not going to ask if I am allowed to give my opinion on this thread anymore. If someone thinks the OP should go for it, then say it. If those have some reservations, they can share it and should be able to do so without being slammed. For the most part, except for a few, the responses that were contrary were very factual and respectful. There were good tidbits there if someone can read them with an objective lens.

 

I do not need any sort of priority assessment on what matters in a relationship. I think I have demonstrated here during my tenure on ENA that I am not an idiot in that regard, nor are CAD or Bestrong or anyone else who had some information here to share on why this situation might not turn out the way the OP hoped. I find it odd that we are slammed for being too sensitive yet i think that it is the other way around. There is some serious sensitivity, bias and snappiness coming from those on the "pro" side of this and I am not sure why. no one is intending to step on anyone's toes. It is a shame that some people spent more time defending their posts than actually being able to give advice to the OP. Save the policing for the mods please.

 

Thanks.

[jettison]

Zen,

 

It's not too old if you're happier with this man in your life then you are without him. Life is too short to worry about anyone telling you that you aren't allowed to be happy. I think you recognize the obvious pitfalls here, and that you're showing maturity simply by asking the question to ENA to begin with. Some people wouldn't even take that step. It proves that you're at least being thoughtful about your life.

 

And as history bares out, there are lots of examples of these kinds of relationships not only working, but working quite well.

 

Best of luck to you!

[jettison]

Not only are your points valid, not only did I tell you to keep posting, but I'm just completely confused by your take here. Also, I rep'd CAD on this thread for one of her posts. No one is slamming anyone here. The only thing I pointed out was that the OP shouldn't be slammed... that's it. Sorry for caring so much.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But you have to recognize that if your friends and family are not happy for you, it may be because they are worried for you. They aren't trying to rain on your parade for no good reason at all, but they are basing their attitudes on their own experience and their fear is perhaps if you wait a little while, you might find a more suitable candidate for yourself.

 

BUT of course if you want to date him, you should date him and not worry about what they think, just take it under advisement as they say.

 

It is also usually the case that if your loved ones see that this guy is good for you, that you are really happy with him, and the relationship does last and turn more serious, if you make the choice to actually marry him in future, they most likely will accept that and be OK with it.

 

So you will meet some initial resistance here because people are worried for you, but if the love proves real over time, they will relax and accept it.

 

They aren't wrong for worrying about you, just like you aren't wrong for dating an older guy if you really like him.

 

So don't try to force them to accept him, just do you own thing and over time if things go well with him, they'll come around.

[JadedStar]

Not only are your points valid, not only did I tell you to keep posting, but I'm just completely confused by your take here. Also, I rep'd CAD on this thread for one of her posts. No one is slamming anyone here. The only thing I pointed out was that the OP shouldn't be slammed... that's it. Sorry for caring so much.

 

The response of mine you quoted was to mellybelly. She/he was talking about maybe the OP was a very mature 21 year old and i was simply giving some reasons as to why I felt maybe she wasn't. She also said maybe those of us not in favor needed a prioritity assessment on relationships and i just pointed out that was false.

[jettison]

The response of mine you quoted was to mellybelly. She/he was talking about maybe the OP was a very mature 21 year old and i was simply giving some reasons as to why I felt maybe she wasn't. She also said maybe those of us not in favor needed a prioritity assessment on relationships and i just pointed out that was false.

 

Gotcha. There are some strong opinions on this thread, obviously. Getting mixed up in the fray.

[yankeefan74]

In most cases, a 40 year old man that dates a 21 year old is overcompensating for an insecurity, looking for a trophy, or is seriously immature. Just the way it is.

 

The politically correct answer is to say that age is just a number, if you're happy, then it doesn't matter....that's the easy answer...it's easy to say "Hey, whatever makes you happy."

 

I applaud the posters who have replied here and have expressed opinions that aren't so PC.

 

Sure, relationships featuring huge age gaps can work. It's possible. It's also possible that Scarlett Johansson could wind up filming a movie in the city i live in and wind up falling madly in love with me. But i'm not going to stop dating so that i'm single when it happens.

 

Examine the reasons why you spent all this time complaining about the brazillian guy, and you go right into dating a man 19 years older than you are.

[gomango]

My last relationship had a 18 year difference. We met at work and we were instantly attracted to each other. At first I thought she was too young and I never dated co-workers. We started dating after 3 months and dated for 2.5 years. Problems began with jealousy from co-workers. Then Her parents didn't like the fact we were dating, she was 25 I was 43. The funny part is her mom and my mom are the same age ( both are 68 now). Also her mom is 10 years older than her dad. Her mom is Korean and wanted her to date a nice Korean boy but ex GF has always been attracted to caucasian males. Her dad is Italian-American. We didn't care what others thought. However as the relationship progressed I felt she had doubts about me having kids later in life or wanting to remarry. I felt selfish for trying to hold onto her. We parted friends and I will probably never love anyone as much as I loved her. We both had crappy realtionships before meeting and I think we both have a better Idea of the type of person we want in our life now. If the age difference wasn't so great I'm certain we could have lived out our lives together happily. I don't regret dating her, but all the problems mentioned by others do run through your head. I'm in better shape now than in 30's, reasonably attractive and financially secure. but what will I be like when I'm 60 and she's still a hottie at 42? The one thing I will say Zenbaby is if your asking permission or advice from people you don't know your probably not ready for the looks and comments you will receive. You'll be a Gold digger and he'll be a cradle robber. But Love has no barriers and I would date this young lady again and as much as hurts to let her go....I did it because I love her and want her to be happy. So bash away...I'm an old gross coot who fell in love with a much younger woman. *(puts on flame retardant suit)*

[avman]

Moderator note: I suggest everyone address their comments to the OP and focus on giving her advice. There is clearly a big difference of opinions here and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is silly to snip at each other for the quality of each person's advice.

 

Accept that people disagree with you and don't think as you do and move on.

[doyathink]

What a sad post. I feel for you. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

When I was 31 I married a guy who was 23. We were together for 8 years. I loved him with all my heart, but it didn't work. I felt as if I was raising another kid, and he felt like I 'mothered' him. the age difference caused too many problems. I was looking for a man who had been through the same life experiences...and he hadn't been. He was just starting out.

The age difference wasn't what ended our marriage..but it played a big part in it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually gomango, no one should flame you because you didn't do anything wrong by dating her, and you certainly also brought into focus the issues the OP will have to deal with.

 

New love is always ever hopeful, no matter the participants, but certain realities do impinge over time. Large age gaps can work, but there are special considerations as you point out.

 

I'd forgotten the one about how she most likely could be a very young widow. The other thing that does happen is that unless he is indepently wealthy, she will most likely be supporting him from her own age 45 on, as he will be retired and she will be bringing in the only paycheck other than his social security.

 

I know one age gap couple where the man is still working in his 70s because they have school aged children and children in college and he is terrified his health will break down and he will leave them alone and without much financial resources. He is actually quite sad now and looks at it differently than he did when he had kids in his 40s and 50s, in that he will mostly likely be working til the day he dies and not be able to enjoy a retirement because he is supporting kids still.

[ginger007]

I don't see the need for asking the question if you already have your mind set, age-gap relationships exist, and they're not uncommon in some areas of the world. You're free to do whatever you want..a friend of mine married our physics high school teacher (he was around 53--killed himself a few years later, she was 18 when they married)...

 

Anyway, just to share, I was in a relationship with a guy 7 years younger than me, I am not even going to give specifics about it, because I am ashamed of that relationship, I try hard not to remember it, we even lived together, and he thought he was atypically mature for his age, and would say he was ready to settle down etc...

 

And tbh, I liked the attention that the age gap brought to our relationship, I thought we 'were special'...whatever....and like I said above, I am absolutely disgusted by that relationship and ashamed that it ever happened, I have to say it was sick and there must have been some emotional deficiency in my life at that moment...and right now I am grossed out by such relationships....I don't think anybody is special/unique and exempted from this, and my opinion is that there is something wrong with this man...I am 27 now and definitely not attracted (for a serious relationship) to men ~4 years or more younger than me...

[Karmageddon]

I don't think anyone is flaming anyone here. We all have expressed our opinions and concerns b/c we were asked.

 

So to the poster, like I said before, if he is a great guy, don't worry about what others will think. And yes, in my opinion I think it is immature to expect all of your friends to just be happy for you with no opinions. Friends tell you straight what they think & they are there for you even if you don't take their advice. They are reserving judgement because they love you, so why not focus on that instead? If they showed no concern over your choice of any man to date, I would be suspect of your friends to tell you the truth.

 

And I am telling you as someone who has dated outside my race, you better toughen up sister. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

[gomango]

What a sad post. I feel for you. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

.

 

 

 

Thanks for the empathy. You can't control who you fall in love with. In our situation we respected each other as equals. It was outside forces that pulled us apart. I love her more than anything....but she was the easiest to let go of. Her happiness was and still is very important to me. Unfortunately, sometimes in relationships you have to sacrifice and be the better person. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering "what if", but I know in my heart I did the right thing. "Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is what you wrote in a previous thread:

 

 

 

So, in order to get over the Brazillian Player guy you briefly dated, you get yourself drunk, make out with a 40 year old and now start dating him and saying how happy he makes you...and you are upset because you want your parents and friends to be happy for you. I don't see that you yourself are a very happy, content person. You are floundering and grabbing any man who pays attention to you...Brazilian players, much older men etc. As I said before, the age gap is the least of your worries...it is how you are conducting your life that is most disconcerting and probably what is disconcerting to your parents and friends.

[mellybelly]

The response of mine you quoted was to mellybelly. She/he was talking about maybe the OP was a very mature 21 year old and i was simply giving some reasons as to why I felt maybe she wasn't. She also said maybe those of us not in favor needed a prioritity assessment on relationships and i just pointed out that was false.

 

Hello JadedStar,

I wasn't personally attacking you or anyone else. I'm sorry you felt that way. I didn't even list the responses I didn't agree with. I just felt that through some of the posts people were simply disagreeing BECAUSE of the age gap without giving valid reasoning. It felt very close minded to me.

 

What I was telling the poster, and still am, is it's all based on her personal case whether she should pursue this 40 year old man or not. I feel some people are giving more reasoning to support their beliefs now on the side that are against it, which is good. I wasn't seeing so much of that in earlier posting. I still believe it's not about the age here, but other factors; such as respect, attraction, trust, similar desires and interests, and whether she is ready to be in another realtionship again. If all those things are present, than I say to the poster, be happy, regardless what other people think. And yes, it is so normal to want your friends and family to be happy with the choices you are making, but ultimately, it's your life, and chances are it won't work out like that every time.

 

Peace and love to you!

[JadedStar]

It was that post above by Crazyaboutdogs that I also considered when I was replying because she does not sound at all like a mature 21 year old, thereforee, the posts saying maybe she is mature for her age are moot in my opinion.

 

I agree that the age difference in this case is probably at the bottom of her list of worries with this relationship. But if there were not other issues I still would not give the canned, useless bit of advice and that is "age is only a number"! If that happens to be someone's advice, by all means give it, but I surely won't.

 

Age is not really just a number if we are realistic. For those of you who did well with large age gap relationships, my hats off to you and you are obviously mature people who have your head on straight. Unfortunately not all people will fare so well with 15 + year gaps.

[mellybelly]

I see. Well, I was responding to only this post, without reading her previous posts... so that is why I offered the response I did. I definitely agree with you that age difference is at the bottom of her list of worries for the relationship...it's the other issues that I mentioned before that I think she should be concerned with and look into, before worrying what kind of effect the age gap brings into play.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Once people are adults, i consider any age gap around 10 years really isn't really too problematic at all, but when you get up towards an entire generation gap of 20 years, the practical problems of age differences come into play.

 

So my advice would very different if the gap was 25/35 or 45/55 or 55/65. Those gaps won't produce many problem, but it takes a really special love to survive age gaps that span generations because of the different life stages.

 

And i do have friends in age gap relationships, and those that are formed between 20 year old and 40 year olds seem to be the most problematic when the younger person hits their 40s because of the way the life cycles fall.

 

I know someone who had an approximately 20 year gap where the woman was 21 and the man early 40s when they married, where he had a midlife crisis and dumped his middle aged wife for a hottie. He and the hottie got on fine for 20 years until he got to be retirement age and she was young 40s. Then she had a mid life crisis of her own and dumped him for her young tennis instructor (no joke), took him for the house, half the assets, half his retirement plan.

 

She is now happily living with her young stud and all the money made by her older husband while he enters retirement alone and considerably less comfortable after the monetary loss in the divorce.

 

So there are dangers on both sides of that age gap equation, because he enjoyed her youth when he was middle aged, and now that he is old and she is middle aged, she is now enjoying a youthful guy while he is left alone. A very severe case of what goes around comes around, as his first wife whom he dumped for the hottie is now laughing and saying i told you so.

[JadedStar]

I agree that ten year gaps are not much of a big deal with adults. Even a 21 year old and 31 year old is much less problematic than a 21 and 41 year old. For many reasons.

 

I also agree that 45/55 is no biggie. Or 35/45. It is the very large gaps like 18 to 20 years that usually come with a big set of problems. Now if the women is 50 and the guy 70 the issues will likely just surround lifespan and income.

[mellybelly]

I agree that ten year gaps are not much of a big deal with adults. Even a 21 year old and 31 year old is much less problematic than a 21 and 41 year old. For many reasons.

 

I also agree that 45/55 is no biggie. Or 35/45. It is the very large gaps like 18 to 20 years that usually come with a big set of problems. Now if the women is 50 and the guy 70 the issues will likely just surround lifespan and income.

 

 

I guess when it comes to love, I am more in the mindset of quality over quanitity. Yes, with an almost 20 year age gap, I suppose one should consider that when you you reach middle age if you are the younger one, your significant other is most probably reaching the last part of his or her life, and may very well pass twenty years before you do. But, we really aren't guaranteed anything in this life. We don't when or how we are going to die, or what is going to happen...some people die young deaths, others live to be 100. ISn't the connection with the person and it how it affects your life the most important part?

 

Sorry if this takes it to a whole other realm, but coming from me and dealing with losing my soulmate last month, this came to mind. It does relate to the whole age gap argument as well. The point I am trying to get accross is, love is what matters most. If that is present in the relationship, then I think that is what is most important.