I found out my ex cheated after I divorced him

[kaleena]

Hi everyone.....I need some advice. I was with my ex husband for 17 years before I left him. The last probably 4/5 years we grew apart or so I thought. I had my job which I was home from at 4 every afternoon and he owned his own business which he would stay at sometimes till 10pm. The store actually closed at 6 but there was always bookwork or something that needed to be done. Well as time went on the distance between us just grew no matter how I tried to get him to see he should be home with the family. I eventually just gave up and told him I was leaving I wasnt in a marriage to be by myself that there was just to much distance between us anymore. It was about a year ago that I discovered his infedility. I was talking with a g/f about STD's and she mentioned climidia. I was very naive while married I didnt know anything about STD"s but about 10 years ago I got climidia. We split back in 99 so we have been apart for quite a few years now. I met a wonderful man back in the summer and we begn dating but as soon as I started really caring for him I could feel myself shutting down. I ended it and didnt look back. He didnt do anything wrong I just got scared. Now I have met someone else and I am in love with him and I can feel myself shutting down again. He wants to get married and all I want to do is run. I think it is because of the betrayal of my ex. I am very confused as to why this is happening so any advice would be greatly appriciated

thanks for listening

Sue

[lil_mamarains13]

Sue, it is only naturaly for you to want to shut down your heart after being hurt like that. If you trust the man you are with you need to go with the flow and take it one day at a time. If not then back out of it. This goes the same for anyone you date. Just remember not all guys are cheaters, liers, and abusers. The good ones are few and far between, but they are out there. (No offense to the guys on this forum) I wish you all the luck, and I hope I helped some.

[Frodo Baggins]

Hmm, subconsciously, you have the idea that if you've been hurt in a serious relationship before, it can happen again. It's an internal defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt, except it seems to be operating on a hair trigger. It could also be that you have trust issues, where you can trust men on a certain level, but once it goes deeper, it begins to waiver based on your chief experience. It's not conscious, that's the good thing, but at least you're more aware of it. Basically, unless you legitimately feel it's a bad relationship, you should try and resist the urge to flee from what may be a stable relationship. You're basically staying in the wading area of the pool, but you can't stay there forever. You can't be afraid of going into the deep end of the pool. You'll need to risk drowning only so you won't live with that fear for the rest of your life.

[The Morrigan]

You might also want to talk to him and explain how you react, so it won't spiral out of control where his actions and words constantly alert you to the need to "pull back." If he has a better understanding of what makes you feel pressured and uncomfortable, getting too close for comfort, he'll know to ease up, instead of triggering a panic reaction in him that will generally make him cling tighter. He's not going to know why you're pulling away if you don't tell him what the problem is - if he's open to it, maybe go to some sort of counseling together, where there's a third party as a buffer, since that can be less threatening. Right now it seems part of the trouble you're having is you need more time to adjust to your own feelings than average to be at ease - which is perfectly ok, he needs to understand his pace isn't yours though, and give you time to catch up instead of pressing ahead.