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Help me read this guy's signals


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Okay, my first post on this forum, so hello! And once I've written this I'll continue to browse around and put in my tuppence worth when I feel I have something to say!


Anyway, I need a bit of help interpreting this guy. I think I know what people will say, but it's worth seeing if there are any other opinions out there. This is very, very long....


I met this guy about 18 months ago (or a bit more) through a dating website. We met up for a drink. I'm shy and I'm not good at dating/relationships/dealing with strangers generally, but we actually had a really good night. We talked and talkd for about five hours, hugged goodbye and said we'd definitely see each other again. And we did, a handful of times. Sometimes I felt more awkward than others, but I am like that with most people, and I felt like we both always enjoyed ourselves. Nothing ever happened between us though, and it was never even acknowledged that we'd met through a dating thing. I did feel attracted to him. Physically, he wasn't really my type, but I enjoyed his company so much that it didn't matter, and I longed for a bit more physical contact. One evening we agreed to do something the next day as well, and he pointed out that it would make most sense if I stayed at his place that night. He stated "this isn't some kind of weird come on..." And I sliently filled in "I wouldn't mind if it was..." Anyway, I stayed at his, in his bed no less, but it was all very chaste indeed although I longed to curl up against him.


I am competely hopeless at flirting, and for various reasons, petrified of making a first move or starting a "significant" conversation. But I got frustrated with the situation, and made a terrible mistake. I got home after we had been to see a movie one evening, and decided to send him a text message asking if we were dating or what?


Now, the friends I had explained the situation to had all told me it sounded like he was just having trouble making that first move as well. They said we sounded similar in our issues with dating / affection etc. They said it was odd for two grown ups of opposite genders to spend a night in a bed together, when it was completely unnecessary really (I could have slept on his couch, but he offered the bed and I accepted in hope) unless there was something underlying going on.


So, I was a little surprised when I got a text back saying he thought we were friends "at this stage" and what was it that I wanted?


I replied saying that friends was fine, I enjoyed spending time with him as a friend, but that I did like him, and I thought the situation needed clarifying given how we met.


No reply.


After that I did make suggestions of other things we could do together, but he always managed to avoid it, and eventually I stopped trying in order to retain some dignity.


After a few months, I got a new job and actually moved away to the other side of the country. I didn't like living there, didn't like my job, had an unfortunate experience with another man, was unhappy. At new year I got to thinking about this guy again and how sad I was that it had ended sort of sourly, so I sent him an email just saying that I was thinking about him, and that I was sorry that we had seemed to reach a misunderstanding. I got a sweet reply back saying he had always regretted that it had gone wrong, and he didn't know what had happened. There was never an explanation though, and I thought it was unfair to ask for one. But I was glad that we were able to exchange amicable emails.


A couple of months past, and I decided I had to change my unhappy situation, and managed to get a new job back in my old town. Having been back a couple of months, I got in touch with the guy and we went to see a movie.... and we've met up several times since. But it's just like before.


I still like him. I still feel attracted to him. We do things just the two of us, never anyone else. We hug hello and goodbye. He always seems keen to see me.


I guess 95% of me knows that if he liked me, it wouldn't be like this. That I don't really have much to go on that suggests he might feel anything. But there is part of me that feels there is an unspoken issue that needs to be resolved. I want to bring it up in conversation some how, or just take the plunge and ask him out, and if I'm knocked back, I'm knocked back but at least I know. I at least want to know what "at this stage" means. I want to know if he is just someone who takes things really slowly. He has said things that have hinted at serious hurts in the past.


My friends tell me I need to flirt with him. But.... I don't know how. I've never been able to flirt. I am not a touchy-feely person. To me, the fact that we hug mosts times that we see each other already puts him ahead of my friends and family in the physical affection stakes, but I know that it takes more than that. I've been told to touch him casually, but to me that just feels so forced and awkard, and I can't help thinking he'll jump away in horror and revulsion.


........... so, what can I do to find out if he like me? Or do I just need to wake up to the fact that he doesn't?

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It sounds like this guy DOES like you, to some extent, and just doesn't know what to do. From the way you've described your interactions, he probably feels slightly put off.


Anyway, I stayed at his, in his bed no less, but it was all very chaste indeed although I longed to curl up against him.


After reading that, I get the feeling that this guy is unsure of what you want. You told him you like him, albeit after this happened. I'm sure that with you sleeping in his bed, he was looking for a sign that you were attracted to him. And there's nothing wrong with cuddling with someone for a night when you're mutually attracted.


The question I have is: If you wanted to, why DIDN'T you?


Now, it may take a bit of courage, but I say you shouldn't hesitate to act in the next semi-romantic situation you find yourself in. If you're at his house watching a movie, cuddle against him. If you're talking late at night, and it seems right, lean in and kiss him. I doubt you'll miss the mark by being so courageous. And like you said, at the very least, you'll know where he stands.

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Thank you for your response I actually thought people would just tell me to get real. I am going to try, next time there is an opportunity, to just be a little more obvious. I guess I feel that it is a two way street. I feel put off by the fact that he hasn't made any moves, but he could feel equally so. Trouble is, I feel like I was the one who put myself out there before (albeit in the wrong way).


Thanks again.

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I think you should tell him how you feel...or if you don't feel comfortable with that..if you always hug hello and goodbye maybe one day when you are hugging goodbye you can maybe just kiss his cheek and see if he makes a move


I have a lot of guy friends (i mean lifelong guy friends not like guys I used to date or something) and I know none of them just continually hang out with the same girl if they don't feel something for her..even if it is just a physical attraction they feel something

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Off the top of my head I's say you seem to place a huge amount of importance on the way you met, and I wonder why. People meet in all sort of strange situations. Some even meet in cemeteries and it really does not mean a thing.


Anyway, this got me thinking:

I've been told to touch him casually, but to me that just feels so forced and awkard , and I can't help thinking he'll jump away in horror and revulsion.


This, I guess, is your problem. I don't understand how touching someone you are attracted to is forced. I mean, after almost a year and a half you should almost not be able to keep your hands off him!!


As for feeling horror and revulsion... what planet do you live in? Do you really think that any normal guy would ask a woman he may feel horror and revulsion for to share his bed at night ???


With your inability to touch him it is more likely that he thinks YOU are not attracted to him and not the other way around.

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