In counseling - An email I plan to send...

[notsoanonymous]

Last Friday, we entered our first counseling session together. He had been incredibly stubborn about going to see someone until then, but he made the effort. Up until now, I have been so angry at him for leaving me, so confused by his lack of explanation that I couldn't see what I might have done to push him away. We will be seeing our counselor again on Wednesday for our second session, which he agreed to without hesitation.

 

After counseling on my own later that afternoon, I realized that there were some things I needed to say to him. Here is the email I would like to send. This is not in an effort in any way to "get him back" - but simply to let him know that I am ready to take responsibility.

 

For you to have gotten to a place where you wanted our relationship to be over, you must have really been at a breaking point with me. Until the other day in [counseling] office, I did not acknowledge - even to myself privately - that I had possibly hurt you or done anything wrong to cause you to leave. I made a silent promise when I left on Friday to stop blaming you and being so angry - and to start being honest with myself about why we were no longer together.

 

I could not see how upset and stressed out you had become on a day to day basis. I was completely consumed by my own thoughts and blind to see that you were hurting and that you needed me. It was a selfish way for me to have behaved. Because of my actions and anger, you were left to struggle through the current challenges in your life without support and love from the one person who promised to give you those things. You should have been able to count on me to stand beside you. Instead, I let you down. I am regretful and so very sorry for that.

 

I want you to know this. You are not a coward. I am sorry to have lashed out at you with such a hurtful word so many times. The truth is that you are a strong, intelligent and incredibly caring man - and while I had you in my life I was a very fortunate woman. I am proud you for all of your accomplishments. You are humble, kind and thoughtful beyond what I have ever given you credit for. I value you as a friend and as a man more than my words can express.

 

I admire you.

 

Regardless of where you and I go from here, I hope that you are able to believe me when I say these things. I know that through my actions more than my words, I will need to show you that this much is true.

 

Thank you so much for being the man that you are.

[thinkstoohard]

I think the letter is great. However, before I sent it I would ask your counselor about it and maybe even read it to him in the session???

[COtuner]

What about maybe handwriting this and giving it to him before a counseling session instead of emailing it? I can understand why you want to do that, but something like that I think I'd make the extra effort to go handwritten.

 

I've thought of doing something similar for my ex, but he rejected counseling by choosing to end the relationship rather than admit to problems. I commend your courage.

[notsoanonymous]

Thanks guys... My only reason for emailing this is that we are currently separated (we own a home together) and there isn't a way for me to get him a handwritten note right now - outside of driving to his parents house where he is staying - or believe me I would. I just know him well enough that my showing up unannounced to give it to him would sort of defeat the purpose.

[thinkstoohard]

That's why I say save it for the counesling session. I would ask the counselor first if you should give it to him....

 

Thanks guys... My only reason for emailing this is that we are currently separated (we own a home together) and there isn't a way for me to get him a handwritten note right now - outside of driving to his parents house where he is staying - or believe me I would. I just know him well enough that my showing up unannounced to give it to him would sort of defeat the purpose.

[BlackOps]

Great letter. I must agree that handwritten is key in this situation as it is much more personal and shows great thought on your part. Anyone can click send but it shows great courage on your part to deliver something as heart felt as that face to face. If you both are going to be in the counseling session then perhaps arrive a few minutes early and show the letter to the counselor and get their thoughts. A phone call to the counselor a few days before to advise them of what you are thinking of doing might be helpful too. They might be able to schedule a few extra minutes to read it and advise you accordingly.

[notsoanonymous]

The counselor actually encouraged us not to call between appointments privately because she feels it is best to handle things together.

 

I clicked send an hour ago and now DO sort of wish I had made the effort to handwrite this and deliver to him. I cannot change it - but at least he will see this today and have it on his mind prior to our Wednesday appointment.

 

Next time I will heed the in-person / handwritten advice.

[COtuner]

Hey - you still made the effort so no regrets now. Think positively and I'll keep my fingers crossed.

[needs]

this letter is a moving one, very well-written. Good luck and keep us updated

[notsoanonymous]

After sending it to him yesterday, he has not mentioned the email at all. I texted him to say goodnight after not talking yesterday and we wrote back and forth for about an hour. I am assuming the letter will get brought up in our session tomorrow or he jsut doesn't know what to say because he was very sweet and friendly over text.

 

Ultimately, even if things do not end up working out for us I think it is best that this happened. It made me step outside of myself in a way I had been unwilling to do for a long time now. I'm growing so much and learning in the past 5 weeks that I am to the point now where I wouldn't change a thing.

[COtuner]

His reaction sounds positive, though, at least he didn't shut down cold. Continuing to cross my fingers for you....

 

I wish I could get anything close to this kind of reaction from my ex if I did the same thing. I have a mental image of being wished a happy life and congratulated on my growth

[notsoanonymous]

I don't know what happened with you two, but with us this was a case of very serious cold feet on his part after we bought a house and got to the marriage/engagement stuff. Either way we HAVE to work together to come to an agreement to either split or try again (we are going to counseling now as a week-by-week sort of try thing) before we make any other moves regarding the house.

 

We have another appointment again tomorrow, and every time we go I guess it remains to be seen what will happen.

[COtuner]

Ours was fighting our way into irreconcilable differences after 4 years. He couldn't see things from my point of view, and I was fed up with being told to only see things from his point of view. The conversations died there and he wouldn't consider counseling. (this was not the way he was the first few years - it developed after a crisis)

[notsoanonymous]

Sorry to hear that CO. If you feel like PMing me to talk, please do! It's always nice to have some break up buddies to chat things out with..

[COtuner]

Thanks, I might take you up on that With all my friends and coworkers being married, it's sort of lonely right now