Uncertain of what to do

[jeepfanatic]

Let me take the time now to thank anyone who may read through this entire post and/or respond. I will try to go into as much detail as I can without being overly verbose, but I have a feeling it will be somewhat long. Also, I'm not 100% certain that this is the best forum for this post but it seemed the best fit. If it better belongs somewhere else please let me know.

 

After about a month of building suspicions (various changes in her behavior including a huge increase in computer usage) that my girlfriend was cheating on me, I decided that I had to find out if something was going on. She had in the past given me the password to some of her email/other accounts online so on 8/18 I decided to login to her email to see if there was anything going on. What I discovered is that she had placed ads/profiles on multiple websites (craigslist, adult friend finder, etc...) looking for discrete sexual encounters and that she had been carrying on various levels of discourse with men (email, IM, voice calls and texting via cell phone). From reading the emails I discovered that she had met at least 3 of people who responded to the ads in person.

 

This would be a simple decision to make were it not for the fact that she's currently 6 months pregnant with my unborn son (before you ask - I am fairly certain that the child is mine). We were talking of getting married and given that she had some medical problems that may complicate/prevent a pregnancy if we waited we decided to conceive a child.

 

I was so upset/enraged that she would endanger myself, herself, and our unborn child by seeking out sex with people from the internet. I do not have words to properly express the pain and anguish that I've gone through in this ordeal.

 

I confronted her about the situation that day and she denies everything and lied to my face about the entire thing. Over the next 10 days I gave her two more opportunities to come clean about the entire thing. I felt that if she would admit what she did and ask me for forgiveness that I could forgive her and move on. She repeatedly continued to lie and deny everything.

 

(Something worth noting - my girlfriend has 4 children with her ex-husband to whom recently she lost custody due to abuse allegations - along with her appeal. I have only witnessed one incident in the 14 months we've been together that would raise any concern for physical abuse but in the last few months I've noticed an increase in what I would term verbal abuse towards the children when they visit every other weekend - i.e. put downs/insults and harsh unnecessary tones - something that I at first was attributing to pregnancy related hormones but now I'm somewhat more concerned.)

 

During this 10 day period or so I did a lot of research into child custody laws and such and decided that if I wanted to be able to be present when my son is born and to later have a better shot at obtaining custody of him that I should stay living with my girlfriend and not move out so that it would not appear as if I had abandoned them. She asked me to not move out so I did not.

 

It has been 5 days now since I decided not to move out and things between my girlfriend and me seem to be going well. I cutoff internet access at home (upon her request) and I have been monitoring her cell usage online and it appears that she has cut off communication with the men she was previously "conversing" with.

 

My problem is though that I'm uncertain of how I feel about her and what I'm going to do after the baby is born. I still love my girlfriend but I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that she has now repeatedly lied to me and that she felt the need to go behind my back.

 

I further examined the situation recently to try to identify where I could possibly place some of the blame for our situation on myself (I work 65 miles from home and stay at a friend's house a few nights a week to cut commute costs - so I'm not home all of the time - and also money has been very tight lately) but this doesn't justify what she did to me. Is it enough to move forward that she isn't doing this anymore but never having an apology for what she did? I also still have concerns related to the abusive language towards the other children and that she'd be that way towards my child.

 

So if this post makes any sense to anybody ... what should I do? Part of me wants to stay with her after the baby is born and hope that a part of her behavior issues lately has been hormone related but at the same time part of me feels deeply betrayed and that I need to protect my child by getting him out of a possibly harmful environment.

 

Again thanks to anyone who has managed to read and make sense of what I've said. There are details that I've left out but I think I got all of the most important ones down.

[karvala]

Welcome. I'm sorry you've had to experience this. It's a very difficult and I imagine very painful situation for you.

 

You missed out one important detail at least as far as I can see, which is that you didn't say very openly what happened if/when you finally confronted her with the evidence and she admitted to it? I gather that she merely shrugged it off with a "whatever" attitude and simply agreed to stop (for the time being), but you should probably fill us in on that, as how someone finally reacts says a lot about their character and the chances of them doing it again.

 

You also didn't mention much about her losing custody of her children. That's not something a court will do lightly and without good evidence; are you aware of the evidence, and were you at her failed appeal? Again, this says something important and unfortunately not flattering about her.

 

Anyway, the signs are there: she cheated repeatedly with different random guys while six months pregnant, she persistently lied about it, she's unapologetic after being found out and she's already abusive to her existing children to the point of losing custody and failing an appeal. You really want to spend your life with this?

 

Stay until the baby is born if you have the strength for it, though you don't need to remain part of a couple with her during that time, but then file for custody, take your child and leave (after first doing a paternity test; you may be certain that the child is yours, but so are the other 10% of all fathers who think the children they're raising are biologically theirs, when in fact they're not, and your gf hasn't exactly proven to be trustworthy.

 

I'm sorry you've had to be in this human tragedy, but if I were you, I'd leave the stage at the earliest opportunity.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think the big red flag here is that she has four children which she lost custody of due to abuse allegations.... then you made the decision 14mo into a relationship to concieve together?

 

By all means you want to have equal access to your child. I would contact an attorney... NOW before you are left scambling at the last minute. If you are unmarried some state require a paternatity test unless it is waived by the father. My ex knowing that the child was his (and is...) had to file a paper with the court stating he knew the child was his and he was waiving his right to paternity test.

 

Get your paternity test...

 

Get what you owe financially figured out in terms of support.

 

More and more courts are siding with biological fathers these days.... They chose the better parent... in her case... past behavior with her other children could weigh in on your case.

 

Let's say you decide you love her and stay with her... nothing with the attorney is set in stone but you were one smart cookie to cover your assests!

[jeepfanatic]

You missed out one important detail at least as far as I can see, which is that you didn't say very openly what happened if/when you finally confronted her with the evidence and she admitted to it?

 

...

 

You also didn't mention much about her losing custody of her children. That's not something a court will do lightly and without good evidence; are you aware of the evidence, and were you at her failed appeal? Again, this says something important and unfortunately not flattering about her.

 

When I confronted her about what I had found she became extremely upset/angry and shifted the argument to me having violated her privacy. She did not and to this day has not admitted to any inappropriate behavior. I should have also mentioned that during this entire ordeal before things calmed down she had threatened me that her ability to bond with the baby was directly related to how she felt about me and that as a result if needed she would give the baby up for adoption. (I spent days looking into to what I needed to do to prevent this should this possibility arise.)

 

As far as her losing the custody of the children. I was not able to attend any of the court proceedings (not for a lack of desire - I was at the hearing but was not allowed inside the court room and for some reason was never called in to testify). I did however get to read the transcript from the last hearing - not the appeal hearing - and didn't see anything that amounted to anything more than hearsay presented as evidence - in fact my girlfriend's attorney won most of the objections in the court room. The judge and Guardian Ad Litem however felt that circumstances had changed enough to warrant ending shared parenting and awarded primary custody to my girlfriend's ex.

 

I hope this answers the questions you raised adequately.

 

 

I think the big red flag here is that she has four children which she lost custody of due to abuse allegations.... then you made the decision 14mo into a relationship to concieve together?

 

We made the decision to conceive about 8 months into the relationship. We were talking about getting married. We spoke with our families about it first to get their blessings. Up to this point I had never seen anything that gave me cause for concern in regards to her behavior with the children.

[TechResQ]

Wow, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this! What should be a happy time for both of you has really turned upside down, hasn't it?

 

I think the biggest red flag here is the fact that she has still not admitted to the fact of her cheating. It sounds as though this woman is in COMPLETE denial! And how dare her threaten to place YOUR child up for adoption! Does she feel that you have no rights to your own son?

 

Sorry, this really makes me angry!

 

I agree that you should probably get yourself an attorney and also demand a paternity test (DNA evidence). If this truly is your child, you have rights...please don't forget that.

 

There are so many unanswered questions here. I think if I were in your shoes I would be simply demanding some truthful answers. Just my two cents.

 

Good luck to you.

 

God Bless.

[jeepfanatic]

And how dare her threaten to place YOUR child up for adoption! Does she feel that you have no rights to your own son?

 

Apparently she doesn't think I do seeing as she said so to me when I said to her that I did during our "discussion" on this issue. I looked into the law here in Ohio and aparently as long as we both sign an affidavit when the baby is born or if I file a motion with the court seeking to establish my paternity and the DNA test comes back positive then I'll have the same rights as if we were married.

 

I agree that you should probably get yourself an attorney and also demand a paternity test (DNA evidence). If this truly is your child, you have rights...please don't forget that.

 

I've been looking into getting an attorney just incase everything should go to hell then I'll have all my "legal ducks in a row" and be ready to go immediately.

 

There are so many unanswered questions here. I think if I were in your shoes I would be simply demanding some truthful answers. Just my two cents.

 

I've tried demanding answers and got only more lies and the threat that any further discussion would end things permanently.

 

I guess one of the problems I'm having is that while "riding things out" until the baby is born, I find myself still in love with her and feeling very guilty about what I've got to (should) do after he's born.

[TechResQ]

YOU have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. And as for still being in love with her, you can't just simple turn off feelings like a light switch.

 

Of course you still love her, you just hate what she has done.

 

I really do hate to say this, but I kind of get the feeling that if you really start digging into her personality and her past, you may be surprized at what you might find. I kind of think she has not been 100% honest with you from the get go. I don't know this for sure, but I would not be shocked. I hope that is not the case.

 

I think it's great you are getting your ducks in a row...just in case. That is very smart.

 

Protect yourself and protect your relationship with your unborn son.

 

one more thing...do not let her turn the tables and dictate to you what will and will not be. She has no right to threaten you with anything. You have backed her into a corner and she is lashing out because she knows she's been caught red handed. Her idle threats are just that...idle.

[Bren402]

Although things seem to be ok for the time being, you knowing she did what she did, and her denying it, will never give you peace.

 

Cutting off internet access and checking her cell phone does not mean she has stopped doing what she's done - ESPECIALLY if she lied about it after being confronted. If she was serious about stopping that behavior, she would have come clean with you. You seem to be smart and right on top of things. Finding out the truth about your gf and still being in love with her despite it all, has put a fog around you. I'm glad you're protecting yourself and making appropriate plans. They should be in your favor. Best of luck!

[jeepfanatic]

YOU have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. And as for still being in love with her, you can't just simple turn off feelings like a light switch.

 

Oh were it only that simple.

 

I know that I need to stay with my girlfriend for now so that I can be there for the birth of my son and so that it holds off any possibilities for her giving up my son for adoption before I'm established legally as the father (without having to go to court which I can't afford). But I can't help feeling like I'm doing something bad/wrong by deceiving her. I was raised believing that one lie doesn't justify another and I'm having trouble dealing with this. I remind myself that I'm doing it in my son's best interests but that doesn't make me feel like any less of a jerk.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm sorry.... It sounds like she is a terrible mother and a terrible choice to be the mother of your child.

 

Your first task is to gather evidence of her infidelities in the event you get into a custody fight with her, since that goes to establish character. Since she has lost custody of her other children, you will have a large amount of legal evidence from that as well.

 

But the court has to decide this independently, and most likely she will have custody while the child is an infant, until you can file papers and win the case, unless there is evidence of physical abuse.

 

Go to the courthouse and see if you can obtain the records of the divorce/child custody case to review to see if she does physically abuse the children. If so, you will need a court order in advance of the birth such that she can't take the child alone away from the hospital and injure it.

 

Your focus now needs to be solely on protecting the child from her should she be proven to be a danger to it. I would definitely consult an attorney about how to handle this situation.

 

I would also definitely order a paternity test, because if you know of 3 or 4 men she was meeting up with, there could be a lot more you don't know about and there could be a larger chance than you think that you are not the father.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but i do think you need to cut your losses as soon as the child is born. She obviously is a liar and a cheat, and an abuser to boot. Please in future be more careful of the women you choose, as her losing custody of 4 children for abuse should have been a huge cue that she is someone with major problems, and definitely not someone to procreate with.

[Rabican]

First off I would demand a paternity test when the kid is born. That may sound callous and untrusting... but tough crap she invited that herself.

 

Secondly, I do not think I would give her a second chance... If it were me I would probably tell her that I would hold up my end and pay for child support etc. and want to be part of the kids life, ie either full or partial custody... but forget planning a marriage or anything with this chick... at least not for a long long time of her proving she isnt doing this anymore.

 

And you should not be required to monitor her activities... she should be going out of her way to make sure theres nothing going on and for you to see this... without having to babysit her.