blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Broke up 1.5 years ago. We have had four dates in the last month. NC/LC between dates. Had an amazing date ten days ago (we were very close). I asked if there was a chance, he said yes. I haven't heard from him since. He's very passive and has minor signs of ADHD. I want to break NC so bad, just send a little text that says, "Good morning. Hope you have a good week." Maybe I need to get the ball rolling again? He's very passive. He may be hesitant to contact me for fear that I will be disappointed in him or that I will be mad at him for staying away so long. thereforee, he may be avoiding conflict. If I send him a text, he will know that I'm not upset, and that he can return without being "in trouble." Then, on the other hand I feel like I'm rewarding his behavior!! I will be sending the message that it's ok for him not to talk with me for almost two weeks, and yes, I'm still here. I do believe it's his turn to initiate. He knows I'm open to a reconcililation. However, I have given him his space. It would just be a simple, light-hearted text. Nothing heavy. And I feel like if he doesn't reply to my text it will be the closure I need to move on from him. What do you suggest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I would suggest you do it and then see what happens..this once. In other words, if you end up going on another date and then he pulls the same silent treatment again, then wash your hands of him. Was the silent treatment part of his modus operandi when you were a couple previously? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mending 08 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 BD, it is odd that you had such a great date and then no word at all from him. But...he knows where to find you as well. Before this ..was he initiating contact or were you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 For whatever reason, it seems he's not really that into this right now. Are you really sure he isn't just meeting up for sex now and again and stringing you along while he looks for someone new? Saying that 'maybe' there's a chance but then disappearing for long stretches really is no guarantee of anything. You have to decide how little you are willing to accept before you decide it is not enough for you. And if you want more, you have to ask him for more and see if he'll give it to you or not. Lots of people will agree to a nebulous non-relationship after a breakup if it gets them sex or makes them feel secure while looking for someone new. If this pace is OK with you then do nothing, but if you want more, be careful that you don't do this for a long time only to hear he's now dating someone new. Giving him space should be about giving him time to make a decision, not just infinitely have no real relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poloace Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 man... this whole NC thing gets old after a while. why can't we just sack up sometimes, tell someone that we want them in our lives again... and do romantic things to make it work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 man... this whole NC thing gets old after a while. why can't we just sack up sometimes, tell someone that we want them in our lives again... and do romantic things to make it work? Who's stopping you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I agree with "CAD", send him one text only, and see if there's any interest. I wouldn't wait around after doing that, and wonder if you should make another move to "get the ball rolling", as he'll either show interest, or he won't. I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like he's jumping through hoops to get back with you, since he hasn't contacted you in 10 days after that last date. I'm not saying this is happening, but don't put yourself in a position to be his booty call, because you'll end up much more hurt in the end. Wishing you the best... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delmo Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I was really struggling earlier, contemplating whether or not break NC and dreamguy posted these links for me. They really helped strengthen my resolve. Hope they help others too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Something that I repeat on these boards quite a bit is this... Before breaking NC, you must ask yourself the following questions: What do you think would be the best possible outcome of breaking NC? Now, what do you think the odds are of getting that outcome? How will you feel if you don't get your ideal outcome? How will you feel if you have a good conversation but at the end of it, nothing has changed? How will you feel if you have a bad conversation? How will you feel if your contact is ignored? If you can be honest with yourself, take into account the above questions and still believe that you will feel OK after making contact....then go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IMAbadman Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 You know if you two are dating why not contact him. Open the lines of communication. If after a period your the only one making any attempt then you need to reexamine the situation. Make sure he's not using you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Was the silent treatment part of his modus operandi when you were a couple previously? When we were a couple, no. After we broke-up 1.5 years ago, we continued to go on some dates (five total). All dates were initiated by me. We had a lot of fun on each date, and then he would disappear. Finally, on the fifth date I said that I would like to be a couple of again. He said he was scared. I said that I was scared too, and said that if he wants to see me again he would have to initiate the contact. I never heard from him again until we ran into each other at the store a month ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 ...and said that if he wants to see me again he would have to initiate the contact. There's your answer bd....the ball is in his court and he knows it. Contacting him, IMHO, won't achieve anything positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Before this ..was he initiating contact or were you? We both were, but it was very LC. First two dates were fabulous. Third date I felt some distance, but he was tired. After third date I asked why we were hanging out. Was there a chance for reconciliation. He said yes. Fourth date was the following night after that conversation. It was the best date yet. We were very close, loving and affectionate. I thought it was a turning point. Then NC from him. I just assumed he was trying to figure things out so I have been giving him his space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Are you really sure he isn't just meeting up for sex now and again and stringing you along while he looks for someone new? I'm postitive. He hasn't had a girlfriend since me. He went on a few dates over the past 1.5 years. His last date was 9 months (before me). I know he has feelings he wouldn't spend time with me if he didn't. I just don't know if they're strong enough for him to lay his heart on the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 And if you want more, you have to ask him for more and see if he'll give it to you or not. If this pace is OK with you then do nothing, but if you want more, be careful that you don't do this for a long time only to hear he's now dating someone new. The night before our fourth date, I asked why we were spending time together. I asked if there was a chance for us, and he said yes. I also said that it would make me happy to have a little more interaction between seeing each other. He said he understood. I was prepared to walk away if he said we would never get back together again. The next night (Weds), we had this amazing date. Friday, he sent me a text wishing me a wonderful day. Saturday, I texted saying that I would like to see him before he works nights (he works first five nights of the month). He didn't reply, and nothing since. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like he's jumping through hoops to get back with you, since he hasn't contacted you in 10 days after that last date. I'm not saying this is happening, but don't put yourself in a position to be his booty call, because you'll end up much more hurt in the end. You're right, he isn't jumping through hoops. This is why I have been giving him space. I wanted to see if he would come to be on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Quote: Originally Posted by blue_dahlia ...and said that if he wants to see me again he would have to initiate the contact. There's your answer bd....the ball is in his court and he knows it. Contacting him, IMHO, won't achieve anything positive. Hi Majord, that was 1.5 years ago, after our break-up. It wasn't recently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 You are initiating everything here. you won't know his true mind until you stop intiating and see what he does. If he never calls you on his own and never takes it forward, then deep down he doesn't really want it. He may be lonely and enjoy the occasional contact, but this could be a case of him saying to himself, if i don't intiate it, then i'm not leading her on (as in he's not sure he wants it and hence will only respond to be polite, not because he really wants it to go forward). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I was really struggling earlier, contemplating whether or not break NC and dreamguy posted these links for me. They really helped strengthen my resolve. Thank you, I will read these. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 You are initiating everything here. I'm not intiating everything here? It has been mutual with slightly more on my end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Hi Majord, that was 1.5 years ago, after our break-up. It wasn't recently. Apologies, I see now. Regardless, as BSBH has said - you appear to be the one who is initiating everything here. You need to leave this with him and give him a chance to miss you. If you continue to initiate everything, why would he feel the need to start making an effort? Give him something unexpected....an extended period of silence from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I'm not intiating everything here? It has been mutual with slightly more on my end. Initiating does not just refer to contact. I guarantee that you have more invested in this than him at the moment. Time to step back and see what he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Ugh! I'm @ work and can't have this site up, and I just sent him a text. Now I wish I could take it back LOL Oh well. From it, I will move forward. I wish I just stayed in NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Initiating does not just refer to contact. I guarantee that you have more invested in this than him at the moment. You're right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Ugh! I'm @ work and can't have this site up, and I just sent him a text. Now I wish I could take it back LOL Oh well. From it, I will move forward. I wish I just stayed in NC. Don't beat yourself up about it, what's done is done. Do remember that feeling of wishing you hadn't done it though....it might come in handy next time. Chin up. You'll be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.