jenna981 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Dumpers... If you have dumped someone you've been serious with a long time (years) and feel you have to dump the person because you simply don't feel the same anymore. No one cheated, there was no one else on either side. You just didn't feel in love anymore or felt they changed. If the other person still cares and feels the same, is there anything the other person could do to convince you to work things out? If the other person was willing to try and become a better person, would you think twice? Just wondering what people that dump the other feels; if they feel bad things didn't workout, why don't they try to make things work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bih2003 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 hmm, I guess they really dont feel bad afterall if they dont try to work things out in the end. If a person decides they just dont wanna be with u , u just have to accept it without showing any sign that you are destroyed over it. Move on with your life, it will be hard I am not saying its a piece of cake... love is like an addiction you have to get rid of the addiction if the other person doesnt want you to be addicted to him/her. People evaluate their lives every day and at the end they conclude if u or them is really for u or him/her. I guess sometimes you have to be happy that they leave before because obviously it wasnt meant to be. its all in god's hands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pianoguy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Dumpers... If you have dumped someone you've been serious with a long time (years) and feel you have to dump the person because you simply don't feel the same anymore. No one cheated, there was no one else on either side. You just didn't feel in love anymore or felt they changed. If the other person still cares and feels the same, is there anything the other person could do to convince you to work things out? If the other person was willing to try and become a better person, would you think twice? Just wondering what people that dump the other feels; if they feel bad things didn't workout, why don't they try to make things work? Well, personally I was bored to tears with my relationship. I was tired of working at it- that's all we were doing was working, there was no fun or joy or anything in it. I'm not very happy being single, but I'm no where near as miserable as I was in the relationship. My ex is a good guy, but I really can't see myself taking him back under pretty much any circumstance. At the very least, a lot of time would have to pass and I'd have to date a lot of other people in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 well i guess the key is that if no one did anything wrong in the relationship but one party just fell out of love, then there's really not much you can do to convince them IMO other than perhaps give them time to see that the grass isn't always greener. If your ex pinpointed particular reasons as to why he fell out of love then maybe you could address those reasons, but sometimes there is no reason........the spark just disappears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenna981 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 He did point out some valid, and some not 100% valid reasons. Towards the end we'd do things just to piss each other off, and it became a cycle and he thought I changed and did things before just to impress him. I guess my original question was asking if the dumper seen the person they dumped doing good and improving if it would make them think about trying again with them? I'm not doing anything to improve for him, just doing them simply because I have to. But I do miss him and wish I still had in my life. I've been NC a few weeks now and I've thought things out alot. I'm thinking of breaking NC soon and trying to play it friendly and seeing how we communicate. I think I'm at the point the outcome won't really make me better or worse, but I'd like to make the best of my efforts anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emalkoc Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 You have to realize...when someone breaks with someone, it usually the attraction gets lost...Read MajorD's posts. If one of my ex's came back and look more attractive than before, I would say "wow" but the reality is that the attraction dies in very quickly and the logic sets in and someone has to do serious personality changes to fit you right back in...which is almost to NONE! So, dont change yourself for a dumper! be yourself as if and find someone to accept you as is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 i guess it depends on those reasons. if they are small, trivial things, then i really don't think they were reasons for the break-up......no one is perfect and he was probably trying to look for an excuse as to why his feelings for you diminished. If the reasons were more serious like lack of trust, respect, lying etc then sure, they are things that you need to change before you enter any relationship. but things like not making the bed in the morning, leaving crumbs after making a sandwhich etc are not really valid reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve 7745 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 An apology, if necessary. That would be an excellent start. A willingness to respect me would be another good one. If I tell someone "No," or "Please stop that," I mean it. It isn't play time. It's a boundary and I don't want it crossed. More forthcoming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Rose Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Positive Change..... Confidence Self Awareness Consideration of anothers feelings LISTENING Remembering that we are both individuals, working together, opinions may differ but we have the same goal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'm sorry to say that nothing short of a lobotomy would make me go back to anyone I broke up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve 7745 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'm sorry to say that nothing short of a lobotomy would make me go back to anyone I broke up with. Do most or all your relationships end in such a way that you would never consider returning to them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenna981 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Well..after 3 1/2 weeks NC I left a VM message, think I was too nervous to let it ring, and he did call back. I guess it's a good sign he called back the same day and even wanted to talk after our last talk. I thanked him for letting me keep his computer which I didn't have a chance to do with all the after breakup chaos. I think it's more what happened after the breakup that really ruined things. Is it better to remain friendly and communicate for awhile before asking to try again? I know if I ask to try again right now he's going to say "but I'm working so much and almost working 7 days a week," etc... I can't really of think anything to say to that..I could say we made it work before, but that's not too convincing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldplay. Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Well..after 3 1/2 weeks NC I left a VM message, think I was too nervous to let it ring, and he did call back. I guess it's a good sign he called back the same day and even wanted to talk after our last talk. I thanked him for letting me keep his computer which I didn't have a chance to do with all the after breakup chaos. I think it's more what happened after the breakup that really ruined things... Is it better to remain friendly and communicate for awhile before asking to try again? Im not really sure, i get such mixed messages from people on this board, on one end i see alot of success stories with people who did take initiative, then others saying that initiative is the wrong thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spion_kop Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 It's not about taking initiative or not taking it but more so about doing it when the time is right and knowing how to do it right. You cant just take the initiative after a few weeks or even a few months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mayday11 Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 It's not about taking initiative or not taking it but more so about doing it when the time is right and knowing how to do it right. You cant just take the initiative after a few weeks or even a few months. Precisely! There's absolutely nothing wrong with the dumpee taking the initiative with the dumper. However, this should only be done after the dumpee has taken the time to heal themselves and get to a point where they'll be able to brush off another potential rejection and keep moving forward in life. Taking the initiative when you're still very hurt and emotional from the breakup is a terrible idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldplay. Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Precisely! There's absolutely nothing wrong with the dumpee taking the initiative with the dumper. However, this should only be done after the dumpee has taken the time to heal themselves and get to a point where they'll be able to brush off another potential rejection and keep moving forward in life. Taking the initiative when you're still very hurt and emotional from the breakup is a terrible idea. i agree with you now that you mention it, i guess i havnet read enough to even vaguely see when(even if not now) would be the "right time" or even "how to do it right" would be. But none the less, we seem to have two fundamentally different thoughts here, for example Major who is a well "major" contributor, seems to have a more passive approach to this(when i say passive i leave it very vague, i believe it goes alot deeper). While others have a more proactive one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenna981 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Tried calling him again today and he didn't call back. It was sorta an honest reason to call, left a VM asking about his family in TX and if they got hit by the hurricane. He could be busy or feel he talked to me a few days ago and doesn't want to get my hopes up talking to me too much. Since he might be scared to call me that I might start going off about the breakup again and stuff, I also sent an email telling him I'm sorry for being a pain calling and texting so much the months before and that I'm no longer feeling any anger or hurt towards him. Guess I'll just wait and see now. I mentioned I feel alot of damage was done after the breakup....I called a bunch of times everyday, texts, long boring emails... I guess I need to figure a way to get on his good side again. I know he had alot of doubts breaking up with me in the beginning..at one point I thought we were already broken up, but he overheard a conversation when I was on the phone with a friend and me telling the friend "me and my ex went to this place"... and later he said that's when it was over when I called him my ex..but I thought he broke up with me already by then. Later that day, he said some friends said he wouldn't be good bf material because he works so much and he cried later that night. alhough he says he was just in the process of thinking about breaking up before I called him my ex. Maybe it was just an excuse to finally break up and I'm grasping on to some hope? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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