Having alot of trouble today

[mr me]

I had a weird night last night. I was doing really good and really felt like i was going to be ok. I finally see myself getting away from holding on to everything. I dont want to think about her anymore or even think of ever being with her. Its just the loneliness right now is overwhelming. Ive always been really lonely from being the only child in a divorce. I am the only guy in my house with alot of girls. I have people that i kinda consider friends but all that really means is we hang out once and awhile. Ive never had a best friend and my first ex was that. Its still crazy because its like i cant believe she really was the way she was. I didnt see alot of it until it was over and am still not doing that good with that. I almost never talk to anyone thru my whole day. Im really introverted and im not a social person really. Its just if im around the right type of people for me im like a totally different person. Its just im almost never like that.

 

I used to feel like that everyday i was with my ex. Its like we could talk forever and we never got bored of each other. Its just she was abused growing up and after awhile it just kept on getting worse being with her. I always tried to keep the relationship going but it was really all me. I just didnt know what was going on at all but i just kept trying to be a good person and try to help her or do stuff. Its just that our relationship was so toxic and i was just getting sick. At the end, she was a completely different person and it was pretty much impossible to deal with because i couldnt get it. Im now trying to get over the pain and the abusive tendencies that i went thru. Its like now im even more like her and am going thru alot of the stuff that she was doing when i was with her. Its hard to still have like a really screwed up connection with someone because of what they did to you.

 

Shes done stuff that there is no going back to and i almost really lost it trying to continue to fix her mistakes or do something to help her. Its just im not even with her anymore but im still sometimes feel like im stuck dealing with the break-up because it was the craziest thing i ever went. I just blanked out and couldnt remember anything. All i could remember was all the stuff she did leading up to it. So i was like possessed to get back with her but i would keep telling myself that i didnt want to go back to her after what she did. So now im like always confused with how i feel. Ive never felt so good and so bad right now because of how im doing. Its like all today i was like really wanting to get into a relationship but im definitely not in the shape to get into one. I just feel like i need to have at least that feeling like i could if i really wanted to because of how much ive been feeling like i couldnt. I can barely deal with myself most of the time so i have no idea how i could be with anyone else especially with the stuff ive gone thru in my past with the girls ive liked. Its like i try to be good but most of my life ive had to go thru really crazy stuff so it really causes alot of damage. I dont know i just guess i need to continue writing here because things seem to really stress me out when things change. I didnt write yesterday so idk but im glad i wrote today.

[mr me]

Im actually doing pretty good right now. I saw myself out of the victim stage when i was writing this. Its still kinda crazy because idk if something else could trigger me like before because it was like if anything brought back anything related to here i would just get super depressed. I still see like in my head the thoughts are still there but ive learned to idk if its let go or just move on with my thoughts. I always felt like i needed to fix it somehow because of how bad it was for me but it didnt work like that. I even see myself right now trying to go back to the victim stage because of how its what im used to but im good with how things are now. It was just like such a crazy shock with everything.