What to say?

[civilservant]

You,

 

I wish I had the guts to say this to your face, I wish I had the self confidence to stride up to you and tell you like it is, but the truth is I don't so I'm writing this simply to tell you how I feel.

 

The last few months have been terrible for me, but since we've begun speaking again I've felt like that old spark between us is still there. Perhaps it's something that never left, perhaps I've crazy for even thinking about it, but I miss talking to you and the sound of your voice.

 

The simple fact is this, I'll spell it out for you: I'm still crazy about you. That may sound scary, it may not be the thing you want to hear, but it's the truth and I needed to say it. If you want to run a mile now that's ok, and don't think you owe me anything, but I need you to know.

 

We've spoke as friends, but I can't do that with you when I feel this way. You make me laugh, make me smile, make me think and make me a better person just by being around. Maybe in time when I've gotover this we could be friends, I'd like that, but for certain right now it'd do me more harm then good.

 

So this is the last you'll hear from me, unless you want to contact me, because I don't want to bother you again. Thanks for reading this, and in advance, I wish you the very best for the future.

 

Take care,

CS

[jettison]

You're not going to send that are you?

[civilservant]

LOL, no I'm not Jettison.

 

Out of curiosity though, opinions?

[jettison]

I think it's honest, genuine, and thoughtful. Basically, it's all the things that your ex doesn't need to hear or know about. ;-)

[civilservant]

Yeah I guess you're right, but I think I need a reason to break contact with her. I need something to finally purge her from the system. The problem is that she's certainly got in my head, and I want to ger her out!!!

[jettison]

There's nothing quite like dating someone new to get the ex out of your system... at least for a little while. Otherwise, just give it time. The state you're in right now is just plain dangerous though. The more over-the-top you are with your affinity for her, and the more she senses this from you, the less and less romantic she's going to feel toward you. And then part of the reason you feel so crazy about her is her willingness to reject you. Nothing gets us off quite like those who are willing to reject us.

 

 

Yeah I guess you're right, but I think I need a reason to break contact with her. I need something to finally purge her from the system. The problem is that she's certainly got in my head, and I want to ger her out!!!

[civilservant]

Yep I guess you're right, I'm jus fed up of being like this. Especially since my best friend (who works with her) has said how much happier she has seemed at work since we've started talking again.

 

Time to get back on the horse and go NC again I think.

[jettison]

If you dig her that much then that's not the way. If it's deliberately NC then it's going to be obvious that you're just going NC because it hurts you too much to talk to her, but not be with her. This reinforces the idea to her that she's so important to you that you're losing your marbles and can't deal. This kind of NC doesn't work. NC only really works when the other person imagines that you're truly moving on or forgetting about them. LC is fine. But if you go LC then it has to be the right kind.

 

Think flippant. There is no need to be crass, or a jerk, but merely flippant can go a long, long way. An example would be to ask her to set you up with one of her friends that you think is cute. Something like...

 

"Hey, I hope you don't think this is too weird, but I think your friend Tabitha is really cute. Any chance you could put in a good word for me?"

 

If she doesn't balk, and goes with it then, who knows, maybe you get a date with one of her cute friends. And if she balks and says, "Uh, that's just not appropriate" then your response is "Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know what the guidelines are to this 'friendship' thing are yet. No big deal. I just thought she was cute. I don't have to date her."

 

This is ok because, truly, there is no such thing as "friendship" here, and you both know it. You stay close with her because, romantically, you're crazy about her, and you want to get back together. She stays in it because it feeds her ego in extraordinary ways to have some guy be so hung up on her. Ego boost + saftey net = no reason for her to go anywhere.

 

You would not be doing this to make her jealous, however. That's not it. You're doing it to enforce the idea that you are not playing off of her. You are not waiting for her to do or say something. You are your own man, with your own wants and needs, and you are going to take action to make that happen .

 

Yep I guess you're right, I'm jus fed up of being like this. Especially since my best friend (who works with her) has said how much happier she has seemed at work since we've started talking again.

 

Time to get back on the horse and go NC again I think.

[civilservant]

Good advice, however while that's a fantastic idea I she dosen't have any friends around here (she took a job from out of county to be here) so that's out

 

To be honest the only contact we have is over the phone, the last time I saw her to speak to was back in july.

 

Any other ideas on flippant LC I could apply? You're right up there with Superdave jettison

[bijoux27]

It's sweet. But I'd leave out this part:

That may sound scary, it may not be the thing you want to hear, but it's the truth and I needed to say it. If you want to run a mile now that's ok, and don't think you owe me anything, but I need you to know.

 

And maybe this, though I don't know your whole situation:

 

So this is the last you'll hear from me, unless you want to contact me, because I don't want to bother you again. Thanks for reading this, and in advance, I wish you the very best for the future.

[civilservant]

Thanks bijoux.

 

I can understand the second part being left out, but, out of curiosity, whats wrong with the first part?

[jettison]

Hmmm, that's tough. Well, start talking about your life, and what's going on in your life as a central theme in your conversations. Don't make it about her. Be a little self-centered for a change. And as always in these situations, making her realize that she's not on that pedestal anymore can be accomplished simply by openly talking about your attraction for other women. In your mind, you're thinking, "Well, if she hears me talking about other women, and imagines my focus is no longer on her, then it's going to kill the idea that I'm crazy about her, and she's just going to lose interest in this all together."

 

Actually, what will happen is that she'll grow a newfound respect for you because she'll realize that you're no longer hung up on her in the same way, but at the same time, you like her and want to talk to her. And when she senses that the ex is no longer in pining mode, and further, may actually be pining for some other woman, her ego will take a hit. She'll realize that she's going to have to reach out more to you in order to keep your attention.

 

EDIT: Also, remember that these interactions have to be genuine. You're not faking this because that stuff won't ever work. You need to actually find some interest and intrigue in other women. That's important for you. It's also important not to be afraid to be honest with her about who you are and what you're doing, and truly, who you are includes your life and other people. Your wants and desires aren't off limits. She'll respect you for being open even if it puts her off in the short term.

 

 

Good advice, however while that's a fantastic idea I she dosen't have any friends around here (she took a job from out of county to be here) so that's out

 

To be honest the only contact we have is over the phone, the last time I saw her to speak to was back in july.

 

Any other ideas on flippant LC I could apply? You're right up there with Superdave jettison

[bijoux27]

Thanks bijoux.

 

I can understand the second part being left out, but, out of curiosity, whats wrong with the first part?

 

I just think that, it shows indecisiveness, and it gives the other person too much power. Whether or not she likes you, or whether or not you still want to be with her, be sure and firm about what you say. If I got that e-mail, I would want that part to be left out.

[civilservant]

Now that is a great idea... which I think may well become applied in the not too distant future. When we talk on the phone at the moment it does all seem to be about her, because her relative isn't well and various other things. I do joke about her with other blokes though in that sort of manner, purely because I don't know where I stand with her.

 

Also, she knows that I have someone on the back buner that has been telling me she cares about me for the last year or more (not interested- and not a pleasent story) The fact is though that I have had alot to say about my life, because I've accompished alot for myself in the last 4 months. Holiday of a lifetime booked, training as a volunteer with the samaritans etc. So I think in effect some of these things are in motion. Still, waiting is something no one likes!

 

I hate this whole game playing thing, I just wish we humans would say what we mean!

[civilservant]

I just think that, it shows indecisiveness, and it gives the other person too much power. Whether or not she likes you, or whether or not you still want to be with her, be sure and firm about what you say. If I got that e-mail, I would want that part to be left out.

 

Fair enough, so do you agree with the legend? Oops, sorry, I mean jettison

[bijoux27]

I agree with him for the most part. However if I had broken up with someone and they seemed to be getting over me and/or talking about other girls...I would keep my ex as just friends or even less. I would give up on anything romantic for sure. This isn't hypothetical, it's how I've done things in the past..

[civilservant]

Fair enough, hoe can you agree when you're saying the oppisite to him?

 

So do you have any suggestions on how to play this?

[jettison]

This is more then just possible. That may be what she does. But at the same time, since she broke up with you, and made a conscious, metered decision to end the romance, she is already "keeping you as just a friend". And as she knows very well that you're crazy about her, and yet she does nothing to push toward a reconciliation, there is nothing to lose.

 

If she loses you to some other woman then it's going to be pretty obvious to her that this happened because...

 

a) She broke up with you.

 

b) She never bothered to verbalize wanting you back even though she knew that you still wanted to be with her.

 

What's not going to happen is that this is suddenly going to be your fault because you had the nerve to try to move on and work actively for your personal happiness after being dumped.

 

I agree with him for the most part. However if I had broken up with someone and they seemed to be getting over me and/or talking about other girls...I would keep my ex as just friends or even less. I would give up on anything romantic for sure. This isn't hypothetical, it's how I've done things in the past..

[bijoux27]

Fair enough, hoe can you agree when you're saying the oppisite to him?

I agree with what he says in some situations...but I think it's too much game-playing for a relationship with someone you feel strongly about. It can work with an ex depending on the situation...I just have never experienced this desire to get back with someone after they have gone for another girl. Sure I could be jealous or sad, but it would never motivate me to get back with them.

 

So do you have any suggestions on how to play this?

 

I haven't read many of your other threads, I'll go check them out, but right now the only advice I can give is to be real. It's more fulfilling to go through situations with a clean heart, no manipulating. Even if you were rejected, I have the belief that getting over it will be easier and more healthy for you in the long run, than to play games.

[jettison]

This would be fair if you were actually playing a game. However, "playing a game" could also be considered having feelings for someone, but then not bothering to verbalize them. And playing a game could be holding someone very close to you, and enjoying this faux emotional relationship, but never allowing the person to get close enough to you to consumate an actual relationship.

 

Playing games would be talking about other women that you're not even interested in. Or, it would mean saying something to your ex for the specific reason of making her jealous. Those are games. Not playing games means being honest about what you are and what you're doing. Since love has sooo much to do with who we are, and since loves defines us as individuals, not talking about the love in your life is really just repressing who you are for this person. In short, you are not being honest. You are not being genuine. You are withholding.

 

I'm merely saying that you should be who you are, whoever you are, and that if you can't be who you are around someone, be it friend, lover, or ex lover, then really, you're just "playing a game". It means that you're employing your social mask for the sake of appearances. You are puting on airs in order to breath.

 

DO NOT just start rambling on about sex or something like that. That is lame. Do, however, talk about your life the way you would talk about your life with any other friend or family member. Don't hide who you are simply because she is "The Ex".

 

I agree with what he says in some situations...but I think it's too much game-playing for a relationship with someone you feel strongly about. It can work with an ex depending on the situation...I just have never experienced this desire to get back with someone after they have gone for another girl. Sure I could be jealous or sad, but it would never motivate me to get back with them.

 

 

 

I haven't read many of your other threads, I'll go check them out, but right now the only advice I can give is to be real. It's more fulfilling to go through situations with a clean heart, no manipulating. Even if you were rejected, I have the belief that getting over it will be easier and more healthy for you in the long run, than to play games.

[bijoux27]

Is this the lady who you were FWB with? If you think it could work out with her, then you really do need for her to show you that she wants you, rather than you blurting this out at first. She has to want you, and she has to know she wants you, before you can drop this bomb. Otherwise I don't see how it could help.

 

If she asks you how you feel about her, then be honest and tell her everything you wish to say, because I would guess that it means she has an interest in you and possibly getting back with her. Be friends for now.

[civilservant]

I think in hindsight the FWB moniker was actually really untrue. We might not have been in a full on r.ship but do FWB speak on the phone for 2 hours at a time? Do they walk the dog and go to the pub together?

 

I dont think so, but maybe I'm wrong.

[civilservant]

Any other opinions? Am I mad to want to do this?

[donebeingtheother1]

Hey Civil.... I feel the same way .... as you wrote in the post. You are either with her all the way... or not at all. All or nothing.... I feel the same way. If your going to tease me... I don't want to know your voice and will forget your face. And please me... is not FWB... that's still a tease in my book. If I can't have it all, I will survive with nothing, as I did before she came along. I seem to always remember the great when I had her all.... sucks when my close friends remind me of the havoc I allowed her to put me through. Someday she will get that karma train... and someday when the time is right, I will feel that love that seems like one in a million. Just can't push of look to hard... it shows up when you least expect it.