Indecision

[bewilderment]

I am worried about the fact that I have the HARDEST time making decisions. My whole life I think I have been making decisions based upon what my family thinks I should do, so here I am NOT happy with how my life has turned out. Specifically, my marriage is not going well, and I tried to divorce, only to get back together with my husband mainly because of my parents' disapproval.

 

I think about my whole childhood and how my mother was never encouraging of my ideas or interests. My father barely spoke to me as a teenager, and is still extremely distant. I know I lack a lot of self confidence about my abilities.

 

Although I am very unhappy in my marriage, my mother just tells me I need to "stick it out" with my husband because we now have two children.

 

I just feel so incapable of making my own decisions and feeling good about ones I do make. This is also true in my career and most everything in my life.

 

Has anyone else ever had this problem or have any suggestions how to conquer it?

[arwen]

It takes practice. I think you find it hard because you are afraid of disapproval. So what you have to learn, is that 1. disapproval hurts and sucks but 2. that never making your own decisions and working on your own happiness is much worse. The first, no matter how painful, is empowering, because you take control over your life. You seem stuck in a comfort zone- the one in which you are scared of being rejected based on your own choices.

 

Do you feel that your marriage is beyond repair, and that you will never be able to be happy in it? Then start the process and stick through. It has to be a decision that YOU make. If this is too big of a decision to make, why not start practicing decision-making at work? Can you get guidance in your job, i.e. training of being assertive and such?

[bewilderment]

I am currently a stay at home mom. I was working full time last year, but felt my boss was not supportive of my decisions on how to manage my staff. I have always felt that I am a fair person and have a lot of common sense and tried to incorporate this in my decision making with my employees. For example, when someone was consistently late or breaking the rules, was insubordinate, wasn't a team player, I would try to take the necessary steps as a manager and use appropriate progressive discipline. My boss started listening to one of my employees instead of trusting me. THIS did not help my confidence at all. I was frustrated and felt my boss had lost all faith in me. I was pregnant at the time, and decided to leave my job after I had my daughter.

 

As far as my marriage, we have been to counseling, and I truly feel we are just not a good match. We have such different interests, came from completely different backgrounds, and argue over almost everything, except how much we love our kids.

I haven't wanted to have sex with him in almost a year, I wish I dream about meeting someone else all of the time.

 

I have asked him to separate again many times (we reconiciled two years ago), but he says he doesn't want to be away from the kids, so I let him sleep on the couch downstairs. It is really sad, and I feel guilty. Also, I have been trying to find a job since things are also falling apart financially. I just feel that my inability to confidently make good decisions is the result of so much of the wrong in my life.

[arwen]

I just feel that my inability to confidently make good decisions is the result of so much of the wrong in my life.

 

Could it be the other way around though?

[Butterflygrl]

Yes, you are made to feel guilty. You have to go to counseling so you can have someone help with this need in you to pacify everyone and hold things in. Then you can see your marriage for what it is or isn't. You have to get rid of your own emotional baggage before you can make your own decision. A good counselor will provide you tools to do this.

The worse thing that could happen is that you end up doing something like cheating on him if you don't get help because you are so unhappy. I feel terrible for you, because i can imagine the pain you must be in. You just want to be happy and live the life you want for yourself. Go see a therapist so you can get clarity.

[bewilderment]

Arwen,

I guess I haven't wanted to blame my situation for how I feel, but blame myself for putting myself in this situation. I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them. Commitment to jobs have been a problem for me. Maybe because I have not been doing what I really want, but also because I lack confidence in my professional potential and am afraid of failing. I do remember vividly feeling unintelligent in school, my grades were o.k. up until highschool. I was very social as a distraction to my academic failures.

 

One thing I feel confident about is parenting. I love being with my children and teaching them to be interesting, good people. However, I know I need to work to be independent, and soon.

 

Butterflygrl - I know I need counseling, but we are struggling financially and have terrible health insurance. I will try to see if there is some volunteer counseling or Christian place I can go to. Thank you for your advice.