My life at 41

[blackie]

I am writing this post in the hopes that some of you out there can help me. I turned 41 this year and i have never had a girlfriend or relationship of anykind. I have managed maybe 6 actual dates in my life. This fact bothers me all the time. I'm not ugly or a horrible person. I have friends and something of social life so I don't understand why this happeneing.

 

The real problem is that I have met someone who I think is special. It had been ten years since I had seen last, but when we spoke last ( about a month ago), everything I felt for her came back at once. I am going out to see her in a week and try to make something happen. While I feel the odds are against anything happening, I feel that if I don't try it will a greater failure.

 

I know that I am an unsual person. Whenever I take those psycological test

like the Myers Briggs, I always seem to come out in some strange quadrant where less than 1% of the poplulation resides. So often it seems that I am locked in my mind away from others with only my destructive feelings for company.

 

I really want to be in a relationship. I feel I have so much to give, but no one wants to have anything to do with me.

 

Please excuse the excessess in my post. I really am a nice person who tries really hard to always do the right thing.

[bostonbruins24]

What do you mean ''no one wants anything to do with me''?.Is that your own personal assumption or have you repeatedly asked women out ,only to be rejected again and again?.Perhaps you just haven't tried enough,if you stay locked in a room all the time and don't approach women ,unfortunately that is what will happen.The majority of people seem to meet through friends.The random cold approach doesn't seem to happen that often,perhaps your friends can help.

[mellybelly]

well, all i can say is it's never too late!

at 41 you have probably learned a lot about yourself to help you in ways that it will be awesome when you are in a relationship!

 

have you ever thought you look in the wrong places?

keep your options and mind open...I found my soulmate when I wasn't looking. Just be open, giving and recieving...and you are bound to find someone.

 

Best of luck on meeting up with this lady! Don't put too much pressure on yourself...life is too short.

[Scorpion-88]

Well then go and meet up with her, you don't know what will happen yet. Maybe she will be the one for you, it doesn't matter about your age, atleast you are still trying to help yourself. And you shouldn't feel like no one wants to have anything to do with you, because i can guarantee if you're that much of a nice person, then that is just you thinking that!

[annie24]

hi - welcome to enotalone. do you know what your problem has been? have you ever asked any friends for really honest feedback? are you just super shy? or maybe you are waiting for that one special woman to ask out. i'd say that there are a lot of special women out there, just looking for a good guy. although, they may not live up to the fantasy in your head, you just have to get to know them and what they are about.

 

do you go out? are you involved in clubs or communities where you may meet women naturally (church groups, sierra club, neighborhood organizations....?)

[BBhogan]

"[i]I know that I am an unsual person. Whenever I take those psycological test

like the Myers Briggs, I always seem to come out in some strange quadrant where less than 1% of the poplulation resides. So often it seems that I am locked in my mind away from others with only my destructive feelings for company."[/i]

 

 

What does that mean? Sounds a little scary to me.

[bostonbruins24]

"[i]I know that I am an unsual person. Whenever I take those psycological test

like the Myers Briggs, I always seem to come out in some strange quadrant where less than 1% of the poplulation resides. So often it seems that I am locked in my mind away from others with only my destructive feelings for company."[/i]

 

 

What does that mean? Sounds a little scary to me.

Perhaps this behaviour or personality trait is a result of the OP'S decisions to live a certain way.If one chooses to isolate themselves ,a false perception can develop.With no one to interact with false assumptions can generate and grow causing one to believe those false thoughts.The OP may feel he is unlovable or unattractive but it probably has nothing to do with his plight.

[arwen]

First of, I understand that at 41, this must be a very frustrating thing. I think that there are at least two things that may underlie this issue of not meeting people you like.

 

1. The first is a practical one. You are probably living in a certain social setting where you have very little chance of meeting people (i.e. otherwise you would have already). So a practical change you could think of would be a change of scenery. Join a reading club, a sports club or maybe a cooking course.

 

2. The second is, I think, more important. A lot of what you write reflects a sense of 'giving up'. Like you see this as if this is your fate. And I think that in your place, I'd feel that way too, because the repetition of events (i.e. staying single for the largest part of your life so far) creates certain convictions about yourself. You seem to think that you are not 'eligible' to be loved by others. But you are, and you have to believe that. Relationships are very important, they are great to be in, but they require a good relationship with yourself in the first place.

 

Then, I am also in an odd 1/2% of the MB test. So what? There are 4 binary values in the test- there is 16 types so in an even spread no one would belong to a 'group' that makes up more than 6.25% of the population. In the end, we are all unique, and all very similar at the same time. Those tests do not identify you. Being 'special' or finding yourself odd is not going to help you, it will only make you feel more isolated (which I gather, is not what you want). Plus, do you think you should find someone who has the same MB-test score? Maybe you combine extremely well with those of an opposite type

 

What is most important is that you know you have a lot to give- maybe it is time to focus on your qualities and rather than what you feel makes you disconnected.

[BellaDonna]

Whenever I take those psycological test

like the Myers Briggs, I always seem to come out in some strange quadrant where less than 1% of the poplulation resides

 

 

I think it means he is an INFJ, which is rare and wonderful type.....

 

Hi blackie. Welcome to enotalone. Being an INFJ should not stop you from having successful relationships. (I'm an INFJ)

 

Like Annie24, I'm wondering if you are giving yourself enough opportunities to meet people. You mentioned 6 dates from the past- how did you meet those women?

 

The real problem is that I have met someone who I think is special. It had been ten years since I had seen last, but when we spoke last ( about a month ago), everything I felt for her came back at once. I am going out to see her in a week and try to make something happen. While I feel the odds are against anything happening, I feel that if I don't try it will a greater failure.

 

Does this woman you are going to visit seem to have the same intentions? How did it come about that you arranged to visit her? Is she single?

 

I hope it works out for you,

 

BellaDonna

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you should meet this person but have a more positive attitude about it. In other words, if you say the odds are that nothing will happen then you might end up sending the wrong signals which result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am not saying go there with rose-coloured glasses either...but simply to have the attitude of doing your best and whatever happens happens...you have a 50-50 chance.

[bostonbruins24]

I think you should meet this person but have a more positive attitude about it. In other words, if you say the odds are that nothing will happen then you might end up sending the wrong signals which result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am not saying go there with rose-coloured glasses either...but simply to have the attitude of doing your best and whatever happens happens...you have a 50-50 chance.

I agree,definitely go meet this person.I am only speculating but perhaps in the past you weren't assertive enough and let many golden opportunities slip away.Don't let it happen this time.At the end of your meeting make it clear that you definitely want to see her again.It sounds promising,you already know that YOU like her and you will get a chance to interact in a good environment[i hope,stay away from loud bars,for the meeting] .Good luck

[blackie]

Thank you for the comments. I am just a little more down than usual and unfortunately it came out sounding desperate. I try to be positive about things and accept my life for what it is. Sometimes that means accepting hard truths about yourself. Being true to yourself can be especially hard when it seems that nobody understands you.

 

I'm going to see her in a week. She's out of town right now, so I have to wait. I don't want to tie up all my feelings and hope into this one person just to have it fall apart. It seems to get harder and harder every time.

 

Yes I am a INFJ. While there are questions about the validity of these tests, I think they offer some insight into our personlities.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you for the comments. I am just a little more down than usual and unfortunately it came out sounding desperate. I try to be positive about things and accept my life for what it is. Sometimes that means accepting hard truths about yourself. Being true to yourself can be especially hard when it seems that nobody understands you.

I'm going to see her in a week. She's out of town right now, so I have to wait. I don't want to tie up all my feelings and hope into this one person just to have it fall apart. It seems to get harder and harder every time.

 

Yes I am a INFJ. While there are questions about the validity of these tests, I think they offer some insight into our personlities.

 

 

Yes, I definitely understand that feeling. I fall out of the norm in values and beliefs and I know how hard it is when nobody understands you. As for the Myers Briggs test..yes I do think they give insight into our personalities.