Weirdish Story....I was the other guy....

[Stardusk]

Last year I unwittingly had an affair with a girl who was engaged; midway into it I found out she was engaged but by then the feelings were too intense to resist; she kept promising me she would leave the dude for me and I was the one she really loved...eventually she left and MARRIED him, after a year long affair with me. And now she stalks the hallowed halls of Columbia university in MY home town whilst the husband is unaware of the whole affair to this day. She kept on writing me e-mails THIS year...up until June or thereabouts, how she couldn't forget me even though she wanted to, blah, blah, blah...she got off scot free. She wanted the breadwinner (the husband) and the interesting, unusual guy (me) at the same time but ultimately she chose the bread winner...

 

Of course she used me; I let myself be used in a way. My emotional need for love and affection got the better of me. This makes me all the more angry. Actually right now she's in graduate school in Columbia so she doesn't have much time; maybe later she will have a new affair. Sure she a user; she once told me she loves its husband as a friend...whatever that means. Honestly, though I have some pangs and feelings I know it is better for me to move and get away from the whole sordid affair.

 

Sample E-mails...

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway last night I was weak and saw her online on yahoo...there was a 4 hour chat that ensued. I still have so much bitterness and resentment. She claims she cares about me in some special, undefined way. This isn't about me wanting to ger back with her; she says she is happily married now, maybe she is? I don't know, was telling me how she wants to stay friends with me...I just don't know. How do I get over the bitterness, the resentment, the anger? I just want to forget about her and it's elusively difficult.

[Caterina]

Basically she is saying the money is the most important thing to her. If you want her, simply consistently make more of it and you will have her.

[lapseinjudgement]

personally if i were you i would put this one in the back of my mind and know to get the hell out if the situation ever arises again. I can understand the bitterness and the resentment that girl did a horrible thing to both you and the husband and the husband doesnt even know who he married! Part of me would want to make it pretty darn clear to the husband what happened BUT id say dont do that let karma take over on this one it will get her someday. Until then no friends....

Seriously do you want or need friends like that?!?

 

Just lock her out of your life, block on IM and any other form of internet comm and just try to move on with your life and find someone that wont do that bull shoot to you.

[Stardusk]

personally if i were you i would put this one in the back of my mind and know to get the hell out if the situation ever arises again. I can understand the bitterness and the resentment that girl did a horrible thing to both you and the husband and the husband doesnt even know who he married! Part of me would want to make it pretty darn clear to the husband what happened BUT id say dont do that let karma take over on this one it will get her someday. Until then no friends....

Seriously do you want or need friends like that?!?

 

Just lock her out of your life, block on IM and any other form of internet comm and just try to move on with your life and find someone that wont do that bull shoot to you.

 

I know....it would be so easy. Easier said than done.

 

[Caterina]

I think the husband will eventually find out the content of her character. But, if you do tell him, tell him for the sake of honesty rather than revenge. Revenge always fails in the end in this type of situation b/c its not as satisfying as we think it will be.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Gosh, now coldblooded she is! She married that poor sap for what he could do for her (money) without any real love or fidelity in her heart. And she is STILL contacting someone else. I feel really sorry for that poor man.

 

You need to pull the cotton wool away from your eyes and see this woman for who she really is, calculating and selfish. She has sold herself to the highest bidder in the marriage market, and now she is busily taking what she wants from you, which is emotional support and excitement, while offering you absolutely nothing in return.

 

Even if you succeeded in getting her, what have you got? A woman who is willing to sell herself for money, and use as many men as necessary to get her needs met.

 

The cosmos has been very kind to you by not letting you end up with this person. See her for the shallow/hollow person she is, and go find someone who is loving and loyal and honorable. This woman isn't any of those things and never will be. Cut all contact with her and don't look back, and thank your lucky stars you didn't end up with her. She'd have bled you dry on whatever she wanted from you, then the next time she saw another easy mark offering to satisfy her latest whim, she'd go off with him.

[Gratsy]

I agree with this.

 

But I wonder- why is it that men are more likely to do these things than women? I mean, the guy even admitted he was in a weird situation, as the other man, instead of woman. I'm not saying women are more moral/better than men usually...but...

[itsallgrand]

Well, she can BS you til the cows come home, and she will. You know that now - she lies, she cheats, she does what she wants to regardless of others feelings in order to get what she wants at the time.

 

I think it is the BSing we do to ourselves that keeps bitterness, anger, resentment alive.

 

Just my personal experience. You've got the data now: she's not real, she is a user. What you do with it is up to you!! (and you can't blame her for that now either if you keep choosing to engage with her).

 

Once you have had your fill of it, finally, and want to get honest with yourself with absolutely 100% no excuses - something clicks. It's do that or slowly stew yourself in a miserable mix of negative feelings and being tied to some other person who doesn't even value you enough to be real with you.

 

Why are you really so pissed off right now and what is it getting you at this point? When you are quiet with yourself and no one else is around, is a part of you trying to hold on and MAKE this work one way or another so that you can keep her in your life even though she doesn't pass snuff?

 

Don't cheat yourself! She can't give you what you need or want - it will ALWAYS be a counterfeit version. Get bold with that and the resentment starts to disappear.

 

At the end of the day, the only thing you are responsible for is your life and your thoughts feelings actions choices. Don't get sucked into the trap of starting to take on her problems and faults and screwups as your own.

 

Cause you've got enough of your own to deal with. Just like the rest of us. 00

[Stardusk]

I guess there is something to doing things to ourselves that we know are not good for us.

[Caterina]

I guess there is something to doing things to ourselves that we know are not good for us.

 

Not in the idea alone that it is not good for us, because thats obviously stupid-- but being attracted to what isn't good for the specified, smaller inside parts of the whole of it that are good- sexuality, passion, etc. Its still wasteful, hurtful, terrible in the end.

[Stardusk]

Not in the idea alone that it is not good for us, because thats obviously stupid-- but being attracted to what isn't good for the specified, smaller inside parts of the whole of it that are good- sexuality, passion, etc. Its still wasteful, hurtful, terrible in the end.

 

I am not very busy at the moment and don't have a lot to do...maybe that is part of it, letting me and my mind go crazy....back and forth...I am just not sure. Soon I will be much busier.

 

I recognise that I am envious. She is in exactly the place she wants to be and I am far away. She has a secure marriage, is pursuing graduate studies at a prestigious university and has regular sex.

 

Last time I had sex was in September 2007 with her; I have been single for 4 years and am careerwise no where near where I would like to be.

 

Probably has an impact as well....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ah, don't be jealous, take action!

 

Take the energy and time you put into thinking about her or talking with her and put it into making new contacts to find a woman and get an relationship and sex life going. You could have spent those 4 hours you spend IMing her chatting up new women and making dates.

 

If you're not doing that, then the only person to blame for that is you. Impotent jealousy of someone else is just a waste of time.

 

And would you want to be in a marriage where you still felt so lacking you were contacting other people, with a woman who you know cheats? That picture perfect marriage of hers you are picturing isn't perfect.

[HellFrost666]

Block her email, block her on Yahoo, if she calls, don't answer.

 

I can relate to you somewhat. I was the other guy once, but things turned out completely different for me.

[Stardusk]

Ah, don't be jealous, take action!

 

Take the energy and time you put into thinking about her or talking with her and put it into making new contacts to find a woman and get an relationship and sex life going. You could have spent those 4 hours you spend IMing her chatting up new women and making dates.

 

If you're not doing that, then the only person to blame for that is you. Impotent jealousy of someone else is just a waste of time.

 

And would you want to be in a marriage where you still felt so lacking you were contacting other people, with a woman who you know cheats? That picture perfect marriage of hers you are picturing isn't perfect.

 

Well, she says she is happy now. Seems like it.

 

I am not really a 'chatting up, dater type' unfortunately. I don't feel comfortable doing such things. But I will be starting graduate studies soon and hopefully will be quite busy and will have no time to even think about this.

[Stardusk]

Block her email, block her on Yahoo, if she calls, don't answer.

 

I can relate to you somewhat. I was the other guy once, but things turned out completely different for me.

 

How did they turn out for you?

[HellFrost666]

Well, my story is really different. She was married for one. I met her through mutual friends. Her husband cheated on her constantly and I was her revenge lay. But what started as a fling became something deeper. I fell so hard for her...

 

Now three years later she is not married anymore and we are still together.

 

I have a rare success story.

[Stardusk]

Well, my story is really different. She was married for one. I met her through mutual friends. Her husband cheated on her constantly and I was her revenge lay. But what started as a fling became something deeper. I fell so hard for her...

 

Now three years later she is not married anymore and we are still together.

 

I have a rare success story.

 

Strange.

 

Do you feel that women are really an issue of personal sphere of influence or is it something that just happens? In other words, do we have control over meeting the 'right' person?

[itsallgrand]

BeStrongBeHappy is so right. I can't even explain it.

 

The facade of her wonderful life is just that -a facade.

 

And even if that weren't the case and she had everything in the world you could ever want and need, that wouldn't be a reason to feel jealous.

 

But at least now you know why you continue to hold on: being jealous of her, wanting more in your life, wanting things to happen.

 

Time to jump on that horse, eh, cowboy?! No need to wait for school to start living the life you want.

[HellFrost666]

Strange.

 

Do you feel that women are really an issue of personal sphere of influence or is it something that just happens? In other words, do we have control over meeting the 'right' person?

 

Well, in my situation there were times I had control and times when I felt like I had no control at all...

 

There was no dishonesty between her and I... I knew she was married from the beginning. I knew she was tired of being cheated on and wondered what it felt like to be on the other end. This situation is actually the reson I came to this site... People told me how wrong I was for sleeping with a married woman, but I am human. She is very attractive, and we sat and talked for hours the night we met, which is rare because I am really shy and it takes me a long time to open up to people (face to face, obviously not online...) I felt really connected to her. And I hadn't had sex in nine years... I think most people probably would have done the same thing.

 

But when I had no control was when I started falling for her. It was scary...

[Stardusk]

BeStrongBeHappy is so right. I can't even explain it.

 

The facade of her wonderful life is just that -a facade.

 

And even if that weren't the case and she had everything in the world you could ever want and need, that wouldn't be a reason to feel jealous.

 

But at least now you know why you continue to hold on: being jealous of her, wanting more in your life, wanting things to happen.

 

Time to jump on that horse, eh, cowboy?! No need to wait for school to start living the life you want.

 

I suppose you are right. It is the symbolism of what she allegedly has that bothers me. What really annoys me is that she tells me she wishes me happiness. I can't tell if it is genuine and even if it is, it does nothing to quell my envy.

[Gratsy]

Usually anything the dumper says to the dumpee is patronizing and rude. I had one tell me, "One day you will be loved and I'll be a passing thought" ---all patronizing bs.

 

You sound like a great guy who deserves a great girl...start dating ones that like you and then when your confidence is up, date the ones you like. Other women will take your mind off of her, and one that you really like will do it permanently.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

So recognize your main problem here is envy. Work on getting those things for yourself (relationship, stable financial situation, etc.), and you won't even think twice about her again.

[Stardusk]

9 years? Why? Was it because of shyness?

[HellFrost666]

9 years? Why? Was it because of shyness?

 

I suppose so. I am not into the whole casual sex thing... I had two disasterous relationships as a teenager. Then I moved to the US and started college and just had so many other things ocupying my time that I was perfectly content being single. And being as shy as I am makes it hard to attract attention.

 

She was the only person I had ever been with who I wasn't in a relationship with. Maybe on some sbconscious level I knew I eventually would be in a relationship with her and that's why I slept with her right away.

 

On a side note... I used to have the same avatar as you.

[itsallgrand]

Stardust,

 

I just wanted to let you know your thread here has helped me to realize something myself.

 

I've had an ex that cheated on me, and I left him, and this is going on close to a year now after all this. And yet I've had such a hard time on this one to let it go.

Even though he is not physically part of my life.

 

Something clicked with you being honest enough to say you feel jealousy towards this woman who has used you and betrayed you. With my trying to figure out why I couldn't be ballsy enough to confront what it is that is holding me in anger to this man.

 

Now I know. My ex is symbolic of a lot of things for me too. Mostly a lot of things about myself I do not like, some true and some not, but have believed about myself.

 

Being honest is the only way out of the mess. Wish I had learned this so much sooner. Brutally honest the facts with oneself.