What if...

[Rising]

...that was as good as it will ever be?

 

..."love" is going to be a word I attach a memory to for the rest of my life?

 

 

It's been 7 years since I've felt anything... at all. Wonderful amazing women have come into my life and I haven't been able to let my heart go. I haven't felt excitement, joy, fear, pain... nothing. I get little tastes of these emotions now and again... but nothing stirs me to my core. Not since her.

 

About a year after we ended things and I returned from overseas we decided to meet again. We talked through things a bit and tried to have a friendship. Over the next year it became obvious that we could never be just friends. We let the memories of past emotions bring us together for a moment in time. We kissed... and it was empty. Whatever it was that used to cause me to completely melt and explode at the same time was somehow gone. Time, hurt and having let go of the idea that it could ever be... or the decisions she had made during our time apart... whatever the reasons I couldn't hold her again and feel that way.

 

I once lived for love. We could sit accross from each other and just look into each other's eyes... there was an untouchable infinity we shared in those gazes.

 

People used to say "Just give it time. Time heals all wounds. You'll meet someone who will bring those feelings to life again." I doubted and pushed on anyways. I got to a point where I could really see her for what she was and knew then that I would never want to be with her again. It didn't change anything. I dated girls for a month... 3 months... over 2 years... and it all ended up feeling the same way.

 

I could do it. I could go through all the motions of a relationship. I could be romantic and sensitive. I could be intimate and she could work her way into my life in every way. Still, in the night as I lay by her side I knew it wasn't there. It wasn't in the kisses. It wasn't in the eyes. It was something I wanted so bad, and something that was absolutely unattainable.

 

I sometimes wonder if I'm going to have to go through the rest of my life like this. If I just have to accept that I once held love... real and true... in my hands. And that the memory of it will have to be enough to sustain me. I don't know if everyone gets a chance to feel it that way and how many of those people get to hold onto it for long. But once you do... there's just no way to ever desire anything else in the world as much. No other experience in life has come close, and the wildest and most interesting ones only distract me from this for awhile.

 

I would give anything to find it again. I just can't explain how intense those feelings were. Maybe it was just because of the time. Before responsibility, maturity, logic, and 'what's good for me' weighed it all down. I feel like love shouldn't make sense and that it shouldn't be something that you have to convince yourself of on any level. If so, then it's too 'tame' or 'created'.

 

She wasn't the best thing for me in life and it would have been a mistake to have married her... but if this existence were solely about 'love' in its truest and purest sense... then I'm quite sure it could have been everything she and I would have ever needed.

 

I'm not sure what kind of responses I'll get here. Maybe some people telling me what everyone else has... "Just keep on pushing on. You'll meet the right girl eventually." "You aren't letting yourself move on because you've associated your idea of love with this one girl."

 

Maybe someone will have a new take on it all.

 

The best possible scenario would be that someone knows exactly what I'm talking about... and has a story to tell me that shows it really can happen again...

 

Until then I guess all I can do is hope and keep trying to meet people. Maybe one day I'll kiss someone and whatever it is that lies dormant in me will awaken...

 

-Rising

[duppy_conqueror]

.

 

I would give anything to find it again. I just can't explain how intense those feelings were. Maybe it was just because of the time. Before responsibility, maturity, logic, and 'what's good for me' weighed it all down. I feel like love shouldn't make sense and that it shouldn't be something that you have to convince yourself of on any level. If so, then it's too 'tame' or 'created'.

 

 

-Rising

 

yeah, very interesting point. at the same time, there is the fine line between that and denying yourself a new life experience with pedestals and living in memories. its true, to a certain [very romantic] extent, love should cross those borders of logic and the whatnot, but at the same time, in a r'ship, logic, maturity and responsiblity have to be utilised to keep it functioning and alive; i.e not to weigh it down. its not something that can be avoided. after all, individuals ahve unique life experiences that make up the fabric of their persona, and realistically, its not as if any aspect of yourself or decision making cant be compromised when your in a r'ship. (that is, your not perfectly in sync with each other in every level possible at all times). so id say bear that in mind too....

[jasper01]

hey- I went through a 12 year period like that. Two things to think about..

 

The 'in love' experience you describe doesn't last anyway. That's the beginning stage of a good relationship, and is largely illusion. There are other things in life that can be even more satisfying (too complicated to go into here).

 

It sounds like you may have closed yourself off. This is what I went through. I can only speak for myself, but the reasons for me were that I didn't fully process the loss of the original relationship, combined with issues from my childhood that were preventing me from being able to trust again. It wasn't until I was in therapy for a while and dealt with some of that stuff that I was able to open up again. And I did fall in love again rather quickly after that.

 

Nothing matched the intensity of that earlier experience though. A lot of that was because I was younger and believed deeply that having that love was what was going to complete me. But there is a very wonderful side to this. It's not true. That love is in YOU. Go find it.

[Hopelives]

...that was as good as it will ever be?

 

..."love" is going to be a word I attach a memory to for the rest of my life?

 

 

It's been 7 years since I've felt anything... at all. -Rising

 

Can I ask you a favor? Will you... remember this when you do?

 

Don't let her go.

 

My ex said that he thought himself incapable of feeling for anyone again, for having anyone make him feel "lightning" down to and through his toes... until he met me.

 

He told me the first time we kissed he could feel his toes tingle and that each time it just got better.

 

And then for all the *right* reasons, he let me go.

 

Please don't do that. When you find someone that things just work, and you finally *feel* again, don't let her go... don't let her walk out of your life... don't let her think... it was all a mistake.

 

Love like that is pure, simple, and rare.

 

Much empathy, Rising...

 

Hope