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Reflecting upon what was and what is

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Bang! Me and my significant other are separated. Like a scene from a war movie when the bombs start to drop and the once peaceful village explodes in a symphony of violence, time slows to a crawl and reality slips towards unreality. My mind is telling me that I'm not really seeing what I think I'm seeing, this isn't real, this will stop any moment, any minute now I will wake from the nightmare, everyone will come to their senses, it just isn't real. That night I lie in bed, my mind a battleground, like waves crashing upon the shore the memories, hopes and dreams for the future replay again and again, just as I catch my breath from one, another comes. Sleep, the saviour, everything is right again, she still loves me, she still cares. See how she holds me so tight like she'll never let me go and I'm holding her back and my heart is singing in my chest, oh the blessed relief! She smells like she always did, I breathe in her scent and close my eyes. I open one eye in spite of my tiredness and the light causes me to flinch, it's morning and I reach accross the bed, “She must have got up early... oh.”


And so we start, a slow ascent through so many different layers of perception, an agonising birth into a new life we didn't ask for. Many of the facets of our lives that we had come to take for granted are destroyed or changed irreversibly and when the mind is confronted by things that are seemingly out of it's control it feels threatened. We instinctively reach back to what we know was safe and secure. You know that they were the love of your life, you know that when you were with them everything was fine and the bad things in life, the fears, could be kept at bay. Confronted by a sudden unpredictability, rejection and the possibility that many of the beliefs you hold are false it's no surprise that many people fall apart. As someone who has fallen apart more than once I can attest to it's potency and ability to expose even the most deeply buried fears and insecurities, and once they are exposed they are played upon by that part of our minds that seems unable or even unwilling to move on. The only way out is back, go back and make everything OK, if you can't then there's nothing else, the only way out of this jungle is to retrace your steps and make things right.


So you try... and for many it is like a moth throwing itself against the hard glass of a light bulb, again and again until it flutters to the ground in exhaustion only to do exactly the same the next night. Unlike the moth we have the capacity to step back from the light and see it for what it is, it's a good invention, a miracle of modern science even... but it isn't the sun, it pales into insignificance when placed beside the sun in the sky and unlike the sun, it may light up the room but it won't warm you when you're cold, it doesn't have the power to turn an empty winter into an abundant summer. One day you'll be able to take that step back.


When I mention layers of perception I am referring to the many ways in which we can perceive the world around us, our thoughts and beliefs create our world and as the healing process continues you will see the world in many different ways. In reality the physical world and the situation isn't really changing, only your perception of the situation changes, thereforee it could be argued that you are already healed and over your ex, it's just you haven't realised it yet.


Perhaps my advice would be to look at your true feelings with an open mind when you are strong enough to do so but don't feel guilty about avoiding the truth and wrapping yourself in cotton wool until that time. Mistakes, well we've all made them, I could write a book but I think I may be in danger of writing one of those already if I carry on much longer! Don't let mistakes mean more than they need to, learn from them and cast them aside, once you have learnt what you need to from a mistake to continue carrying it with you is to burden yourself unnecessarily.


Take care of yourself, love everything with all your heart, from your enemy to your toothbrush and the love will come flooding back (the love from your toothbrush will probably be of the silent, stoic and dependable variety!). The only time in this life you will ever stop receiving love is when you stop giving it. Take a moment to be thankful for what you've had, what you have and what you will have in the future but do not live in the future and do not live in the past, focus on living right now. Take care.

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