madmarten Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I mean we hear this all the time. I would rather be alone than settle, even more dramatically someone said they would rather be dead. I think I have noticed girls say this more than guys, could be wrong there. Noboby is perfect, so everyone that is in a relationship settles for their paticular SO, right? And then I hear stories of people getting divorced saying that the ex is good person but wasn't the right person for them.......What does that mean? Does settling refer more to the physical side, (looks), or personality side, or all of the above? Or other? What is the difference between settling and having reasonable expections? If you are a 5 should you go after 8's or 9's? I decided that I was only a 5, so maybe I shouldn't aim too high physically. I am starting to think while guys are accused of being more into looks than girls, actually guys have an easier time settling (maybe being more flexible w standards is better way to say it) than females. And then how long do you wait? If you are waiting for perfection that will be an awfully long time... Discuss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aschleigh Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 From Dr.phil, you should have 80% right and you can deal with the other 20%. That is not settling. Like you said no one is perfect. If 80% is good, the values, their long term goals, the things that are important to you, then work with the 20%. Don't settle, you will be miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 In my estimation, settling is when you know in your heart that you are not madly in love with your partner, but you're too afraid of being alone so you're willing to compromise instead of holding out for true love. And yes, I would rather be dead than to settle. I've settled FAR too many times in past relationships, and each time I would lose more and more of my soul ... NEVER again. And I mean NEVER again. Never will I demean myself so. I believe in true love. Settling for anything less is a mockery and spiritual suicide! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmageddon Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Exactly! You KNOW you are not that into them, but stay with them anyway so that you are not alone. Its a really horrible thing to do to someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I think settling is when you have certain things that you want in a partner, and your current partner doesn't have those things. Instead of breaking up and moving on, they 'settle' because they are either afraid they won't find their ideal partner, or don't want to be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Settling is staying with someone even though you don't particularly like someone. I don't settle. I only date guys I am genuinely interested in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 And what's so sad, is that I've seen so many of my friends and family do JUST that ... breaks my heart every time. I hate going to weddings, because most of the weddings I've been to involved people who were settling or fooling themselves, and it just makes me feel jaded about the whole concept of marriage. The ceremony seems like such a farce. These two people, who don't really love each other, or are codependent, or just f*cked up, are going through these romantic motions, saying these vows when in their hearts they're essentially selling themselves to the devil, etc. etc. Ugh, REALLY depressing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragunov-21 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Exactly! You KNOW you are not that into them, but stay with them anyway so that you are not alone. Its a really horrible thing to do to someone. Mmmm... Co-dependency... Don't get me wrong, everyone has their doubts at one time or another, but marriage, is a big commitment (or it should be lol), and I think that's generally what people are talking about when they say settling, and if you know in your heart of hearts that you shouldn't be with someone, you shouldn't anchor yourself to them, as you'll regret it, and so will they. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 it's when you stay with someone you aren't into because you are scared you can't find anybody else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmarten Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 I think settling for someone means you get involved in a relationship, and you may know you're only content with him, not really excited by him, but you decide to get married anyway because you're comfortable, and think it may not get any better. I think people who settle though, do so because they don't think they're good enough for someone who really could excite them and be in a good relationship with (which some of your post seems to imply about how you feel). I hope your not putting words in my mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I hope your not putting words in my mouth. Because THAT would be unforgivable! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convoluted Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 You know the whole idea of settling is funny to me. Settling is to become satisfied with what you have, the problems with this arises when someone forces themselves to be satisfied. Think about it, the person you are with is not the best person for you out there. They can't be with all the possible choices out there, so no matter what in some way or another a successful relationship involves settling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jettison Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend because otherwise I'd be "settling". I didn't love her. It was as easy as that. If I stay with her then I'm cheating us both. I cheat her because if I stay with her then she's not going to be focusing her energy on someone that might really love her. I cheat myself because every day I spend with her is a day where I'm just "biding my time". That's just a horrific existence. It doesn't matter how much you may care about someone, or how poorly you deal with loneliness, it's ok to be by yourself. I understand why people are always so hell bent on having someone, anyone, right next to them all the time, but working on not feeling that way should be everyone's life goal on some level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend because otherwise I'd be "settling". I didn't love her. It was as easy as that. If I stay with her then I'm cheating us both. I cheat her because if I stay with her then she's not going to be focusing her energy on someone that might really love her. I cheat myself because every day I spend with her is a day where I'm just "biding my time". That's just a horrific existence. It doesn't matter how much you may care about someone, or how poorly you deal with loneliness, it's ok to be by yourself. I understand why people are always so hell bent on having someone, anyone, right next to them all the time, but working on not feeling that way should be everyone's life goal on some level. Learning to be okay with being alone is a life skill that has to be practiced. I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend because otherwise I'd be "settling". I didn't love her. It was as easy as that. If I stay with her then I'm cheating us both. I cheat her because if I stay with her then she's not going to be focusing her energy on someone that might really love her. I cheat myself because every day I spend with her is a day where I'm just "biding my time". That's just a horrific existence. It doesn't matter how much you may care about someone, or how poorly you deal with loneliness, it's ok to be by yourself. I understand why people are always so hell bent on having someone, anyone, right next to them all the time, but working on not feeling that way should be everyone's life goal on some level. Believe me, DAMN, I've been there! Makes me cringe to even REMEMBER what a hell that was! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmageddon Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I broke up with my girlfriend because otherwise I'd be "settling". I didn't love her. It was as easy as that. If I stay with her then I'm cheating us both. I cheat her because if I stay with her then she's not going to be focusing her energy on someone that might really love her. I cheat myself because every day I spend with her is a day where I'm just "biding my time". That's just a horrific existence. It doesn't matter how much you may care about someone, or how poorly you deal with loneliness, it's ok to be by yourself. I understand why people are always so hell bent on having someone, anyone, right next to them all the time, but working on not feeling that way should be everyone's life goal on some level. I dont either, but I think its just part of being lonely and insecure. But when you boil it all down you are just stealing someone elses time from them. it's never acceptable to do that no matter how you justify it to yourself. You are using them to make YOU feel ok, when in reality only you can make you feel ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmarten Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 You know the whole idea of settling is funny to me. Settling is to become satisfied with what you have, the problems with this arises when someone forces themselves to be satisfied. Think about it, the person you are with is not the best person for you out there. They can't be with all the possible choices out there, so no matter what in some way or another a successful relationship involves settling. Right being with someone involves a choice. You choose person with their good things and bad things, and the good things should far outweigh the bad things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Settling is done out of fear, not love. That's how you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Settling is done out of fear, not love. That's how you know. Or perhaps is out of fear of hurting them. I notice that a lot with younger relationships. They don't want to hurt their partner, so they stick around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Or perhaps is out of fear of hurting them. I notice that a lot with younger relationships. They don't want to hurt their partner, so they stick around. Agreed. But it's still based on fear, whether the fear is for yourself or the other person involved. Fear is the red-flag. Not only in relationships, but in most areas of life. Fear is an indicator that something is VERY wrong, and you need to fight or (take) flight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convoluted Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Right being with someone involves a choice. You choose person with their good things and bad things, and the good things should far outweigh the bad things. People get selfish though. Especially the types that get that high off of the "honeymoon" feelings in the beginning of relationships. Inevitably break up with someone for someone new chasing those feelings, or when there's a bump it gives them enough of a push to find someone new again. Love is all about working through your issues, to be there in the good times and the bad times if you're not willing to do that, you'll never find love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Agreed. But it's still based on fear, whether the fear is for yourself or the other person involved. Fear is the red-flag. Not only in relationships, but in most areas of life. Fear is an indicator that something is VERY wrong, and you need to fight or (take) flight. And, ironically, it ends up hurting them more if you wait a while before enough is enough and you FINALLY break it off. It causes stress on both parties who are in a meaningless relationship. And prevents both of you from looking for people you'll both like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 And, ironically, it ends up hurting them more if you wait a while before enough is enough and you FINALLY break it off. It causes stress on both parties who are in a meaningless relationship. And prevents both of you from looking for people you'll both like. Yep. Like I've referenced in the past, I was in this situation for FIVE YEARS, and when the thing ended, it was HELL for both of us, because we'd become so codependent on each other ... that, and the fact that I totally massacred the guy's heart and soul, because I led him to believe that I was in love with him and would marry him when I really wasn't and wouldn't. So, take it from an old veteran ... it AIN'T worth it!!!!! Fear kept me in that relationship ... fear of being alone, of breaking the guy's heart, of SO MANY THINGS. I will never allow that kind of fear to rule me again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmageddon Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Living in fear is no way to live. It paralyzes you to where you can just do nothing but exist. What a crappy way to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Living in fear is no way to live. It paralyzes you to where you can just do nothing but exist. What a crappy way to live. Amen. Took me a long time to get over what I'd subjected myself to. Time I'll never get back. And time is precious, so I screwed myself doubly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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