Breaking up via phone?

[Zeitgeist]

I'm finally ready to tell a part of my story.

 

So I broke up with a girl a couple weeks ago. We tried for several months, but in the last month or two, it was clear she wasn't over her ex and wasn't ready for a relationship (she broke up with her ex 7 months ago - they were together for 5 years). She even said this up front in the beginning, but I was willing to take things slow. I think she took advantage of this and started hanging out more and more with her ex. Almost always with other people, but still. She stated that she wanted to remain friends with him and wasn't willing to let go yet.

 

I finally couldn't take it anymore because I felt like she was prioritizing her ex over me a little too much. We had a talk about how I felt like I was being put on a backburner a couple weeks before. Got a drunken phone call from her late at night during which she told me she was totally in love with me and that we were perfect for each other. That we were so much alike in all the important ways, but different enough that it kept things interesting. We never really had any fights either. Our time together was always easy, fun, and relaxing. We communicated EXTREMELY well when it came to talking about ourselves, our fears, hopes, dreams, etc. Possibly better than anyone I've ever communicated with - including my best female friend from college. And that's really saying something. Everything about our budding relationship was good, but I guess it wasn't good enough.

 

But then a week later she went camping with the ex and other friends. Didn't tell me her ex was going to be on the trip, but it was pretty easy to guess. This really upset me. Facebook pics resulted in more insecurity for me. So anyhow, I broke up with her over the phone a couple of weeks ago. We talked for an hour or so. It was fairly civilized though we were both emotional. I was upfront and told her the reasons I was upset and unhappy. Told her I loved her, but that I couldn't make room for someone who couldn't make room for me. She admitted that she wasn't ready to make a decision and that it wasn't fair to me. Said she understood. I said that the only way I could see a possibility of a future together was to let go of her NOW. She cried and we both said good-bye.

 

And that was that. It's one of those situations where I may be the dumper, but I feel more like the dumpee. I've been down but actually been dealing okay. For once, I didn't start freaking out about what I did or could've done differently. I honestly think I did my best. I was ready to "move mountains" for her. But she wasn't ready to reciprocate or have to accept responsibility for another's feelings. Haven't had any contact except when we went to a mutual friend's birthday event and even then, we were on friendly terms. There's a possibility that she could go back to the ex, but from what she described, I don't see how a long-term reconciliation would be possible. Their life goals are too different and apparently fought quite a bit. But of course, the heart doesn't pay attention to practical matters. Personally, I think she's harming not only harming her ex, but herself. But of course that's not for me to spell out, and of course it's a biased opinion.

 

Feel free to comment or ask me questions. But I also have a question I'd like some feedback on because I've been doing some reading on breakups. Almost everyone seems to think that breaking up over the phone is horrible and cowardly. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong by this because I wanted to be able to remain strong and not have her see me emotional in person. But now I'm feeling guilty because I'm wondering if I owed that to her? Is breaking up via phone really that horrible?

[jettison]

Well, I dumped my girlfriend over the phone about a month ago. I just thought it would be cleaner that way. I didn't rush the breakup, I let her say whatever she wanted to say, and also offered to meet with her if she wanted to so she could say anything she liked. We did end up meeting. There really is no right way to do this kind of thing.

 

I think you were smart to break if off with her though. Keep on that track. Sometimes we can click with someone so strongly that we want it to be "the right time" even when it's really not. If her feelings were strong enough for you then she'll come back when she's ready and when that ex is out of her system.

[Karmageddon]

Yeah, I know most people say breaking up over the phone is kinda crummy. But if it were me, I would hate to get all dressed up for a "date" and then be broken up with. Phones fine by me, but really its all in the way that its done. Sounds like you did just fine. Mostly I think people say that because of all the immature ways that people have been broken up with on here, text, my space etc...

 

You had an open line of communication with her, thats a lot different. It also sounds like she may have had an inkling this was coming since she was spending so much time with the ex. Sorry buddy.

[Zeitgeist]

Well, I dumped my girlfriend over the phone about a month ago. I just thought it would be cleaner that way. I didn't rush the breakup, I let her say whatever she wanted to say, and also offered to meet with her if she wanted to so she could say anything she liked. We did end up meeting. There really is no right way to do this kind of thing.

 

I think you were smart to break if off with her though. Keep on that track. Sometimes we can click with someone so strongly that we want it to be "the right time" even when it's really not. If her feelings were strong enough for you then she'll come back when she's ready and when that ex is out of her system.

Thanks for the support and encouragement. Doing my best to keep busy and not get in a funk. This has been a rough week though.

[Zeitgeist]

Yeah, I know most people say breaking up over the phone is kinda crummy. But if it were me, I would hate to get all dressed up for a "date" and then be broken up with. Phones fine by me, but really its all in the way that its done. Sounds like you did just fine. Mostly I think people say that because of all the immature ways that people have been broken up with on here, text, my space etc...

 

You had an open line of communication with her, thats a lot different. It also sounds like she may have had an inkling this was coming since she was spending so much time with the ex. Sorry buddy.

I appreciate the reassurances. Weird that of all the things I could obsess about it, it was about whether I broke off "correctly". I guess I just want her to think back on us fondly if she does reflect on us at all.

[ddgc]

the fact that you were concerned if you broke up correctly shows that you are a good person and concerned for her feelings.

concentrating primarily on if you did it "right" or not, i can tell you this:

breaking up by text is horrible. but phone you're one on one with the person. plus you listened to her for over an hour AND you met up with her later. you did good.

you sound like a good persona nd if she ever gets over her ex, one day she might talk to you. until then you did good.

take care of yourself

[dreamguy]

I think you did the right think and I understand what you mean when you say you feel like the dumpee although, technically, you were the dumper. Perhaps, you dumped her because you felt she was going to dump you sooner or later at the rate things were going with her ex.

 

In contrast, I do not think you did a bad thing by ending it on the phone. Like the other posters said, you gave her a chance to express herself and you were listening to what she had to say.

 

One thing is for sure, she won't forget you anytime soon. Not to give you any false hope but those drunken phone calls often say a lot. When you're drunk your inhibitions are down and sometimes you say things you wouldn't say under normal circumstances when the conscious part of your brain is in control.

 

Look after yourself and do not regret anything. The future may have a nice surprise for you whether it's with her or another wonderful woman.

[jasper01]

If there was nobody else in the picture the phone thing would be inappropriate, but given the circumstances you handled it perfectly.

[gracerules2008]

To each his own I guess. I have my own style of ending a relationship with a girl. That is I meet her in person. I go to her house and talk it over with her over one last dinner together. I'll probably order pizza or chinese food for the 2 of us.

 

Then I'll tell her the reason I came here today is to explain why I feel it's best to go our separate ways. I won't sugarcoat anything. I won't beat around the bush with BS lines of "it's not you it's me" unless it really is me.

 

Anyway going to her house is the best plan of action if I'm going to break up with her in person. I won't meet in a public place because I want to make sure she's safe. I don't want her driving home upset and getting into a car accident since being upset can impair a person's judgment when driving.

 

So I have my own style of doing it. Buy her one last drink or dinner at her house and tell her it's over and why.

[Karmageddon]

Yeah, that would really suck for me! LOL!!! One last dinner? Ohhhh sounds like death row!! Grace, when its your turn to break up with me, just do it quick like pulling off a bandaid!! If I knew you were gonna dump me, I really wouldn't want to have dinner first! It would make me feel stupid!

[civilservant]

Breaking up on the phone is not great, but tolerable. Breaking up via a TEXT on the other hand...

[Zeitgeist]

I feel like we need a new term for people who do the dumping but feel like the dumpee. I propose, "dumperee".

 

Thank you all for your comments and support.

[yellow_sweater]

I feel like we need a new term for people who do the dumping but feel like the dumpee. I propose, "dumperee".

 

LOL... ^this^.

 

I broke up with someone I was seeing at the end of July. Thing is... I had been unhappy and thinking of bailing since late May. Another thing is... we had only been a couple since March. Yeah, you got it: I spent just as much time agonizing over whether to break things off as I did enjoying the relationship.

 

I'm appropriating this term for when I talk about that relationship. Thanks!

 

Regarding phone v. in-person, if the honest communication is there, it really doesn't matter. I can see some advantages to doing it in person, and some advantages to doing it over the phone. I think it also depends on how long and how seriously you've been dating. Based on what you've said, I think what you did was fine.

 

YS

[Zeitgeist]

LOL... ^this^.

 

I broke up with someone I was seeing at the end of July. Thing is... I had been unhappy and thinking of bailing since late May. Another thing is... we had only been a couple since March. Yeah, you got it: I spent just as much time agonizing over whether to break things off as I did enjoying the relationship.

 

I'm appropriating this term for when I talk about that relationship. Thanks!

 

Regarding phone v. in-person, if the honest communication is there, it really doesn't matter. I can see some advantages to doing it in person, and some advantages to doing it over the phone. I think it also depends on how long and how seriously you've been dating. Based on what you've said, I think what you did was fine.

 

YS

May I ask - why were you unhappy? Did you already post about it?

[yellow_sweater]

May I ask - why were you unhappy? Did you already post about it?

 

Short story: I knew he wasn't the right person for me. I thought I could make it work, however, because he was decently attractive, smart, caring, and a really decent guy. I couldn't. He just didn't make me happy, never did. I started to resent the fact that I made him so happy. At that point, it was time to cut the cord. His feelings were clearly stronger than mine, and that made me dissatisfied. We weren't equals any longer.

 

I could go on for a while dissecting this, but that's the gist.

 

YS