mr me Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I grew up living in an alcoholic and abusive household. I think as my grandfather got older he got so bitter he just didnt care anymore so he stopped. Its just my family and the psychological effect it put on them is crazy. Im sure because of my culture and the things they value my family has had issues like this for many generations. I feel like im not gonna follow that path. Its just i also could have in someways because of the abuse i had to endure with my first 2 girlfriends. I know my 1st ex was abusive but i guess i can just say my second ex probably wasnt just closer to evil which still is things i go thru being around my family. Ive never had a good role model and i dont even know if they exist because alot of the time its idealistic and fabricated to the point that no one could really be that way. Ive had to grow out of that because i felt like i wanted to be one for my family but with all my problems that i wasnt aware of and how my family wont change it is just worthless. Im kinda taking tha idea of me helping myself first and thats really it. I seem to try to help people too much and with my obsessive personality it doesnt seem to work out that well. Ive also been suicidal and have addictive tendencies. Im not really sure if i could ever live my dream of having a decent family and not having so many issues. I dont know if people know the saying that trouble can look for you but ive always had that happen to me. I have a pretty bad past with really weird and sometimes embarrassing stuff that ive gone thru where i just dont even know how stuff like that could happen to anyone. So its like for example if i ever get to have a family how can they spend anytime with my family without them rubbing off on them. I already have my own issues that ive had to deal with being around them that i will always have to deal with but i dont know how i could ever break the cycle being around my family. Its like today my aunt really looked like she was going to kill her fiancee and i have no idea why she just went off. Its like growing up with a family that already had those problems i listed as well as a history of really bad psychological problems, you could probably go crazy. Ive already taken steps to try to get away from them but im still recovering from a really bad depression and anxiety. I also dont really get any help besides what i do for myself. Its like anything that is help usually comes with a catch. So its like im just supposed to do whatever the person is saying so its almost like a control issue so i just stay away from it. I dont really mind it I just know that it would be alot easier. I already thought about my life being different if i was living under different circumstances but thats just like a fantasy and is pretty depressing. I used to also feel like there was a purpose for me going thru all of this but thats also depressing because i cant see any good reason that i would have to live like this. Its just i already had to learn that things dont always happen for good reasons. Its a long and slow process but im just trying to keep my mind off of it and hopefully before i know it things will improve. Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.