My toxic family completely exhaustes me

[mr me]

I grew up living in an alcoholic and abusive household. I think as my grandfather got older he got so bitter he just didnt care anymore so he stopped. Its just my family and the psychological effect it put on them is crazy. Im sure because of my culture and the things they value my family has had issues like this for many generations. I feel like im not gonna follow that path. Its just i also could have in someways because of the abuse i had to endure with my first 2 girlfriends. I know my 1st ex was abusive but i guess i can just say my second ex probably wasnt just closer to evil which still is things i go thru being around my family. Ive never had a good role model and i dont even know if they exist because alot of the time its idealistic and fabricated to the point that no one could really be that way.

 

Ive had to grow out of that because i felt like i wanted to be one for my family but with all my problems that i wasnt aware of and how my family wont change it is just worthless. Im kinda taking tha idea of me helping myself first and thats really it. I seem to try to help people too much and with my obsessive personality it doesnt seem to work out that well. Ive also been suicidal and have addictive tendencies. Im not really sure if i could ever live my dream of having a decent family and not having so many issues. I dont know if people know the saying that trouble can look for you but ive always had that happen to me. I have a pretty bad past with really weird and sometimes embarrassing stuff that ive gone thru where i just dont even know how stuff like that could happen to anyone.

 

So its like for example if i ever get to have a family how can they spend anytime with my family without them rubbing off on them. I already have my own issues that ive had to deal with being around them that i will always have to deal with but i dont know how i could ever break the cycle being around my family. Its like today my aunt really looked like she was going to kill her fiancee and i have no idea why she just went off. Its like growing up with a family that already had those problems i listed as well as a history of really bad psychological problems, you could probably go crazy.

 

Ive already taken steps to try to get away from them but im still recovering from a really bad depression and anxiety. I also dont really get any help besides what i do for myself. Its like anything that is help usually comes with a catch. So its like im just supposed to do whatever the person is saying so its almost like a control issue so i just stay away from it. I dont really mind it I just know that it would be alot easier. I already thought about my life being different if i was living under different circumstances but thats just like a fantasy and is pretty depressing. I used to also feel like there was a purpose for me going thru all of this but thats also depressing because i cant see any good reason that i would have to live like this. Its just i already had to learn that things dont always happen for good reasons. Its a long and slow process but im just trying to keep my mind off of it and hopefully before i know it things will improve.

[kmae23]

Well I am not sure if you have moved away from your family or not so I am not sure how to advise you but I can say it does get way better! Do you have any positive influences in your life?

 

I also grew up with an abusive background. I was lucky enough to graduate HS through the mail and move out at 16. I just worked and supported myself. I have to admit I was confused and went through a depression and it took me a while to even out and understand myself. Posting here is really good for you. I thought the depression was all my fault. I was raised to think everything was my fault, so guilt is the number one thing I still struggle with. It's not easy but hopefully you really do understand you are not them and you can get through this. You still have a whole life outside of this background. I miss having a family around but its the choice I made and I don't regret it. I'm sorry you dated abusive girls. It tends to just happen when you are used to it. Its like nothing new, so it seems like no big deal. There are plenty of girls that are better adjusted that won't act that way. It took me a while to see the role I was playing in my own relationship coming out of an abusive family. To be honest I still think about having a family all the time and wonder whether I want to do it or not. It's scary after coming out of an abusive house. But that's natural. I think it's good that you want to think about yourself first. That is the motive it takes to get out of abusive. I had to take my anger and say, its all me. I don't need you people. I don't need your humiliations and put downs. It was my drive to succeed for a while. Not the best motive but at least it got me out of it. Maybe go off and work somewhere, get a place, go to school. Take sometime and really get used to the good side of life. One day you will wake up and think - I can do whatever I want. I can control my future. It is only me. All me and I can do anything I want to do. You are the only one in control. No one has the right to make you feel guilty, or manipulate or degrade you. You can just leave if that happens. I just know I never had control until I left. Its hard to describe the layers and complexities of abuse but you can get away from it and live a happy life. It took me about 4 or 5 years of being out of the house to realize that it was me and I was in control of my own life. It's the best feeling I have felt so far.

 

Anyway, I don't know what else to say except for my own experience with it. Kind of like a review for you. I really think you have a chance to be happy though. Coming out of depression on your own is hard. Maybe look into getting meds or therapy? I know it really helped me even though it took me years to finally go in and try it.

[mr me]

I really appreciate you telling me your story. Alot of time i just see the good things in life and see them like its a movie and its not real. I felt recently what it was like to get away from all the drama and it was the first time in a really long time i had peace of mind. I also suffer because of how i was still living here when i was with my ex's that just being here makes me feel really depressed. Also living with the women in my family, its like a constant reminder of what i went thru being with my ex's. I would say probably the best thing ive been doing lately is to finally get myself to stop thinking about my ex's. It was weird because all of today i was confused like why do i feel so bad if im just trying to do things that are good for myself but so far i dont really know why. I just kinda just went with it and now im feeling better.

[kmae23]

Oh yes, the guilt factor is strong. At first just living your own life and being good to yourself feels like you are betraying your family. But really, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. I think families like mine and maybe yours really do mean well but they are so distorted they lose the truth some where along the way. So when you go on to do your own thing they take it personally (maybe they know why somewhere deep down). Most the time they stay so busy with the drama or self-pity they don't know up from down. I don't know, I just think it's best to look out for yourself and do what's best right now. Maybe go back later and sort things out when you know you can go away self sufficient if they aren't willing to be there for you.

[doityourself]

I agree totally with Kmae23,

 

I also grew up in hell, I cant imagine how I made it through some of the things I did.

 

Just be strong, get all the education you can and start your life without reliving the past.

It will get better, it doesnt go away and you never forget but it does get easier to live with. You will find people in your life that truly loves you and that feels so good.

[mr me]

Well im glad i got some good answers because at first i didnt really see much of a response. I was really just trying to reach out and see that there was a better place i could find myself in because of what im going thru now. Sometimes it just seems like it never ends. I feel like if i can kinda recover from everything im going thru now that would be a good start. I just always wanted to start with a clean slate and just leave the past in the past. I just kinda get nervous because some people dont seem that caring to open up to so its a weird thing to talk about.

[littlestar]

There's a really good book about toxic families and i cant remember the exact name of it now. damn.

[Mock Chop]

There's a really good book about toxic families and i cant remember the exact name of it now. damn.

 

This one is good "Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. It's only recently (i.e. the past 8 months) I've realised what a destructive influence my family has had on my life. I'm now in the slow process of unpicking it all and healing. It's a hell of a journey, but one I know I must go through if I'm ever to truly find out who I am (that is, the self I am without the influence of expectations and labels thrown at me by my family).