another thread about FWB

[friday]

Hey there

 

 

I started seeing a guy about 10 months ago, October last year and by this i mean we are sleeping together, but not dating. We had a break from Feb to July this year, but have been seeing each other again since July.

 

Im just wondering about other peoples experiences regarding sex, and how it might differ depending on the relationship.

 

We have had quickies etc, but last night it felt different. We had sex for about 5 hours in total, with a bit of a snooze in the middle.

 

but i guess im just feeling a little blown away, as last night it just felt like making love, i dont know, more intense. Not to be graphic, but I am quite sore. It was pretty full on. Lots of kissing and caressing, I mean there always is, i dont know it was just different. If he didnt have to leave for work (graveyard shift) it would have gone on im sure.

 

i think the main issue is that usually he will leave in 15 minutes, average time in total being about an hour and a half session. But he just stayed, and I thought "is he just not going to work? whats going on here? But he stayed and went to work about 2 hours late.

 

He's never stayed over night. I thought maybe he was going to.

 

IS there any way i can tell if things are moving to a different level for him.? Or am i just an idiot for thinking it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There could be any number of reasons why and it may have nothing to do with wanting to take it to another level. He could have just needed to feel close to someone, he could have been fantasizing about someone he is really interested in having a relationship with whatever. If he wants to be with you he will ask you out on an actual date away from the bedroom. If he is interested in more than sex he will let you know in words, not in orgasms. If you want to know the answer you can ask him directly...but be prepared for the answer to be no.

[lady00]

I think until you have discussed it with him, it's just sex, and it's probably not a good idea to read anything more into it unless you both discuss and decide there is something more there and that you are actually dating.

[Batya33]

I think it's common for the person developing feelings to read into physical actions in this way in a sex buddy situation. This is one situation where listening to his words (i.e. that this is just for sex) is more important than his actions in the sack.

[friday]

He could have just needed to feel close to someone, he could have been fantasizing about someone he is really interested in having a relationship with whatever. .

 

Fantastic.............

[Gratsy]

Why did you go on a break in Feb.

[friday]

I told him I had feelings

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry, but sex does not equal an instant relationship.

[i_win]

Okay I'm going to put this out there. Sometimes a FWB thing isn't just about two people using eachother for sex, but he also might be using your closeness as a way to feel emotionally connected to someone even if it's just for that 5 hours. He might have just wanted to feel a stronger emotional attachment to you that night, without the responsibilities of a full blown relationship.

 

And this is probably the 5th post I've read of a female in a FWB situation in the last few days that seem to have trouble keeping their emotions out of it. I think this should serve as a warning to others that these types of setups can be sticky and the boundaries between physical and emotional connections are thin.

 

And so he put 5 hours into sex...one day. I don't think this hardly translates that his feelings are growing deeper. Signs that his feelings are growing deeper would be: Him telling you that his feelings are growing stronger. Him wanting to spend time with you more often and more importantly outside of the bedroom. Him offering to take you to a movie, dinner, out with friends, to a work function as his date, etc.

[Butterflygrl]

I agree on all points with i_win! I myself would have a hard time doing it. I would have EVERY INTENTION of keeping it as FWB (I just learned what that acronym meant today btw! lololol) but then I would slowly unravel. I am too much of a passionate real and emotional person and eventually i would feel like I was being used. I know we would be using each other but I would feel more used being a woman.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think if he spent 5 hours in sex, it more likely means he really was in the mood for sex, or he had too much coffee, or who knows, maybe he got ahold of some Viagra or E and wanted to try it out.

 

If someone is really starting to get into you as a person, they will do things with you that relate to you as a person, i.e., they will want to do things OUT of bed not just in it. if they're just in it for the sex, the sex is all you'll get. Even if you get a lot of sex, it is still just sex.

 

So if he started taking you places and wanting to just hang out with you such that you spend more time out of bed than in it, i'd say he might be getting attached.

 

If you took a break in Feb. due to starting to have feelings, then i think that says a lot... not good. It means that he really doesn't have feeilngs and doesn't want you to get the idea that he does, otherwise rather than a break he would spend more time with you, not break it off.

 

if you are starting to have feelings, do yourself a favor and break it off now before it get worse. you can talk to him first to see if he's interested in dating now rather than just FWB, but the more time you spend with him, the more attached you'll get, and the harder you'll fall when it finally falls apart, which it will if he's not interested in dating you.

[Gratsy]

I told him I had feelings

 

 

If that doesn't ans. your question, I don't know what does.

 

You're like me: I feel for you because its absolute miserable HELL

[friday]

You're like me: I feel for you because its absolute miserable HELL

 

Lol thanks

[Gratsy]

Its like this: if you give a guy a ticket for an FWB, thats how he always views you...why buy something, if they gave it for free? Guys who get into FWBs feel like they're getting away with something and want to keep it that way: like sneaking into a movie theatre. There is no way they're going to pay for a ticket at this theatre now. People get mad when I say this: but thats how they see it!!

 

 

Personally, I think you sound way cool. But this guy has dragged you around for a long time: he'll never view you as anything more than a sex object. Its the sad truth. The way he views you isn't who you are...but expecting things on his end to change is just blind love/delusion that will never ever ever come true.

[friday]

Its like this: if you give a guy a ticket for an FWB, thats how he always views you...why buy something, if they gave it for free? Guys who get into FWBs feel like they're getting away with something and want to keep it that way: like sneaking into a movie theatre. There is no way they're going to pay for a ticket at this theatre now. People get mad when I say this: but thats how they see it!!

 

 

Personally, I think you sound way cool. But this guy has dragged you around for a long time: he'll never view you as anything more than a sex object. Its the sad truth. The way he views you isn't who you are...but expecting things on his end to change is just blind love/delusion that will never ever ever come true.

 

thanks.

 

I guess its a double standard in that its ok for men to be a sex toy - and the woman isnt as likely to ONLY ever view him as such, whereas the woman who is a sex toy is damned. Tarnished. LOL

 

Oh its crap . Im at the stage where I just feel like laughing.

 

or that might be post coital bliss......

 

Heres something i didnt tell you though.

 

Theres another guy , actually a few who are interested in me, in terms of DATING. I told him about one, and the day before he had told me he was too flat out at work to see me at the moment or indefinitely, and a few hours after I told him that, he was contacting me, and hence last night.

 

During the whole time since we have met he has not been aware of a single guy that might be competition- which has also made things harder for me. Like Im there, he knows it and no competition type of thing .

[Gratsy]

You're acting like its a relationship...all the things you say suggest you don't think of this as solely FWB. Thing is, men are not women. People get so mad when I say these things but: men separate sex and love. To them, its just getting some booty. Even if he's getting jealous, its no indicator of anything. To me, its the ultimate sign of disrespect when a man attempts to shirk a girl into a fwb role...to him, its like saying you're not actually worthy enough to be a girlfriend. I'm serious here. I'm being harsh b/c the reality is harsh. I've BEEN there.

 

Start dating guys who want to love you for YOU.

 

There is a GREAT song you should look into...let me find it really quickly, and I'll PM it.

 

Funny thing is...by getting into a relationship with him like this...it makes me wonder whether you are ready for somehthing real.. you substitute this fake relationship so that you can get affection without the hassle of a real relationship with all of its intimacy/surrender/day to day fantasy killing realities.

[Gratsy]

Would you save yourslef for someone who will love you for you? Who will cherish your name?

 

Those are part of the lyrics. A man who can't even do the first step of having you in a relationship is NOT out for your best interest.

 

What do you do for a living? Do you have a busy job?

[friday]

Would you save yourslef for someone who will love you for you? Who will cherish your name?

 

Those are part of the lyrics. A man who can't even do the first step of having you in a relationship is NOT out for your best interest.

 

What do you do for a living? Do you have a busy job?

 

I am a professional, have a reputable sort of job, which i dont think I should say on here in public.

 

I know what you are getting at though, its not as though I am not busy. Is that what you mean? or is it that you think i might be too busy for a relationship?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

To explain his reaction to hearing you might date someone else, he's not looking at it like you're a cherished girlfriend and the guy is competition, he's more thinking, 'damn, my sex supply might dry up if i don't keep her busy and get it while i can.'

 

A heroin addict gets edgy if he thinks his supply is going to dry up and may start hustling to make sure his source keeps supplying him. You're his sex supply, and he doesn't want to do without it.

 

Here's the way you have to look at it. What you want is love, companionship, things to do out of bed, a future, and sex. He can step up his game and add a longer sex session, but he's still only offering sex. He knows what the other guys may offer that he doesn't, but he only wants sex, so he steps up the sex in hopes you'll thing, 'i better keep seeing him because the sex is better with him than that other guy who wants to date me'.

 

If he's really jealous and wants more with you, he'll step up the other things that the other guys might offer, like dates, hanging out, talk of a future together. Until he offers those things, this is still firmly in FWB/sex buddy only territory.

 

He just had a little 5 hour sex binge with you, like a heroin addict really partying before his source dries up. It doesn't mean anything until he starts offering ALL the rest, just like a new guy dating you would.

[Batya33]

Especially as an educated professional woman, OP, I am surprised that you would play the victim card in an arrangement that you agreed to and got benefits from until you developed feelings. Now, in hindsight, he is all of a sudden "using" you and treating you poorly? Was he responsible to tell you to stop letting him have intercourse with you because you might develop feelings? If so, why?

 

I write with no sarcasm that it's a little too convenient for women to agree to a sexual arrangement and then, if they develop feelings, it is all of a sudden the man's fault for "using" them. That only hurts you - that only reinforces your lack of self-honesty and will begin to reinforce - if it hasn't already - a negative, cynical view of men as after one thing and out to "use" you.

 

I don't mean this to lash out at you - in fact, I mean it so that maybe you will change your mindset, take responsibility for your actions and decisions, and realize that sex buddy arrangements are not for you - they work for some people I am sure (not me, I wouldn't even ever try it) -- but without blaming this guy for assuming, correctly, that when you got naked with him you were fine with what he offered - and what he didn't. It will only help you in future dating relationships (rather than going down the victim/cynical/negative path).

 

I also don't mean this to judge you in deciding you were ok with this arrangement - nothing wrong with casual sex between two consenting adults - at all - but there is something wrong with this hindsight mindset, that's all. It's cool that you're no longer ok with it - we all make mistaken predictions about what will happen, I am just commenting on your mindset now.

 

And no in a sex buddy arrangement I don't think there's a double standard - only if you choose to create one if you regret what you did in hindsight. I do think the huge gender difference is pregnancy - he doesn't need to worry about that beyond child support, unlike you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I agree with Batya... if from the beginning you both agreed it would be just sex, you can't blame him if that's all he wants now.

 

All you can do is communicate clearly what you want, and if you discover what you want is very different than what he wants out of it, then recognize that your needs have changed and his haven't, so it's time to move on and get what you want from someone who is willing to give you more.

[Gratsy]

I don't think the OP is playing the victim. I don't think she's even aware that she's a victim. I think she honestly thinks in about this arrangement as though its a relationship.

 

I think that men who try to get this kind of arrangements are making victims out of the women in a sense...b/c they're playing to that hope the woman has that maybe this will make it become something more.

[justbrowsing]

I think no matter how you look at it she IS in a relationship w/this man. Now, they each may have a different perception as to to the depth of the relationship. Sounds like he sees it as just very superficial and sexual. She sees the potential of it being more than that and wants more.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I know someone who does a lot of FWBs, and he is very careful to insist it be understood that it is NOT a relationship. It is a friendship where they engage in sex now and again. That's where FWB term comes from. It is not RWB, relationship with benefits, but FWB, friendship with benefits.

 

Many women get wrapped around the axle assuming it is an RWB, heavy on the relationship part, and not perceiving it as a friendship only, while the guy thought he made it very clear it was just a friendship and not a relationship.

[sbux_addict]

I can speak from my own experience, as a WOMAN who is currently on an FWB arrangement. I was the one who proposed an FWB arrangement. It started out as a one-night stand, and then I asked if he could be my FWB. I told him FLAT OUT from the get-go that I AM NOT LOOKING for a relationship. I just needed somebody to do it with. Although I was massively attracted to him physically, I knew that nothing would come out of it. So please don't think that ALL WOMEN get into this arrangement thinking that if they have sex with the man, then it would turn into a relationship. Like I said, I didn't have that mindset to begin with.

 

So then I enter the FWB arrangement. But then it was different from all the other ones I read about (this is my first FWB), in that after sex we would smoke and just talk. He would talk about his problems, we would talk about life. I felt connected to this man, and he has told me that he does feel a connection with me as well. He enjoys my company, and I enjoy his - well, in bed. He would always stay for about 5 hours. He has slept over more than 5 times. We would cuddle up, we would make out - as in one of those passionate, intense kisses....

 

So now, even though my intention from the get-go was to just have a FB arrangement, I started to grow feelings because I was starting to see this person as a human being, and not just somebody I shag. AND THAT IS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES…when unrequited feelings get in the way. So now, I’m in a conundrum. The thing is, I have feelings for this guy, because that’s how I feel, but I can’t even see myself in a relationship with him. Or I don’t know yet, because I don’t know him well enough.

Anyway, so now, the playing the victim part – I don’t buy that. I agree that the man IS NOT using you if you agree to an arrangement that you’re just going to have sex with no strings attached. BOTH PARTIES are using each other – man and woman.