Holidaying without bf

[allypally]

OK, here's how it goes.

 

My bf's mother has been preparing to move into a retirement flat since last year. First she was going to be moving in Oct this year, now it'll be November instead.

 

My bf and I were planning on going to S.America - because he has to help his mother move, I can't see us going away now.

 

When he texted me on Tuesday night after we had got back from our long weekend, he told me that she wasn't moving until November now, and she knew we were planning on going to S.America.

 

Now, I have been looking forward for months to going away in November. I have taken off 5 days this year and am in desparate need of a break.

 

If I hang around for my bf to get his act together (he is v last minute about most things), then we'll never go anywhere, along comes Christmas and it'll be too expensive to go away anyway and his mother will want him to be there with her.

 

I have taken liberty and booked myself a holiday to the Middle East.

 

I am expecting a bad reaction to this, but I really, really, really need a break and if I wait around for them it'll never happen.

 

Your thoughts on this please.

[ghost69]

you sound kind of selfish. but if you need a break, take a break. i think you should have talked to him before just booking something though.

[allypally]

I have discussed it with him on numerous occasions.

 

I'm not sure how you have reached the conclusion that I've been selfish. I've been waiting around for him and his mother to sort themselves and now this has happened and as I said before it'll be Christmas and too expensive to go anywhere.

 

I am also prepared to return with him to our home country and not emmigrate.

 

Point being, in response to his text I said that I thought that perhaps it looked like S.America was off the cards given that his mother was moving - he said he would sleep on it.

 

We spoke last night on the phone and he never mentioned S.America at all.

[ghost69]

i said selfish because he has a priority to take care of and you still feel the need to have to go somewhere regardless instead of waiting.

[redhearts]

Middle east? =O. Maybe hes not the traveling type.

[amipushy]

I'm with ghost, I think you should have discussed it with him first.

 

Think how you would feel if it was the other way around- You have a commitment to your mother and then he decides "To hell with her and her mother - I'm off!" I don't know if thats what you thought but thats the way it comes accross, sorry but it does.

 

You are blowing this relationship.

[allypally]

But is it really being selfish though??

[JadedStar]

I don't think you are being selfish. YOu booked this vacation time off of work way in advance. YOu were more than accomodating when the mother was moving now vs then. She happens to wait to move untl the time of your trip. (did i get this right?)

 

It is his mom. I think it would be a lot to ask that you not use your original vacation time that you had planned to vacation to help his mom move.

 

The reason I say that is because you explained that you have been waiting for him and his mother to get this act together for awhile. I am a huge proponent of helping families, even an SO's family, but I am not a fan of wishy washy people and a move is not something you should keep moving around in dates if you have people involved who are helping you. It isn't being very considerate of their schedules.

[amipushy]

Selfish is - Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others".

 

So, yes I would say so.

 

Shoot me but I wouldnt have done it. I would have discussed, seen the other point of view, understood and rearranged. Or gone on a earlier date together possbly? Anything but that.

[JadedStar]

Selfish is - Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others".

 

So, yes I would say so.

 

Shoot me but I wouldnt have done it. I would have discussed, seen the other point of view, understood and rearranged.

 

I do not see how her enjoying her time off she has earned on her job as being a disregard for the comfort of her SO. I do not think this falls in line with the definition. There is no rulebook that states people who are dating have to vacation together if both schedules are not in sync.

 

If her vacation would cause the b/f to lose money or bring him major discomfort or harm that would be different. But it's not. If any money is lost from b/f for the trip that is mom's doing, not allys. It is an inconvenience perhaps that she won't be there to help mom move, but that is all. Mom was supposed to be moving now. I am wondering what the reason is for such a major shift in move dates. That is something that you don't just move around at random if you have others helping you.

 

The only thing that should have been done is tell him BEFORE booking it. But the actual going is not selfish.

[amipushy]

If he had said no, he can't be bothered maybe. It doesn't matter why she changed dates, she has and so all this has done is show me that he's a good guy who sticks by his family and his commitments come what may and its like the OP has given him a kick in the teeth, for it so I still stick with my original opinion.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree with this. Do you know why the move has been delayed? Is the place not ready? There seems to have been a lot of wishy washy behaviour throughout the relationship..you two never really seem to be in sync...it seems that you had bailed on a trip with him early on. So I think the trip is just one more thing in a relationship that is not exactly on healthy ground.

[amipushy]

There seems to have been a lot of wishy washy behaviour throughout the relationship..you two never really seem to be in sync...it seems that you had bailed on a trip with him early on. So I think the trip is just one more thing in a relationship that is not exactly on healthy ground.

 

I don't think you can blame him for what's happening at his mothers end. But I do agree with the above.

[allypally]

She bought this flat months ago, but it hasn't been ready for her to move into.

 

Originally she was going to be moving into it in October. I gather it still isn't ready and so now it'll be November. My bf told his mother only last week that we were going to S.America in November - it just seems coincidental to me.

 

I have been extremely accommodating and helped both my bf and his mother with moving stuff, and have no bad feeling for having done this.

 

BUT I have worked my butt off, I am exhausted and need a break and it would seem that when I can take time off is being dictated by my bf's mother.

 

TBH when my bf said he would sleep on the whole S.America situation tuesday night, I thought he would bring it up in conversation last night when we spoke, but it would seem he is avoiding the subject.

 

He asked me nearly a year ago whether or not I wanted to go with him to S.America, and now that time is approaching and its being pushed back/delayed again and again.

 

If anything he isn't considering that my holiday time is precious to me as I have been accommodating his and his mother's situation not just on that level but my emmigration plans too.

[amipushy]

Then who cares about the relationship and the lack of communication hmm- You go and enjoy yourself!!!

[ghost69]

JS, it is a bit selfish cause all i saw through this thread was complaining how his choice to help his mom was hindering 'her' vacation with him. see it now?

[allypally]

Amipushy - not sure how to take your comment. Are you being sarcastic??

 

I do care about the relationship but I am struggling with the lack of communication. My bf keeps mentioning S.America and so we talk about what we'd like to do, but when it comes to the crunch and booking, instead he is delaying it.

 

What am I supposed to do?? What around until he has sorted his mother out, in the meantime I am even more frazzled because of my job and the fact that nothings happening.

 

We had a lovely long weekend together which he booked just a few days before, but I basically told him that that particular weekend would be best as I needed a break.

[allypally]

We all have a duty towards our parents - I am moving mountains to help mine but they wouldn't stop me from taking a vacation.

 

However, his mother is financially extremely secure but is happy to stop us from having some time off work until she has moved. Thats how it comes accross.

 

My bf has been stressed over work and has said loads of times that he needs some time off.

[amipushy]

My bf has been stressed over work and has said loads of times that he needs some time off.

 

Then why did you book a holiday alone if you knew he felt like that?

[allypally]

But you can also reverse the situation - he knows how much I need time off, and how stressful my job is but I don't complain about it, whereas he complains about his.

 

When we go away is being dictated by his circumstances.

 

It seems one-sided.

[JadedStar]

JS, it is a bit selfish cause all i saw through this thread was complaining how his choice to help his mom was hindering 'her' vacation with him. see it now?

 

No, i do not see it that way ghost. I see that she has been more than accomodating and this move date keeps changing which is not her fault. She worked hard to earn her vacation and b/f can't even acknowledge it when he said he would 'sleep on it". I think he wasn't enthused about going and this is his excuse and way out. Do you find that FAIR? I do not.

 

I do not see it as selfish for a person who worked hard all year to still want to enjoy her vacation. If b/f was concerned about HER he would make it a top priority to discuss a trip that THEY planned that he had to cancel.

 

It doesn't sound like one time he said "ally, i am so sorry we are going to miss this trip, let me make it up to you by doing XYZ". No, instead he assumed she would just lose the trip and help mom and he never even asked.

 

Mom needs to pin these people down on a specific time and tell them that she has people with schedules they need to keep depending on this move.

[amipushy]

But you can also reverse the situation - he knows how much I need time off, and how stressful my job is but I don't complain about it, whereas he complains about his.

 

When we go away is being dictated by his circumstances.

 

It seems one-sided.

 

He has made a commitment to his mother, thats why. Why didnt you just book a last minute deal and go earlier seeing as her moving was delayed, that would have been the better option surely?

[JadedStar]

But you can also reverse the situation - he knows how much I need time off, and how stressful my job is but I don't complain about it, whereas he complains about his.

 

When we go away is being dictated by his circumstances.

 

It seems one-sided.

 

I agree and is why i wrote my above post. I have not heard of you mentioning that he has been concerned at all that you have had to break your vacation. If he is ok with helping mom and letting the folks working on her place screw them all around that is his choice, but it shouldn't have to be yours. You have been accomodating from what I have read. it's not like you were not going to help her at all.

[JadedStar]

He has made a commitment to his mother, thats why. Why didnt you just book a last minute deal and go earlier seeing as her moving was delayed, that would have been the better option surely?

 

Right. HE made a commitment to his mother. And he did not have the decency to discuss this iwth his g/f or offer any type of alternate arrangment or ANYTHING.

 

LIke i said I think he didn't want to go on this trip and this is a perfect excuse. He has not even bothered to discuss this with her and ASSUMES she wants to break the trip and not even try to make other arrangements.

 

This guy is no martyr that everyone makes him out to be IMO. I think he has decided how it will be and made a lot of assumptions and almost like saying screw allies plans i have made a decision and that's how it will be.

[amipushy]

Wow. Some things are more important you know?

 

His mother is moving home, probably for the last time in her life. A vacation can be taken at anytime of the year, on any year of the rest of your life.