What are your thoughts on cheating?

[h0pelessr0mantic]

What are some of the signs that someone is cheating?

Is the phrase, once a cheater always a cheater true?

So here is my situation:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. During the course of the relationship I have caught him in alot of stuff, but I have no conclusive evidence that he has actually had sex with another woman. However here is what I do know:

-In the past, he has cheated on every single girl that he has been with

-when we first started going out he would still be messaging other girls on msn, calling them sweet names and hanging out with them (he stopper after the first few months because i got upset)

- a few months into the relationship i caught him talking to this one girl who lived right next door from his stepbrothers house, he was talking to her about kissing her and having sex and he even gave her his number, when she asked about me he said who cares, when i confronted him he told me it was just a joke he was playing

- He has an obsession with pornography, he looks at it at least 3 times a week if not more

- he has ALWAYS accused me of cheating, he is overly jelous and controlling (looking through MY phone records, e-mails etc)

- About 6 months into the relationship i find out through his browsing history that he created profiles for internet dating sites and internet sites specializing in discreet hookups, he once again said he was just joking on them, then he started to delete his history

- i then find out about a secret e-mail account, and i find that he has added alot of older women onto the account. He claims they were transferred somehow by mistake.

- about a year into the relationship i find another way to look at history and once again, he has been visiting these sites (saying that he is particularly interested in having sex with an older woman), he says that he just goes on to look and that it was in part my fault because i didn't give him enough compliments or make him feel loved, he promises never to go on them again. He starts completely erasing ALL history, including cookies and temporary internet files.

- throughout the relationship he has disappeared on me for many nights and I have caught him in sooo many lies

- about 4 months ago I find another method of monitoring his computer activity and ONCE again he is on these sites! He is talking to these women and is even talking to prostitutes and asking for prices. He even told some of the women on the site that he did cheat on his ex (referring to me, as i am the only asian he has ever been with and his story was he just got out of a long term relaitonship) at least twice. He also said that he meet up with 3 women off such internet sites and told very detailed accounts about the meetups. I found out about a meet he had planned. I went to the bar before him and waited, then i broke up with him. He begged for me back, promised to change, i took him back.

NOW... I don't know if he can remain faithful. What do you guys think??? Do you think he has already cheated? He denies it saying that he just told those women those things to exaggerate...but why would you want to publicize that you are a cheater??? Right now he has made SOME changes, he stopped smoking weed and drinking, but he still smokes ciggarettes. He doesn't disappear on me for the whole night (i usually get a phone call around 12), but i go to sleep at 12, so i don't know what he does afterwards. However, before, when he used to stay up late, he would wake up around 2 or 3 pm, now he is awake by noon usually. He doesn't use his own computer to go on those internet dating sites, but he has made a few trip to the internet cafe. he does STILL accuse me of cheating. ahhh i don't know, this is eating me up inside. He is nicer to me, and he tells me how much he loves me and how much i mean to him, whyy do i buy into this!!! I feel so helpless. I mean, he already knows all the tricks that i used to catch him before and he doens't have a cell phone and he lives with his mom, so any older women calling the house, he could just say it was his moms friend. Whats next?? I am going crazy. I have even thought about bugging his phone or hiring a PI, but then i stop and think that that is absolutely ridiculous!

I have confronted him about taking a polygraph test and he has refused. I even told him i would pay for it. He then said that he would only take it AFTER i took one, got the results and THEN he would take it. He also said that if he was going to take the test i would have to pay for both tests. I told him that i have nothing to hide and if he wanted me to take the test i would, but since it would be for his peace of mind, he should pay for it. He said no, that i would have to pay for both, i think he is only saying this because he knows i can't afford both tests and even if i did pay for both, he would probably back out after i took the test (since he wants me to take it first and then show him MY results before he does it).

[tina-rocks]

I'm so sorry your faced with feeling this way.

 

I would never cheat.

 

It destroys lives and it's simply not something I would be prepared to do.

 

When I love it's everything and doing that is simply not an option.

 

Difficult to know the signs as people that do cheat tend to be sneaky like the act itself

 

My heart is with you

[Loki71]

It doesn't matter if he is sleeping with them or not. He is cheating. What he is doing is emotional cheating at least. You should let him go and find some one better

[redhearts]

he has ALWAYS accused me of cheating, he is overly jelous and controlling (looking through MY phone records, e-mails etc)

 

One of the biggest signs. Couldn't be any more obvious he's done it more than once? Don't waster your time! Joking about things happening ughh ya sure, what an idiot! Another thing is all these sites, he has sexual issues. I say dump him, get tested and move on.

 

HES A CHEATER and hes manipulating you!

[Wolf_22]

Anyone who cheats should be shot.

[h0pelessr0mantic]

I think the MAIN reason why I haven't broken up with him yet is because I have no evidence of him actually sleeping with anyone. I have alot of evidence of him looking for people and I have evidence of him telling other people that he did cheat, but nothing that proves he actually did any of those things. There may be one way of finding out the truth indefinitely. He used to be REALLY good friends with this one guy. We used to all hang out alot together (me, my boyfriend and all his friends, since my boyfriend never really cared much for doing things i wanted to do we would always hang out with his friends and do what they wanted to do) and this guy is a really good guy, really honest. If i asked my boyfriend about his disappearances in front of everyone (i would say something like...so what did you guys do last night) he (his friend) would always be like: don't lie, you know you didn't do that if my boyfriend did lie. Well NOW they are not talking because my boyfriend is mad at him. I think if i ask him about my boyfriend i may be able to finally know the truth. The only problem is, if my boyfriend ever knew about me talking to him, he would break up with me and never talk to me again. Should i ask this guy about the truth?

I know some of you are thinking: well whats the problem with him breaking up with you? The problem is, he might NOT just break up with me. He might first get VERY enraged and do something. I don't know. He sometimes tells me that if he ever caught me even talking to another guy he would kill me. He says it sometimes in a joking tone, sometimes not. I think he is joking but you never know. He has physcially hurt me though (when we have had really heated fights). He has also smashed some of my belongings when he was angry.

[kallison]

Honestly, I DON'T believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying, but I do believe it applies in your case. Get away from that; you don't deserve to be treated like you're doing something wrong. If there's any suspicion in your mind that he's cheating, there's a VERY good chance that he is.

[jcrisph]

he is cheating on you

[Clementine orange]

Anyone who cheats should be shot.

 

Why stop there? I think all extremists should be taken out and shot.

 

OP: This guy is no good, seriously...take your pride and move on

[jengh]

Looking is cheating in my book. He sounds sneaky, deceptive, manipulative...ugh. I couldn't handle it. Regain some sanity and break up with him.

 

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I've cheated in the past but that was just it--the PAST. But in this guy's case...always a cheater.

[loulee]

If were you I would re read your post and try and detach yourself emotionally and pretend you are someone else just for a minute..then highlight ALL of the "wonderful things in it about this boyfriend....he is controlling...a liar...a philanderer whether he has follwed thru with any of these girls or not is irrelevant..he has no respect for you obviously..he tries to shift guilt on to you and blame you in order to bring you DOWN to his level...oh yes and he shows he can get quite angry.. Write down the things you should be sharing and enjoying in a relationship and tick off which ones you are in this one....then add the anxiety..suspicion..worry..heartache..sleeplessness....sadness...and get your NIKES on and do a runner before all of your self esteem is zapped..

[GoldenHillGuy]

Why stop there? I think all extremists should be taken out and shot.

 

LOL.........Was the irony in this statement deliberate?

[doyathink]

It's pretty obvious he's cheating to me. I mean, how much more evidence do you need to confirm it? Are you waiting to catch him in the act itself or what?

 

Dump him....you'll end up with a disease you cant get rid of.

[thejigsup]

If cheating bothers you, dump him. If he isn't actively cheating on you now, it sounds like he will be soon. I am no fan of cheating, but I believe there are worse things a person could do to you, like hit you. I've had both doneto me. Hitting hurt worse. THAT is the one thing I will not put up with, ever.

[redhearts]

How about this, its evidence hes EMOTIONALLY cheating at the very LEAST. Although we all know hes been sleeping around.

[SimplySasha]

Is the phrase, once a cheater always a cheater true?

I'm not sure that its indicitive of always being a cheater, but I've found that once you cheat on someone, it's easier to do it again.

 

-In the past, he has cheated on every single girl that he has been with

-when we first started going out he would still be messaging other girls on msn, calling them sweet names and hanging out with them (he stopper after the first few months because i got upset)

- a few months into the relationship i caught him talking to this one girl who lived right next door from his stepbrothers house, he was talking to her about kissing her and having sex and he even gave her his number, when she asked about me he said who cares, when i confronted him he told me it was just a joke he was playing

 

- He has an obsession with pornography, he looks at it at least 3 times a week if not more

A lot of guys look at porn. I'd leave this one alone as long as it's not illegal porn. (animals, kids, 2girls1cup kinda thing)

 

but why would you want to publicize that you are a cheater???

Some people find that to be their particular kind of trophy and from what I've read here, it sounds like this guy is proud of his sexual escapades.

 

- he has ALWAYS accused me of cheating, he is overly jelous and controlling (looking through MY phone records, e-mails etc)

Yes, but you're doing the same kind of controlling thing to him.... you're going through his browsing history, you're finding secret e-mail accounts, you're monitoring his computer activity, you want him to take a polygraph test, you wanted to bug his phone, and even considered a PI. You are right that it is pretty ridiculous and because you have actually done these things and have considered doing some of them and you keep on doing these things you're acting pretty crazy. I understand that someone actually has to be driven to this point if they otherwise aren't that kind of nosy person, and you seem like you weren't at first, but at some point, he's going to turn this behavior back around on you and make you look like the paraniod bad guy. It seems like your instincts are telling you that this guy is bad news and you're doing these things hoping that you won't find anything, but you do find shady things out, and you still stay with him.

 

He's broken some of your things out of anger. Plus he's actually laid a hand on you out of anger, heated argument or not, that's no excuse and any man worth his salt would not strike someone they "loved" out of anger. He threatened to kill you if you talked to another guy as well, and that's coming from another guy who is allowed, in his mind, to talk to other girls.

 

Drop him. This relationship sounds like it may escalate into something that you don't need to be involved with. This man brings nothing to the table but misery for you. Why stay? So what if he whines that he loves you and makes some pitiful promises to change? Is that really all it takes to earn your complete devotion? Some guy to just randomly blubber his I love you's and treat you like crap the rest of the time? Does he think you're some stupid worker he can keep stringing along? You aren't. Stand up and leave this clown. You deserve better than this guy.

[midnightrambler]

Anyone who cheats should be shot.

 

or stoned like in Iran? cheating is very complicated

[lostagain]

Please leave asap...I know it's hard because you love him but I wasted 10 years of my life on a guy who I was always suspicious of. I found suspicious e-mails, text messages, interenet browser history that included dating sites and everytime I confronted him he made excuses. Said it was just innocent flirting and nothing had happened. He even pretended to be really sorry a few times and gave me complete access to all his passwords, phone, etc....Once he felt like the trust was coming back I would find something else out. Deep down I always knew the truth but because I didnt have concrete proof I would choose to stay and believe his excuses.

You just have to know that he will NEVER admit to it and my biggest lesson from all of this is that I have to always trust my instincts. You know when something's not right and he will do anything to make you think you're just crazy. You can't fall for this, think about everything you've uncovered and you'll realize that he has cheated. I'm sorry to say it but if he hasn't it can only be from a lack of opportunity and not a lack of trying. You deserve much better than this...I am leaving the apt we share tomorrow and he's still denying what happened. I didnt have concrete proof when I decided to leave but recently spoke to his best friend (who's become my friend too) and she told me to trust my instincts. That's all she had to say, I know she doesnt want to betray his trust but at the same time she knows he's wrong for what he did and wants me to know that I am doing the right thing. I hope that you will find the courage and strength to do this. I know it's hard to let go but I have to believe that it's better to be alone than with someone who has no respect for me or our relationship.

[xItalianxPrincessx]

if things don't make sense ever, its usually because they're not true!! he sounds like hes a straight up player and i really cant believe you've stuck it out for 3 yrs! from only knowing this of you, you def seem like someone who is caring, forgiving and absolutely deserving of something much more than he has given you! im not saying hes a horrible person- theres a reason you guys have lasted 3 yrs- he prob does care for/love you and you obviously love him--- but you have such a LONG list of problems, and pretty significant ones at that, of things that are making you not trust him, and you have every reason not to trust him. i no i wouldnt at all. i hope you look at things from an outside perspective and realize that you deserve someone who is honest and truthful with you. theres prob an internal reason why he feels he needs to cheat or have multiple girls. i dont think 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is true, (b/c i cheated on my bf of currently over 4 yrs when we first go together but i learned my lesson) but i think he needs to start being 100% truthful to you and should be willing to prove any/everything to you until you do trust him. although, honestly, i dont think he will be willing to do everything he can to save your relationship. maybe losing u, for maybe temp or for good, will open his eyes to see that you really do care for him, but girl you def do not deserve to be lied to, have things hidden from you, and God forbid he actually sleeps with someone, he could bring home an STD, HIV or even get someone pregnant. realize what you're worth and love yourself enough to grow stronger from mistakes you make, bc if u never fix them you will be in a horrible, life long rut and you will only grow more miserable. get some gfs together and tell them you need support if you want to break up with him. take things one day at a time and move on. i hope you do the right thing for yourself and for your future. i promise you, you will be 100% happier once you're out of this deceiptful relationship!

[bijoux27]

He's cheating for sure.

[girl68]

He is so far past the line that the line is just a dot to him.

 

His "joking" is pretty disturbing. Okay how about YOU have some fun and play a few "jokes" on him. Make a profile soliciting sex, have sexy incriminating msn converstaions and then say "Oh honey, I'm just joking" Yeah, NOT. Geeze, he's a idiot for thinking you'll believe him and you're and idiot (sorry, not literally, just trying to knock some sense into you) for no kicking his a$$ to the curb because he's "jokes" are soooo funny!