2 months on, lot of confusion. And thanks yellow sweater

[Joop86au]

Hey guys, just a spur of the moment thing I decided to check to see if there where any forums on breaking up, and I am glad that I did.

I especially would like to thank yellow sweater for her 'My One-Year Update: HEALED' post, it made me feel a whole lot better, step 4 is a massive thing for me at the moment, as well as the whole facebook thing

 

Okay a brief (sortof) summary of my situation

She was my first major GF, a couple of month long things before hand but thats it. We had been going out for 6 years since we where both 16. She was always the more dependent one, which I guess gave me a false sense of security in the relationship. To be honest with myself, things where a bit rocky, we where in a bit or a rut, and we argued a bit (mostly about money, Im in my final year of uni, so Im poor, and she had started working so she has money and wanted to do things with it). Anyway she went interstate for three months as part of a work training thing and one month into it, after an argument over the phone, she just breaks it off. Not only that but within about an hour she had jumped on Facebook and changed her status, anouncing to everyone we had broken up, so I didnt even get the chance to tell my mates the way I wanted to. I had people asking about the breakup before I even knew it was common knowledge!

Anyway I had to go into the field the very next day for a month, and let me tell you a month with strangers, no contact with home, and the featurless Australian outback does not help you feel any better. I stopped eating, blaming a stomach virus, couldnt sleep for a few days etc etc

Anyway after I came back I jumped back into as many social things with my mates as I could, and in general they where really good about things. But here comes the confusion, I met someone pritty much the first weekend I went out after I came back...

It was all great for a few weeks, shes nice, funny etc etc, and even though I am not having much fun, I blamed that on the breakup, as everything I do atm isnt nearly as enjoyable as it used to be. So for several weeks I though I was better, I though little about the old relationship and tried to move on with my life.

And then the EX called up, and everythings gone to s*&t again

Shes giving off heaps of mixed signals, Im not sure if she wants the relationship again, or if thats just wishfull thinking on my part. Im also now doubting everything ive done over the last month since ive been back, did I go out with this other girl just because Im one of those people who NEEDS to be in a relationship? Probably, but does that make the relationship any less worth it?! Am I even ready for a relationship again?! Probably not I again admit, but to be honest its very lonely being single and Im not used to it.

And then Im getting stupid thoughs about being over the hill, ive waisted so much of my life and all of the good people are in relationships now, OMG IM ONLY 22!! Whats wrong with me?

The EX is coming back in a few days (havent seen her since b4 the break up) and I am hoping that the talk with at least give me some closure one way or the other, but Im also pritty sure that if there is no desire on her part its just gonna knock me back down. Shes says she wants to stay friends, which im not sure about, and then I pickup hints that maybe it was just a bit of timeout that she wanted...then why the breakup in the first place?! She also seems pritty wrapped up in making sure that not everyone back home hates her for how things turned out.

 

Anyway enough rambling for now, Im not even sure if any of that made sense.

 

Thanks again guys

[Xetra Dax]

ya it makes sense. look.

 

She's also being miserable for throwing out 6 years away of her life, and she does love you, but you guys have issues that drive you apart, the question is why?

 

Couples that don't work as a team only damage eachothers potential. Instead of working together on solving your problems, you have been blaming eachother and holding those problems against eachother ,and then it became a personal issue, and then it turns ugly because we want the other person to be what they are not. Never try to change the other person, make them want to change by letting them decide for themselves, basically work together on solving problems instead of working against eachother by blaming.

 

No one wants to be in a pool of negativity, nor anyone. This is why we have to be nice to eachother inside of a relationship. Your gf might have a different opinion, ok to each their own,and just let it be. its not a reason to fight about.

[yellow_sweater]

First, you are welcome! I just ask that, when you are through these difficult times, you come back here and show us with your example how you are doing. Ok?

 

Second, I'm sensing a lot of confusion in your world right now. Everything from "how could she change her FB relationship status SO FAST" to "what do I want right now" to "what am I ready for right now" to "what is going through my ex's head" to "where is this going" to... well, you know what I mean. Part of getting through this confusion is giving yourself the TIME and SPACE to do so. What does that mean?

 

When you start to think, "Heck, I should be over this," gently remind yourself that it's is totally ok, totally normal that you are not. You are going through a process, a journey... you can't snap your fingers and come to the destination. Gotta stay on the path.

 

And give yourself space. For me, that meant separating myself from my ex, both mentally and physically, so I could figure out things for myself, without him in the picture. You might want to consider whether having your ex in your life is the best for you. Is she just going to add more confusion to the mix?

 

If you decide that you need a breather to get your head on straight, don't worry that she'll forget about you. Believe me, she won't. And if she forgets about you that quickly... well then, it's for the best.

 

I hope this helps a little. Keep posting here to talk through your thoughts. That might help you to make some sense of what's going on. And hang in there. It will get better.

 

YS

[Joop86au]

Auuugh! Okay ex flew back into town today, and now I dont know where I stand

So she called me yesterday, i was at coffee and I didnt feel like being used so I said 'sorry im pritty busy atm, can I talk to you later' and that was that, made me feel more in control though

So she flys back this afternoon, and she calls me up when shes home, shes upset, everythings reminding her of the relationship, lonely etc etc

I was going to try to have this meeting this sunday, but I knew that i would just spend the next couple of days thinking about it, so I agree to catch up with her in a park near my uni.

So we talk, all of the old connections, get along well, laugh, blah blah blah. She comments how well I look, and how I seem to have so much more ambition, and how I seem to be completely okay with things (she was crying a fair bit, I appeared quite upbeat despite my inner turmoil). So we talk some more, shes DESPERATE to remain friends, clutching at straws for any excuse, ive made it clear that I will think about it for a week or two.

We also talked about possible reconciliation, I mentioned that if it was to happen I wouldnt feel confortable unless we took it really slow, and delt with our issues, and she seemed to agree. But she also never out and out said that she wanted reconciliation, more of a 'see how we feel in a couple of months or so' sort of thing.

Now I feel like thats maybe just stringing me along....dammit I dont know what any of it means.

Anyway to summarise I think I came out of the meeting okay, she wanted a big hug at the end, and I wont be calling her, she needs to make the next move.

But dammit, I feel like * * * * now

[Joop86au]

Hmmmmmm...now she called me up tonight, I missed the call, probably wouldnt have answered anyway, just to soon. So half an hour later I get an sms from her best friends BF (we always used to double date, that sort of thing) and hes saying how 'you know she still loves you, and just wants to get back together' etc etc

So I call her back, and shes crying, asking me how to deal with the pain, ffs I had to deal with this * * * * ty pain months ago ON MY OWN, and now that its just hitting her she wants advice on working through it.....

Anyway again I thinks shes really confused, heaps of mixed signals about reconciling or not, so ive left it that she should get in contact with me in a week or so once shes a little bit more calmed down and shes spoken to friends or whoever she needs to.

Then she seems a bit ticked off at me for the fact that im so calm about things, she thinks that ive completely moved on and that im over everything. Its almost like shes fishing for me just to come out and say 'PLEASE LETS GET BACK TOGETHER' so she can feel better bout herself or something...

Anyway enough ranting, atleast im feeling okay within myself atm

[Joop86au]

Hmmm well I should have figured this would happen, but her being back has brought back feelings and making my life hard again. Last night she was pritty upset and didnt want to go to work the next day, I left it that she should think about things for a week or two and then get back into contact with me to see how she feels about things.

And now ive sent her an sms, its not even much of an sms just ''Hey, just a quick sms, so how did it go today?" but why do I feel like ive lost so much doing it? The second I sent it I felt like crap.

[yellow_sweater]

You have a very good handle on this situation, even if you don't feel like you do. I know that you're remaining calm outwardly, but I also empathize with all of the internal turmoil.

 

Here are some really great points that you've identified...

 

"I feel like she's stringing me along." YES. She is.

 

"I think she's really confused." YES. She is. Probably not for the reason you think, however. She broke up with you. She made her choice. She's not so confused about that. You don't risk losing someone if you value them. She's confused by how well you are dealing with the break up, and how poorly she's dealing with it. Listen: that's HER problem. Not yours. Even if you were in a relationship, she needs to know how to take care of herself and comfort herself.

 

This is an important point. Yes, she's hurting and confused. But you can't make things better for her. Only SHE can make things better. Resist the urge to comfort her or to talk things through for her. She needs to mature and learn to handle it on her own.

 

"The second I sent it, I felt like crap." YES. In the end, sweetness, all you have is yourself. That doesn't mean you can't also be in a relationship, that just means that, when push comes to shove, YOU are responsible for your own well-being. IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP TO BE IN CONTACT WITH HER, DON'T BE IN CONTACT WITH HER.

 

Keep writing here if you're confused. Talking things through with us might be helpful. You can also PM me, if you need to.

 

Be well and hang in there

YS