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attracted to something that one cannot have


renaissancewoman101

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I know most people would say it would be the challenge. I dunno. I'm curious though, most people have been attracted to things, people, possessions, that one can't have. How did you guys stop the attraction?

 

I see so many posts about attraction to ex's and such, and if you know the ex ain't coming back, or stuff like that, how do you stop your attraction, mentally?

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Hmm, is this about the married guy Ren?

 

you dont have to answer that, but if so all the more reason to not hang out with him alone!

 

a little bit. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed his company until these last two days. I've been having a very stressful time at work lately and thinking about my weekend and being able to hang with my friends and such, brought a smile to my face and some happiness to me.

 

And people could tell. I think I now know, I must be kind of depressing at work because when I am happier and my heart is enthralled (hard to explain), I give off happy vibes and people respond more positively to me.

 

Makes me realize that maybe I have a morose and depressing personality and hence maybe my co-workers feed off that and react thusly to me.

 

I'm not going to act on this. Too much at stake, and it's WRONG!!!!!

 

I just feel odd that hanging out with him really made me this much happier (like a ray of sunshine).

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i think you were just happy to have some positive attention from a man. don't take this as a sign that this guy is for you. rather, just know that there are good guys out there.

 

I know he's not for me. He's married and I don't poach other women's guys.

 

I guess I was just flattered to have some positive attention from a guy. I don't get that that often.

 

Caterina, you could be right. I find myself attracted to some of the oddest people in life. I can't explain it. Like with my ex, the first time I saw him, I was attracted to him. I had seen him at a Ren Faire party months before I asked him out on a date, and there was something about him that struck my fancy. A twinge.

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Well there is nothing wrong with the attraction. We can't always help who we are attracted to and it is healthy to have physical attractions. The key is what you DO with that attraction and i don't think you would do anytihng inappropriate because your morals are too high.

 

But if you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of him the healthiest thing would be to not hang out with him anymore. It will only cause pain if you really start to dig him knowing you can't have him.

 

As Annie said, take this as a sign that there ARE good men out there and you will find one like him that is available.

 

Keep going out on social events as you have been and it will happen. keep putting yourself out there, and staying out of that comfort zone you have built for yourself.

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It can be very flattering to receive attention from someone if it's not something you receive on a regular basis. Just keep in mind that he may be a very friendly, open "people person", who has that effect on a lot of people. Enjoy it, but try not to see it for anything more than what it is. Could you see yourself just enjoying a friendship with this person?

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JS, I won't go down that route because I could mess up any potential I could have for making friends with these people since they know a fair amount of people in the SCA. I could see that from the number of people that stopped by at their shop to chat, drink, and shoot the crap. Met some really good people too.

 

And I don't like to hurt other people.

 

But I really should squash the attraction. I guess that's what I was asking, how to squash it? I like the wife and want to hang out with her since she is very knowledgeable and funny and has a good heart. In many ways, she has a personality like me. Goes out of her way to do things for people, stuff like that.

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JS, I won't go down that route because I could mess up any potential I could have for making friends with these people since they know a fair amount of people in the SCA. I could see that from the number of people that stopped by at their shop to chat, drink, and shoot the crap. Met some really good people too.

 

And I don't like to hurt other people.

 

But I really should squash the attraction. I guess that's what I was asking, how to squash it? I like the wife and want to hang out with her since she is very knowledgeable and funny and has a good heart. In many ways, she has a personality like me. Goes out of her way to do things for people, stuff like that.

 

I don't think you would do it either Ren. I don't think you have the ability to willfully hurt anybody.

 

As for how to squash it, i know this isn't a good answer but if you find yourself really liking this guy more and more you might have to forego this friendship, even with the women since he is part of her packaged deal.

 

If you think the attraction can be kept at bay then hang out with them but make a real effort to avoid all of the alone time she pushed on you. That still seems weird to me. You don't want to get caught up in some creepy sexual triangle where the wife gets off on this (not saying that IS the case, but i swear you never know with people!).

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JS, i'm not sure what I am going to do yet. I know I won't see them around much unless I go to weekly practice, which I might since I can meet other people there.

 

I didn't realize how lonely I've been lately, until how this weekend really cheered me up and brought a sparkle to me, that people at work noticed and reacted positively to.

 

Maybe, with time, this will just simmer down. I sometimes will latch onto people who pay me positive attention, and this has caused me harm in the past.

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JS, i'm not sure what I am going to do yet. I know I won't see them around much unless I go to weekly practice, which I might since I can meet other people there.

 

I didn't realize how lonely I've been lately, until how this weekend really cheered me up and brought a sparkle to me, that people at work noticed and reacted positively to.

 

Maybe, with time, this will just simmer down. I sometimes will latch onto people who pay me positive attention, and this has caused me harm in the past.

 

Well this is a good point. I think you have this attraction BECAUSE of the loneliness, and that will be cured by going to more of these events. YOu will find other available men who also make you feel good and this won't be an issue anymore.

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ren, maybe this guy has some single friends he can introduce you to? i'd keep hanging out, but limited, include the wife, and don't spend too much time with this married guy. he sounds like a good friend, his wife too, you obviously don't want to mess that up.

 

i agree, i think it's that you had a good time that you are feeling what you are feeling.

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I don't think you would do it either Ren. I don't think you have the ability to willfully hurt anybody.

 

As for how to squash it, i know this isn't a good answer but if you find yourself really liking this guy more and more you might have to forego this friendship, even with the women since he is part of her packaged deal.

 

If you think the attraction can be kept at bay then hang out with them but make a real effort to avoid all of the alone time she pushed on you. That still seems weird to me. You don't want to get caught up in some creepy sexual triangle where the wife gets off on this (not saying that IS the case, but i swear you never know with people!).

 

I completely agree - stay away from him unless he is with his wife, and even that should be rare. And no alone time.

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Hmmm, it's really hard to out-right STOP being attracted to someone. Attraction is such a natural thing in life, not something one can really avoid.

 

Like others have said, I think you're just happy to have a guy take interest in you. I mean, it's totally normal, I'm the same way.You just have to keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you SHOULDN'T be attracted to him. Just repeat "married married married" over and over or whatever it is that's bad.

 

Focus your attention on something else. Your piggies, ren faires, the pottery, etc. When this guy comes in to talk to you, keep it brief. Nothing about your personal lives. That will only make it harder.

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Tonight, I had an SCA thing to go to, it's a monthly newcomer's meeting that I've been going to for the last three months. It's also at the same place where they have fighter practice.

 

I was late to the meeting. When I got there, I realize that he, his wife, etc., was there since I saw their car. He was there for practice. She and her friend ended up coming to the newcomer's meeting and after the two hour meeting, I got to talking to a guy that had come in with me (I think this guy might be attracted to me because this weekend, he was a merchant there and I got to talking to him; later on, this guy saw me sitting on a bench eating something and he came and joined me and started talking to me for a long while until I had to go. Today he saw me and walked with me into the meeting, sat next to me and chatted with me afterwards).

 

She eventually came up to me and we all went outside and chatted. I saw her husband out of the corner of my eye and didn't pay attention to him, just kept on chatting with her. She eventually asked me for my phone number to put into her "phone book". I was like sure.

 

Later, after the other guy left, we all went by her husband and talked. He was happy to see me and went to give me a big hug. I only hugged him halfway back. Spent more time talking to her than him, although at times he talked about things that included me. I avoided a lot of eye contact with him, talked mostly to her. We all talked for about 45 minutes and joked around. I was relaxed and happy so I was pretty engaging with her and she enjoyed talking to me.

 

She wants me to get involved in some of the stuff they are doing and she wants to help sew me some garb. I bought her some dried cherries today, as my way of thanking of her for taking care of me this past weekend (she cooked some meals for me too). She was really thankful for that.

 

I'm not sure if I want to get too involved in doing stuff with them, although they would make good friends and I like the stuff they do. I'm on the fencepost about this I am keeping away from him. Yes, I did talk to him a few times, but always included her and I avoided a lot of eye contact with him.

 

I want a friendship and that is all. I will quash this feelings with determination.

 

After we chatted for about an hour, I excused myself and decided to go home. On my way to my car, I ran into a lady I knew and got to chatting with her for a long while. I got an invitation to go to another camping event sometime in Oct. Yay!!!!!

 

I know when I am happy, giddy, and stuff like that, I must give off some really positive vibes since people at work are more receptive to me lately, I attracted the attention of a guy today, and even the SCA people were friendly to me. Like the lady who talked to me right before I was going to go home. Most times she has appeared sullen to me and never really talked to me, even though we both attend a medieval dance class together once a month. But tonight, she approached me and we talked about a myraid of things and now she has invited me to another war event.

 

Life is strange.

 

Is this the right way to do things, where I give more attention to the wife than to the husband, I avoid looking at him that much, and when we talk, I address things to everybody in the group not just to him?

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I think those are very positive steps. I would decide to spend half as much time talking with the husband next time - even if the wife is there. If he happens to be in a larger group, that's fine, just focus on the others in the group. Then, the next time, talk even less to him.

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