sex is not important

[babii doll]

So my bf and I have been dating for 8 months now. in the beginning everything was great considering we live an hour apart we managed to find time for eachother.

 

he's my first serious boyfriend so im not really used to relationships..im 24 and he's 23. in the very beginning even before i met him ive always had a high sex drive. i was under the impression he did too, our sex life was consistent in the beginning.

 

after 4 months of dating everything just stopped, i think it was partially my fault for saying in a heated argument that he was bad in bed. now i know i was wrong for saying it, i apologized later.

 

but ever since then we have not had sex, we've never even spent a night together and its been 8 months now. whenever i try to plan a weekend getaway or just a night together something always comes up on HIS end.

 

im generally understanding because he does take care of his family and is busy with work alot of the time, but not ALL the time.

 

we've recently had a talk about the lack of sex and he blurted out that it wasnt important to him. i was surprised by that, being that he knew from the beginning that im pretty sexual, he also admitted that hes scared to have sex with me after what i said about him being bad in bed.

 

i try to assure him he isnt but it doesnt register for him and now i feel like im silently suffering in the process. sex isnt everything but i think for me its definitely important to be intimate with the person im with, its something that i need to function in a relationship.

 

its been 4 months since we've done anything and i've even thought about cheating, i would never actually do it but its definitely frustrating to be rejected the way i have during half of the relationship.

 

he makes me feel bad for wanting sex now and says thats all i think about which isnt true. i dont know if this is a deal breaker or not, but the simple fact that we havent even spent time away together is bothering me big time.

 

im not sure how to proceed with this, i do love the guy but i dont want to stay in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life.

 

what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[redhearts]

Tell him it makes you feel unattracted and unwanted that hes bascially rejecting you. At this point if its that important to you then maybe its best to find a partner who has a high sex drive and doesn't put a front for it. But maybe hes saying he values your relationship and being with you more than having sex all the time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, the "bad in bed" comment totally kicked him where it counts..that was a major blunder on your part and even apologies can't really strike that from the record. It cuts to the core of a person and can unleash all kinds of insecurities. If he told you that you were bad in bed, you too might feel very uncomfortable having sex with him no matter how many apologies you get. Sexual performance is one of those topics where people have to tread very very carefully even when a loving couple are talking about how they would prefer their partner to do something one way instead of another way.

 

Regarding your talk about the lack of sex...how did you approach that talk...was it in a complaining mode...or was it in an understanding, sympathetic mode (asking him if he is okay, if anything is wrong etc). Your approach should not be all about your lack of sex...it should be about how the two of you can work on making this better and overcoming the negative impact of what you blurted out to him. Work from a sympathetic, understanding point of view rather than from a sexually frustrated point of view. Remember that being told you are awful in bed would kill any sense of intimacy while having sex because the pressure would be on performance rather than love and connection.

[hvzgg]

telling a man that he's bad in bed is the worst thing you can do! now he knows you're comparing him to other guys you've been with. i would consider your lack of sex a consequence of your screw up.

 

my prejudices aside, it is not wrong of you to want more sex than you're getting. make it clear that you've been putting up with it for a long time and you'd like for things to change. it will not happen overnight and it's not going to happen unless you two work out your out-of-the-bedroom problems.

[Samedy]

Yeah, I'm in consensus with what everyone has said so far, that bad-in-bed comment was a huge blow to this guys ego.

 

I don't know what your boyfriends deal is sexually, but for many people the act of sex, or even being naked around your loved one, is allowing yourself to be at your most vulnerable. By insulting his sexual performance that security and vulnerability was kind of thrown back in his face.

 

Of course he's going to accept your apology. If he were to say he is still hurt, he then would be showing you his vulnerable side again, which, at this point he is probably uncomfortable showing you.

 

Sex aside. You have to be able to get him to feel secure around you again. You broke his trust, and you have to show him you understand that, and that it won't happen again.

[grymoire]

after 4 months of dating everything just stopped, i think it was partially my fault for saying in a heated argument that he was bad in bed. now i know i was wrong for saying it, i apologized later.

 

You hit him at a spot where it hurts a man the most!

 

Your apologies are not going to change it now.... sorry.

[babii doll]

Sex aside. You have to be able to get him to feel secure around you again. You broke his trust, and you have to show him you understand that, and that it won't happen again.

 

as i said before i know what i said was wrong, but thanks everyone for beating it into my head once again with a hammer lol.. ive apologized, reassured him about it, have had enless talks (in a non confrontational way) for the past 4 months now. no changes have been made.

 

i understand it was a blow to his ego hence the reason i blurted it out in a heated argument at the time -to hurt him. he also said some not so nice things but i forgave him and moved on.

 

I guess what gets me out of all of this is i was very clear from the beginning that this is who i am, and he didnt seem to mind it. he should be so lucky to have a gf who actually wants to have sex!

 

instead he makes me feel bad for wanting it, i feel like ive had to ask and bring it up every now and then and its now turning me off from wanting to have sex with him now. ive never had to work so hard in my life to get a guy to lay me lol so this is definitely a first for me.

 

i dont know what more i can do but the same thing i have been doing but if this doesnt turn around for the next 4 months im not sure where this will lead us. id hate to break up with someone over lack of sex, in other areas of our relationship things are fine. not perfect, then again what relationship is?

[babii doll]

Your apologies are not going to change it now.... sorry.

 

lol well that was sincere, but thanks.

[babii doll]

Words are very powerful. The tongue is a weapon. Once those words come out of your mouth you can't take them back. The damage is done. All I can say is sit down and have a talk with him about it. Give him time to get over what you said during that heated argument.

 

not sure how much more time one would need to get over it. its been 4 months now, ive been patient, we've had talks etc still nothing. think that would be enough time to move on.. apparently not in his mind.

[Samedy]

not sure how much more time one would need to get over it. its been 4 months now, ive been patient, we've had talks etc still nothing. think that would be enough time to move on.. apparently not in his mind.

 

I dunno.. Depends if he's believed that you are sorry for saying it or if you're sorry for saying it and meaning it...

 

I had one relationship with a girl where I felt she betrayed my trust. She apologized and I forgave her; however I was never really able to forget that betrayal.

 

Gradually I found myself pulling myself further and further away from her. I wanted to trust her again more than anything, but unfortunately I couldn't. And the relationship just fizzled away.

 

If you want to keep this relationship, you have to get that trust back. I dunno.. plan a romantic evening where the focus is on him...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You said you are very sexual and yet this is your first serious relationship...does that mean you have had quite a few casual sexual encounters prior to being with your boyfriend? What about his sexual history? Has he had anyone prior to you? How is the intimacy level between the two of you other than sex (kissing, cuddling, tenderness etc).

[babii doll]

You said you are very sexual and yet this is your first serious relationship...does that mean you have had quite a few casual sexual encounters prior to being with your boyfriend? What about his sexual history? Has he had anyone prior to you? How is the intimacy level between the two of you other than sex (kissing, cuddling, tenderness etc).

 

before i met him i had 2 FWBs, he had a 3 year relationship before he met me that was heading to marriage until she cheated. hes had plenty of girlfriends before so it definitely isnt from a lack of experience on his part.

 

when we're together we still cuddle, kiss, hold hands etc etc that never stopped. what did stop was the sex (but just recently he did go over the line while we were in a hospital room(long story) not sure what got into him that night but he was extra friendly than usual after 4months.

 

maybe thats progress or im just reading into that.

[Samedy]

before i met him i had 2 FWBs, he had a 3 year relationship before he met me that was heading to marriage until she cheated.

 

Your comment then could have opened a lot of old wounds for this guy. His girlfriend cheated on him, so he probably was already seriously questioning his sexual performance. He could be more afraid of reliving that.

 

Maybe, in a very gentle and tactful way, connect your comment with is ex's affair. And prove to him that they are not related.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your comment then could have opened a lot of old wounds for this guy. His girlfriend cheated on him, so he probably was already seriously questioning his sexual performance. He could be more afraid of reliving that.

 

I totally agree with this. However, I am not sure it is a good idea to bring up the ex cheating on him and ripping that old wound wide open.

 

I think it is a good sign that there is still physical intimacy...perhaps over time it will get better...have you tried being a little frisky with him and going beyond kissing and cuddling..does he pull away?

[Samedy]

I totally agree with this. However, I am not sure it is a good idea to bring up the ex cheating on him and ripping that old wound wide open.

 

I think it is a good sign that there is still physical intimacy...perhaps over time it will get better...have you tried being a little frisky with him and going beyond kissing and cuddling..does he pull away?

 

That's true. I was worried about even suggesting it. It's tricky, especially with that sort of history because in a lot of ways she may be inheriting some of the ex's sins now.

[thejigsup]

Okay, if a guy is bad in bed, what are you supposed to do? Praise him? It can't get better until it is out in the open. After all, you guys hurt our egos all of the time and we forgive you.

[Javito1986]

Okay, if a guy is bad in bed, what are you supposed to do? Praise him? It can't get better until it is out in the open. After all, you guys hurt our egos all of the time and we forgive you.

 

 

 

Do you? If a man insults a woman in an area where she's particularly insecure and vulnerable she'll be hard pressed to up and forgive him. Be it poor sexual performance, fatness, small breasts, or virtually anything a typical woman is insecure about. Let's not belittle the OP's boyfriend, she hit him where it hurts and she's experiencing the consequences of it. Four months is a short time when you've been badly hurt emotionally.

 

As far as 'what you're supposed to do'... telling him he's bad in bed is an insult, will hurt him, and is not the way to go about it. There's subtler ways to help your partner improve their sexual performance.

 

Anyway, I really don't see what the big shocking surprise is that the OP's boyfriend reacted this strongly to her insult. She says herself it was meant to hurt him and clearly it did, to the point where now it's hurting her also (good lesson for the future btw... trying to hurt your SO is a bad idea at all times). If I were to (hypothetically) hook up with any woman in this thread and then tell them they give decidedly poor fellatio I would not expect to receive it again for a very, very long time (and she would probably break up with me right then and there). Doesn't matter if I said this just to help her improve her head-giving ability, she'd still be deeply offended and hurt.

 

Exact same thing here. All people, men and women, are already insecure about their sexual performance and this guy has been really badly hurt. Some of the ladies in this thread would do well to put on their empathy caps and remember that men are not made of stone (even if we say otherwise).

 

 

To the OP: the way to solve this situation is to reverse the damage. You need to go full aggressive, seduce him, sex his brains out, and sing his praises very, very vocally.

[babii doll]

Let's not belittle the OP's boyfriend, she hit him where it hurts and she's experiencing the consequences of it. Four months is a short time when you've been badly hurt emotionally..

 

you make it sound like i tortured the guy lol hes no victim here. he said some sh-tty things to me n an argument, when im backed up against a wall like that i tend retaliate, in this case i made that comment to hurt him back.

 

the difference is i forgave him for everything he said and moved on, i never punished him or held it against him like he did, made 1 dig at him and im still paying for it .. at this point im thinking why work for it. 4 months of asking and bringing it up with him, planning romantic getaways only to be rejected.

 

think im done initiating, ill leave it up to him now- if no changes happen in the next few months ill have to reconsider if i want to stick around for this for much longer.

 

the funny thing is i did give him head 2 months ago before he left for europe to visit family,i think the sex stopped because of what i said more than anything instead of the 'sex isnt important' excuse he came up with. apparently the bjs were important.

[grymoire]

in this case i made that comment to hurt him back.

 

Okay this is very very important.... so you made the comment to hurt him back?

 

I was thinking that he really was not that good in bed and you told him that...

 

If you just said that to hurt him then I do not think you have made any grave mistake here... I mean the comment was a wrong choice but it was in the heat of the moment...

 

You explained it to him and still he cannot forgive you? May be he thinks you are telling only to placate him?

 

Have a very honest discussion with him and tell him you made the comment only to hurt him and never meant it actually... Be firm... If he doesn't budge even after that then.... I guess you just have to move on.

 

~G

[LanceVanceDance]

i think it was partially my fault for saying in a heated argument that he was bad in bed.

 

Whatever you may say now about it being not true, he will still never totally believe you. Stuff like this is pretty damn near impossible to take back. Sometimes all you can do is say "sorry" but that doesn't mean you'll be forgiven.

 

It sounds like the two of you have gone too far into abusive territory to ever make it work again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't know what he said to hurt you...but not all nasty jabs are created equally...it is not a simple matter of "you said this, thereforee I will say that to get even...and then when we make up everything is forgotten on both sides". From your posts you are trying to equate what he said and what you said...everything seems to be about evening the score...but it just doesn't work that way. For example, if someone insults somebody for not being able to figure something out and calls them stupid because of it, and that person retaliates by making a racial slur against the other person..those two insults are going to be taken in very different ways...especially if the person who was racially slurred encountered that kind of behaviour from others with dire consequences. So your boyfriend's ex cheated on him and now you slammed him by saying he is bad in bed...that will cut to the core of him and open up the old wounds. As for the oral sex you gave him...he didn't have to put on a performance for you thereforee he was comfortable because he knew you couldn't make judgements on his performance. You really need to take a big step back and not just see this as a "just get over it like I did" scenario. Some wounds go too deep to just get over it, especially if it is a re-hash of wounds from before.

[babii doll]

As for the oral sex you gave him...he didn't have to put on a performance for you thereforee he was comfortable because he knew you couldn't make judgements on his performance. You really need to take a big step back and not just see this as a "just get over it like I did" scenario. Some wounds go too deep to just get over it, especially if it is a re-hash of wounds from before.

 

i mentioned the oral sex thing as a way to dismiss his claim that sex isnt important, if its not important the bjs wouldve ceased as well, seem like its atleast somewhat important to him.

 

it definitely was in the first 4months of the R. what i said may have not been equal to what he said about me, either way it still hurt, i just didnt hold on to it months later to spite him the way he has done.

 

i sent him an email last night about all of this, hoping the lines of communication will open a bit more and things will improve. or it could have the opposite effect, time will tell.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i mentioned the oral sex thing as a way to dismiss his claim that sex isnt important, if its not important the bjs wouldve ceased as well, seem like its atleast somewhat important to him.

 

it definitely was in the first 4months of the R. what i said may have not been equal to what he said about me, either way it still hurt, i just didnt hold on to it months later to spite him the way he has done.

i sent him an email last night about all of this, hoping the lines of communication will open a bit more and things will improve. or it could have the opposite effect, time will tell.

 

It seems like you are still not getting it that attacking someone's sexual performance can be majorly damaging. I highly doubt that he is doing this to spite you...going through the motions of talking and apologizing is pointless if you don't really sympathize and understand his pain. Perhaps things have not progressed in the sex department because he senses your apologies don't come from a place of understanding and empathy, but more from a self-serving place of wanting sex again. I don't mean to offend you, but I am trying to open your eyes to the fact that you are making this all about you and not really understanding where he is coming from...sure, you are going through the surface motions...but that is not good enough when you really kick someone where it counts....there has to be real depth of understanding.

[grymoire]

It seems like you are still not getting it that attacking someone's sexual performance can be majorly damaging. I highly doubt that he is doing this to spite you...going through the motions of talking and apologizing is pointless if you don't really sympathize and understand his pain. Perhaps things have not progressed in the sex department because he senses your apologies don't come from a place of understanding and empathy, but more from a self-serving place of wanting sex again. I don't mean to offend you, but I am trying to open your eyes to the fact that you are making this all about you and not really understanding where he is coming from...sure, you are going through the surface motions...but that is not good enough when you really kick someone where it counts....there has to be real depth of understanding.

 

I second that...

 

and the fact that he is willing to get BJs but not engage in intercourse clearly shows that he is scared of the act following your comment about his sexual performance.

 

That said what is the solution here? The OP is doing her best and talking to him for almost 4 months now and the man is still not budging... Even if she is going to offer him an apology based on empathy and understanding what if he doesn't accept it and continues to reject her sexually? It is not fair for her either...