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I’m Writing off men---at least for now… Since I started the divorce and that man woke me up I have been chasing a dream that clearly will forever only be a fantasy. I feel pretty negative about things and I don’t mean to be. I am just fed up. I’m tired. I’m irritated. I’m disappointed. Nothing turned out as I thought it would (so far…) everything that I dearly loved that happened from the divorce has disappeared. The lover, the life, the friends. It seems that I only have family and my kitties. There are so many nights that I was sooo focused on finding that guy that I would sit at the computer starting, searching. All the while wondering why I couldn’t have the man I fell in love with. Wondering if I was even really in love with him. Wondering why he suddenly stopped wanting to have the FWB. This has hurt me and caused more damage than anything. Not the act of the FWB—but the ending of it. Especially when he says that he still wants it but when the time comes, he’s busy. Enough already. It was great sex, but the wait and disappointment only makes me want it more—obsess more. I wonder if I would even still want it had it been regular? Probably—it was REALLY good! But maybe that was his game? IDK. I don’t care.


Last night I was reading a book and the thought occurred to me as I was trying hard to figure out with the nearly perfect childhood I had (no real drama, pain, abuse—nothing but love and acceptance) how could I feel so valueless and have such low self esteem that I married a man I didn’t love enough and had bad sex with, to a guy that forever keeps me on the sidelines making it very clear that he never will want anything from me—not even the FWB he states he does. I know that many say that the FWB is a bad thing, but I’ve done it a couple times, and so long as both parties are participating, it’s pretty darn cool! I am not ready for a relationship or anything serious right now anyway. I have no idea what I even want when it comes to that. But I do know that I liked the physical connection and the sexual relations. It was amazing and fun with both people that I did that with. Anyway—got a little sidetracked defending myself for no reason!


I thought about my step-father. A man I barely know. I am very close to my father and love my step-dad, but I don’t know my step-dad. He was just kind of someone who was there. And it hit me a little… Maybe part of me is forever searching for that connection? He was always distant, loving but seemingly unavailable. I guess I somehow am missing that…? IDK. It brings tears to my heart when I think of that. He’s still alive and well and in my life. We never did anything together when I was s child. I only recall a couple instances that we hung out all day—like when at the beach. He’d take me and my bro out in the ocean and spend the day out there and picking up seashells. The rest of my memories seem to be of a very distant, authoritarian father figure. I somehow miss my daddy. I wonder if this could possibly be a remedy for my self-esteem? He’s a great man, but I hardly know him… IDK…


Anyone have any advice?

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I think you seem to feel you can only feel good in your life, and about yourself, if there's a man in your life. And if you have that, and it makes you feel good, when you lose it, you feel terrible. You wrote pretty much exactly that in your own words.

Wow... scary.

I'd basically let build me up if she's affectionate, or shoot me down if I'm rejected.


I suppose that’s more true than I like to admit. This is all new to me, being all alone. Even as a teenager, I felt that compulsion to be with someone, and it’s rarely happened. Not sure how that happened?? I am typically a confident person—except where it comes to relationships. Since the divorce it’s gotten worse—or more evident. Perhaps it’s the years of physical rejection in my divorce that amplified that concern.


I think you should get involved in something you really care about, whether it's politics, art, music, travel, religion, I don't know, whatever you like, maybe something you've been putting off for a while. It doesn't have to be your whole life, but you should be looking forward to it. I guarantee if you do that, you'll start to feel much better.

Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of that. And you’re right, when I was most involved was right after I started the divorce. I felt incredibly alive. However, it was so mixed with so many other emotions and events that it nearly killed me. Then when it all ended (and it all did) I was left alone without all the things that I thought made me so very happy. Nothing I’ve gotten involved in yet fills that void. I have gotten much better acquainted with myself and my own likes and dislikes. Football for one has become a serious pastime! I’ve thrown the idea of volunteering for a long time and want to get that going. I really like the idea of helping others and it will help fill up my free time with something meaningful and I’m sure to meet good people. My only dilemma right now is that I am procrastinating. Perhaps I’ve been dwelling/obsessing so long that I don’t know how to stop—which is ridiculous—it’s easy JUST DO IT! But I am scared of something—not sure of what exactly.


Another quote by Erich Fromm to close by: "Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'"


Beautiful quote. I guess in many ways I feel that I want someone to love ME because they love me. Because I know that’s how I love the people in my life…?



Friends with benefits; like people who aren't in a heavy romantic relationship but still enjoy sex together although their just friends.


It's pretty much like casual dating to me... You hang out and do things, and have sex... How it's different than dating I'm not sure. I think most people see it as a booty call--a relationship that is "hey, ya wanna?" and "OK!"

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"Sometimes being single is easier." You know, I kinda agree with that.


Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect man. Even if you were in a relationship, there is no way even a very good man can meet every one of your needs. And that relationships take work and are sometimes very difficult and frustrating. You've already found this out.


What I sometimes remind myself is that it is a better strategy to concentrate on BEING the right person rather than finding the right person to be with.


Right now, if I were you (and I have been in your position before), I would concentrate on trying to take care of your own needs yourself, enjoy life YOUR way, do things that YOU want to do on your own schedule. Really relish your freedom now that you have it. It was hard won.


Cultivate more friendships, especially same-sex ones.


Make yourself happy, because no one else can do that for you, only you can.


And remember Foreigner:


Some people stay all alone and hide

They don't even want to know the reason why

They've given up on finding someone new

But new love comes, it's gonna come for you

When true love comes, it's gonna comfort you


Now you say you've got a broken heart

You oughta know this side of love

can leave you torn apart

Dry your eyes 'cause your heart's gonna mend

And maybe tonight you'll fall in love again

Yeah, maybe tonight you'l fall in love again


But I know, I know that you're down on love

But you're wrong, so wrong

To be down on love


Now love seems so far away

Your skies are so cloudy

And the tears come like fallin' rain

Face up to it and don't pretend

And maybe tonight you'll fall in love again

Yeah, maybe tonight you'll fall in love again

Just once in a life you'll realize

When love takes two, only one heart cries


But you're wrong, so wrong to be down on love

You know you're not the only one

See I've been down on love


In matters of the heart

You better know before you start

You can't get down on love


So always be prepared

To be alone and a little scared

But never down on love


You see you can't stay down forever, girl

Down on love

Come on, now

Don't get down on love

This ain't right baby, no

Down on love

Don't you go through life livin' down on love

Down on love

Don't you go through life livin' down on love

Down on love

Don't you go through life down on love

Down on love

Down on love

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