Struggling w/How Slow It's Progressing

[blue_dahlia]

Hi everyone,

 

K broke up w/me 1.5 years ago. I caused a lot of pain in our relationship. We began spending time together a month ago, and have seen each other four times. There's LC/NC between all dates. After date 3, I asked if there was a chance for us. He said yes.

 

Last Weds, we had our fourth date. He was affectionate, loving, playful. It felt like old times. On Friday, he sent a casual text. On Sat, I sent him a text saying that I would like to see him before he worked nights (he works nights first five nights of the month). No reply, and nothing since. I'm now in NC, giving him his space.

 

I'm really struggling with how slow it's going. After we spend time together, I have faith. Last Weds we were so close. I thought it was a turning point. However, as time passes, my faith dwindles and I get scared and sad.

 

I knew it was going to be slow, but this seems really slow. Is this pace typical?

 

I would love to hear all your thoughts. Thank you!

[chopperboy]

I don't know what's "typical", because everyone is different, but I can tell that you're in a really vulnerable place right now. It sounds like you're hanging on this guy's every word and action, and that's probably not the best place for you to be. You should find a way to distract yourself from your one-sided pursuit of resurrecting this relationship. It will happen at its own pace, and you yourself won't be able to affect it alone. The healthiest place for you to be now would be busy with your own life, while letting this relationship take its natural course.

[Mayday11]

Well, the alternative is even worse: moving too fast and not establishing a firm foundation for a lasting relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree with the other posters. Try to look at it as more of a new relationship and not a reconciliation. I know its hard but it seems to me like you are putting far too much thought and energy into this. Think of yourself as you were before he came back on the scene a month ago and continue as you were. Do things you enjoyed doing in your 1.5yrs apart and keep yourself busy. Let him initiate contact next and don't be too available to him.

[mca1975]

Hi, I guess you have to be patient, but I know what you mean about the slowness, I usually work pretty fast too, but I don't hassle.

 

Just try and chill out but its hard. I dont know what to suggest. It sounds like he likes you, but then again he didnt get back to you about meeting before he did nights...?? Maybe he is not thinking too much into it. I mean, what sort of person is he? is he quite laid back?

 

I agree, take this as a new relationship, not a reconciliation.

[loulee]

the first way to make a man run when he is still considering whether to reconcile with you or not is to makt to many forward plans..it can place unnecessary pressure on him and men dont handle pressure that way well. get busy and focus on other stuff that you enjoy.. he will be very aware that your very keen to reconcile and would read your eagerness as he knows you well...you will be far more attractive to him if your independent and strong.. next time you hear from hear try and have lots of interesting stuff to tell him about how youve been spending your time..If he calls and asks what have you been up to "nothing much" as an answer is dull and unattractive and is an unspoken pressure in itself..let him see your day isnt revolving around him and when he phones...he will be impressed if you have lots to tell him... just be patient and maybe you could be a little slow to respond to his next text also just so he knows that you have a life also...good luck with it all.

[atelis]

dahlia, try not to expect things to happen........i know it's hard, but if expectation turns into hanging and waiting which turns into disappointment.

 

as the shoefairy said, try to view it as a new relationship rather than a reconciliation. a new relationship takes time to develop.

 

NC for a little will be good. you've given him a taste and he has enjoyed it and with some more NC between dates, he will want another taste and hopefully it will keep gathering momentum

[blue_dahlia]

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. They are soooo appreciated.

 

I'm in a much better place today. I also went and talked with my counselor (sounds better than therapist). I see her from time to time when I just want to talk things out.

 

Anyway, she said the mind is a powerful thing and I have already convinced that K isn't interested. He never said that, in fact he said the opposite. She told me it's almost self-torture to do this to myself. I've worried myself sick and why? Because he isn't contacting me when I think he should? You were all right. I have these expectations and then when they're not met, I get all freaked out.

 

I also need to understand that my idea of slow and his idea of slow are different. My idea of slow is seeing each other two times per week. His idea of going slow could be seeing each twice per month. I have no idea.

 

Moral of the story - I don't know what's going on. I need to accept the situation at face value, stop over analyzing and remember that his timeline and my timeline are different.

 

I don't know what the future holds, but it sure feels good right now not worrying about something I can't control.

 

As always, thanks for listening

 

P.S. I'm going camping with friends this weekend on the lake. I can't wait. I'm truly excited to get away, relax and just enjoy life.

[atelis]

good for you dahlia. i wish the same for me and hope that my ex will want to rekindle things when she has had enough time and space to get over her confusion and pain.

 

enjoy your camping weekend

[blue_dahlia]

good for you dahlia. i wish the same for me and hope that my ex will want to rekindle things when she has had enough time and space to get over her confusion and pain.

 

I'm wishing you the best my friend.

[atelis]

thank you. and i agree with your therapist, when you want something so much, time seems to take forever.......one day feels like one week and then we panic.