Ru12345 Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t get me. If someone can explain me, to me, I’d appreciate it! I don’t like talking about this stuff, but here goes. My mother is a lunatic. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with her. I don’t think its drugs, because even clean, she’s nuts. She says whatever she knows she knows people want to here, I don’t think she even knows what the truth is. She bad-mouths everyone behind their back, and “teases” in a way that isn’t teasing, if you know what I mean. She’s sarcastic, so she can say anything she wants to you and then deny it. She’s beyond irresponsible. Anyway, enough about her. Now days, we only ever hear from her when she needs money. I don’t know who my father was, and doesn’t think she knows either: she came home pregnant, after having no contact with my grandparents for years, had me, then left again when I was three months old. She showed up again on my fourth birthday, and took me with her. I think it was because she wanted to get on welfare. I don’t really remember the time I lived with her very well, or very clearly. It was an old house out in the country, there was no food, no running water (we got water from a pump somewhere and it was in plastic jugs), no toilet (no way to flush, we went in a bucket and dumped it in the woods). I didn’t go to school regularly and used to get beaten up by the other kids, because I was “the stinky kid”. About the only happy time I remember from back then was running around in the woods. Mostly my mother ignored me, if I avoided her, which I did. I know we had other people living with us and I remember being scared of some of them, but also adoring at least two of the women, crying my eyes out when they’d leave. Even though my mother preferred to ignore me, when I’d attach myself to one of them, she’d shower me with attention and be this fake perfect mom, and a major * * * * * to them. She hit me a couple times, more often threw things at me, but couldn’t hit anything! I remember fights with WHOEVER those other people living there were. I made my room (voluntarily) in a closet, where I’d lock myself in. Anyway, that ended when I was nine, I’m not sure why, when I came back to my grandparents. Aside from one brief kidnapping, when I was eleven, I’ve only seen her in person twice. Each time she just appeared one day and stayed until they gave her money. The kidnapping wasn’t much of a kidnapping, she just showed up at my school, told me to come with her and I did. The second night, she told me to sleep in the car while she went somewhere, and I left as soon as she was out of site, and called my grandparents from a corner store. The owners were nice enough to let me stay there until my grandfather arrived to pick me up. My grandparents are kind and very accepting people. They got me into a great school and made sure I got an excellent education and I don’t REMEMBER any pressure from them to succeed. It’s like the pressure came from me. Two years ago, I graduated third in my class and got into a great college. I hate telling anybody about the stuff with my mother, because they always so, “oh, it’s great how you turned your life around, blahblahblah.” No, I haven’t. It’s like it’s all on the surface. It’s like I’m this big perfectionist nerd who’s always in the library, or else I’m in the middle of a wild party. It’s like I push myself really, really hard so I can justify blowing off steam. Or maybe it’s the other way around, I don’t know. Honestly, I’m a major sex fiend. When I meet somebody, under any circumstances, I’m seriously checking them out and I see almost EVERYBODY in a sexual way! Is that normal? Honestly, I don’t know how many people I’ve been with because I never kept count. The number is around 75. I’ve basically done just about everything that interests me sexually, which I don’t regret, but at the same time, my sexual history sounds a bit like a hardcore porn movie. I was sexually active at 12 and lost my virginity when I was 13. I want sex daily, sometimes twice daily, or I start to climb the walls. I always want round two, too, it’s like I never want it to end! I’ve had two monogamous relationships, one for 4 months and one for 2 months, but most of my actual relationships have been open—and those have lasted decent amounts of time. One of them is six years old and running. But mostly I just hook up. I know I SHOULDN’T be promiscuous but I want to be. I KNOW I have commitment issues—I always feel like everyone is temporary. I expect to be rejected, and some little part of me is always amazed when I’m not! I always feel like I need to justify things, like I expect a hostile reaction. Everything I’m directly responsible for (to blame for) has to be JUST PERFECT, as perfect as I can get it. I always feel like I’m an outsider, everywhere. I hate people generally, but when I meet people, I’m majorly sympathetic and I’m Mr. (flirty) Nice Guy. Sometimes I find myself bending over backwards for people I barely know. I’m never good enough for myself, and I’m never content with myself. What’s wrong with me? Am I a sex addict? I HAVE been technically celibate, mostly to see if I could be. It made me a master of masturbation, though even then I wanted sex. Am I just a s lut? I’ve had several people ask me if I was molested while I was with my mother, in ‘why are you like this?!’ I don’t know. Why AM I like this? Sorry this was so long. Link to comment
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