First Break-Up, and it's a big'n

[aldridal]

So, obviously I'm new here, so I'll share my story.

 

I'm 20, but have been dating the same girl for 5.5 years (so you do the math). We've been happy for most of the time, other than a few minor arguments. Two years ago, when we went to college, things happened on her end (a guy kissed her, she got confused, we broke up). It was a difficult 4 weeks, but after I finally got the nerve to stop calling her, she called me back professing her love for me.

 

Two years later, I'm in a similar situation. Last week, (I guess it's been a week and a half), she started hanging out with a "friend" for long hours. At first, it was just hanging out at his place, and I was cool with it, because she's had lots of friends, and I thought it was innocent.

 

But after a few days, she started spending more and more time with him, and didn't want to feel pressured into telling me when she was going to be back. She told me I was getting clingy, and that she wanted the freedom to be able to come home whenever she wanted.

 

So, I decided to give us some space over the weekend, and went home to stay with my parents. I hadn't stayed at their place in quite a while, so I thought it would be nice to catch up with them anyways.

 

Well, as it turns out, when I was gone, she had him over, and they ended up "dozing" on the fouton together, which they just so happened to turn into a bed. She tried to reassure me that nothing was going on, and that they slept under different blankets, etc...

 

Obviously, I was not going to put up with that. So, I confronted her the night after, and we talked for a long time. It obviously got emotional, and we discussed how we might be growing apart. So, I spent the night at my parents' again, and as it turns out, they "dozed" on the fouton again. So, I called her and asked for my stuff back, and gave her her stuff.

 

Funny thing is, right now, I don't mind talking to her. I don't mind talking to her, because I feel that I'm OK with being friends and no longer romantically involved. It feels weird to understand that we will not be together anymore, and be OK with it. It's strange to know that I would never be able to go back to her, because she knowingly betrayed my trust, and was OK with it.

 

So, my question is this (and sorry for the long winded post), is this normal? I mean, will it hit me hard later, and should I be prepared for that? Or should I accept that maybe we weren't right for eachother, even though we had been dating all the way back since we were Freshmen in High School (now are Juniors in College).

[lkonohalanbu]

don't do it, you're asking for a world of hurt

 

don't trick yourself into believing her, she could be telling the truth, but assume for the worse man.

 

you need to get out of that situation and not be her emotional crutch while she is dating other guys, you're giving her cake and letting her eat it

 

sure you have the time you spent together, right now you need to walk away, not talk to her, do NC and gain some perspective

 

you're the same age as me, go there and have some fun, not necessarily have sex with every girl that wants you, but just enjoy the single life

 

really? she has the nerve to "doze" with this guy and say that nothing happened while you were away, not once, but twice

 

i'm sorry to be blunt about this, but are you going to sit around and have her tell you she loves you, but she is sleeping with another guy as soon as you go to your parents house

 

reclaim your dignity and balls NC!

[aldridal]

Well, the thing is, I honestly believe that she has no interest in this guy (right now). I don't think she's looking to be dating.

 

However, for some reason, I'm OK with not being with her anymore. In fact, I feel strangely liberated. I feel free, and good. I know there will be tough times, but it's not nearly as tough as it was the first time around.

 

I think I'd be OK with being friends (eventually). Obviously the way she's been the last week has been very hurtful, so that pretty much slammed the door on any successful getting back together. But I know she cares about me (as a friend, obviously not as a partner), and I care about her, and want her to be happy. But I know that even though we've had great times, something has been missing, and I'm not all that bummed out about our break-up.

 

I was, but I got over it quick. It just feels strange to be this cool over the ending of a 5.5 year thing. I'm sure there will be hard times, but I'm actually excited about what the future holds, and what I'm going to discover.

[lkonohalanbu]

you're taking this quite well, you ultimately know what is best for you

 

i wouldn't stick around to be a doormat or emotional crutch

 

you say she has no connection to this guy, but she is "dozing" with him

 

sounds like super denial at the moment, or you've been wanting to break up and haven't gotten around to do it

 

i'd say it might take some time to settle in or you already did your grieving before this was coming

 

be cautious, it might set in later, for your own sake, i'd say keep away from her for awhile and gain some perspective and really evaluate your emotions

 

if you really are okay with being friends, once you figure it out, make contact with no expectations

[shell80]

I think you are acting with a lot of maturity and class right during a time when it must be really hard. You met her very young and were together for a long time. It seems that now it is your time to go out and enjoy yourself and do all the things you should do as a single 20 something yr old. Remember her for the good times, but know that you will become a much more interesting and rounded person for having different experiences without her. She has shown a lot of immaturity and disrespect for you by being with someone else while still with you. You sound like you are the one who has really grown away from her, so use this as your chance to keep on growing.

[aldridal]

I think you are acting with a lot of maturity and class right during a time when it must be really hard. You met her very young and were together for a long time. It seems that now it is your time to go out and enjoy yourself and do all the things you should do as a single 20 something yr old. Remember her for the good times, but know that you will become a much more interesting and rounded person for having different experiences without her. She has shown a lot of immaturity and disrespect for you by being with someone else while still with you. You sound like you are the one who has really grown away from her, so use this as your chance to keep on growing.

 

That's actually a really good way to put it.

 

I guess it does slightly annoy me that during our final week together, she'd rather be with this other guy, and would blame me for being too "clingy" because I all of the sudden rarely got to see her.

 

There was one night that I cooked her dinner and cleaned up the place, and she came home, was surprised, and then said, "I have plans at 8:30."

 

That's kind of when I got the picture. It obviously hasn't been easy, and I'm still confused as to how all of the sudden she can go from being so happy to spend all of this time with me, to being happier when she's without me.

 

And I know she still has feelings for me, because I saw her at yesterday, and she got really choked up. She's also been trying to talk to me on gmail chat. But, she's still talking to the other guy, and making plans with him, so I'm not falling into that trap again.